Okay I been doing these a lot women trauma related. What do they mean in technical terms?

[Tony Ramirez]

First. I am afraid to approach an attractive women but if she approaches me then I can easily have a conversation with her and open up.

Second. I complained that I never had a solo hang with a women in my life even ones that look pretty but to be brutally honest is not true. There has been a few times that I walked with one who she is kind and says is my friend from an Tuesday group because she lives near me. She walked with me home again just last Tuesday. Also during the pandemic I had this kind girl once meet me solo at my local park and even walked me home before taking a cab home. She would even call me often when she moved back home.

Third. I see guys talking to girls but I have approached two women at church. One was a disaster but the other ended up being a friend.

Forth. I often complain that girls ignore and never talk to me, This does happen in many places I visit but it's not true as in yoga I had women actually talk and ask me questions. I also been approached many times in church.

Five. I often praise this women is great and a friend. Then I think she betrayed me. Then I call her a backstabber and trauma dump here and other people. Then I find it's a big misunderstanding and I feel sorry. But then I do it again.

Six. If a women again approaches me attractive and listens to me I often without force of habit get clingy and over friendly by asking questions and start to trauma dump.

Seven. When I see guys and girls hang out as friends especially when the girl is attractive or couples I stim to s certain song and keep repeating certain parts of it until I no longer encounter them which could be until I get home.

Eight. When friends and groups from church, yoga outside influence or even family travel especially fly and I am not included I think they are purposely excluding me and doing it out of spite because they have it out to get me because they know of my flying phobia and they know they don't want me to get better so they are rubbing it in.

I think that's all. If I remember any more I will post here.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You have significant biases which you use to avoid judgement by women. Like me at my worst it seems that, despite your positive interactions that you do remember, you just can't make yourself vulnerable to a prospective connection.

I do hope you can understand that your self worth comes from within and provides you with the strength to be vulnerable. You do that and I hope the woman you have walked with will feel good about a relationship with you.

You have come a long way. Now is the time to take the next step into a relationship.

 

[Aspychata]

Very insightful @Gerald Wilgus . It sounds like being afraid to be vulnerable which is something that you have to do usually in relationships. Are you seeking validation and approval from attractive woman by trauma dumping? To make up for something that happened in college or high school? Are you still very hurt from those experiences? Are attractive woman a ****trigger****? So attractive woman take you back to that time you felt very hurt, and helpless? For some time, men did trigger me. It's really an effort to move on. I have strong boundaries with men now.

 

[Judge]

Very insightful @Gerald Wilgus . It sounds like being afraid to be vulnerable which is something that you have to do usually in relationships. Are you seeking validation and approval from attractive woman by trauma dumping? To make up for something that happened in college or high school?

Interesting. I suppose I am just the opposite. Preferring not to air "my dirty laundry" over friendship and even more courtship. Seeing it as a form of "social-suicide". But then often I come across as an enigma to people, which isn't necessarily good either.

Then again it just also reflects how hard it is for me to trust people in general.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Funny you all say that just now walking into Roots I spotted a women I barely knew from my old church. I approached her and had a good long conversation with her. We talked for so long that she kept saying are you getting your coffee and I kept saying sorry for interrupting your studies but then we kept talking. This was before some nice guy gave me free ice cream something I mentioned to her. Then after I ran into a couple from the new church and talked s bit too.

Again why do I put these crazy things in my head? I still want validation what some of those terms I mentioned mean in psychology as I don't want to try to Google them knowing I am going to get Reddit filthy crap.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Very insightful @Gerald Wilgus . It sounds like being afraid to be vulnerable which is something that you have to do usually in relationships. Are you seeking validation and approval from attractive woman by trauma dumping? To make up for something that happened in college or high school? Are you still very hurt from those experiences? Are attractive woman a ****trigger****? So attractive woman take you back to that time you felt very hurt, and helpless? For some time, men did trigger me. It's really an effort to move on. I have strong boundaries with men now.

Being vulnerable to women was something that I had to work on when I was a lonely and isolated young adult. I learned that it was OK when I was having some little successes in my life . . . living independently, success and publication in research, having the resources to enjoy my interests. Because of that I liked who I was and was enjoying life. With that mindset I began dating and learned a lot about the care of relationships and then met my future spouse and was prepared (though shy) to recognize her value. She made me feel safe in being vulnerable to her and the rest is history.

I am hoping @Tony Ramirez will have success in valuing himself and find a relationship with a kind, generous, woman. Plus, finding acceptance is a wonderful aphrodisiac.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I am hoping @Tony Ramirez will have success in valuing himself and find a relationship with a kind, generous, woman. Plus, finding acceptance is a wonderful aphrodisiac.

