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Featured Not exactly sure what to do... my partner wants a separate bedroom

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by SimplyWandering, May 13, 2020.

  1. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I don't understand this or not getting the full picture perhaps, why is this a problem for you?

    My partner and I sleep in different rooms, and always have done, except when we travel. We both have a different lifestyle and needs - he likes to watch TV in bed, whereas I cannot sleep if there is any noise or light in the room at all, and need to have the black-out curtains. He naps or 'siestas' during the day, I don't because I am working during siesta time. He then stays up to much later than I normally do. It's not a problem and having different rooms or areas doesn't mean that one can't have a good relationship. It's an adaptation for two people who are living together in a relationship, but who have different needs and different lifestyles.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2020
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  2. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    Exactly :)

    And in this instance, someone wants to sleep alone and the other party doesn't. So, if the relationship is going to move forward there must be a compromise. And compromise cannot be reached without communication.

    Sleeping alone in a separate bed/separate rooms does not mean the end of a relationship. It just means there may be differences in sleeping patterns/disturbance/opposing schedules etc.

    I have been in a relationship with my husband for over 30 years. Generally, we sleep in the same bed; however, there are times when I need to sleep on my own. My husband now understands this need and he will sleep in the spare bedroom (not a guest bedroom as I hate having guests). For years, he didn't understand this 'need' nor was I able to articulate it either. But we finally worked things out and compromise was reached.

    Just because you are in a relationship with someone, living with them, doesn't mean you have to sleep together. It's about finding the middle ground, what works for both parties.

    My ideal sometimes would be that my husband lived next door :D:D:D Unfortunately our finances won't stretch to that.
     
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  3. Jumpback

    Jumpback Active Member

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    I thought I was the only one who didn’t like sharing a bed with someone else. It did bother my ex-gf, she said it made her feel like she had a roommate and not a boyfriend.

    Since other people here are saying the same thing, maybe it’s an Aspergers/HFA trait
     
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  4. SimplyWandering

    SimplyWandering Well-Known Member

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    That's the interesting part of autism, we are all different, and it doesn't work for me. I told him when we moved in together, that he would have to understand we are living together, not separately.


    I guess maybe I have an issue comparing myself to other people, but we aren't kids anymore and we have a strange enough relationship, i give him his space whenever he wants it...

    And to answer the question, yes, it is possible he may be on the Spectrum.

    Also we moved in with each other after 2 years, in February we knew the adjustment would be difficult. We both want space at times and its more difficult now with the lockdown that we might bump heads. Neither of us are going go work right now. The key point i have about the bedroom is that this is 2 br apartment with a living room and the 2nd br was meant to be a guest room. The other issue is he doesn't just use the other bedroom for sleeping, he locks himself in that room for hours at a time instead of doing things he needs to do. I often have to push him to get things done.
     
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  5. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    Yes, we are all different. For me it works out, as we are both people who need our own space and happy in our own company - we don't need to be together all the time we are both at home - we do our own stuff separately mainly, and sometimes do things together.

    Where there is a conflict due to wanting different things or having different needs, I think the best way round it is discussion: to be open and direct about the issue and reach a compromise with both sides meeting half way. It's the only thing that's going to work without one side or the other bearing resentment towards the other. If you can't reach an agreement or compromise, then perhaps you just aren't compatible - that's a different story.
     
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  6. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Okay. That sounds like a issue that he really needs to be alone. It maybe nothing bad is going on. Just that he can't make the transition to living with someone. Or you have competition that you don't know about. I hope it works out. Relationships are a work that keeps progressing. Some turn into masterpieces, others are Picasso like and slip right to the floor like a melted clock.

    Since the place itself is a source of stress, l would go some place neutral and sit down and discuss it. Like coffee shop, hilltop, beach, and just chill and feel each other out. Bring a couple of waters, like a outing, then nicely talk about it.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2020
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  7. Jumpback

    Jumpback Active Member

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    You aren’t the one who is unusual in this, we went camping with a camping club and so on when I was a kid and even young couples and the significant number of retired couples always slept together in small camper beds, every time, even when there were always other places to sleep, since so few campers just have one place to sleep (sometimes the kitchen table becomes a bed and usually the sofa thing becomes a bed and so on).

    Again, I thought I was the only one who hated sharing a bed with someone else.

    You might have just stumbled upon something where you are more typical, but your significant other can be a bit like some people on here.

    Your reasoning about having a guest room (which could also maybe even be use as a computer room or something) instead of using both rooms for sleeping makes perfect sense, but it might be you are asking the wrong people to get where you are coming from.

