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Obsessions/Addictions and Aggression - Need Advice

Dallionz

Active Member
Hi Everyone,

I truly need advice, insight, and suggestions. But the background for this is long. So if you make it through, you are a saint.

My son:
X is 15, but is emotionally around 7. He has severe autism, a speech impairment (speech is clear, high vocabulary, long sentences, just not very conversational), epilepsy, and severe ADHD.

Aggression:
For the last three years, our son had been highly aggressive. When I say he’s aggressive, he’s hitting, kicking, shoving, tackling, head butting, biting, punching, scratching, and verbally threatening.

At its worst, it was nearly daily and sometimes for 2-3 hour stretches. We have a rescue medication now so doesn’t usually last longer than 30 minutes and it’s usually 1-3 times a week now. But it is very intense and usually results in us having to restrain which breaks my heart. But he tries his hardest to injure us and has in the past.

Addictions/Obsessions:
Almost all have to do with screens whether it’s the computer, iPad, or TV. 95% of aggression is because he wants access to these or wants to buy something he saw on one.

Current Electronic Situation:
- He has not had access to the internet in any form in 9 months or more. That means no computer access either except for a daily Zoom meeting with his class.
- We removed all TVs from the house a few months ago.
- We removed his iPad (no internet access before) and Nintendo DS three weeks ago.

Continued Problem:
It doesn’t matter what electronics we remove, he will still come out demanding something he’s watched and seen on YouTube and when he isn’t give access (which has been true for 9+ months) he becomes aggressive. I might be able to redirect after working on it for an hour, but usually he ends up trying to hurt me over it.

Last night he came after my husband over a movie on DVD he wanted (the only screen electronic he has left is a portable DVD player) and we wouldn’t go out and buy it but had told him he would get it on Saturday.

My husband is a software engineer. I’m an author. I can’t even write now because I cannot have a computer out or he’ll try to take it. I can’t usually even use my phone long for the same reason.

What We Have Tried:
We have tried charts. Earning electronic time for calm days. Losing electronics when he’s not calm. We’ve had a great deal of professionals who cannot help or find a way to decrease these behaviors. Now we are trying no electronics. We are on our own.

but the addictions, obsessions, and aggressions continue no matter what.

Don’t Know What to Do:
I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do. At this point, we need the aggression to stop. X is strong and is very scary. I don’t like restraining him and my husband and I are afraid to leave the other alone with him right now. We cannot get out and do things as a family because he flips out if he sees something he wants at a store, etc.

Will this focus on electronics ever ease? Or does the fact that he has an amazing memory mean he will still be hurting us over the same things five years from now and the rest of us having little access to electronics we need is for nothing?

Okay, I’m lucky I had this long. Going to post this, then will write an example below. Thanks for reading.
 
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So let me give an example. X loves the Disney show Special Agent Oso. But this is one show that never made it to Disney+. It is only available on Amazon Prime to stream.

He has gotten aggressive over wanting it many times. I managed to get him redirected today after literally over an hour.

So here are the problems with electronics in this scenario.

Amazon Prime: Even if he could stream it and watch it, he would go on to search other shows. If they couldn’t stream he would insist on buying them. We can’t afford to buy all of them. And trying to come up with a chart or a way to earn a season doesn’t work because with him, it’s all or nothing.

YouTube: I’m sure he could find the Oso episodes on YouTube. But that always leads down a number of other paths. He finds products he wants to buy (he loves watching commercials) that are no longer available. Or he can’t find the one episode he wants. Plus the pitfalls of inappropriate content that is always a worry.

All of the problems above have happened over and over and over again.

Even if he does find what he wants and is content with that, getting him off the electronic device in a reasonable amount of time - even when agreed upon ahead of time - can sometimes result in aggression.
 
Is it right to assume you have tried a behavior specialist? That seems the clearest route but it might take a few tries to find the one that can find a solution that works. As far as it goes, this is not rare. But is is serious/dangerous and can lead to hospitalization or even kids jail. When the parents/guardians no longer feel safe is often the turning point. You can't automatically blame yourself. Some kids simply do not respond and continue to escalate. But don't give up hope. I have known of very difficult kids that have made astounding turnarounds. All you can do is continue to work the problem. You never know when things may start to click and improve. I believe your physical safety does come first.
 