I wish it was true but reading my recent post history I had some major trauma that looked like a kind generous women that was a textationship a recent gen z term look it up and major other drama so my trust is shattered and I been dumping on every woman that has been nice to me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I wish it was true but reading my recent post history I had some major trauma that looked like a kind generous women that was a textationship a recent gen z term look it up and major other drama so my trust is shattered and I been dumping on every woman that has been nice to me.

What I learned was that while we do not always have control over what happens to us in life, we absolutely control our responses to things.

Perhaps think that the women who are being nice to you have an interest in connection. Dumping on them is a way that you may have to keep them at arms length so that you are not disappointed. That is self sabotage. Instead of dumping, relate to them and enjoy the interaction. Women want to feel safe. Give them every reason to feel safe with the good and thoughtful Tony.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I do it now because it has become second nature. I just gone through so much trauma and social pain not women but a friend ostracizing me for no reason this year that I basically had to start over in a new environment church. That's how bad it has gotten.

 

[Aspychata]

So good points, you may dump to stay safe, and they are a trigger because you already filled in the storyline.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Okay I am a little on edge but in a good way but not by snapping at home I think from burnout. I talked to practically all women last night. I think except for the cashier, a couple of husbands and the pastor it was all women.

I ran into two women from my old church. One I had a lengthy discussion with at the cafe that I barely knew but now I know more. The other I knew for 5 years that was visiting but been before and is well known. The women who originally approached me that I found out the church 2 weeks ago. Two new women I sad next to just went up to and sat to eat and when they talked about coffee I mentioned ice coffee which I liked and the other new women liked it too and that started an conversation. Then I talked to the other one who I was afraid to approach last week and had a lengthy conversation. Talked about how I lived all my life in new York. Asked were she is from New Zealand which j never expected with no accent did not say that to her but I mentioned how pretty the country is mountains and she talked about it and I mentioned Australia and she mentioned that it does not have desert or predators. I learned something new.

So after that decompress in my room I did feel stressed and sweat, nervous but I think I did a lot of socializing especially with women.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Tony Ramirez

You have a lifetime behind you of situations/events and of your own behavior that weren't appropriate.

(Note that I'm not using "Trauma" here - the word is becoming meaningless, so it's mostly out of my vocabulary).

I remember a year or two ago telling you (because I knew 100%) that you were "pushing women away" with your attitudes and behaviors. You didn't listen, which is ok. But if you had, I could have provided some "technical" advice on how to stop doing that accidently.

Fortunately, later on you addressed it yourself. You stopped doing that due to your own efforts and I suppose some external help. That's a huge improvement, and it probably feels like you've almost mastered a skillset that takes many NT males a couple of decades to get right: low-key non-romantic interactions with women.

In fact you might be half-way there. But from 65% to 75% takes at least as much effort and experience to learn as 0 to 50. (75+ us not possible for the majority of guys. 90-100 is just a movie fantasy, not s sensible goal

You're still making mistakes.

What I learned was that while we do not always have control over what happens to us in life, we absolutely control our responses to things.

You've been given this information, in different forms, many times here. It's 100% correct, and 100% on-point.
It applies to all aspects if your life, but most relevantly, to every part of every social interaction you have.

Note that it doesn't address the causes of your issues. That's a different domain. But "control your responses" mitigates a very wide range of "secondary errors".

As yet you're only letting it guide your actions across a very narrow set of your own moods and of external situations. You could think of it as being a "good times" principle for you.
But that's not where its greatest value lies: the payoff is much bigger when it's used for "bad times" guidance..

You should work on controlling your behavior during these extreme episodes. Literally all you have to do is stop talking yourself so seriously, withdraw socially a for a little while, and stop generating "drama" with everyone in your life.

You don't need "therapy words", and you don't need a talk-therapist "picking at your scabs".
You definitely don't need to involve other people in a 100% personal issue - that's self-indulgent and is certainly harming most of your relationships in proportion to the level of drama you force on them.

You do need to wait out your mood swings so you don't do or say anything counter-productive.

Why?
It is bad behavior. People won't necessarily tell you (it's not polite), but they don't forget such behavior either.
Up to a point, friends will accept it.

But a rational potential romantic partner will not.

So some very specific dating advice for you:
* Good women do not like unpredictable men, and they don't want an emotionally dependent romantic partner.
* And the other side of that: women who (still) like chaos are not good romantic partners.

NB: There are indeed women who "like the chaos": gangsters, noisy emotionally dysregulated guys in big steroid-pumped bodies, addicts (a dysfunctional variety of the "caring" personality), social butterflies hiding deep insecurities, etc.

Generally there's no harm in talking to people with "complicated" pasts, and they have weird but sometimes interesting stories to tell. But I can't see one being a good romantic match for you

 

[Hypnalis]

@Tony Ramirez

There's an annoying typo in my long post above:: it's supposed to say "taking yourself seriously", but it says "talking".

I'll ask the mods to change it and remove this post.