New here and need Help!

[Tobias]

I am at my wits end with this and need help. I'm a divorced man and NT (as far as I know) and pretty sure one or two of my 3 kids (two boys 24 and 21) are high functioning autistic. Our 20 year marriage ended 5 years ago as I could not endure the loneliness a minute longer. People asked over the years if our oldest son was autistic (as he showed a number of signs) but we brushed it off because the only image of autism we had was Rainman. Now years later I am wondering if he may be the clue to what caused so many marital challenges over the years and the mind crushing loneliness I endured with their mother. Only recently have I stumbled onto articles describing High Functioning Autism in women. A lot of this describes my ex-wife and is the only thing that seems to give answers. If true, it may also shed light on the possibility this has affected one or both of our sons. Can people tell me what high functioning autism might look like in a woman and in a marriage to that woman?

 

[royinpink]

Well, no woman is the same of course, but I think these sites will give you the sort of characteristics you would more commonly see:

• "Women and Girls on the Autism Spectrum" National Autistic Society
• "List of Female Asperger Syndrome Traits" Rudy Simone (author with Asperger's)
  
• "Girls and Women Who Have Asperger's" Tony Attwood (psychologist)
• "Aspienwomen: Adult Women with Asperger Syndrome. Moving toward a Female Profile of Asperger Syndrome" Tania Ann Marshall
• "Females with Aspergers Syndrome Nonofficial Checklist" Everyday Aspergers(blog)
  
• "At the Intersection of Gender and Autism" Musings of an Aspie (blog)

For myself, if you don't know me that well, I probably just seem very shy or aloof--and awkward if you have to interact with me. Only partners see how much I struggle with daily life. I think I used to be needy due to insecurity, rejection and depression. Now that I am less depressed, I find I more naturally like having a lot of space and alone time.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

That's a pretty big question, could you be any more specific? Are there any particular behaviours you think might indicate that your ex is autistic, or that particularly caused the problems with your marriage?

 

[Tobias]

Shy, withdrawn, intelligent, struggled fitting into social situations, creative, drawn to the helping profession. Total inability to connect how her actions or lack of actions and communication might affect my or someone else's feelings, but a genuinely good person who would not hurt others.

Almost totally hidden behind some kind of veil and as a spouse it rested on me to generate conversation and involvement. She took a back seat in almost everything in the relationship, social relationships, and in child rearing or during outings. The feeling I had was that she was completely emotionally unavailable. When I complained earlier in the marriage she would be very defensive and baffled as to what I was complaining about followed by withdrawing into a shell for long periods of time.

Since the divorce she has done a series of destructive and dumb things without the ability to connect how that might hurt others including our children. She is devoutly religious and that serves as a kind of justification for her.

That said, we had almost no conflict and we settled into some kind of pattern of acommodation. In hindsight, I came to the conclusion that as far as the relationships we had socially, being with her was like being in an aquarium and separated from others. Beyond that and inside that aquarium we lived in together, she was inside a smaller aquarium from which I was separated and unable to connect with her emotionally. Years like this took a toll and resulted in extreme loneliness for me. And the burden of everything resting on my shoulders was a 20 year weight and feeling that I cannot ever forget.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Echoing part of royinpink's post, I highly recommend Musings of an Aspie.

Can't say I blame you for the heartache you're going through. I'd feel the same way in your situation. As a married woman myself, I'm aware that I may not measure up enough for my husband's socializing needs. Whenever I hear he's found a friend he wants to visit or hang with, I try my best to encourage it whether I'm there or not so he can have some of his needs met.

I usually get along with his buddies though, so I tend to end up more as some awkward third wheel.