Yes, we have tried a behavior specialist. He is on a number of medications. We have tried many things over the course of three years. It’s scary, and there are no real alternatives for help at this point.

The idea of him going to a kid’s jail is so scary. Plus he truly is emotionally eight or younger at most. So him being in with kids his age like this is heartbreaking.

But it is also dangerous, too. And after three years it’s hard for my husband and I to remain positive or relax. I can’t ever relax.

I just wish we could figure out what will click and make him happy.

He lives for the next thing. His birthday was last week. All he can talk about is Christmas and then summer and swimming. We can’t figure out how to help him be happy where he is.

And we can’t afford to have new things to give him all the time, you know? We tried charts to work toward things he wants but the aggression always comes through.

Thank you for saying we can’t blame ourselves always. I wish there were alternatives. Because thinking about it being like this for another three years (or never ending) is very disheartening.

Is it right to assume you have tried a behavior specialist? That seems the clearest route but it might take a few tries to find the one that can find a solution that works. As far as it goes, this is not rare. But is is serious/dangerous and can lead to hospitalization or even kids jail. When the parents/guardians no longer feel safe is often the turning point. You can't automatically blame yourself. Some kids simply do not respond and continue to escalate. But don't give up hope. I have known of very difficult kids that have made astounding turnarounds. All you can do is continue to work the problem. You never know when things may start to click and improve. I believe your physical safety does come first.
 
Have you tried earning that is not connected to his behavior? Simple things he can do that you can give him praise for? Sometimes it is best to avoid focusing on behaviors. Many of us have meltdowns so it is not easy to be calm. The behavior of trying to injure you might be a sign he is trying to feel powerful in the wrong ways.

I am sure he feels absolutely powerless in this world and trapped. Show him ways of empowering himself. Things he can feel pride about. It sounds like you and your husband are very self empowered people. It can be difficult to understand a person who feels no power.

He might be seeking respect by creating chaos. The mind can work that way even in adults who are not "disordered". He is very lucky to have loving and concerned parents!
 
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It’s sad that you are at a point where you fear your child could end up in prison.


Behavioral therapy might work eventually with a different expert. No treatment or expert is ever going to work for everyone in every different situation. Also, accurate diagnosis takes time, if it even exists.
You shouldn’t give up hope, though. You aren’t allowed to give up when you are a parent.

My understanding is that your main issue is that your son gets aggressive when he doesn’t have his way or when he doesn’t get what he wants, is this accurate?

When things are serious, it’s best to stop trying to be too gentle and start serving people with harsh truths. I do NOT mean that parents should be rough or mean to their children. It’s the opposite, you should have infinite patience. Although I can’t tell you what you should do or assume I’d do what I’m about to suggest to you, if I were you, in your case. But I do have a suggestion.

I’m assuming that there must be a way to get his undivided attention even if that requires a bribe, then you can explain why it’s not his money that he wants to spend, and why you need to pay for other things in order to physically survive. Without being too dramatic, it should be possible to explain that a child does not earn money, therefore the child does not own any money. Neither does a child understand the needs that the parents have to pay for. Everything you have learned through age and experience is unknown to your child, he cannot be expected to know those things.


Medications are for symptoms; communication and therapy are for character and strength building. Meds won’t always be enough. And you aren’t guaranteed to always be there for him. It’s not up to you or anybody. And you can’t always give him everything he wants. But you need to understand as well that giving him what he wants is not going to make him happy. He’s not old enough to know that yet. He probably doesn’t know that those things he wants are replacements for feelings he cannot even describe or recognize yet.

I’m sure I’ve crossed a few lines here. But I actually mean well. I’m a little sleepy as I type this but I’ll post it, hoping that it makes sense, anyway.
 
There's one thing that stands out to me here, which is the taking away of, well, stuff. I could say electronics but in reality it could be anything.

