lora hamdan
per aspera ad pasta
Hi everyone.
I study at the Law faculty in Belgrade (Serbia), got an Aspie boyfriend, interested in languages (apart from English, which is not my native language, I learned some French, German, Serbian and currently studying Arabic). I'm gonna turn 21 in a couple of days. I scored AQ-35, ASSQ - 29, RAADS-R - 155, TAS - 70. If you don't have much time to read, that's pretty much everything you need to know about me
I first suspected that I might have Aspergers several years ago. I was depressed, sleeping and crying most of the time. The reason was loneliness. That summer I got out of home maybe several times only: I needed to help my mother with shopping. I started looking for a reason why I can't make any friends, why can't even make people talk to me more than one time, no matter how hard I try. So I took some Aspergers tests, got high scores, told my mother and was told to stop thinking of ********. But problems remained.
I was bullied in primary school since the first day, I was getting scared of some stupid things like loud laugh or music when I was a child, I was socially dumb (and stayed so), I was so stupid in everyday routine (for instance: we're making tea and somebody asks me "Give me my cup" and I give an empty cup. Why? I was not told to give "A CUP OF TEA"), I hated team games cause I simply couldn't get any rules. I also hated board games due to the same reason. I was doing some sport but remained so clumsy, that people often compare me to a bear or a camel. I feel like a sniper when planning how to get to my seat in a bus or a classroom. I can go shopping only in the morning or late evening, alone, when shopping malls are less crowded, otherwise I will probably go crazy of lights, heat, sounds and dump everything on the halfway and run home.
I grew older and faced more obstacles. It turned out to be hard to concentrate during classes at the faculty. Words were flowing through my head, later I could barely remember what was the lecture about. As many other students, I needed money. I was doing simple jobs at fast food restaurants and small shops, and it was terrible. I was not capable to memorize any of instructions that I was given. I absolutely couldn't get what all of these people around were doing, how did the place work, what was my role here? I hated wasting my time at the job. I felt tired physically, exhausted mentally, I did know how to put myself together and look friendly to customers. My colleagues were laughing and making jokes all the time, going to clubs after the job, while I felt like I got back from war by the end of the day. Everyone was telling me that I will get used to, but I never did. Of course, I got fired a lot.
Friends? I can't make any. I don't know what to talk about, I quickly feel bored of the conversation, I feel too lazy to keep talking, I don't really look into the eyes (I didn't know about that before my boyfriend told me), I usually don't even know how to respond on "How are you?" if I'm not prepared. If there are three of us talking, these two persons forget about me in 1 second. I normally feel like a ghost. I don't know how to look fake. I absolutely don't get any cues and can't tell if a person wants to talk now at the moment and what about. (I had no idea, some people can KNOW what somebody wants to discuss.)
I look like a nice and cute girl, I can easily attract guys, but the problem is, that
1) I can't get their intentions. No, I read some psychology and acquired some experience, but till now get confused if there is something new.
2) I mirror others behavior. If a guy comes up with a sweets smile, I start smiling back without any reflections. I mirror face expression and gestures, and even if I see that I should stop, I can't. I give people a completely wrong impression about myself. I could have got raped like that several times during my teenage years.
I got other weird traits. When I was a child I could not start reading for many months. I remember it was a word of 4 letters, that I knew well, but I just couldn't read it up. My mother went crazy and left me alone until I figure out how to read it. I stayed like that for several hours. I just didn't work. Later reading became my hobby. I was reading a book of 200-300 pages daily. My parents were hiding new books from me because I would forget about everything if get them. I remember I got used to locking up in the bathroom with a book, so no one could get me. I also loved cats. Cats were everywhere: on pictures, clothes, in movies, books... Everyone in the family was begging me to switch to something else. Then I fell in love with pink and started wearing pink only. Then it was something else. Even now. I started exploring Aspergers and stopped sleeping, eating, talking about anything else. My boyfriend is super angry, cause we didn't have sex for several days till now, just because I don't want to get away from the laptop.
Thank for your time, if you got till here! Hope my English didn't confuse you a lot.
