I could call this post Stuck In One Day-
I hope I can describe this.
When my autism 'hit' it came on quickly. And it was like I was stuck in that day.
So my days are spent managing that one day. I can never move beyond it, and I have tried.
When I was young, I tried Uni and relationships, etc but at great disturbance. Everytime I went to Uni, I lost about 10% of my body weight.
I learned I never get anywhere past that One Day. I never "get used" to doing something new because it is like Groundhog Day every day because I have to tend to to much just to get by.
I wake up at 5am to start to tend to it all, like food issues and movement issues, and terror and sensory issues, and getting things in order to survive. The Same Exact Day as ever.
And, if something happens (like an accident), where I cannot attend to the Day, I either stop eating , literally, or become very suicidal and meltdowns from hell.
The other day I started to think the fight may not be worth it anymore. I am thinking about not eating again . The fight to just eat over the last 35 years has been too much.
It is not about suicide, it is about the immense suffering eating has caused in my life.
I am glad they kept me alive when I almost starved to death at 15, but now I am not so sure I want to keep force feeding myself poison and rocks and gravel and toxic sludge, and dead animals and blood and guts and menstrual fluid, and maggot encrusted dog sh*t, and Nazi-zombie brains .....because that is what food feels like to me.
Believe me, I have been in "treatment" for food issues. Maybe more than 250 therapists in 35 years and in hospital about 15 times. It does not even put a dent in it. It just makes it worse because it knocks it out of the very tenuous balance it sits on already. I am just saying I think I am done fighting it.
I hope I can describe this.
When my autism 'hit' it came on quickly. And it was like I was stuck in that day.
So my days are spent managing that one day. I can never move beyond it, and I have tried.
When I was young, I tried Uni and relationships, etc but at great disturbance. Everytime I went to Uni, I lost about 10% of my body weight.
I learned I never get anywhere past that One Day. I never "get used" to doing something new because it is like Groundhog Day every day because I have to tend to to much just to get by.
I wake up at 5am to start to tend to it all, like food issues and movement issues, and terror and sensory issues, and getting things in order to survive. The Same Exact Day as ever.
And, if something happens (like an accident), where I cannot attend to the Day, I either stop eating , literally, or become very suicidal and meltdowns from hell.
The other day I started to think the fight may not be worth it anymore. I am thinking about not eating again . The fight to just eat over the last 35 years has been too much.
It is not about suicide, it is about the immense suffering eating has caused in my life.
I am glad they kept me alive when I almost starved to death at 15, but now I am not so sure I want to keep force feeding myself poison and rocks and gravel and toxic sludge, and dead animals and blood and guts and menstrual fluid, and maggot encrusted dog sh*t, and Nazi-zombie brains .....because that is what food feels like to me.
Believe me, I have been in "treatment" for food issues. Maybe more than 250 therapists in 35 years and in hospital about 15 times. It does not even put a dent in it. It just makes it worse because it knocks it out of the very tenuous balance it sits on already. I am just saying I think I am done fighting it.
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