The thing about alot of people on the spectrum... including myself... will have some central obsession/interest/whatever. Usually we just call it a "special interest". Generally, engaging with this interest/thing/whatever very frequently. For most of us, we get incredibly obsessed. Which may sound unhealthy, but honestly it just goes with the whole, uh, condition.

I've often thought that one of the reasons we get this hyper-focus on certain things is due to a lack of feeling like we have any control over much of anything else. So we latch on to something. In my case, it is electronics as well (video games, and this computer, in particular).

Here's the thing though: In a great many cases, disrupting this interest will lead to meltdowns, which can range from mild to... er... not mild. It can also lead to severe depression, among other issues. Or shutdowns, which are like the opposite of a meltdown. Suddenly, the thing we care about so much is just gone or inaccessible, and there's nothing else to turn to, everything feels like it's falling apart, and then comes the anger or fear or whatever, and.... BOOM.

Now, I'm not saying that you should just give in to his every whim. Obviously you cant just go buy him the newest electronic whatsit simply because he saw it in an ad or something.

But at the same time, taking everything away to gain "control" over the situation is likely just going to destabilize things even more. This comes from experience, as my own parents tried this when I was young (mostly because my grades were bad), and it never at any point proved to "cure" anything.... it always always always made things worse. Always. But it took them YEARS to realize this. Once they did realize it though, the random arguments almost entirely stopped.

Instead of simply snatching things up, pulling things away, my suggestion is to work WITH him... not against him, which is likely what he feels you're doing currently. His interests and obsessions likely give him that feeling of control/safety that so many of us have such deep trouble with. Working WITH those could be very beneficial.

But also, encourage him to use and experiment more with the gizmos/software/whatever that he already has, instead of asking for totally new things. I mean, think about it: even an iPad has nearly endless capabilities these days. There's so much "new" he could experience WITHOUT even having to buy anything. Moreso on a PC. Obviously though, always be attentive about his usage, dont let him do dangerous stuff, and so on.

But yeah, I can fully understand the need for "new" stuff all the time as I tend to go through that. But that's part of why the electronics focus has worked out for me, because the computer realm is so darned vast that there's ALWAYS something new to see/do/learn/watch/whatever without needing to even spend money, or do anything risky.

Also, and this is something I often suggest to basically everyone, but maybe try to encourage a new hobby IN ADDITION to (not replacing) his current interests? It's not at all good to be stuck in a rut, so to speak. As I discovered myself the hard way. Having some variety... more than just ONE focus to choose from at any given time... can go a long, long way towards helping with one's mental/emotional health. Not that finding a hobby is easy, definitely not. But it is a suggestion I always make nonetheless. In particular, a hobby that encourages alot of creativity might be a good idea, for anyone that experiences the "need new experiences" drive.

Also note one other thing on this topic, which is that age is often not QUITE as much of a factor as people will sometimes tell you it is. I'm saying this because alot of people will say things like "well at his age he should X" but that's not always the case (from a mental standpoint). I'm 38 myself. But if I had to guess, I'd say mentally/emotionally/whatever I'm probably still about 13. ....uhhhh.... I was going to say something else about this particular point, and then I blanked out and forgot what it was.

Oh, and a small suggestion occurs to me: you said that ads tend to lead him towards wanting random things? Are you not using adblockers? If you arent, I'd *strongly* suggest getting some. Youtube itself is STUFFED full of ads as you've likely seen, but.... it doesnt have to be. I dont see even one when I use it, but I've got 3 seperate adblockers running on here.

This also makes the internet as a whole a bit safer, because there's less of those dangerous shady links available to click on (which CAN appear on Youtube every now and then). Well, makes it safer even without worrying about directly clicking on things. Safer for everyone.



I dunno if any of this is actually helping or doing the opposite, but it's what occurred to me after seeing what you wrote, and thinking of not just my own experiences, but stories I've read from various people on this forum here as well.

Also I apologize if some of this doesnt entirely make sense, I aint so good at communication and I just woke up like an hour ago.
 
