NT dating AS? PLEASE POST!!!!

[tapian]

For al those who are NT and dating an AS please post some feedback on how the relationship is going. I am going crazy and dont know what to do...thanks

 

[motormouse]

What's wrong Tapian? Why are you going crazy? Did you have an argument?

 

[tapian]

Im just feeling more and more like he cant satisfy my needs. But I love him. I dont know if I am just too demanding and have too many needs that he cant satisfy. Emotional, sexual, etc. Very exasperated.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Why not also ask AS who are dating NTs to write? You might get better insights.

 

[Peace]

I recommend a short book "Asperger Syndrome-A Love Story" by: Sarah Hendrickx and Keith Newton.
This explains a lot.

 

[Girlblue22]

hey tapian.
I am in the very exact same boat as you right now. My bf and I have been struggling for years what keeps us together and fighting is our love for eachother. But i feel like Ive been putting in the most effort. I too wonder if I have too many needs and stuff that he can't handle, and i'm starting to think its because I have one ideal of how my relationships are supposed to go and he has a different. His version translates to me as me just being there conveniently. like he always needs space and stuff and when i have something deep i want to talk about he cant respond and then forgets to and its very hurtful. Right now he is all about getting space and doing his own thing but still wants to date me and be faithful to me and its beyond hurtful for me. I don't feel loved when he'd rather hang out by himself or with his friends than spend time with me. Thats what I need. I want romance and love, tho he thinks we have it, it isn't my version of it and its hard for me to understand....

 

[Waltsingmatilda]

Hi taipan
I'm a NT and been with my partner for 28 years. I too feel this way regularly, he is not a diagnosed aspie, but admits he could be. I get through these times by encouraging a lot of conversation and telling him what I need, but gently. I invite him to lunch, or suggest that we hang out together. But most of all keep busy and don't think too much! I study, craft, exercise and work. I also have to be there for my kids. Sometimes it's ok to go to the movies or go shopping and enjoy your own life. I find it very lonely sometimes, but just keep busy. He comes around eventually, I find he isn't even aware that he blocks me out. Tell them how you feel or they won't know .

 

[neurotypical1]

I was dating a aspie but it did not work out for various and some are similar reasons that were already described. I do not think love alone is enough even for NT-NT relationships. My suggestion is to think carefully about what is important in your life in the long term and what your physical, emotional, and financial/security needs can be met by your love interest. Take care.

 

[Judge]

It all sounds so terribly familiar. As an Aspie I absolutely require that "space" alone. It was never intended as a way to "block anyone out". But being alone means something very different to as Aspie than an NT. Yet my NT partners all took this terribly personally, and eventually their unhappiness about it drove me (or them) to terminating the relationship.

In my own case, I consider myself to be mildly autistic. Had I or my partners known of my own neurological profile at the time, I think I would have made a concerted effort to be more aware of my partner's needs apart from my own. I'm apt to think that most if not all of us Aspies are hard-wired with a required sense of solitude NTs are likely never going to truly relate to.

All any such couple can do is to be as transparent about it all as is possible. To KNOW that what drives your socialization needs are neurologically based, and not simply attitudes, wants or needs which can so easily be adjusted. From my own perspective, if an Aspie partner is unwilling to sincerely try to work on the relationship, that's likely to be your queue as an NT to move on.

Don't be patient and wait and hope. TALK about it to them...but do so intelligently rather than rely on emotions alone. Negotiate!

 

[Ereth]

The original post is from a year ago, and I don't think I've seen Tapian around here for a while.

 

[Judge]

The original post is from a year ago, and I don't think I've seen Tapian around here for a while.

Yes, but the last three posts were recent, all reflecting similar NT sentiments. Made it worth commenting on for their sake. I'd hope to see this thread continue as long as there are those who can so easily relate to this....with or without the OP.

 

[neurotypical1]

I did not realize the posting date was that long ago. Yes, it is perhaps not surprising that relationship issues are centered around similar difficulties in AS/NT couples.

 

[Judge]

It does make me wonder how many of us have an inherent aversion to being around someone in close proximity on a near 24/7 basis. In my own case it can be difficult and stressful, no matter how much I may care about a significant other. For me at times it can potentially be a form of sensory overload.

I must have that "alone time". It's not about them....it's about ME...as Aspie. Something critical IMO for NTs to grasp.

 

[neurotypical1]

Actually, neurotypicals need time ALONE to "recharge" also. In some situations I find isolation to be critical to restore energy, whereas other times I need to be with individuals who "get me" to talk things out together in order to relieve anxiety.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 36 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 178 of 200

 

[Waltsingmatilda]

Thanks Judge, I think as an NT I had him all wrong. I told him this the other day too. He took some time off to see his family and has come back with a new attitude and so have I. Thanks to your posts, I now know that my own insecurities (as a middle aged woman) made me think his desire for 'space' was because he was no longer interested. But after confronting him and discussing it further, I found his sentiments to be the same as yours. He loves me, does not want to leave or me to leave and its just he needs the time out. He finds this by going into his room for the quiet location. I cant thank you enough!!

