Not exactly sure what to do... my partner wants a separate bedroom

[SimplyWandering]

Not exactly sure what to do... my partner of 2 1/2 years (it is has been up and down the whole time) and I have different schedules normally (he sleeps late, wants to wake up whenever he wants)

He often falls asleep on the couch in the living room, which upsets me.

He wants a separate bedroom to sleep in and escape to for alone time, which he wants a lot of. He said he would come visit me.

I told him that i would not accept that as solution, while we do have a 2nd bedroom it is meant as a guest bed.

I suggested we could have 2 beds in our room, but what he wanted was out of the question. It got heated.

I think their is some rigidity that we both have.

He is currently taking a walk To calm down.

i did tell him that if that is what he wanted we should just stop being with each other. Maybe that was too harsh, but it is upsetting to me.

 

[Aspychata]

Think this is an excellent time to sit down and talk to each other. Find out what you each need to happen to get to the next step.

 

[Magna]

Is he autistic as well? I agree that communicating on this subject after you both have a chance to calm down is important for something like this. Are you both able to communicate well with each other face to face? I'm not. My wife and I will often put our thoughts, concerns, etc down in written form to communicate with each other rather than try to compose thought and speak in real time. She can do that; I can't.

 

[AngelaS267]

You guys are going to have to communicate a solution that both of you will walk away happy. Neither of you should have to compromise what they really want for the other person. If he got to sleep in a separate room, you would be very upset. If he can't have space, he is going to be very upset. There is room for resentment if only one person's needs are met. So you guys are going to need to find a middle ground thats going to make you BOTH happy. I don't know what he said in the argument so I can't speak for him. But if you feel bad about the thing you said out of anger, you should maybe apologize and then explain where those emotions are coming from. Let him express why he needs space and what he's feeling. Communication I guess is the solution. If you guys can't come to a conclusion, then you maybe do need to consider if long term the relationship will work if someone is going to be hurt over this. I hope you guys can work it out. Relationships can be unique and difficult at times.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe you could share a bedroom every other month. Something for you, something for him. Compromise is really important. Getting to the level that you both feel your needs are being met. There maybe a solution but first you need to write or talk it out. Maybe sleep separately isn't so bad. Can you understand their point of view too?

 

[Jumpback]

Not exactly sure what to do... my partner of 2 1/2 years (it is has been up and down the whole time) and I have different schedules normally (he sleeps late, wants to wake up whenever he wants)

He often falls asleep on the couch in the living room, which upsets me.

He wants a separate bedroom to sleep in and escape to for alone time, which he wants a lot of. He said he would come visit me.

I told him that i would not accept that as solution, while we do have a 2nd bedroom it is meant as a guest bed.

I suggested we could have 2 beds in our room, but what he wanted was out of the question. It got heated.

I think their is some rigidity that we both have.

He is currently taking a walk To calm down.

i did tell him that if that is what he wanted we should just stop being with each other. Maybe that was too harsh, but it is upsetting to me.

I slept on the couch when I was with my ex-girlfriend. I just felt less constrained there. Our bed was I think a twin or a queen and I move around a lot and I actually wacked her in the face once moving around. Especially if his like me, there might not be a secret something going on.

But I am on your side when it comes to the two beds in one room thing. My complaint was feeling sort of uncomfortable sleeping in a bed with someone else, not needing a separate room.

 

[SusanLR]

I want the whole bed for sleeping too.
Someone else in the bed is confining and you move around and wake each other up, etc.
And I do want my own room and bath.
But, this is something that would be brought to light before sharing living quarters.

I wonder why this has just been requested after 2 1/2 yrs?

Never understood the desire to not have your own bed and room.
But, there is a lot of human nature I'll never understand.

 

[Thinx]

You noted there have been ongoing difficulties, and also that you said just not being with each other may be a solution. However, maybe that just bubbled up because you both find such discussion difficult.

It may be worth introducing rules for a healthy argument / discussion, as you are probably at the stage of your relationship where if it's going to deepen, you need to be able to tackle stuff where you see things differently. That's the next stage of a relationship, after the first couple of years, and sounds like you're ready for it, don't lose your nerve!

