Not replying to texts/ emails - is this an aspie thing?

[Mr Allen]

I don't always answer the mobile I'll admit that, if it goes to voicemail and they leave a message, it's obviously important so I'll listen to the message and ring them straight back unless it's the weekend or after normal working hours.

 

[xudo]

I don't always answer the mobile I'll admit that, if it goes to voicemail and they leave a message, it's obviously important so I'll listen to the message and ring them straight back unless it's the weekend or after normal working hours.

Oh I won't usually answer phone calls, because I don't like to speak on the phone. As you said, if someone leaves a voicemail and I need to, I call them back. Otherwise, people know to text me.

 

[Ocarina]

Almost all our communication - except when it's face to face is by text since he finds phone calls difficult. So the lack of reply comes after I send a message saying whatever - shall we meet here at 6pm? Then almost inevitably there's no reply often for days, until just before the event when he gets back to me and says yes (usually) by which time I have organised something else.

Yes I could ask again and again, but to be honest that seems like nagging so I don't want to.

It's a simple logistical issue that was one of the main reasons our relationship didn't work - since I had no idea how to make any kind of plan for the future until just before the event. It could be because of my ASD that I found this challenging but I think that actually almost everyone would find it difficult to live like this. I have a full life and I cannot put it on hold for someone else time and time again without becoming resentful.

 

[Ocarina]

I don't always answer the mobile I'll admit that, if it goes to voicemail and they leave a message, it's obviously important so I'll listen to the message and ring them straight back unless it's the weekend or after normal working hours.

Me too.

 

[Ocarina]

Never to take up for what seems to be him avoiding things...

But I have to admit I have my days when people are texting and the phone is ringing, and I just literally only check what goes to voicemail. I just have my days (kind of often) that I just don't want to communicate with anyone, not even myself. Its hard to explain and I know its not really what people expect of us. However, its just too much. I wish we were back in the old days where all this stuff isn't going off all the time. Since setting here just for a minute, my phone has rang twice, and I now have 3 unanswered texts. I just don't like it... I basically hate it mostly.

Its not the people, its the ease of just wasting my life on unless chatter with all this stuff around. I know someone may say get rid of it, but I cant because of my job... Or I truly would.

I utterly agree - if I could my mobile and possibly my computers too would be turned off the majority of the time. I very much wish that my work and life were not reliant on this kind of incessant often inane communication.

That having been said - if a friend or a partner was getting in touch asking an easily answered question in order to organise a meeting I would consider it respectful to reply. Texting two words can't be beyond anyone can it? I am not demanding a phonecall, just a simple yes or no would work.

 

[Blast off]

I pretty much only respond to emails from work, nixed my home phone and other forms of direct communication, because I found the phone to be always ringing and it got to be very overwhelming, fast.. I have HFA not sure if it's a symptom or not, I just shy from communication, especially on the phone and even in person.

 

[Judge]

Personally I sooooooooooo prefer email to the phone. A form of communication that doesn't rely on real-time exchanges. Not to mention it's far less prone to random criminal scams and spam.

For me these days the telephone is almost useless. A means primarily for me to conduct one-way phone calls when I must. When my phone rings, there's about a 98% chance someone wants to rob me in some way.

So yeah, I prefer email. Unfortunately the people I try to maintain contact with seem ambivalent about email...even the few NT family members I have left.

 

[Ocarina]

I pretty much only respond to emails from work, nixed my home phone and other forms of direct communication, because I found the phone to be always ringing and it got to be very overwhelming, fast.. I have HFA not sure if it's a symptom or not, I just shy from communication, especially on the phone and even in person.

I get that - I have to have my phone on alot of the time for work but I can't bear it - this morning within half an hour there were 3 messages and 5 missed calls. The annoying thing is that even if I ignore them, they need sorting out at some point and play on my mind. Emails are easier - there's a kind of beginning and end to them. I rid myself of a smartphone since having emails to look at all day was just so distracting.

 

[Ocarina]

Personally I sooooooooooo prefer email to the phone. A form of communication that doesn't rely on real-time exchanges. Not to mention it's far less prone to random criminal scams and spam.

For me these days the telephone is almost useless. A means primarily for me to conduct one-way phone calls when I must. When my phone rings, there's about a 98% chance someone wants to rob me in some way.

So yeah, I prefer email. Unfortunately the people I try to maintain contact with seem ambivalent about email...even the few NT family members I have left.

Do you like face to face socialising/ contact Judge?
Ex Aspie is absolutely hopeless on the phone - pathologically hopeless - I have to say I did used to phone him sometimes re arrangements since it was the easiest way to get a straight answer.

We met up last night - walked for a couple of hours - it was nice. I think he wanted to say something but maybe I didn't give him the chance - we had lots to talk about and I'm not great at those uncomfortable intimacies. That having been said I need to ask him what he wants from these meetings, at the moment there's a big elephant in the room and both of us are skirting around it.

 

[Judge]

Do you like face to face socialising/ contact Judge?

Only if I have a predetermined comfort level with the person I'm talking to.

 

[Ocarina]

Only if I have a predetermined comfort level with the person I'm talking to.

What happens with people you've never met - can you connect on first meeting and the comfort level is instant? Some people I never get a connection with and find myself semi mute - whilst others (the odd one or two) become instant friends.

I have one or two friends with whom it's like being by myself - that's really wonderful. Fairly gregarious for an aspie infact very often socialising is actually easier for me, providing I'm interested in the other person because I don't seem to have an agenda. Just a naive kind of curiosity.