 

[Judge]

Thanks Judge, I think as an NT I had him all wrong. I told him this the other day too. He took some time off to see his family and has come back with a new attitude and so have I. Thanks to your posts, I now know that my own insecurities (as a middle aged woman) made me think his desire for 'space' was because he was no longer interested. But after confronting him and discussing it further, I found his sentiments to be the same as yours. He loves me, does not want to leave or me to leave and its just he needs the time out. He finds this by going into his room for the quiet location. I cant thank you enough!!

Glad to have helped. I just wish I could have known about my own behavior sufficiently to have explained the same to my former girlfriends and have a response like yours. Hope things improve for both of you.

It does make me want to ask a question to Aspie guys though. Do we tend to be self-conscious about explaining this trait to NTs? Even ones closest to us? Is it one of those things where our macho ego side doesn't want it let be known to anyone? Just wondering. I'm just a lot more candid about things in my old age. Not sure how eager I would be to explain this to anyone had I known many years ago. Hmmm.

 

[Waltsingmatilda]

Hi again Judge, I feel all men can be self conscious and in my experience, an Aspie male comes across as shy. Most of the time I have no idea what on my hubby's mind as he keeps to himself. But, in saying that, if I ask directly and don't ' beat around the bush' he will give me a very honest answer. NTs are emotional and have different ways of assessing things. Unfortunately, it could be from a negative experience. In most NT-NT relationships, if the male seeks his own time elsewhere, then he is or has lost interest in the relationship. If you get another shot a love, tell her that it's part of you.

 

[Judge]

In most NT-NT relationships, if the male seeks his own time elsewhere, then he is or has lost interest in the relationship. If you get another shot a love, tell her that it's part of you.

Thanks for sharing this. This is critical stuff for me to hear directly from an NT. It reflects precisely why all my relationships with NTs failed. I needed that time elsewhere, but didn't have an explanation for why. I only knew my girlfriends seemed offended by it, even though I meant nothing personal from it.

I now understand myself on a level I never had before. At my age it probably won't help me, but it may help others who are self-aware of their autism at an earlier point in time. This is good!

 

[neurotypical1]

Hi again Judge, I feel all men can be self conscious and in my experience, an Aspie male comes across as shy. Most of the time I have no idea what on my hubby's mind as he keeps to himself. But, in saying that, if I ask directly and don't ' beat around the bush' he will give me a very honest answer. NTs are emotional and have different ways of assessing things. Unfortunately, it could be from a negative experience. In most NT-NT relationships, if the male seeks his own time elsewhere, then he is or has lost interest in the relationship. If you get another shot a love, tell her that it's part of you.

Very true. I am as NT as NT can get.... and when my partner ignores me long enough that I also begin to ignore him, it is a very serious sign that the relationship has already gone downhill.

 

[Rachel Roth]

Actually, neurotypicals need time ALONE to "recharge" also. In some situations I find isolation to be critical to restore energy, whereas other times I need to be with individuals who "get me" to talk things out together in order to relieve anxiety.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 36 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 178 of 200

The other day I was very stressed and weepy after a long (for me) day at a new job. My AS husband gave me some headphones and my phone for music. An hour later I put my headphones away (and my cellphone on charge ) and told him it was a good idea and asked him to remind me that it helped. I'm not strictly "neuro-typical" because I was born with hydrocephalus, but what was said here rings true to me.

Thanks Judge, I think as an NT I had him all wrong. I told him this the other day too. He took some time off to see his family and has come back with a new attitude and so have I. Thanks to your posts, I now know that my own insecurities (as a middle aged woman) made me think his desire for 'space' was because he was no longer interested. But after confronting him and discussing it further, I found his sentiments to be the same as yours. He loves me, does not want to leave or me to leave and its just he needs the time out. He finds this by going into his room for the quiet location. I cant thank you enough!!

That's great! As a 'NT' who has been married to an Aspie for five very successful years, I can relate. Communication is key to any relationship! When our relationship was new sometimes I would expect him to catch onto some of the more subtle nuances of me trying to embarrassedly communicate something I wanted, and I know now he could not have, no matter how he wanted to. We spent a lot of time trying to figure each other out and how to best communicate. Now I know to 'just tell' him without worrying about embarrassment as much (shame for wanting things is a personal problem of mine sometimes).

Another problem I've personally had is that if I get emotional and try to figure out what exactly I mean outloud, changing what I say as the discussion continues, it can cause a lot of confusion. I've learned to get around this by telling my husband "I'm not sure what I mean yet", so he doesn't get exasperated when I seem to change my story a billion times (not sure if that's an NT/Aspie thing or just a male/female thing!)

~Rachel