I remember having boyfriends as a teen and constantly asking what they were thinking... I know this is something women do tend to ask but thinking back to it I would ask nearly every two minutes and it'd drive them mad. But I actually needed to know to help me carry on. And if they told me directly how they were then it was easier.
Now I'm married and there is far less time to ask what he's thinking (luckily for him) but I do find when he's home I still ask a lot. But one big thing.... is when he appears very quiet and says tired... I get really down and almost mirror his mood. I'll ask if he's 'happy but just tired' as I try to feel ok myself and try to make sense of what he's feeling but i find i can't stop the down feeling which I wouldn't have had otherwise. This is hard to explain but I get this horribly strong feeling which if I was quiet and tired my husband wouldn't mirror! I wondered if anyone else has anything similar with the various moods of others affecting yours.?
It makes sense that a sensitive, caring person could be naturally affected by their partner's mood. I mean, he's pretty darn important to you, obviously. You've agreed to share your lives together. And I understand that it can be hard to control how far you get pulled in. I'm deeply affected by the moods of people I care about, too, and I also tend to ask what's going on in their heads if I sense something may be "off" or if they're being quiet. It can take a lot of hard-earned discipline not to feel uneasy when you don't feel like you know what someone close to you is thinking/feeling. I'm still not totally there yet. I'm concerned about them, but some of my response is because I'm also a little insecure.
More often than not, people's moods aren't anything for us to be uneasy about. Moods come and go, and many aren't really worth getting into with others because they aren't about anything important, and will pass pretty quickly. So if your husband doesn't give you very good feedback, try to keep in mind that it very probably doesn't have anything to do with you, and more than likely isn't anything you need to get caught up in yourself.
Wireless said some really good stuff about this.
Aspergirl4hire said that she respects her husband's moods without mirroring them. I'd say that a very healthy position to shoot for. It might help to use rational cognition to ameliorate your tendency to strong emotional response. Respecting is more of a cognitive exercise than sympathizing, and it takes less of a personal toll.
People have called me emotionless in the past. I don't think that's very true but I just hold them in, they don't get through the mask, if I even really catch them myself even.
It stings to be told you have no (or inappropriate) emotions. I'm sorry you've dealt with that. I've heard it sometimes, too. When I hold emotions in, it's often because I know that some of my emotional response to other people's situations has to do with my own insecurity and/or anxiety, and I know those may be unfounded. (The situation also isn't supposed to be about me.) Another thing is that when someone is emotional over something, I tend to become more calm and rational to balance them out. I don't see a lot of help in going there with them. It may not be the right approach, but it's how I'm designed. It's not that I
don't have emotions. I said above that I can be very affected by people's moods, but I'm much more in control during people's
events.
And like you, sometimes I just don't see the same urgency or significance they do. My sister and I went to dinner recently, and she bit down on a small piece of glass that was hidden in her salad, probably from another bowl that was stacked on top of it in the restaurant kitchen. She was freaking out, terrified that she had swallowed glass and it would hurt her. The two shards she pulled from her mouth was so tiny that I didn't feel much concern at all. That was awkward. I wondered if she felt like I was under-reacting to what she saw as a crisis. But really, personal situations often feel bigger
to that person. All I could do was tell her I honestly thought she's be all right and why, and tell her I felt really bad that it happened. I just didn't feel emotional about it.
