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Other people's moods....

Skye81

Active Member
I remember having boyfriends as a teen and constantly asking what they were thinking... I know this is something women do tend to ask but thinking back to it I would ask nearly every two minutes and it'd drive them mad. But I actually needed to know to help me carry on. And if they told me directly how they were then it was easier.
Now I'm married and there is far less time to ask what he's thinking (luckily for him) but I do find when he's home I still ask a lot. But one big thing.... is when he appears very quiet and says tired... I get really down and almost mirror his mood. I'll ask if he's 'happy but just tired' as I try to feel ok myself and try to make sense of what he's feeling but i find i can't stop the down feeling which I wouldn't have had otherwise. This is hard to explain but I get this horribly strong feeling which if I was quiet and tired my husband wouldn't mirror! I wondered if anyone else has anything similar with the various moods of others affecting yours.?
 
I catch moods as if they were viruses. Some people can actually make me sick, not physically, but cognitively.

I don't feel a need to mirror my husband's moods, so much as respect them. It helps a lot that my husband doesn't mirror my moods, because they can get downright Stygian.
 
It sounds like you could be very empathetic.
You feel other people's moods even if you don't know why. People aren't always completely honest about their moods which they say they feel one thing but you sense they're feeling something else. It can be confusing.
I'm just going to make a guess about your husband. The moment I get home from work is the moment I feel really tired after being at work. I've held it all back but at home I feel the stress. It may be he needs a bit of quiet time to unwind. That's just me guessing though. He may not mirror your mood if he's not as empathetic. Most people have empathy, but usually at different levels.
 
I think sometimes I have too much empathy maybe.. and I can't watch the news, sad films/programmes/adverts.. certainly can't watch Children in Need..! If someone cries I will want to cry too.
Yet if someone breaks down in front of me...... no idea how to actually help!! 8^/
 
It sounds like you could be very empathetic.
You feel other people's moods even if you don't know why. People aren't always completely honest about their moods which they say they feel one thing but you sense they're feeling something else. It can be very confusing.

I'm so glad you said that. I also find that people can get angry about having someone identity their feelings if they haven't acknowledged it to themselves.
 
I'm not really affected by other people's moods, and don't pick up on them easily. I don't always recognise my own moods either. If someone asks me how I feel, I don't always know what to say - most times I don't seem to be feeling any particular mood. I think I may have slight alexithymia. If someone asks me what I'm thinking, I often dont know, either, because sometimes my thoughts are in pictures rather than words, and I'm not thinking any particular specific thing.
 
I rarely get affected myself by peoples moods but I do get rather nervous by them. I often don't exactly know why people are in a certain mood or I feel like certain emotions are really overreactions to the situation. People have called me emotionless in the past. I don't think that's very true but I just hold them in, they don't get through the mask, if I even really catch them myself even.


The part of asking the other what they are thinking is very familiar, I ask my girlfriend that a lot. She understands why I do it and doesn't mind, she even said she thought it was cute that I cared so much.
 
I remember having boyfriends as a teen and constantly asking what they were thinking... I know this is something women do tend to ask but thinking back to it I would ask nearly every two minutes and it'd drive them mad. But I actually needed to know to help me carry on. And if they told me directly how they were then it was easier.
Now I'm married and there is far less time to ask what he's thinking (luckily for him) but I do find when he's home I still ask a lot. But one big thing.... is when he appears very quiet and says tired... I get really down and almost mirror his mood. I'll ask if he's 'happy but just tired' as I try to feel ok myself and try to make sense of what he's feeling but i find i can't stop the down feeling which I wouldn't have had otherwise. This is hard to explain but I get this horribly strong feeling which if I was quiet and tired my husband wouldn't mirror! I wondered if anyone else has anything similar with the various moods of others affecting yours.?


It makes sense that a sensitive, caring person could be naturally affected by their partner's mood. I mean, he's pretty darn important to you, obviously. You've agreed to share your lives together. And I understand that it can be hard to control how far you get pulled in. I'm deeply affected by the moods of people I care about, too, and I also tend to ask what's going on in their heads if I sense something may be "off" or if they're being quiet. It can take a lot of hard-earned discipline not to feel uneasy when you don't feel like you know what someone close to you is thinking/feeling. I'm still not totally there yet. I'm concerned about them, but some of my response is because I'm also a little insecure.

More often than not, people's moods aren't anything for us to be uneasy about. Moods come and go, and many aren't really worth getting into with others because they aren't about anything important, and will pass pretty quickly. So if your husband doesn't give you very good feedback, try to keep in mind that it very probably doesn't have anything to do with you, and more than likely isn't anything you need to get caught up in yourself. Wireless said some really good stuff about this.

Aspergirl4hire said that she respects her husband's moods without mirroring them. I'd say that a very healthy position to shoot for. It might help to use rational cognition to ameliorate your tendency to strong emotional response. Respecting is more of a cognitive exercise than sympathizing, and it takes less of a personal toll.

People have called me emotionless in the past. I don't think that's very true but I just hold them in, they don't get through the mask, if I even really catch them myself even.


It stings to be told you have no (or inappropriate) emotions. I'm sorry you've dealt with that. I've heard it sometimes, too. When I hold emotions in, it's often because I know that some of my emotional response to other people's situations has to do with my own insecurity and/or anxiety, and I know those may be unfounded. (The situation also isn't supposed to be about me.) Another thing is that when someone is emotional over something, I tend to become more calm and rational to balance them out. I don't see a lot of help in going there with them. It may not be the right approach, but it's how I'm designed. It's not that I don't have emotions. I said above that I can be very affected by people's moods, but I'm much more in control during people's events.

And like you, sometimes I just don't see the same urgency or significance they do. My sister and I went to dinner recently, and she bit down on a small piece of glass that was hidden in her salad, probably from another bowl that was stacked on top of it in the restaurant kitchen. She was freaking out, terrified that she had swallowed glass and it would hurt her. The two shards she pulled from her mouth was so tiny that I didn't feel much concern at all. That was awkward. I wondered if she felt like I was under-reacting to what she saw as a crisis. But really, personal situations often feel bigger to that person. All I could do was tell her I honestly thought she's be all right and why, and tell her I felt really bad that it happened. I just didn't feel emotional about it.
 
Both my daughter and I constantly pick up other people's mood. I have learned through hard work to separate me and others.

If I feel sad or down, I do a fast check to see if anything has changed for me to feel this way because if I look for reasons to feel sad, I can always find some. If nothing has changed, the sadness isn't mine but comes from some other source in which case I do my best to ignore it. Spending a few minutes focusing on my feet usually helps me get back to my own space. If I don't this but mirror the sadness, my family will pick it up from me real fast and then we are all feeling down for no reason.

When it's Daddy being upset or down, it's harder because he projects really strongly and will rarely admit (probably even to himself) that he's not in perfect balance. It affects both children and me a lot.
 
Other people's moods really affect me, especially if it is a bad mood. Then I get pissed off because I feel like I have caught it. Glad it isn't just me.
 

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