NT in love with ASD guy

[TeriM]

Hi hope you dont all mind me crashing your Forum! I have been seeing my guy for 10 months now and he was honest before our first date about his Autism. We had some issues in the beginning, mainly due to me not understanding fully his withdrawals and need to be left alone. Although I totally get it now this has to be the most emotionally draining relationship I have ever had!! I love him so much and because I am so aware of his stress levels I always put his needs first, this means I spend a lot of time crying or feeling low. When we are together it is amazing, he is affectionate and makes me feel so special. He says he loves me but me being an NT I get very confused especially if he doesnt see me for a couple of weeks. We text everyday but sometimes he seems so distant. I guess I am just looking for opinions that I am not wasting my time loving him

 

[Harrison]

Hi Teri,

Welcome to AC, you'll find a few threads dealing with relationships between NT/ASD or ASD/ASD but you might want to take a look in our resource section.

A good start point would be this

22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

Enjoy your stay.

 

[TeriM]

Thank you will have a read x

 

[Shalott]

Hello TeriM,
I do understand you very well.
I'm dating a guy with Asperger's syndrome with whom I feel the strongest connection I've ever felt with anybody. We've been together for some months and he's always told me he was "a very complicated person". Besides he came from a relationship in which he felt the love of a family for the first time (I think I can't even get to imagine what he has gone through). A couple of days ago he felt comfortable telling me he had the syndrome and it completely change my view about the relationship, in the sense that now his actions have a reason and I might or not understand them but now I know I can try to.

I know some won't understand me, wanting this kind of relationship, and that difficult times will come. But as I say: I fell in love with the person and that implies the "whole package". I would feel a bit hypocritical telling you "I never felt for anyone the way I feel for him" and at the same time saying "I wish I could change his condition". I hope you don't misunderstand me, what I'm trying to say is that if you love the person no matter the existing "obstacles", you will always give it a try because you feel it is worth the effort (then it may or not work).
Besides, I've always thought society has instil "the model of love relationship" in us. It's as if any relation should be that way and no other.
For example, I have come across some guys not understanding I wanted some time on my own, in order to study and grow as a person (for them not dedicating my whole life to them was as if I didn't love them). I personally don't share that vision of "love" and this is a problem I know I won't have with my actual partner.

I think what we NT can do is read about this issue and search for as many info as possible, trying to understand the other and "learn" to act with the ASD person making him/her comfortable with you. Also, make an extra effort (both members) so as to make things work. I think it's a matter of both adjusting, but without having to change ourselves and finding a halfway point of comfort. I believe that in this type of relationship (more than in any other) you need to reinforce the other person's virtues, making them aware you know those and you truly value them, as well as finding common interests so you feel more connected. And patience and understanding (the world in general lacks of it).

I don't think I can be of great help, but if you'd like to talk or something I'd be glad to speak with you. Just open a private conversation in here and I'll answer as quickly as possible

 

[phoe]

We tend to be honest and loyal, even if we are as thick as two short planks where emotional intelligence is concerned - I'm an aspie who's been married now for almost 22 years, if you can put up with our flaws we can be keepers !

 

[TeriM]

We tend to be honest and loyal, even if we are as thick as two short planks where emotional intelligence is concerned - I'm an aspie who's been married now for almost 22 years, if you can put up with our flaws we can be keepers !

I hope so because I love him very much even if he is hard work! He tells me I am very different to his other gfs because I give him space. I could nag him but what would that achieve if he is already giving as much as he can?

 

[AutumnRed]

I've been with my wonderful NT wife for around 7 years now, and she has had to make innumerable amounts of sacrifices for me. I've asked her many times why she bothers with me, and I still don't entirely understand, but it would seem that I give her things that nobody else can, and this is because of Aspergers. Like most aspies I'm completely loyal, honest, I listen, I try to let her be whoever she needs to be, and I'm entirely committed to the relationship as best I can be. But I AM hard work! I don't mean to be though! All I can add to that, is that if I'm hard work for her, everything in life is extra hard-work for me, including the exhaustion that comes with taking part in social things that are important to her.