And one more thing, saying “no” is important in order to prepare him to hear it from other people throughout his life. Not just for him, it’s also for everyone else including but not limited to you.
 
Thank you all SO much for your responses. I'm going to quote part of your posts to make it easier to respond.

Have you tried earning that is not connected to his behavior? Simple things he can do that you can give him praise for? Sometimes it is best to avoid focusing on behaviors. Many of us have meltdowns so it is not easy to be calm. The behavior of trying to injure you might be a sign he is trying to feel powerful in the wrong ways

No, we haven't tried that. Everyone - especially ABA therapists and developmental pediatricians - have all harped on connecting it to his behavior. He has to have zero aggression for a certain amount of times with charts and all of that in order to earn access to electronics. And if he does have an aggression outburst, he loses access to them.

I do know that I try not to use the words "calm down" or have a "calm body" like his ABA therapists would say (we no longer take him to ABA therapy) because it seemed to only anger him. And while the aggression is super frustrating and painful for us, we can tell that, once he reaches that point, he has no control over what he's doing.

I'm sure you're right in that he feels very powerless in this world and trapped. Thank you for giving me something to think about - I will see what I can think of as far as helping him feel more empowered. I may even create a different post about this specifically.

It’s sad that you are at a point where you fear your child could end up in prison.

My understanding is that your main issue is that your son gets aggressive when he doesn’t have his way or when he doesn’t get what he wants, is this accurate?

Yes, it is sad. We don't want it to happen. Ever. I know we'll be taking care of him our whole lives. I'm okay with that. He's a great kid when he's not aggressive. Super helpful around the house. Very sweet and kind. All professionals from doctors to people at school say his aggression is what limits him.

Yes, our son gets super aggressive when he doesn't have his way or he doesn't get what he wants. However, it's not the little things. We're talking about things he wants to buy that aren't even made or in existence. It's not like we're just saying no for no's sake. No one could buy it. lol

I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions. We have talked about things with him, and I don't know if he doesn't understand things, or if his mind just gets caught up in it and he asks over and over anyway, even though he knows the answer and understands. But I do think more practice and more discussion when he's NOT already in that loop would be good.

And you have not crossed lines. That's why I'm here - I need to hear other insight, opinions, and suggestions. When we're stuck in a situation and things aren't working, it's too hard to see outside to gain fresh perspective. So thank you!

There's one thing that stands out to me here, which is the taking away of, well, stuff. I could say electronics but in reality it could be anything.

The thing about alot of people on the spectrum... including myself... will have some central obsession/interest/whatever. Usually we just call it a "special interest". Generally, engaging with this interest/thing/whatever very frequently. For most of us, we get incredibly obsessed. Which may sound unhealthy, but honestly it just goes with the whole, uh, condition.

I've often thought that one of the reasons we get this hyper-focus on certain things is due to a lack of feeling like we have any control over much of anything else. So we latch on to something. In my case, it is electronics as well (video games, and this computer, in particular).

Also I apologize if some of this doesnt entirely make sense, I aint so good at communication and I just woke up like an hour ago.

This is super helpful, thank you. My husband and I were just talking about it last night and wondering if taking everything away was just making things worse. :-( Even when he has access to it, we have issues. BUT, I like your suggestions about working WITH him on things. And then making sure lots of adblockers are installed, etc. The biggest issues with ads are on his iPad when connected to the internet, so we just would leave that off. But we are seriously considering allowing the computer and iPad (without internet access) again. But we would need some very specific rules stated ahead of time. Like NO buying products he sees online. Period. Because this is his interest, and I hate taking that away.

We've always allowed him to use those devices with time limits, but by himself. I like what you said about working with him. He loves listening to orchestra music. Maybe we can watch a video of an orchestra playing together first.

And one more thing, saying “no” is important in order to prepare him to hear it from other people throughout his life. Not just for him, it’s also for everyone else including but not limited to you.

