NT needing advice

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

Righ now, like with what a lot of people are saying, I think he might just need space. I'm not really the best to ask when it comes to relationship advice anymore. I used to be, but that became null and void once I got into my first relationship. I know more about Depression and Asperger's now than I do about relationships.

I struggle with adulting myself. I want to be more independent, like I'm sure he does, but it's ten times as hard for aspies than NTs. We struggle with getting chores done, controlling our finances, and we get frustrated when things don't go the way we want them to. Just try to be patient with him. You'll get to a mutual understanding of each other sooner than you think.

I'm good with giving him space. I'm just concerned about when too much space is too much.

 

[Jusdifferent]

Yes. Believe him, Rabbit. AS and depression go hand in hand for many of us. Video games are a way of coping/escaping. Also, it could be the holidays. I absolutely LOATHE them. So many bad memories off all the stress, the forced socialization, the over-stimulation... My god... The list just goes on, and on. I do the same thing every year right after Halloween, and "stay to myself" until right after New Years, when it's "safe to come out". All the best to you both <3

 

[Judge]

I'm good with giving him space. I'm just concerned about when too much space is too much.

Maybe that's a fundamental difference between the two neurological profiles.

Simply put, in my world there is never "too much space". And that it's never intended to be a personal slight with those in my personal orbit who on occasion may sadly interpret it to the contrary.

That when I require such solitude I take it accordingly, much like a reliable medication. And that no matter what it entails or how long it takes, that I always come back refreshed and recharged.

 

[OkRad]

I have autism and I would never date me! i find that Auties are way too complicated and NTs are WAY to boring, so I just gave up. My books and their ideas are way better lovers anyway.

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

Yes. Believe him, Rabbit. AS and depression go hand in hand for many of us. Video games are a way of coping/escaping. Also, it could be the holidays. I absolutely LOATHE them. So many bad memories off all the stress, the forced socialization, the over-stimulation... My god... The list just goes on, and on. I do the same thing every year right after Halloween, and "stay to myself" until right after New Years, when it's "safe to come out". All the best to you both <3

I've been wondering if it's the holidays that have increased his withdrawal. I have asked him a few times about making plans for NYE, and I suspect this is a cause of some distress for him, even though I know he is aware this is a holiday couples typically spend together as we have discussed it in the past. Last week, after getting noncommittal answers on the topic, I asked him if he was having misgivings about the plan I have in mind or just making plans. He then took his space by not responding or talking to me for almost a week. I gave him that time, haven't pressured him and only text to ask him if he is alive since he normally at least responds.

I'm really starting to come together with how to give him space and not let my NT girl brain drive me crazy. Just trying to figure out exactly what is required of me to help him, whether it's space or specific wording or requests etc.

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

I have autism and I would never date me! i find that Auties are way too complicated and NTs are WAY to boring, so I just gave up. My books and their ideas are way better lovers anyway.

What about NT's do you find boring? Just curious

 

[AveApollo]

Although we are autistic, we can't provide specific answers to "how long does he need?". That's something you have to work out together or just see how things go, but you need to talk with him. It seems like he needs some form of cognitive behavioural therapy for depression. If he does go for therapy, I'd recommend he tells the therapist he is autistic and for them to read up on how to approach CBT therapy for an Autistic person. We think in different ways to you. Also, we are WAY less likely to cheat. Lying or keep secrets causes us great anxiety, so we cannot live with ourselves if we have to be dishonest. Also, cheating involves complicated mind games or manipulation or social intelligence/specific type if empathy:inuitively knowing what others think, all things what we aren't very good at at all. So I doubt he'd cheat. Also, as I've had depression, you typically lose interest in things, so you're not suddenly going to be motivated to cheat or do anything like that.

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

Although we are autistic, we can't provide specific answers to "how long does he need?". That's something you have to work out together or just see how things go, but you need to talk with him. It seems like he needs some form of cognitive behavioural therapy for depression. If he does go for therapy, I'd recommend he tells the therapist he is autistic and for them to read up on how to approach CBT therapy for an Autistic person. We think in different ways to you. Also, we are WAY less likely to cheat. Lying or keep secrets causes us great anxiety, so we cannot live with ourselves if we have to be dishonest. Also, cheating involves complicated mind games or manipulation or social intelligence/specific type if empathy:inuitively knowing what others think, all things what we aren't very good at at all. So I doubt he'd cheat. Also, as I've had depression, you typically lose interest in things, so you're not suddenly going to be motivated to cheat or do anything like that.

He's got a great relationship with his therapist, she's aware he's autistic. I think he has done CBT in the past but his current focuses on EMDR for PTSD from some childhood traumas.

I don't believe he would cheat, and I have had an inner conversation with myself the few times I ever felt insecure during his need for space. I trust him 100% in that regard. I know he may not always feel comfortable telling me how he's feeling or know how to explain it, but I have complete trust that he won't ever lie to me.