I study at the Law faculty in Belgrade (Serbia), got an Aspie boyfriend, interested in languages (apart from English, which is not my native language, I learned some French, German, Serbian and currently studying Arabic). I'm gonna turn 21 in a couple of days. I scored AQ-35, ASSQ - 29, RAADS-R - 155, TAS - 70. If you don't have much time to read, that's pretty much everything you need to know about me
I first suspected that I might have Aspergers several years ago. I was depressed, sleeping and crying most of the time. The reason was loneliness. That summer I got out of home maybe several times only: I needed to help my mother with shopping. I started looking for a reason why I can't make any friends, why can't even make people talk to me more than one time, no matter how hard I try. So I took some Aspergers tests, got high scores, told my mother and was told to stop thinking of ********. But problems remained.
I was bullied in primary school since the first day, I was getting scared of some stupid things like loud laugh or music when I was a child, I was socially dumb (and stayed so), I was so stupid in everyday routine (for instance: we're making tea and somebody asks me "Give me my cup" and I give an empty cup. Why? I was not told to give "A CUP OF TEA"), I hated team games cause I simply couldn't get any rules. I also hated board games due to the same reason. I was doing some sport but remained so clumsy, that people often compare me to a bear or a camel. I feel like a sniper when planning how to get to my seat in a bus or a classroom. I can go shopping only in the morning or late evening, alone, when shopping malls are less crowded, otherwise I will probably go crazy of lights, heat, sounds and dump everything on the halfway and run home.
I grew older and faced more obstacles. It turned out to be hard to concentrate during classes at the faculty. Words were flowing through my head, later I could barely remember what was the lecture about. As many other students, I needed money. I was doing simple jobs at fast food restaurants and small shops, and it was terrible. I was not capable to memorize any of instructions that I was given. I absolutely couldn't get what all of these people around were doing, how did the place work, what was my role here? I hated wasting my time at the job. I felt tired physically, exhausted mentally, I did know how to put myself together and look friendly to customers. My colleagues were laughing and making jokes all the time, going to clubs after the job, while I felt like I got back from war by the end of the day. Everyone was telling me that I will get used to, but I never did. Of course, I got fired a lot.
Friends? I can't make any. I don't know what to talk about, I quickly feel bored of the conversation, I feel too lazy to keep talking, I don't really look into the eyes (I didn't know about that before my boyfriend told me), I usually don't even know how to respond on "How are you?" if I'm not prepared. If there are three of us talking, these two persons forget about me in 1 second. I normally feel like a ghost. I don't know how to look fake. I absolutely don't get any cues and can't tell if a person wants to talk now at the moment and what about. (I had no idea, some people can KNOW what somebody wants to discuss.)
I look like a nice and cute girl, I can easily attract guys, but the problem is, that
1) I can't get their intentions. No, I read some psychology and acquired some experience, but till now get confused if there is something new.
2) I mirror others behavior. If a guy comes up with a sweets smile, I start smiling back without any reflections. I mirror face expression and gestures, and even if I see that I should stop, I can't. I give people a completely wrong impression about myself. I could have got raped like that several times during my teenage years.
I got other weird traits. When I was a child I could not start reading for many months. I remember it was a word of 4 letters, that I knew well, but I just couldn't read it up. My mother went crazy and left me alone until I figure out how to read it. I stayed like that for several hours. I just didn't work. Later reading became my hobby. I was reading a book of 200-300 pages daily. My parents were hiding new books from me because I would forget about everything if get them. I remember I got used to locking up in the bathroom with a book, so no one could get me. I also loved cats. Cats were everywhere: on pictures, clothes, in movies, books... Everyone in the family was begging me to switch to something else. Then I fell in love with pink and started wearing pink only. Then it was something else. Even now. I started exploring Aspergers and stopped sleeping, eating, talking about anything else. My boyfriend is super angry, cause we didn't have sex for several days till now, just because I don't want to get away from the laptop.
Thank for your time, if you got till here! Hope my English didn't confuse you a lot.