You are definitely right. We have gotten to where, with the aggression, we tell him more often things like "Not this week" or "we can't until..." Which are all accurate. But we need to just say no or yes depending on the situation. Make it more black and white. Because, like you said, others will need to be able to tell him that as well. Things can't always be explained. Or with COVID, it's so hard because he wants to know if he can go to the water park in the summer. I wish I could tell him yes but I can't because I don't know what's going to happen between now and then.
 
I think what first needs to happen is to assist your child in regulating his negative emotions. His violent behavior is as stressful to him as to you. He will never be able to function well in society if he doesn't reign in his reaction to frustration.

This is not a job for online advice. You need a therapist who specializes in autistic teenagers. If what you are doing is not working go to someone with a different approach.

I've seen this kind of violence when I was working as a substitute teacher and I was assigned to autistic special ed. It was very bad. All the aids could do was to keep the boy confined until he calmed down.
 
Thank you - I appreciate your honesty. We've talked with psychiatrists, ABA therapists, and developmental pediatricians with no success. I'm not sure where to turn about finding another therapist who specializes in autistic teenagers. But I need to keep looking!

Thanks again.


I think what first needs to happen is to assist your child in regulating his negative emotions. His violent behavior is as stressful to him as to you. He will never be able to function well in society if he doesn't reign in his reaction to frustration.

This is not a job for online advice. You need a therapist who specializes in autistic teenagers. If what you are doing is not working go to someone with a different approach.

I've seen this kind of violence when I was working as a substitute teacher and I was assigned to autistic special ed. It was very bad. All the aids could do was to keep the boy confined until he calmed down.
 
I do know that I try not to use the words "calm down" or have a "calm body" like his ABA therapists would say (we no longer take him to ABA therapy) because it seemed to only anger him. And while the aggression is super frustrating and painful for us, we can tell that, once he reaches that point, he has no control over what he's doing.

To be honest whoever told you to say THAT probably shouldnt be doing the job they're doing.

Not just for those on the spectrum, but for... basically anyone... hearing "calm down" when angry just ignites even more flames. It honestly baffles me that any professional would ever say to do that.

Yes, our son gets super aggressive when he doesn't have his way or he doesn't get what he wants. However, it's not the little things. We're talking about things he wants to buy that aren't even made or in existence. It's not like we're just saying no for no's sake. No one could buy it. lol

I read this, and have a couple of thoughts on it.

1. When he has a desire for something... but it doesnt seem to exist... I can understand that one to an extent. Happens for me when browsing Youtube pretty often. Like I'll be thinking "Huh, it might be entertaining to see a playthrough of X game that I like, I'll have a look" which is then followed by "seriously? NOBODY did one? The whole giant site and nobody did it!" and a flash of anger. The more "obvious" the idea seems to be, the more irritating it is when it cant be found. But there's two aspects to this: Firstly, it might not be that it DOESNT exist... but instead, that search engines... which typically are dumber than a sack of hammers... simply arent pulling them up because the "right" words (which may in fact be the wrong words, seriously search engines make no sense sometimes) arent being used in the search. Expanding the search a bit, and trying even some terms that dont appear to initially make much sense... can SOMETIMES lead to finding the thing that didnt seem to exist. Second: It may also be a good idea to see if you can think up an idea for something that seems at least rather similar, and see if that can be found instead. Might be surprised, at sometimes finding things that way that are even better than the original idea.

2. When it comes to these things he wants and is into, it might be a good idea to try to get more insight on WHY he likes them. What aspects of these things are pulling him in so much? What is it about them that he enjoys? Can you learn more about the subject in general? I can say from experience... as can most of the people on this site... that not having our interests understood by those around us is pretty much one of the most frustrating things ever. The more you understand about this aspect when dealing with someone who is autistic (or has a similar condition on the spectrum or whatever), the easier it is to communicate with them. That seems to be an almost universal rule for whatever reason.

This is super helpful, thank you. My husband and I were just talking about it last night and wondering if taking everything away was just making things worse. :-( Even when he has access to it, we have issues. BUT, I like your suggestions about working WITH him on things. And then making sure lots of adblockers are installed, etc. The biggest issues with ads are on his iPad when connected to the internet, so we just would leave that off. But we are seriously considering allowing the computer and iPad (without internet access) again. But we would need some very specific rules stated ahead of time. Like NO buying products he sees online. Period. Because this is his interest, and I hate taking that away.

