New, Need Help

[Snowbird]

I believe my husband is on the Asperger Spectrum. I’m not sure how to tell him this, but we need help. Our marriage is a struggle due to differences in communication styles and his very limited ability to empathize.
How do people address the topic?

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Maybe couple counselling, with a counsellor well informed on autism? However you probably might have to say to your partner you think he may be on the autistic spectrum, and probably need to research that more. Also, it's still a 2 way street of course, so your partner may also want you to change a little. Try Jessica Kingsley publishers catalogue for texts on autism. Many people also find Tony Atwoods informative works useful.

 

[tree]

 

[Aspychata]

Does he show that he cares for you in ways that are actions? Is your love language- communication? Because this will definitely affect your vision of him. What is his love language? How did you communicate early on in your relationship?

Welcome to the forum. Great you are trying to get to a better place with your partner.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome! If you take a look at the relationships section there's a number of discussions on how one might approach that type of scenario, though it's also come up in the introduction section as well. There's also a search function though sometimes that can be challenging to use, especially if someone used different wording than what we're using to search with.

 

[Snowbird]

Hi and welcome. Maybe couple counselling, with a counsellor well informed on autism? However you probably might have to say to your partner you think he may be on the autistic spectrum, and probably need to research that more. Also, it's still a 2 way street of course, so your partner may also want you to change a little. Try Jessica Kingsley publishers catalogue for texts on autism. Many people also find Tony Atwoods informative works useful.

Thank you. I am willing to adapt…I have been all along. My spouse doesn’t understand why we might need help. I have done enough reading to feel certain my husband is on the spectrum. I would like to hear from people on how they have broached the subject.

 

[Snowbird]

View attachment 88606

Thank you! Never imagined myself here but grateful to have some support

 

[Snowbird]

Does he show that he cares for you in ways that are actions? Is your love language- communication? Because this will definitely affect your vision of him. What is his love language? How did you communicate early on in your relationship?

Welcome to the forum. Great you are trying to get to a better place with your partner.

His love language is acts of service, which I completely appreciate. Mine is definitely more verbal. Early on, this worked. Over time, the insensitive comments on his part erode my ability to be open and trusting emotionally. I know he doesn’t do it intentionally but it still hurts.
I am looking for a counselor…still coming to terms with the idea that he is on Asperger’s Spectrum and don’t know how to broach the subject

 

[Snowbird]

Welcome! If you take a look at the relationships section there's a number of discussions on how one might approach that type of scenario, though it's also come up in the introduction section as well. There's also a search function though sometimes that can be challenging to use, especially if someone used different wording than what we're using to search with.

Thank you! If you have ideas on how to better search, please let me know. I want to bring it up in a way that isn’t threatening/judgmental/etc

 

[VictorR]

His love language is acts of service, which I completely appreciate. Mine is definitely more verbal. Early on, this worked. Over time, the insensitive comments on his part erode my ability to be open and trusting emotionally. I know he doesn’t do it intentionally but it still hurts.
I am looking for a counselor…still coming to terms with the idea that he is on Asperger’s Spectrum and don’t know how to broach the subject

Acts of service and being very amenable to giving money or things to others are two traits that I've not infrequently seen in my interaction with older gentlemen whom I've believed to be on the spectrum based on observed attributes.

 

[Aspychata]

Thank you! If you have ideas on how to better search, please let me know. I want to bring it up in a way that isn’t threatening/judgmental/etc

Maybe nonchalantly, like l was researching aspects of autism wondering about myself, and l noticed aspects that applied to you perhaps? I am just curious, have you ever thought about this? ( Maybe this is a tab underhanded but it's a difficult subject to broach.)

 

[Hypnalis]

@Snowbird

It's difficult for specialist medical professionals to diagnose an Aspie.

You might be right ...
... , but it's not likely you're capable of diagnosing him yourself, nor is it likely (for the same reason) that you can describe a sufficient set of symptoms so that anyone here can diagnose your husband.

Given that lack of accuracy, and the fact that even if you were right, many "high-functioning Aspies" (**) know they're a bit different, but not in what specific ways they're different, I suggest there's a significant "downside risk" to your relationship if you try to handle this head-on.

The best advice I can give (which so far has been universally ignored /lol) is that you start by changing yourself.

Note that I can explain the reasoning behind this advice, but given that it's usually ignored (though often in quite amusing ways I need a reason to do so.


** yes, I know that's not in the DSM

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome.

Thank you. I am willing to adapt…I have been all along. My spouse doesn’t understand why we might need help. I have done enough reading to feel certain my husband is on the spectrum. I would like to hear from people on how they have broached the subject.

I second the recommendation for an autism-competent couples counselor. If you are considering marriage counseling anyway, such could

1. broach the topic in a less threatening way and
2. translate autism to NT & NT to autism between the both of you.

In the meantime, learn what you can about autism and how to factor it into your relationship. If he finds himself to be autistic, he will want to do the same toward you.

If you are in the USA, see...
https://autlanders.blogspot.com/2019/07/finding-support-resources-in-usa.html

 

[Snowbird]

Acts of service and being very amenable to giving money or things to others are two traits that I've not infrequently seen in my interaction with older gentlemen whom I've believed to be on the spectrum based on observed attributes.

My spouse enjoys household projects. He likes to be busy and productive. It’s easier for him to do these things for me -and his parents- than to express feelings.
He does not give money away. He is extremely frugal

 

[Snowbird]

Hello & welcome.

I second the recommendation for an autism-competent couples counselor. If you are considering marriage counseling anyway, such could

1. broach the topic in a less threatening way and
2. translate autism to NT & NT to autism between the both of you.

In the meantime, learn what you can about autism and how to factor it into your relationship. If he finds himself to be autistic, he will want to do the same toward you.

If you are in the USA, see...
https://autlanders.blogspot.com/2019/07/finding-support-resources-in-usa.html

My spouse is very resistant to counseling—it involves talking about feelings, which of course he hates. After much consideration, I don’t see much benefit to pushing him into a discussion about Asperger’s. Maybe we just deal with the day to day communication issues…
That being said, I think I will use a counselor to help me deal with the fatigue.

 

[Alexej]

HI and Welcome @Snowbird

There is a lot of good advice in here already.
Try looking up cassandra syndrome - it might be helpful
AANE.org might be worth looking into also

 

[Rodafina]

Hi Snowbird, and welcome. There’s so much information here and a complex issue you raise, so do join us and take your time in taking things in if you want to.

You’re in a tricky situation. In my experience it would’ve been very difficult for the notion of autism to come from someone else… I really had to discover it for myself.

I think a counselor for yourself is a great idea – not to change yourself, per se, but just in getting a type of support and understanding for what you are going through with your husband that he may not be able to provide right now.