I hope this isn't seeming as if I want you all to give me exact answers, I'm just looking for anecdotal advice to get me in the right direction of how to keep moving forward. It's very helpful. So thank you!

 

[Liam Sifr]

I've been wondering if it's the holidays that have increased his withdrawal. I have asked him a few times about making plans for NYE, and I suspect this is a cause of some distress for him, even though I know he is aware this is a holiday couples typically spend together as we have discussed it in the past. Last week, after getting noncommittal answers on the topic, I asked him if he was having misgivings about the plan I have in mind or just making plans. He then took his space by not responding or talking to me for almost a week. I gave him that time, haven't pressured him and only text to ask him if he is alive since he normally at least responds.

I'm really starting to come together with how to give him space and not let my NT girl brain drive me crazy. Just trying to figure out exactly what is required of me to help him, whether it's space or specific wording or requests etc.

Whenever my partner asks me to make plans I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. It has to be right, if not perfect. I have to have the means for it. Husbands pay for the dates, set aside some cash for the expense. I hate crowds. It freak me out. I can never figure out an exit strategy when we are packed like sardines in a can. She loves crowds and celebrations. She's tolerating my needs. She needs this event as much as I need her. Transportation is a chore at new year eve countdowns. We would have to walk for hours. I recall the scuffle I got into just because I almost had a meltdown many years back....

These and many more thoughts run in my head in less than a second the last time my wife said we should do something on new years eve. And it was a vague statement in passing.

And it was november.

We worry too much. Its involuntary. We worry more with the added pressure of a loved one placing expectations upon us especially with lack of clarity, parameters and context. The recursive though often leads to meltdowns or depression.

So please be gentle with him.

 

[MollyPolly55]

Yes. Believe him, Rabbit. AS and depression go hand in hand for many of us. Video games are a way of coping/escaping. Also, it could be the holidays. I absolutely LOATHE them. So many bad memories off all the stress, the forced socialization, the over-stimulation... My god... The list just goes on, and on. I do the same thing every year right after Halloween, and "stay to myself" until right after New Years, when it's "safe to come out". All the best to you both <3

Lol I do the same. I get so sad when November comes around. When everyone is planning what to do for Christmas and New Years, I'm just literally waiting till they are over. When January finally comes around, theres a big sigh of relief and I'm so happy that I made it through.

 

[MollyPolly55]

I've been wondering if it's the holidays that have increased his withdrawal. I have asked him a few times about making plans for NYE, and I suspect this is a cause of some distress for him, even though I know he is aware this is a holiday couples typically spend together as we have discussed it in the past. Last week, after getting noncommittal answers on the topic, I asked him if he was having misgivings about the plan I have in mind or just making plans. He then took his space by not responding or talking to me for almost a week. I gave him that time, haven't pressured him and only text to ask him if he is alive since he normally at least responds.

I'm really starting to come together with how to give him space and not let my NT girl brain drive me crazy. Just trying to figure out exactly what is required of me to help him, whether it's space or specific wording or requests etc.

It might be the New Years thing. I simply hate New Years and every holiday. I just don't get why we are supposed to act different on those days. It's draining and exhausting just thinking about it. Maybe you should let him know that you wouldn't mind doing something low key with him. Such as staying home and doing something special on that day just the two of you.

 

[Rachel]

I can tell you that it can be very frustrating being an NT in a relationship with an Aspie, because I see how difficult it is for my husband to deal with me. I didn't ask for what I needed - I would just get furious when he didn't offer me what I wanted - a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or solitude - I never asked. At the time I didn't know I was an Aspie. I just knew I was a huge pain in the a** to live with. I still am. If your guy has been in relationships where he has been left when he gets depressed, then he is feeding his own depression by feeling that you will leave him just as everyone else has. Maybe let him know that you're there for him, no matter what (only if you truly feel that way. And I wouldn't judge you if you have your doubts). Knowing that you will not leave him because he gets depressed may be the first step he needs to pull himself out of the hole.
My husband stood by me through 2 suicide attempts. I knew then and there that he wasn't going to just up and leave me when the worst happened, because it already had and he was still around. It gave me the small amount of extra courage I needed to start trusting that he would always be there for me. I'm guessing your guy has trust issues if he's been left so often. I have huge trust issues. And the only way I got past them with my husband was that he proved himself over and over to me that no matter how much of a pain I was, he stayed. It must have been very trying for him. So I guess, patience. Reassurance. Kindness. And more patience.