    Like I just feel constrained, restrained and uncomfortable sharing a bed, or maybe even a room with someone else. It makes perfect sense to me, but it seems very odd to most other people. I mean, like how does your significant other explain exactly his desire for another room?
     
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  8. Jumpback

    Jumpback Active Member

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    H
    Have you guys taken a Myers Briggs test (MBTI) together online, and not just a normal MBTI test, but one which shows how far you test into things?

    Like, to me, a lot of things are about the last thing, either judging and perceiving, where judgers like to make decisions and stick with them and perceivers hate making decisions, which can result in not following through. Like most extreme OCD neat freaks are probably going to test as judgers and most hoarders are probably going to test as perceivers

    In my case, I identify very, very highly with part of the INTP explanation of "the world exists primarily to be understood" I almost do not even notice that things are a mess and the trash hasn't been taken out and the laundry isn't done.

    But I don't mind so much being told what my tasks and responsibilities are if there is understanding of where both sides are coming from, especially if somebody else tells me, completely without malice, what I am supposed to be doing.

    Like if somebody tells me, "your job is to take the trash out, do the laundry on Wednesdays and clean off all the dirty dishes and put the in the dishwasher at 9pm every day" I actually appreciate this

    Like I feel like this constantly creates misunderstandings. Like I am not even noticing that things have gotten out of hand, then someone is yelling at me. Like, it's legitimately an issue and is it isn't a one sided issue from either side, like one side might just not have noticed at all about messiness and then the other side is furious for the first side not doing their part. Like if you are a judger and your significant other is a perceiver, like tell him what his daily tasks are without malicious intent, and then if they don't follow through on agreed upon things, this is the fault of the other party
     
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  9. Els

    Els Member

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    I don't know if this might help, but I could say/propose the same thing than your partner if that solution was making the situation easier for me and the other one and could solve our arguments. That wouldn't mean I don't love the person or something. It could just be more practical in my head and I could be proposing that with 100% honesty about my reasons (keeping things peaceful + my balance).
    I don't see why I'd have to share a room with my partner "because that's what people have to do" while it's actually being an issue. Solving the issue and keeping peace with the other would be my first reflex. I don't know for other people. I also know couples who live in different appartments and that helps them keep their balance and be happier together.
    It's your choice.

    By the way, I'd just add that human couples have a very long tradition of not sharing the same bedroom everyday. It's not something unusual through history.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2020
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  10. WoodWorkingJoel

    WoodWorkingJoel Active Member

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    For what its worth I know a couple who have slept in separate bedrooms for over 20 years and are very much in love. They just had very different sleep habits and were happier sleeping apart.
     
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  11. AnnieCat

    AnnieCat New Member

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    My husband and I have separate bedrooms and also have an AMAZING marriage. Our sleep schedule doesn't overlap well, so co-sleeping would be disruptive, and I am grumpy AF if I don't get enough sleep.

    We visit each other for romantic time whenever we want, and when I want physical affection I tell him so and we cuddle. He is very good at following orders.

    I had lots of sadness and trepidation about separate rooms at first too (we split off because he was having trouble sleeping prone, due to back issues) but I think my issues had to do with some made up idea that 'married people sleep together' because 'that's how its done'. Or that it implied our marriage was unhappy if we didn't sleep together, but after trying it I was soothed that that just wasn't the case. Once I got used to it it was great and I didn't want to go back.
     
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  12. SimplyWandering

    SimplyWandering Well-Known Member

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    Hey there, I really appreciate everyone posting, even if I didn't directly respond to your comment (for some reason i do that:confused:)

    The posts have made it easier for me to see both sides of the problem/story.


    I accepted that it would be best to have different areas to roam.... even though it sometimes feels like i am allowing him to do it :/.

    He setup his sleeping area in the guest bedroom and we sleep separately now, which is nice, but sometimes strange when you wake up and your significant other is not there. I like my alone time and i go bother him if i need something.
     
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  13. Rayner

    Rayner Well-Known Member

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    Bothering me is sort of exactly what my GF when she needs something. You're not the only one



     
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  14. Jumpback

    Jumpback Active Member

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    Sounds like a good solution. But seriously, in the greater scope of things, you are not the one being unusual with your expectations, what you were expecting about sharing a bed is what most people just do, and a lot of people would have found his desire to be extremely unusual if not just unacceptable. But, for whatever reason, you seem to have stumbled upon an issue where you are the normal one talking to people who might identify more with his desires
     
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