 

[Judge]

What happens with people you've never met - can you connect on first meeting and the comfort level is instant?

There's no such thing as an "instant" comfort level with people in my world.

 

[Thursday]

Waiting by the phone makes me anxious. It doesn't matter if I'm expecting a text or not, it's just not something I enjoy as I feel it may interrupt me when I'm doing my best to focus on something.

Maybe there's just no motivation to check sometimes because I don't get genuine pleasure from reading texts or IMs.

I do feel happy checking here on AC though...and I feel there's no pressure to immediately reply, which makes me want to. That might sound strange to some, but I imagine it's akin to cats and babies. They prefer the quiet, non-interested ones.

 

[JDartistic]

JDartistic - thank you so much for your thoughtful post - it makes crystal clear sense and I feel a real sense of sadness for your struggles - and can also see my ex's difficulties in yours.
He is a good guy - and you're right the ADD is the most difficult part for me.
I didn't feel loved in our relationship - spoken word of love didn't come naturally to him which I suspect is alexithymia related to the ASD. BUT on top of that, he often was so zoned out that it was as though I wasn't there - and for me, loving someone is reflected or expressed by the ability to be present for them. Fast forward to when I (usually fairly stable, calm and resilient) was having a minor crisis and he was unable to be present for me when I needed him. That was the final straw and I know now that it wasn't on purpose or his fault, but it was a relationship killer in many ways.

You're right re the drinking I am sure - he used to smoke marijuana too but stopped when we got together.

How do you cope with life now JD? The ex discovered meditation which he thinks has really helped - and does alot of exercise - and I use both of these to find pleasure in the sometimes sad world of ASD. Difficult to find strategies that are helpful but not harmful at the same time.

It's clear you had to move on, and I'm also happy that your ex is also doing better. ADD/ASD is a tough combo. I personally do my best - I don't like to meditate, but I've found reading and artwork focuses my mind, and although I'm single these days, I'm hopeful, too, that eventually I'll find the right partner. Bottom line is that we are all learning from our experiences...and I like to think that we are getting better in the process.

thanks for responding. I can tell you're a caring person!

 

[Butterfly88]

I do this. Sometimes I put off answering because the thought of answering stresses me out. I'll usually go back and answer later but sometimes I'll forget.

 

[Ocarina]

It's clear you had to move on, and I'm also happy that your ex is also doing better. ADD/ASD is a tough combo. I personally do my best - I don't like to meditate, but I've found reading and artwork focuses my mind, and although I'm single these days, I'm hopeful, too, that eventually I'll find the right partner. Bottom line is that we are all learning from our experiences...and I like to think that we are getting better in the process.

thanks for responding. I can tell you're a caring person!

Hopeful for you too JDartistic - I'm single now and like you, hopeful that somewhere down the line, someone will appear with whom a relationship doesn't require me to to change the person I am.

Sad still that it wasn't the ex - and so is he. He had a long conversation with a close mutual friend re wanting the relationship to work - but at the moment I simply can't see how things will be different. After two failed attempts with me and a whole lifetime of drama filled relationships in the past, it would take a sea change to really make lasting change. I've considered counselling - not sure if it would be useful or if we are really just plain old incompatible.

 

[Dorkasour]

I actually spoke with my therapist about this today because sometimes people just stop replying to me in chats, don't reply to my texts, or don't reply to e-mails. It's a huge pet peeve of mine. I also hate it when people are late to hang outs and- well...ok I get annoyed at a lot of things.

Overall what my therapist explained to me is that everyone is different and respond to other people differently. If your friend consistently ignores you and it hurts you then it might be healthiest that you let him know. He is not respecting you wants.

Edit: Also this is really hypocritical of me (OOOF!) but replying to people sometimes really stresses me out so I have to wait a few hours or a day. Again, I guess everyone is different xD

Edit Edit: Oh my gosh this post is 6 months old! Sorry!

 

[Progster]

It really bugs me when people don't reply to emails, when it's obvious that a reply is expected. Sometimes my clients don't respond when I ask them to confirm the time of a lesson, and then they say something like "Sorry, I was busy". So they are telling me that they were so busy that they couldn't give one minute of their time to write a short reply to the email. That's BS. What happened is that they forgot, but don't want to admit it. I wish people could be honest and just admit that they forgot.

It also bugs me because I'm reliant on their replies to organise my day or week - it may not be important to them, but it is to me, and I find it very inconsiderate not to reply. But people just think of themselves most of the time.

 

[Jane Smith]

The same thing happened to me with my Aspie friend. He wouldn't schedule a hangout. I had to keep reminding him. I think it was because of his rigid scheduling.

He was fine once we hung out more ritually. We hang out every 2 weeks now at his work (It has to be work. He gets weird if it's not there for some reason).

 

[Mr Allen]

No.

My Taekwondo instructor is NT and he never responds to any emails I send him, I sent him a message 2 weeks ago to tell him that due to illness I wouldn't be training till further notice so I'd probably have to miss the grading in March as I won't have trained enough as I've only been about 4 times this year, 2 Sundays and 2 Mondays.

Also, the Service Manager of my care company is a nightmare, I send her emails and leave voicemail messages every week because stuff comes up that I need to change the schedule or cancel calls due to illness, and she just doesn't respond at all, the woman has NO communication skills! I wouldn't mind but I'm the Aspie, I'm the one that's supposed to have a communication disorder, but at least if someone sends me an important email that needs replying to, I actually do respond to it.