I think how MUCH hard work aspies can be, also depends on how much help we get, to make life more liveable for us. I got no help at all, growing up. My wife has made all the difference to me, every year is better than the last because of her. I have less melt-downs, I can socialise longer, am much less of a pain than I used to be. The sacrifices she makes never stop, but she gets to enjoy the good things about me, much more.

I know if she broke up with me, she could be in another relationship in a flash if she wanted to, there is more than one ex boyfriend who is much less hassle and with much more money than I have, that would no doubt love to have her back. But they can't give her what I can (whatever that is, lol). I know she loves me very much, she tells me and shows me everyday, so I must be doing something right.

So if you love him deeply, and give it time, accept the difficulties, he might be just what you need

I wish you the best of luck and love!

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I think it's a matter of both adjusting, but without having to change ourselves and finding a halfway point of comfort.

Well-spoken. I would add that "half-way" is not necessarily reciprocal; part of what seems to confuse the NT side is that they ask for so "little" without realizing that it looks like a little because they are used to giving it and it doesn't cost them much. Some things aren't negotiable and can't be brought to the table in that sense, but that's true for both sides.

Something that frequently puzzles me is when I become an accidental Saint of the System (to twist Temple Grandin's term, "Sin of the System.") Fairly often someone will look at me and express a lot of gratitude for something that cost me nearly nothing and which I didn't expect to be notable. Until I figure out exactly what part of the social System I unwittingly did right, I am pretty disquieted because I know I can't keep meeting that standard.

The helpful thing that happened for me, and I think can happen for others, is that an aspie/NT relationship makes it very clear what need actually means, relative to want. And that there's often more than one way to get needs it, depending on what the needs actually are.

IMHO, of course!

 

[Shalott]

Well-spoken. I would add that "half-way" is not necessarily reciprocal; part of what seems to confuse the NT side is that they ask for so "little" without realizing that it looks like a little because they are used to giving it and it doesn't cost them much. Some things aren't negotiable and can't be brought to the table in that sense, but that's true for both sides.

Something that frequently puzzles me is when I become an accidental Saint of the System (to twist Temple Grandin's term, "Sin of the System.") Fairly often someone will look at me and express a lot of gratitude for something that cost me nearly nothing and which I didn't expect to be notable. Until I figure out exactly what part of the social System I unwittingly did right, I am pretty disquieted because I know I can't keep meeting that standard.

The helpful thing that happened for me, and I think can happen for others, is that an aspie/NT relationship makes it very clear what need actually means, relative to want. And that there's often more than one way to get needs it, depending on what the needs actually are.

IMHO, of course!

I agree. Perhaps the NT has to make a little more effort (after all we can adapt to changes better than the AS). Of course not to the extend of the NT part being the only one adjusting. I think I even talk with you about the asyncopated reciprocity: not expecting to receive as the same time we give (which by the way, helped me a lot ).

I think it's quite important for the NT to "forget" how the other relationships were, since there's no point in trying to make them look alike cause they won't. In fact the moment you try to find things alike, there might come a problem.
We need to be aware from the very beginning this type of relationship is going to be different and we need to have into account different things.
Let's see if I can make myself clear with an example: in my other relationships I never had into account when the other ask me how was I doing cause I saw it as the usual thing (sort to speak). But now I consider it as a display of affection, as if my partner was saying: "I care for you and I want to show you that I love you". When perhaps he doesn't even feel like talking!
It's a matter of appreciating things (especially those we know the AS finds more difficulty in doing) and, as you say, making the other aware you appreciate them.

 

[Tom]

Try telling him what is making you unhappy. If its a love-worthy relationship he will make efforts to meet your needs better. Your needs have to be equal in value and met as much as his. If he doesn't, cut your losses and him. He's not ready for a balanced relationship yet.