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[JOP]

Hi,

I'm the parent of a 25 year old son that has never been officially diagnosed as high functioning ASD but who shows all the signs of having it. I've know he was quiet, misunderstood social cues and got overwhelmed by things since he was a baby, but no Dr. or teachers called it out because he always did really well in school.

Once he hit college the social stress got the better of him and he had a complete meltdown to the point of being hospitalized. He has been home for 2 years and doesn't want to admit he has a problem (at this point I think he has co-occurring issues of anxiety and depression and some psychosis with it). At this point he's much calmer, but has a hard time keeping a job because people call him out as "different" and he gets frustrated by it and either acts out or quits.

My main reason for posting here is to ask for suggestions on techniques to help draw him out and develop a better "trust" relationship with him - as he seems to think we know what he's going through - even though he doesn't communicate what he's feeling, living through with us. I want to get to a place where he can say if something is going on and reach out for help.

Thank you

 

[Bolletje]

Welcome, JOP.

 

[tree]

 

[Nitro]

Hi JOP

 

[Nervous Rex]

Welcome to this site. I hope you find it as useful and welcoming as I have. Kudos to you for caring and trying to reach out to your son - it's a difficult struggle and just having someone willing to attempt to work through it is a major boon.

ASD is just one feature of your son's personality, so as you filter through the many, many different responses and viewpoints you will see here, I recommend you take everything with a grain of salt* - some may apply to you and your son's situation; some may not. (*Take everything I say with a grain of salt, too. I'm no wiser than the next guy.)

Due to my ASD, I've had quite a few bad miscommunications because I don't naturally express my feelings or intuit others' feelings. I've had to learn to explicitly state things and rephrase and restate what others are expressing to me. I often preface it with, "So I can make sure I'm understanding you, what you're saying is..." Sometimes they correct me and say, "No, I meant..." ... but at least that gets the conversation open on a level of directness that I can understand.

You can help your son take this approach by modeling it yourself. You state the conditions that contribute to your own thoughts and feelings, then state how that makes you feel. In teaching circles, this is called "scaffolding" - you step in and provide the thought processes that he needs to learn. If he is willing to learn, he will start to pick those up. Whether you do this openly ("I'm going to show you how to communicate") or subtly (show him, but don't tell him you're showing him) depends on how receptive you think he is.

Also, sometimes relationships get in a rut - a certain point of contention will begin to define the relationship and taint everything about it...In your case, to establish trust with your son, you may need to first identify any points of contention and any past experiences that are permanently affecting your approach and his approach to your relationship. You will have to defuse those points of contention before the relationship can heal and grow further.

One immutable fact to remember is: In any relationship, the only thing you can change is yourself.
This applies to all people and all relationships. Because of this, I often recommend counseling even when the person I'm talking to isn't the one with "the problem." That's because the person who is trying to help the one with "the problem" can benefit from learning new tools and new approaches to the relationship. When relationships are stuck in a cycle of negative behaviors and responses, someone has to be the one to break the cycle by changing their response.

Okay...Instead of just saying "hi and welcome," I just wrote a book. I'll stop now.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[Rectify]

Welcome to the forum JOP

 

[okisland]

Welcome JOP - really hope you find this place helpful

 

[JOP]

Welcome to this site. I hope you find it as useful and welcoming as I have. Kudos to you for caring and trying to reach out to your son - it's a difficult struggle and just having someone willing to attempt to work through it is a major boon.

ASD is just one feature of your son's personality, so as you filter through the many, many different responses and viewpoints you will see here, I recommend you take everything with a grain of salt* - some may apply to you and your son's situation; some may not. (*Take everything I say with a grain of salt, too. I'm no wiser than the next guy.)

Due to my ASD, I've had quite a few bad miscommunications because I don't naturally express my feelings or intuit others' feelings. I've had to learn to explicitly state things and rephrase and restate what others are expressing to me. I often preface it with, "So I can make sure I'm understanding you, what you're saying is..." Sometimes they correct me and say, "No, I meant..." ... but at least that gets the conversation open on a level of directness that I can understand.

You can help your son take this approach by modeling it yourself. You state the conditions that contribute to your own thoughts and feelings, then state how that makes you feel. In teaching circles, this is called "scaffolding" - you step in and provide the thought processes that he needs to learn. If he is willing to learn, he will start to pick those up. Whether you do this openly ("I'm going to show you how to communicate") or subtly (show him, but don't tell him you're showing him) depends on how receptive you think he is.

Also, sometimes relationships get in a rut - a certain point of contention will begin to define the relationship and taint everything about it...In your case, to establish trust with your son, you may need to first identify any points of contention and any past experiences that are permanently affecting your approach and his approach to your relationship. You will have to defuse those points of contention before the relationship can heal and grow further.

One immutable fact to remember is: In any relationship, the only thing you can change is yourself.
This applies to all people and all relationships. Because of this, I often recommend counseling even when the person I'm talking to isn't the one with "the problem." That's because the person who is trying to help the one with "the problem" can benefit from learning new tools and new approaches to the relationship. When relationships are stuck in a cycle of negative behaviors and responses, someone has to be the one to break the cycle by changing their response.

Okay...Instead of just saying "hi and welcome," I just wrote a book. I'll stop now.

 

[JOP]

Thank you Nervous Rex for your thoughts and suggestions. I'll definitely try the scaffolding suggestion. My son does trust me - but he refuses to work with someone that could possibly help him to adjust in the "typical" world. At this point, I'm just letting him continue to make mistakes (for instance, two weeks ago he got so frustrated at his job with a co-worker whom he perceived to be following him around, that he just told his manager that he quit and then went outside and drove his car around the place honking his horn as a way to get the anger out). Now - he's having trouble finding work! Big surprise. He's creating a very hard road for himself.

Anyway - thank you again for responding and the suggestions.