 

[Rachel]

I can tell you that it can be very frustrating being an NT in a relationship with an Aspie, because I see how difficult it is for my husband to deal with me. I didn't ask for what I needed - I would just get furious when he didn't offer me what I wanted - a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or solitude - I never asked. At the time I didn't know I was an Aspie. I just knew I was a huge pain in the a** to live with. I still am. If your guy has been in relationships where he has been left when he gets depressed, then he is feeding his own depression by feeling that you will leave him just as everyone else has. Maybe let him know that you're there for him, no matter what (only if you truly feel that way. And I wouldn't judge you if you have your doubts). Knowing that you will not leave him because he gets depressed may be the first step he needs to pull himself out of the hole.
My husband stood by me through 2 suicide attempts. I knew then and there that he wasn't going to just up and leave me when the worst happened, because it already had and he was still around. It gave me the small amount of extra courage I needed to start trusting that he would always be there for me. I'm guessing your guy has trust issues if he's been left so often. I have huge trust issues. And the only way I got past them with my husband was that he proved himself over and over to me that no matter how much of a pain I was, he stayed. It must have been very trying for him. So I guess, patience. Reassurance. Kindness. And more patience.

 

[OkRad]

I am sorry, Rabbit. I did not mean to be rude. I just find them very much alike and demanding. THey think we are demanding, but we just want to be left alone most of the time. Sometime, during periods of our lives, we reach out. Like he is reaching out.

I am just saying that we are very complicated creatures, so complicated that there are a lot of us who just plain think we are form another planet. I can't explain it. And no one else can, really.

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

I am sorry, Rabbit. I did not mean to be rude. I just find them very much alike and demanding. THey think we are demanding, but we just want to be left alone most of the time. Sometime, during periods of our lives, we reach out. Like he is reaching out.

I am just saying that we are very complicated creatures, so complicated that there are a lot of us who just plain think we are form another planet. I can't explain it. And no one else can, really.

I didn't take it as rude, I was genuinely curious. But I understand what you mean.

 

[AveApollo]

I have autism and I would never date me! i find that Auties are way too complicated and NTs are WAY to boring, so I just gave up. My books and their ideas are way better lovers anyway.

I have Autism and WOULD date me. I used to think I wouldn't. That was when my self esteem was low...because I didn't know about Asperger's and didn't have a diagnosis yet.

When I read your comment I personally thought that: by stating Autism and not dating you in the same sentence, it's sending a message to this/other NTs and Autistics themselves, that we may not be date-able, which is wrong.

 

[OkRad]

you are totally right! I should clarify. I would not date me because of the damage I have sustained because I did notknow I had Autism and was so abused. But heck yeah! Without that? I would have been a great catch. We tend to be very compassionate and many of us ARE loving.

On the other hand, I do have that trouble with being terribly rigid, but again, looked at in another light, it provides an astonishing amount of stability which some partner may need and family, too.

All in all, thank you for the correction because before your post I did n't quite parse out the trauma from the Autism and even other traits that we have that we would still have if we had no autism!

We are far too complex to say always and never.

 

[AveApollo]

you are totally right! I should clarify. I would not date me because of the damage I have sustained because I did notknow I had Autism and was so abused. But heck yeah! Without that? I would have been a great catch. We tend to be very compassionate and many of us ARE loving.

On the other hand, I do have that trouble with being terribly rigid, but again, looked at in another light, it provides an astonishing amount of stability which some partner may need and family, too.

All in all, thank you for the correction because before your post I did n't quite parse out the trauma from the Autism and even other traits that we have that we would still have if we had no autism!

We are far too complex to say always and never.

Thanks for the clarification

 

[dave_at_edi]

...He fell into a pretty heavy depression several months ago that has spiraled pretty severely the past couple months...


Maybe there is a physical component to his depression.

Stress and depression reinforce each other. Does he snore loudly? If so, have you heard him stop breathing, then restart with a gasp? If so, this is called sleep apnea, and is very, very stressful on the body. Instead of being restful, the body goes into panic mode because the brain isn't getting enough oxygen, and heavy-duty stress chemicals are released.

If you have observed him stopping breathing, have him research sleep apnea -- for you. Then ease him into it, by gently saying that you have heard him stop breathing, and were wondering if those symptoms clicked with him. Does he wake up feeling rested, or not. A mental help therapist wouldn't be able to observe this.

 

[RabbitHeartedGirl]

...He fell into a pretty heavy depression several months ago that has spiraled pretty severely the past couple months...


Maybe there is a physical component to his depression.

Stress and depression reinforce each other. Does he snore loudly? If so, have you heard him stop breathing, then restart with a gasp? If so, this is called sleep apnea, and is very, very stressful on the body. Instead of being restful, the body goes into panic mode because the brain isn't getting enough oxygen, and heavy-duty stress chemicals are released.

If you have observed him stopping breathing, have him research sleep apnea -- for you. Then ease him into it, by gently saying that you have heard him stop breathing, and were wondering if those symptoms clicked with him. Does he wake up feeling rested, or not. A mental help therapist wouldn't be able to observe this.

He doesn't snore or have apnea of any kind. He is depressive, though, so he is lethargic all day and can't sleep at night. So no, he isn't waking up refreshed, but it isn't due to apnea.