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Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by hatfullofrain, Dec 7, 2019.

  1. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Active Member

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    I'm not looking for advice. I'm looking for people to relate to.

    I met this man who seemed lovely. He asked me for my number and wanted to know all about me. He would text me a lot and we'd have great, weird conversations about things. We would meet up with friends and go out places.

    He seemed to really like me. Other people thought there was something there.

    But looking back. There wasn't. He didn't want to spend time with me at times. I'm not pushy or clingy, but I felt like he can't have been in love with me because he didn't long to spend time with me. Not like how my other friend is with his girlfriend. He just wants to be with her all the time. This guy didn't seem to want to be completely in my life.

    However, this man that I grew to love is an aspie... so I cut him some slack. I figured he needed his space. I need space myself at times. So if he said "no" to spending time with me, i didnt take it to heart. Because we would spend time together at a later date. It's not that he didn't like me he just had other things to do or wanted some alone time.

    But I don't know. Maybe he just wasn't into me.

    So, I could have let go, but... He told me he wanted to get to know me better as more than a friend. I was delighted of course.

    But then he changed his mind and decided that being friends was actually all he wanted.

    Fair enough.

    But I hurt. It's actually not possible for me to just be friends with him. I have a lot of strong feelings for him that just won't go away.

    I hate this. I still enjoy his company, but I feel sad all the time.

    This was the best relationship I ever had. This interest was the most I've ever had.

    It's really pathetic. This person who was never in love with me and who never will be was the most like love I've ever experienced and it wasn't love.

    I'm so confused about how I feel.

    I can't help but internalize it. This is it? That's all I get of love? I feel like there is something unlovable about me. I'm not enough. Im missing something, like I'm not a complete woman. There's not enough of something for me to ever be attractive enough for love and I don't know why. Not just to him, but all the men I've met in the past 20 years. I'm just lacking.

    I can't help feeling sad.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2019
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  2. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I am sorry about your situation, and how you feel. I was alone for 20 years, and felt sad too. I felt inadequate as well, but in some ways I felt I wanted more, needed more, and deserved more. I would take night walks by myself in the park and wonder why I was alone, when abusive people and less nicer others were in relationships. I admit though, in my case, I felt partially responsible, in that as a shy guy I was afraid to initiate, and afraid to be in places where suitable others might be available. There were times women seemed interested, but I backed away as I was not ready socially, emotionally and physically. I eventually dated and got married, after I found ways to feel better about myself and worry less, and after I put a positive spin to women with regards to who I was, who I wanted to be, and with regards to my dire situation then. I hope things will get better for you. You seem like a really nice person.
     
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  3. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I also know how this feels. Five failed relationships and now in my 60s. I have "nothing" as well. Though in my case for the most part I blame only myself for my failures in love. It just took me decades and finally discovering I was on the spectrum in my 50s to figure much of this out.

    It hurts...there's no denying it. With no second chances to redeem myself.
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2019
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  4. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Sorry, l am unable to relate because l have been the one to reject, and l have been rejected.

    But l hope you find your passion and feel better about yourself.
     
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  5. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    This is disappointing and upsetting, especially because you had some great times with him. However, this doesn't mean you are somehow doomed to rejection. On the contrary, you are clearly likeable and of interest to people, and right now you are understandably mourning this relationship, he sounds great and it's a shame it didn’t work out.

    I do think that having high autistic traits or Aspergers makes it harder to get into relationships, and when you feel better it will be good to find ways to improve the possibility of meeting people who you may find interesting, this can be tricky, and require a lot of effort and strategising. Try going on a counselling training, for example, it may not have many men on it, but it is an interesting way to improve your skills in a supportive structured setting. And/or, do some group therapy, or an interesting class that requires some social contact.
     
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  6. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Active Member

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    Thanks guys.

    You know what really bugs me. He still wants to be friends, but I can't cope with it.

    That really annoys me. I wish I could just turn off my stronger feelings and be ok with friendship, but I can't. I would love to just flick a switch and stop feeling anything more than friendship, but I can't.

    I still feel that warm fuzzy feeling any time his face lights up when we're talking. He has a lovely smile and looks at me in a very warm way. This is a good friend. If I need help, he'll be there.

    But I've got too many fuzzy stupid feelings.it sucks.

    It's not quite been a year yet since he decided we should just be friends. I've tried avoiding him. I've tried just hanging out as friends. I've tried thinking about all the little things he does that are annoying. I've tried being angry with him and pushing him away. I fill my life with other things, but whenever I see him again... still those feelings.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2019
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  7. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    That's a really sad story. But, in my experience, the best way to move on from a failed love is to start seeing other people. At first nothing may click, but eventually something will - or, with the passage of time, you may just stop thinking about him, and your other connections at least distract you in the meantime.
     