Rules like, Listen til the end of what each other says, don't interrupt. Then the same applies when you respond, the rule is No interruptions. Some people might have a time limit, too, whatever suits you, so like, each person can speak for up to two minutes, or one minute. Some people might try, each person gets 5 minutes with no interruptions, then you both have a thinking time whatever length say come back in 10 minutes or in an hour, or whatever suits best. I have a slow processing time, so this can be really helpful, but for some it's useful so discussions don't get too emotive.

You can have an I statements rule, that is, each person says for example, I would prefer blah blah, I sometimes find it difficult when you blah blah, I get emotional and then it's hard for me to listen properly, what would help me is if you could try blah blah, etc. Requests and not demands. No ultimatums. Respectful language. Time outs if you need them, and agree about what length these should usually be, or variable as suits you.

Acknowledging the other persons point at the start of what you say can be a good general rule, like, I heard you say that you find it hard to sleep sometimes, and you said you also like to have a private space that you can spend some time in each day. Then the other person knows you have heard, and feels validated. Then after acknowledging, you can use I statements, like, I like us to be in the same room because I love to be close to you, it makes me feel happy and loved. I also like some private time, to follow my interests. Or whatever applies. It may take time to talk things through, don't rush yourselves.

 

[onlything]

I can kind of understand them, since I never like to sleep in the same room with other people. Alone time, especially at night, is very important to me, so separate bedrooms are a necessity.

At times, it is even recommended for couples to have separate bedrooms, for example if one is snoring badly or if their night schedules are very different.

Maybe a calm discussion on why they would like a separate bedroom, as well as a bit of open-mindedness on both sides, could help solve the issue. Possible you could try the separate bedroom option for a day or two and proceed from there to set up a schedule? It's important to reach a compromise in this kind of an important issue.

 

[Magna]

You noted there have been ongoing difficulties, and also that you said just not being with each other may be a solution. However, maybe that just bubbled up because you both find such discussion difficult.

It may be worth introducing rules for a healthy argument / discussion, as you are probably at the stage of your relationship where if it's going to deepen, you need to be able to tackle stuff where you see things differently. That's the next stage of a relationship, after the first couple of years, and sounds like you're ready for it, don't lose your nerve!

Rules like, Listen til the end of what each other says, don't interrupt. Then the same applies when you respond, the rule is No interruptions. Some people might have a time limit, too, whatever suits you, so like, each person can speak for up to two minutes, or one minute. Some people might try, each person gets 5 minutes with no interruptions, then you both have a thinking time whatever length say come back in 10 minutes or in an hour, or whatever suits best. I have a slow processing time, so this can be really helpful, but for some it's useful so discussions don't get too emotive.

You can have an I statements rule, that is, each person says for example, I would prefer blah blah, I sometimes find it difficult when you blah blah, I get emotional and then it's hard for me to listen properly, what would help me is if you could try blah blah, etc. Requests and not demands. No ultimatums. Respectful language. Time outs if you need them, and agree about what length these should usually be, or variable as suits you.

Acknowledging the other persons point at the start of what you say can be a good general rule, like, I heard you say that you find it hard to sleep sometimes, and you said you also like to have a private space that you can spend some time in each day. Then the other person knows you have heard, and feels validated. Then after acknowledging, you can use I statements, like, I like us to be in the same room because I love to be close to you, it makes me feel happy and loved. I also like some private time, to follow my interests. Or whatever applies. It may take time to talk things through, don't rush yourselves.

This is very good advice. It's important to acknowledge that not everyone communicates in the same way. It seems that often many neurotypicals expect their partners to "keep pace" with them in verbal real-time communication and if not, then their partner is flawed to the point of being a deal breaker.

You've pointed out that a couple can and should determine what works best for them in communicating together in a respectful way.

As an example, I communicate far better in written form than verbally. My wife and I have actually communicated via written chat back and forth while being in separate rooms on subjects related to our relationship and it's worked for us which is the most important thing rather than trying to communicate according to some norm.

 

[Pats]

I do know married couples that have separate bedrooms and it works for them.

 

[Giraffes]

My partner have seperate bedrooms, i'm obsessive tidy him not, and it kindof worked we both have aspergers so seeing each others view point was always tricky, both of you need to find solutions that make you both happy, i bought "Troubleshotting Relationships' on the Autistic Spectrum' the approach is logical non emotive strategies to problems, unfortunately my partner was unwilling to 'work' at issues we both had so we are in the process of splitting up but it had great approaches and ideas, hope all works out for you.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

How about instead of separate bedrooms, a den like men had in the old days?

