Hi there! I'm afab but I've never been good at being a woman. I've always been the loudest, most dominant in the room if I'm with other females. I don't have the energy to wear tons of make or use skin care. As a child, I related more to movies like the little rascals and Scent of a Woman, rather than female-led movies with female desires. Other girls have bulled me intensely while growing up and most of the time they scare me. How do I become an actual woman? I'm tired of being a social outcast and want to be accepted. Also, I'm too fat and ugly to be a tomboy so don't come with that suggestion since tomboys can only really be thin and cute
That last sentence is where I'm going to start.
I raised my daughter as a tomboy.
and many other posts on this thread and on this forum (not picking on you Aspychata)
The problem is with the concept of trying to "be" something. You need to let that go if you want any chance of happiness.
It breaks my heart that rather than saying "you know what, we're just going to live, rather than worrying about what category we fit" society has invented MORE categories. And on social media, one of humanity's most soul crushing inventions, we bicker about definitions of gender, as we jostle in the social hierarchy deciding who's in which group. No-one is happier, it's just more fraught. Because the journey ends positively when one lets go of needing to identify based on external terms.
What is driving this pain is your search to fit a group. That's always problematic for young people, but ASDs really are vulnerable to this, because we often feel more comfortable in this sort of "known knowns" space. We tend to like rules, and certainty, and black/white. So things like "I fit a category of one person: me" can feel lonely and nebulous.
Perhaps Tomboys can't be fat, perhaps they can, perhaps some think they can and some think they can't. Whether or not you think that label is relevant or others do or don't doesn't change who you are. I get that it can provide a sense of peace because you have a group where you belong, but it's not real, it's not a group, it's just a label. I know the world puts a LOT of pressure on young people to "discover" themselves, and this sort of angst is the result. Stop, you don't need to actively discover yourself, or identify, or classify. Labelling leads to comparison, which as we all know is the thief of joy.