NT/Aspie Relationships

[twilightzone76]

For those who have been in an NT/Aspie relationship - what specific wants and needs were not met on either side? How did the both of you try to resolve it? What worked and what didn't?

 

[Suzanne]

My husband is the nt and it is very hard going, but for 23 years or so, we lived with the notion that we were both nts (well not even that, since neither of us had heard of aspergers or neurotypicals), but since finding out, it has been a heck of a stuggle, because my husband is of the notion that I will use being an aspie to get away with all kinds of antisocial ideas.

We now agree that we speak a different language and strangely enough, it is me who realises when in the middle of an argument that we are not getting it, due to the different languages, so to speak.

In one respect, it is good to have that "balance" because the nt can learn a lot from the aspie and visa verse. Whereas if we were both aspies, then we would not try hard to improve on things; we would just accept that is how things are.

I actually do not hear myself speaking loud, when either angry or aminated and so, my husband has to either move away or use his hand in a downwards motion and it brings it to my notice, which is strange, because if I think I am speaking in a normal voice, then how would I know to lower it? I have no idea; it just happens.

Because my husband doesn't take things literally, he explains to me when I have taken something literally, why it was not to be that way.

He is the one who explained that when people say things, it is for conversation purposes and so, I can work on understanding that.

He finds me exhausting to deal with, but says he doesn't want another woman in his life and so, obviously it is not all that bad and in fairness, I find him exhausting too.

 

[Judge]

I was not permitted solitude. When ever I briefly separated from my girlfriends they always took it personally...which would erode the relationship.

Of course at the time neither they or myself ever knew I was on the spectrum. Years ago before I ever understood autism or had even heard of Aspergers Syndrome. Without self-awareness all my relationships with NT women were doomed.

 

[kris]

I've dated both. Relationships with other aspies usually have a pretty intense connection. But I get frustrated bc they do all the same crap I do like needing a lot of alone time, etc. You'd think it would be perfect but unless there is overlap in the special interests area, it's just a recipe for falling apart (in my experience)

I prefer to date "open minded" NT men. Ones that don't care my social skills and clothes can be a little off, who are non judgemental and appreciate bone dry humor and don't want to take me to parties all the time. Hard to find that though.

 

[On the Inside]

I'llmmmm come back to this later.

For now, quickly: my partners failed to get someone who could meet their emotional connection/support needs, did not get someone who was driven to succeed in life, ie. earn money, reach socio-economic goals, they suffered being with someone who would go along with something, then reach a point where I had to bail, renegotiate or alter my involvement, they had to deal with my flakiness.

What I have missed out on: someone who has the patience to really get to know me, I missed getting someone who can accept me where I am at, not what I appear to be. I have been unable to get the unstructured alone time I need, not just to recharge, but to connect with my deeper self, the one I can trust to lead my decisions, ideas, actions and reactions.

None of these things have been reconciled in a sustainable, mutually beneficial way.

 

[twilightzone76]

I'llmmmm come back to this later.

For now, quickly: my partners failed to get someone who could meet their emotional connection/support needs, did not get someone who was driven to succeed in life, ie. earn money, reach socio-economic goals, they suffered being with someone who would go along with something, then reach a point where I had to bail, renegotiate or alter my involvement, they had to deal with my flakiness.

What I have missed out on: someone who has the patience to really get to know me, I missed getting someone who can accept me where I am at, not what I appear to be. I have been unable to get the unstructured alone time I need, not just to recharge, but to connect with my deeper self, the one I can trust to lead my decisions, ideas, actions and reactions.

None of these things have been reconciled in a sustainable, mutually beneficial way.

I would whole-heartedly agree - easy to identify what stands between you, almost impossible to resolve.

 

[Devany]

I'llmmmm come back to this later.

For now, quickly: my partners failed to get someone who could meet their emotional connection/support needs, did not get someone who was driven to succeed in life, ie. earn money, reach socio-economic goals, they suffered being with someone who would go along with something, then reach a point where I had to bail, renegotiate or alter my involvement, they had to deal with my flakiness.

What I have missed out on: someone who has the patience to really get to know me, I missed getting someone who can accept me where I am at, not what I appear to be. I have been unable to get the unstructured alone time I need, not just to recharge, but to connect with my deeper self, the one I can trust to lead my decisions, ideas, actions and reactions.

None of these things have been reconciled in a sustainable, mutually beneficial way.

Thank you for the post! I was curious, what would you consider to be unstructured alone time? Thanks !

 

[Bolletje]

I'm very happy with my NT partner. Living together usually works out pretty well, we work on opposing work schedules so I get plenty of alone time.
We usually hang out whenever we're both at home, but when I feel like winding down I can retreat in our bedroom and chill out by myself.

The only thing that's tricky for us sometimes is that I want to plan everything in advance and I'm always early for appointments, while he tends to do everything on the fly. And he likes unexpected visitors, which I really don't.
Other than that it's all peachy.

 

[On the Inside]

Thank you for the post! I was curious, what would you consider to be unstructured alone time? Thanks !

Unstructured alone time is time where I can do what I want, with no expectations of results, or that the time spent was worthwhile. I need to spend time following an interest, usually observing some phenomenon, or reverse engineering something, or walking around.

It doesn't work if I come back afterwards and have to defend my use of time, or be judged for having not spent the time wisely.

One problem I have with my partner is she expects me to return from my brief allotment of alone time feeling refreshed and ready to be "normal", as in not an Aspie, as if having ASD just means once in a while you need to be alone, then everything is fine. She also thinks that I should consider going for a run, or riding my bike to work as alone time. True, I'm doing something I enjoy by myself, but it is for a direct purpose, therefore my mind is occupied with a direct result.

 

[Alexej]

this is a rather difficult question, if you want, I can tell. write to pm

Hi and Welcome @Letor8
Do make yourself at home in here. We are a friendly group, and there is lots wisdom in older posts. Many issues have already been touched on at some point