Yeah, that bit about the iPad just sucks. I have one but only very rarely use it for things like video browsing, because all it REALLY does is bring boatloads of corporate greed my way. Youtube being by far the worst. Sometimes you might get like 6 seperate ad breaks in one 10 minute video. Which is awful. Yet I've just never been able to find an ad-blocking thing of any sort that actually WORKS on iPad. Considering Apple's iron grip over the App Store, such a thing will likely never exist. Better to just stick with a PC for the internet. It's just a better experience for everyone involved.
 
This might be hard to hear but what I meant was that you aren’t guaranteed to outlive him, so you’d better prepare him for a life on his own in case you’re not there to take care of him forever.
When you’re not there to be patient with him and support him, it won’t be anyone else’s job and let’s face it: people are ruthless most of the time. And he could very well be mean to people by demanding too much, also. That’s why saying “no” is not a form of punishment, it’s about facing reality.

As for addictions and demands and not being able to stay off them, it’s all about the circumstances. One cannot ask for things he doesn’t think he has access to.
If he’s going overboard with his demands, and being unrealistic, that would be a symptom. But often kids don’t realize where the line is drawn especially when the parents are too ready to provide everything. But is he delusional?

Again, it’s not what he needs that he’s asking for, it’s a replacement. Like an addict taking drugs when the actual need is the state of mind that is, for them, achieved only by taking drugs. He’s craving for certain things but he is fixating on thinks that he things he wants. He wants the feeling that those things are likely to bring him.

We all do that. Not by drugs but by habits, things, etc. Autistic or not, this is something everyone has in common. We are all driven by the needs of our minds, which can’t be met by materials. Because now more than ever, people should be aware of the fact that there are things beyond our control, everything we have can go, everything we’ve known can change. The only thing we have is how we see things and how we react to them. Brutal or not, we all need to know how to survive without what we’ve been given or provided with all our lives, in case it’s all taken away suddenly. Recognizing our privileges should help. Yes, whoever is reading has a privilege since they are here. So many people are alone, trapped somewhere, without a voice or a connection to a network like the internet, since they have to worry about primal needs first. Even being here to discuss whatever we like is a major privilege.

We could all gain a lot by stepping out of our comfort zones and peeking in to the lives of other people. I wouldn’t have seen things if they hadn’t been shown to me patiently.
 
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Thank you - I appreciate your honesty. We've talked with psychiatrists, ABA therapists, and developmental pediatricians with no success. I'm not sure where to turn about finding another therapist who specializes in autistic teenagers. But I need to keep looking!

Thanks again.

I’d recommend reaching out to Noah Britton of Aspergers are Us on Twitter. That seems to be their main platform.
Also Michael McCreary and his parents on facebook where they’re online more often rather than Twitter. You can also find their talks on YouTube. But I recommend personally reaching out to them to ask about specialists. It’s true that you need more than online advice but I’m confident that you will find guidance if you keep asking around first.

I think you’re on the right track here, getting insights from as many people as you can.
 
As crazy as it is, your situation reminds me of our kitten Milly. She is very forward and if we allowed her to have her way, she would created havoc. Shouting at her and slapping would only serve to make her frightened of us, so I have had to learn to REDIRECT her attention and it works. So, perhaps you can do the same with your son, is to redirect his attention?

I was thinking: what if Milly could use devices? Wow, that would be a huge problem and no doubt, cost a lot of money, with all her zealous purchases. So, as you are doing, is to keep your son away from things that will cost you money. If you have a quiet place, can you put your computer there and work?

Mostly, as with even "normal" teens, they are stuck between child and adult and lash out when things do not go away, so add your son, who is a teen, but has all these issues to contend with, no wonder he acts out and no wonder you both fear that.

You say he has a child's mind, so could you talk to him as a you would a child?

Sorry for not being much help.
 
