obsessive thoughts about a person who is not in your life

[kityoume]

I would like to share, you could say, my main “pain,” at least this is what brings me discomfort in life. I’m not sure that this can be called a serious problem, but still this condition exhausts me. Perhaps some of you will understand or can give me advice as this sounds a lot like ADHD

At the age of 16 I met a girl who became my close friend, she also had mental problems and I liked communicating with her. I felt lost in life at that time and it gave me some sense of belonging. Because of my friendship with her, I moved to a big city (she set an example for me) and got the same job as her. we had even more things that united us. At that time she had a boyfriend, but when she broke up with him she invited me to become her girlfriend and we began a romantic relationship. When her boyfriend found out about this, he tried to commit suicide, but was saved. We lived together for a few months but it was dark because of covid, because of that situation with her ex and because of my mental problems. As a result, I suggested breaking up and we stopped living together and also stopped maintaining any communication in general. 2 years of ignoring each other. I had a lot of resentment all this time and my attempts to communicate were unsuccessful or ended in quarrels. Another year passed and we had a couple of good meetings during it and again there was a scandal. Now she no longer communicates at all.
I found out that during the time we didn’t communicate, she had another relationship and this person committed suicide and was not saved.
This whole story is difficult and gloomy, that move and that work were very destructive. This girl was often cruel to me and I saw two people around her literally kill themselves. This is not a normal story and I wish I had nothing to do with them.

however, all these years I feel that I constantly return in my thoughts to dialogues with this girl. It’s as if I’m assessing everything through her eyes. I fantasize about what a wonderful future we could have if I managed to establish contact with her and explain to her that she needs psychotherapy (I understand that this is stupid, but still). It still seems to me that we could be happy, although many years have passed. I'm scared to change my job and not be connected with her in any way, my attempts to contact her before the new year were ignored, but in my heart of hearts I hope that she will still answer..
I have no other significant relationships now, I haven't lived with anyone all these years, I'm confused about the questions "who am I?" and “what do I want from life?” I have a feeling that everything still revolves around this girl, although we don’t even communicate anymore. I would like to live my life fully and autonomously without her, but it seems to me that nothing matters without her and with her it would be more meaningful.
Have you ever had a similar hyper fixation on someone? how to see this value of life without him? how to let go of the past? again it seemed to me that we needed to talk about the relationship, but she did not answer me and I thought it was better this way, not contacting her brings more peace. But I still can't get rid of thoughts about her

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It sounds like regret. However, do realize that we cannot live our lives in the past. Our experiences do give us some knowledge, hopefully some wisdom, we cannot go backwards in time, but we do take our wisdom forward. Life lessons are good, even if they come from horrible circumstances. People with scars have a story to tell, and are some of the most interesting people to meet.

At best, daydreaming about what might have been if different decisions were made, had we said something different in the moment, all those "should have, would have, and could haves" we think about, is nothing more than perhaps a tortuous mental exercise that we do to ourselves in our quiet moments. Even if we could somehow go back in time to those critical moments, say or do something different,...then what? Would your life be different? Perhaps in the short-term, but what you don't know is, "In what way?". What about the long-term? Would you have had yet another, unforeseen conflict about something totally different that may or may not be even more consequential? We have no idea.

"Who am I?" and "What do I want from life?" are common questions that most people eventually pose to themselves. However, most will be lost and never know unless they are actively experiencing life and all it has to offer. Do you have a purpose in life? Do you wake up from a good sleep with an agenda for the day, something to work towards? The job, may be a means to an end you are working towards. Do you have short and long-term goals you are working towards? Do you seek out new experiences or mental and physical challenges? In short, the answers to these questions require an active body and mind. If you are passively waiting for someone to drop those answers in your lap, you're going to die without ever knowing. Only you can answer those questions.

 

[kityoume]

It sounds like regret. However, do realize that we cannot live our lives in the past. Our experiences do give us some knowledge, hopefully some wisdom, we cannot go backwards in time, but we do take our wisdom forward. Life lessons are good, even if they come from horrible circumstances. People with scars have a story to tell, and are some of the most interesting people to meet.

At best, daydreaming about what might have been if different decisions were made, had we said something different in the moment, all those "should have, would have, and could haves" we think about, is nothing more than perhaps a tortuous mental exercise that we do to ourselves in our quiet moments. Even if we could somehow go back in time to those critical moments, say or do something different,...then what? Would your life be different? Perhaps in the short-term, but what you don't know is, "In what way?". What about the long-term? Would you have had yet another, unforeseen conflict about something totally different that may or may not be even more consequential? We have no idea.

"Who am I?" and "What do I want from life?" are common questions that most people eventually pose to themselves. However, most will be lost and never know unless they are actively experiencing life and all it has to offer. Do you have a purpose in life? Do you wake up from a good sleep with an agenda for the day, something to work towards? The job, may be a means to an end you are working towards. Do you have short and long-term goals you are working towards? Do you seek out new experiences or mental and physical challenges? In short, the answers to these questions require an active body and mind. If you are passively waiting for someone to drop those answers in your lap, you're going to die without ever knowing. Only you can answer those questions.

Thank you