 

[Matthias]

Not exactly sure what to do... my partner of 2 1/2 years (it is has been up and down the whole time) and I have different schedules normally (he sleeps late, wants to wake up whenever he wants)

He often falls asleep on the couch in the living room, which upsets me.

He wants a separate bedroom to sleep in and escape to for alone time, which he wants a lot of. He said he would come visit me.

I told him that i would not accept that as solution, while we do have a 2nd bedroom it is meant as a guest bed.

I suggested we could have 2 beds in our room, but what he wanted was out of the question. It got heated.

I think their is some rigidity that we both have.

He is currently taking a walk To calm down.

i did tell him that if that is what he wanted we should just stop being with each other. Maybe that was too harsh, but it is upsetting to me.

If he can't sleep due to your different schedules that will definitely make things worse. I'd calmly ask him what is the specific problem before assuming anything and try to work out a way to overcome it.

 

[Rasputin]

Not exactly sure what to do... my partner of 2 1/2 years (it is has been up and down the whole time) and I have different schedules normally (he sleeps late, wants to wake up whenever he wants)

He often falls asleep on the couch in the living room, which upsets me.

He wants a separate bedroom to sleep in and escape to for alone time, which he wants a lot of. He said he would come visit me.

I told him that i would not accept that as solution, while we do have a 2nd bedroom it is meant as a guest bed.

I suggested we could have 2 beds in our room, but what he wanted was out of the question. It got heated.

I think their is some rigidity that we both have.

He is currently taking a walk To calm down.

i did tell him that if that is what he wanted we should just stop being with each other. Maybe that was too harsh, but it is upsetting to me.

It seems to me you made your decision. Sometimes it is helpful in dealing with anxiety to sleep separately due to sensory input overload, which may be affecting him. It may not have anything to do with you, and it might be temporary until he finds a solution to cope with anxiety.

 

[Aspychata]

Exactly- sensory overload can just be the texture of sheets, the heat coming off a body, breathing, snoring, everything can bother you. We are extremely sensitive.

 

[Rasputin]

Exactly- sensory overload can just be the texture of sheets, the heat coming off a body, breathing, snoring, everything can bother you. We are extremely sensitive.

In fact, a sleep doctor recommended that I sleep by myself in a separate room for this reason. I was able to resolve my issues by dealing a sleep mask to block out light, by running a ceiling fan to drown out sounds, and by buying a plush weighted blanket.

 

[Jumpback]

I want the whole bed for sleeping too.
Someone else in the bed is confining and you move around and wake each other up, etc.
And I do want my own room and bath.
But, this is something that would be brought to light before sharing living quarters.

I wonder why this has just been requested after 2 1/2 yrs?

Never understood the desire to not have your own bed and room.
But, there is a lot of human nature I'll never understand.

It is a bit odd, like what kid wouldn’t want their own room? But kids grow up and get cars and buy houses and can do whatever they want to do, then share a bed and a room with someone else

 

[Rayner]

Why are you opposed to separate bedrooms?

Not exactly sure what to do... my partner of 2 1/2 years (it is has been up and down the whole time) and I have different schedules normally (he sleeps late, wants to wake up whenever he wants)

He often falls asleep on the couch in the living room, which upsets me.

He wants a separate bedroom to sleep in and escape to for alone time, which he wants a lot of. He said he would come visit me.

I told him that i would not accept that as solution, while we do have a 2nd bedroom it is meant as a guest bed.

I suggested we could have 2 beds in our room, but what he wanted was out of the question. It got heated.

I think their is some rigidity that we both have.

He is currently taking a walk To calm down.

i did tell him that if that is what he wanted we should just stop being with each other. Maybe that was too harsh, but it is upsetting to me.

 

[SusanLR]

But kids grow up and get cars and buy houses and can do whatever they want to do, then share a bed and a room with someone else

Not all of us do.
I never owned a car or house, yet I had each. Just not in my name.
Again, it may be just me, but, I don't understand wanting to share a bed.
People have their own personal preferences I guess.