I'm not sure I can offer advice but maybe I can offer a little hope. We experienced a similar, although not as severe a situation, with our son at a similar age. For us medication did help but therapy didn't. We started to see improvements when we realised, or thought we did, that what he really wanted was his independence. One element of this was that we got his agreement that, when things got heated, both him and us had the right to walk away to a safe space, but it sounds as though this isn't an option for you. Fighting his obsessions never worked but using them in a positive way (trying to combine what he liked and what he was good at) to make him feel better about himself did slowly lead to an improvement, although it was a real struggle to hit a balance between treating him as an adult and a child. 10 years on, we still have the occasional broken door frame but the fear of physical violence has gone.
 
Have you considered therapy just for yourselves to make it easier to live your given life? You ought not to be living in misery. It won't help your son any if you start burning out. I'd suggest someone who worked in Radical Acceptance theory.
 
Hi Dallionz, hope it's ok, i'm going to tell you a story that comes to mind.

When my son was three, another mother started to convince me he was being defiant willfully in all things including potty training. "If you whoop him he'll get it on the potty". I was unwilling to make it punitive, but he was over four feet tall, one of those way over the growth chart curve kids.

So in the morning, potty chair, sippy cup, in front of tv with favorite show to pass the time, to make it like 'hey, this is just what we do in the morning now', very matter of fact. Once that got to be the new normal, we moved onto the big potty, still had only echolalia, didn't get what i was saying, my mindset was not yet intense fear for his future if i fail him. So far as i know Einstein took till 4 or 5 to talk, so yeah, no real worries.

The first time I left the bathroom i hear 'uh ohhh, uh ohhh, uh ohhh' and there he is pointing at the pee puddle he made next to the potty, on the floor...a good six months of patience, i've done everything the opposite of my childhood, and still he will not...maybe that mom was right he needs a smack.

No idea why, but thank God, immediately I knelt next to him so we're both looking at the pee, put my arm around him and shook my finger yelling at the pee, "Bad pee pee, bad pee pee, you go in the potty!" then turned to him and said "You ok?" He shook his finger at the pee and echoed me and off we went together, son and mom victorious over the bad pee pee. By chance it worked, could have been the start of a new 'fun' thing, pee on the floor.

If i told you all the violence, waking to knives to our neck, harming himself, i was lost, scared, sick inside, tapped out, cause i did not understand his motivations let alone how to parent him, the older he got the more complex. He is really not a good/bad or reward/punishment kind of kid. Worse, I stopped focusing on all the times we DO connect. There weren't many, which made it more important, focus on what works.

I never realized all the things i was doing RIGHT until years later. It is entirely possible you are doing more things RIGHT than you are aware of. Purpose of long potty story, YOU MAY BE DOING A LOT OF THINGS RIGHT.

You're gonna hear over and over all these 'experts' telling you what not to do or what not to let him do, charts and graphs and blah blah blah. I remember the first time I said, "will you show me how?" and the 'expert' firmly grabbed his shoulders and calmly said NO with a smirk. Then, got spit on big time by my son until he released his shoulders. Spit was dripping from the guys glasses!

Next visit, i am asking how to resolve this new thing he has learned, to get people to get out of his face he spits on them. Thanks doc.

Gee, grabbing his shoulders so he can't move and saying No, why didn't i think of that. You should think about suing the college you paid, doc.

My JACKPOT was a teacher, honest she likely 70. Magically, in her class, he had zero behavioral issues. The right doc, therapist, who ever brings out the best in your son, that can do with your child what they are asking you to do, makes all this crap make more sense. They ought to be able to model the success, they expect you to have. That's reasonable, just reasonable.

also reasonable, i learn to post less than a book. workin on that :)
 
I haven’t been able to get on the computer long enough to respond to each of you. But I have read YOUR responses and appreciate them. Thank you so much for taking the time to type them up!!
 
One question. Does he damage, hit, break, destroy the computers or devices?

I apologize for my previous post...thought your son was 7, my fault for not reading the very first thing you wrote. am so sorry i gave a potty training story. literally just now read 15, edited this to apologize to you.
 
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