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  8. Dadwith2Autisticsons

    Dadwith2Autisticsons Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Also, I know you did not prefer advice, so I will keep this shorter. If that other person ever feels you are looking for someone else to be in a relationship with, perhaps he could get jealous and start to give you a real chance, knowing you could find someone else. Lots of typical guys (not me) prefer either harder to get women, those who are either already unavailable or showing disinterest in them, as they see this as a confident woman, and it is the thrill to “chase” and then “win.” For that atypical guy you are talking about, this may or may not be the case though, or as he just may not be ready for more than friendship, with any. Regardless, by letting him know you are, if ever applicable, looking elsewhere for love, this possibly may jumpstart that guy to wanting to see you as more than a friend. If not, at least you will have hopefully more emotionally moved on from him, if you actively are considering meeting more others, for that dating or relationship purpose. If you ever reach the point you want to find suitable such others, I could have specific detailed positive advice for that.
     
  9. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    In my past, if someone broke up with me and I still had feelings for them it took forever to go away and heal. And seeing them as friends just seemed to reopen the wound so to speak and restart the healing process all over again. So for me it was best to stay away from them completely. Not the most desirable course, but the one I needed to follow.
     
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  10. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Active Member

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    I don't think someone can go off you to then return to starting to feel attracted to you again. It's over whether I start seeing someone else or not.

    And what if jealousy motivates him to make a move again? The same thing will just happen again. He wins me again and then he thinks it through again and realised he was just being irrationally jealous and goes back to not feeling anything for me again? I'm just gonna get hurt all over again.
     
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  11. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Active Member

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    Yes, I think this is the best way for me to cope. I just keep getting hurt over and over.
     
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  12. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Think being friends is healthy, hope u reconsider.
     
  13. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    Sometimes it's possible to be friends when both parties have 100% moved on. But if every encounter just tears open old wounds, then not so much.
     
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  14. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Active Member

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    I dont think you understand my pain.

    I think I can only be friends if I find someone else.
     
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  15. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I've been there. She dumped me and later genuinely attempted to be friends.

    I simply couldn't handle it, no matter how much her intentions were honorable about it all. I inevitably crossed lines with her, and she subsequently ghosted me and never looked back.

    Though some 30 years later and I still think about her. - Sad.
     
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  16. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    You should try OurTime.com if you haven't already.
    Nothing to lose, and you're wiser now.

    Plus, you can ask us about some situations on here and we can try to help you along the way.
     
  17. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

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    I’ve tried being friends with exes, but it generally didn’t work because at least one of the parties still had some feelings beyond friendship.
     
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  18. righan

    righan Active Member

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    Unrequited love is a difficult thing. I was in love with someone when I was 19 that couldn't love me back ... I don't think she knew how to love anyone. It took me a few years before I could let it go. Even dating other people didn't make it go away. Then one day ... it stopped. I don't know why. I was never able to be her friend. It was always too painful.

    I have managed to become 'just friends' with other people I've dated, but it took a while first. Some of them I've never been able to be just friends with. A lot of what made me comfortable with them is me growing and changing and becoming a person who would no longer have interest in them anyway.

    I also felt for a long time I was unlovable ... and then when I was in my early 20s ... I read a book about a man in his 40s who had thought he was undeserving and unlovable ... but over the course of the book he found love ... true love ... when I got to that point in the book something in me broke ... a dam of emotion ... and I cried for hours. However, when it was over I was different. It had changed something in me. I don't know why that is.

    A few weeks later, an X looked me up ... someone who had broken my heart in highschool ... we started dating and eventually got married. We've been together for almost 20 years. One part was that we had to be the right people for each other ... but that wasn't enough. The other part was we had to be ready to love and be loved before it could work between us.

    I don't know what your future is. I don't know if this guy is right for you or not. I do know you can't force yourself to get over him and you can't force him to be the person you want. You just have to ride it out and let yourself get where your going to get.

    Remember, though, that the one constant is change. You are changing and nothing stops that. How you feel right now is just right now. Eventually it will be different. Its like a long journey ... no matter how much the journey sucks, the only way to get to your destination is to keep moving forward ... but as you keep moving forward, eventually you'll get to where you want to go.
     
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  19. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like there may no longer be interest there. That's to bad but move on, I'm sure there's someone out there who will be interested in you.
     
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  20. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Active Member

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    I dunno. There never has been. This is the first man that I've fancied who has ever asked me out.

    I don't know if it will ever happen again. It was really special to me. No one has ever taken things that far with me before.

    And now it's over :(
     
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