Open communication with an nt

[Suzanne]

It is very difficult to remember to be open, but I see how important it is and what happened yesterday, screamed to me just how important.

Not an evening goes by, when my husband does not groan about being exhausted from work and usually, eats and then watches a film on his computer, with his headphones on. He does, however turn to face the room; it is his way of saying he is not blanking me out.

I am a practical person and so, I think of ways that he can turn this around, but he rarely listens.

I also have this thing with timing. I need someone to say an exact time. So, for example: hubby arrives home, after an exhausting day at work and I have prepared the house, to welcome him home. He says to me: I am just popping outside for a few minutes; will be back soon.

Why is he not back? I call to him and he shouts that he won't be long. Now to my mind: not being long, means that he will stop what he is doing and return, for after all, he said he would only be a few minutes.

20 minutes later and he still is doing whatever. I am getting exceedingly frustrated, because he knows that I am cooking and that a whisky was waiting for him. I thought if he is tired, a sit down and relax for a while, before dinner, was a good idea!

He eventually comes in and starts demanding why I was so angry with him. I tried to explain, but he refused to see the point that if he says he will only be a few minutes, why was he nearly half an hour?

It sadly ruined the entire night, because he hit out and said that obviously, for his wife, he must state an exact time; doesn't matter that the entire world doesn't need this. Now, I know that was not literal, but it was the INTENT behind the words, that hurt.

This morning, it hit me that it all came down to a complete lack of open communication. I thought he was going to do his usual with the computer, but he had planned ( apparently as a surprise) to not go on his computer, but us have some really time together! How was I to know that was in his mind?

I feel so worn out, because it would have been so easy to just say how long he was going to pop outside and to say that he has a surprise for us, that evening.

I really am not looking for advice; just to know if others have this issue?

 

[Keigan]

I hope things come together for you and your husband.

I have had this issue, described as I expected a pattern to be followed and I don’t have the openness for some thing else to occur. In that situation I can get derailed if I don’t allow for change.

 

[Suzanne]

I hope things come together for you and your husband.

I have had this issue, described as I expected a pattern to be followed and I don’t have the openness for some thing else to occur. In that situation I can get derailed if I don’t allow for change.

Although he left for work with us on "bad terms" ie I could not bring myself to show affection, I gradually calmed down ( I just cannot cope with outrageous accusations) and I suspect we will are back on track now.

He realises that he must relay what he wants to do, that involves me, so that there is harmony and that, he has to try and be exact with timing. I know that it is casual way, so to speak or off handed way ie won't be long, but it confuses me.

 

[Gritches]

I've had endless difficulty facilitating open communication with past NT partners. I don't know why. It makes infinite sense to communicate more and guess less but all I know is that it's perceived as weak or other-than-masculine to want to communicate. Whatever, I don't get why NTs think it's a better idea to try to subtly manipulate you rather than just cut to the chase and say what it is they're after, but that's the perennial problem with communicating with NTs in general, isn't it?

 

[kay]

When I ask my bf what time dinner will be ready he will say half hour and it will end up being an hour. If he says he will only be somewhere about an hour, it will be two hours and 15 minutes. Does kinda drive me crazy but in his case I know he is doing his best. Oh, it would be so nice to get accurate times.

 

[Rasendra]

I am that way about time in general. When someone gives a vague time it drives me crazy. How can I plan anything around a 'little while' so I definitely understand that. My husband and I have learned to work things out in that regard mostly but still have things a lot that become a problem.

For example he will let me know when he is on his way home from work since it isn't an exact time but ranges occasionally but it lets me estimate when he will be home so I can make sure I can get home and we can have dinner. Well sometimes he will tell me he is on his way home but then make stops to the bank or some other place. So I'll throw food in the oven and it will be done before he gets home and then we have an argument. Why can't you just say your stopping by the bank or whatever on your way home? To him it isn't really a big deal, in fact he will just say 'I don't mind eating it cold' which is just infuriating to me lol.

 

[Judge]

Great post Suzanne. It reminded me that some of us not only have issues with literal interpretations of words, but time itself. And perhaps without any sense of context.

I do tend to think of time in exact terms...making life uncomfortable with how others can be so vague about everything. Making my punctuality seem pointless at times. In a world that is anything but punctual.

 

[Suzanne]

Great post Suzanne. It reminded me that some of us not only have issues with literal interpretations of words, but time itself. And perhaps without any sense of context.

I do tend to think of time in exact terms...making life uncomfortable with how others can be so vague about everything. Making my punctuality seem pointless at times. In a world that is anything but punctual.

I so appreciate your positive comment for my thread. I hesitated to open a thread, but decided that I would, simply to see really if it is just me. But it shows that it is not just me.

Hubby did try on arriving home. He said a specific time he was going out into the garden and kept to that time, so I really appreciated the effort.

 

[Suzanne]

I am that way about time in general. When someone gives a vague time it drives me crazy. How can I plan anything around a 'little while' so I definitely understand that. My husband and I have learned to work things out in that regard mostly but still have things a lot that become a problem.

For example he will let me know when he is on his way home from work since it isn't an exact time but ranges occasionally but it lets me estimate when he will be home so I can make sure I can get home and we can have dinner. Well sometimes he will tell me he is on his way home but then make stops to the bank or some other place. So I'll throw food in the oven and it will be done before he gets home and then we have an argument. Why can't you just say your stopping by the bank or whatever on your way home? To him it isn't really a big deal, in fact he will just say 'I don't mind eating it cold' which is just infuriating to me lol.

Oh my, that is so how my husband is. He says he is on his way home and will be with me in 5 and then, I find, when he eventually turns up, that he popped into see a friend on route; because it was passing on the way home. I get so exhasperated with him, but there is absolutely no point him having a watch, because he would not even remember to look at it!

Yes, again, he will come out with shruggish things to say, which makes me so angry.

 

[Suzanne]

I've had endless difficulty facilitating open communication with past NT partners. I don't know why. It makes infinite sense to communicate more and guess less but all I know is that it's perceived as weak or other-than-masculine to want to communicate. Whatever, I don't get why NTs think it's a better idea to try to subtly manipulate you rather than just cut to the chase and say what it is they're after, but that's the perennial problem with communicating with NTs in general, isn't it?

It does appear that in the world of maleness, open communication is a female thing to do and yet, that is so bizarre.

I find open communication very difficult myself, but since my husband is far worse, I see the benefits of it and so, do try to voice what is going on.

 

[Professori]

Yep, I am very time specific, and do not appreciate it if someone says they will be somewhere at 10:00 and then arrive at 10:15. I will probably not be there.
So, I have had the discussion with my wife and she has come to respect my time specificity. She does not expect anything else from me.

However, because in the past I have become angry about this issue, I tried an open and neutral discussion without anger and that led to her listening. Man to woman .

 

[Suzanne]

Thanks everyone for your imput.

We are back on an even keel now and both have had some personal revelations. Mine is, interpretting my husband's actions as an aggression against me, which brings on the overwhelming anger and the only thing to calm it, is to be on my own, but sadly, due to my husband trying to "drum" sense into me, it gets me even more angrier and I cannot fathom that with logic being presented to him, he doesn't get it.

He explained that he does not see what the big deal is, if he says he will only be a few minutes and so what if it is 15 or so minutes later, but since I do see it as a big deal, to be on the same page, he recognises that he must work harder in that timing department and I recognise I must try and not see his actions as against me.