Neurotypicals doing things spontaneously?

[As sweet as-pie]

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years now. I only met his family last Christmas because all these years, every time I ask to go over I get the same thing. "You're always welcome, come round whenever". I really don't know how people can do this. I need a time and a date otherwise I just won't get things done. Surely if you think "whenever" you still have to decide when you're going to do something. I've really wanted to go round to see his family lately because I'm trying to be more a part of his life. He never invites me over and he never invites me to hang out with his friends. He expects me to ask to go over but even when I do, he says that I can just go round whenever and doesn't give me a specific day or time.

I find this really rude. I find it incredibly rude to turn up at someones house unannounced. It seems really entitled and selfish to me. He's part of a family where like 10 people everyday just turn up unexpectedly at different times. I respect that's the culture of his family but he knows I'm autistic and he knows how I work and he still doesn't work around that. He always asks to come round to my house and never turns up unannounced, imo it's only okay to turn up somewhere randomly if you live there.

I don't know what to do. If it carries on this way I won't see them till next Christmas.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Is 10 o clock on saturday okay to come over?

You've announced the time.

People coming over randomly. Nightmare.

Hopefully he'll be in on the time you announce!

 

[ksheehan88]

I don't like this either. I prefer to be given times/days otherwise I worry I'll turn up at an inconvenient time and get in trouble.

 

[Suzanne]

Just the other night, when we had some guests ( which I hate, but there you go), the chap said in a very friendly voice and I knew he felt comfortable ( which is lovely): you will have to come over to us some time. Now, we have two couples we know, who are of our faith ( as are the family who came over for the meal) and one is always saying I can pop over any time and she knows I am an aspie, but she doesn't get it. She just insisits I pop over and in my head that is confusing. When? What time? Which day? Etc.

So, this time, with our guest, I took the inititive and said: it won't work like that; you NEED to give me a date and time. I just cannot turn up. Supposing it is a bad time?

As they were going, he said: we will give you a date, because I get what you mean.

I also don't get: please make yourself at home? I think and often say: are you sure about that?

 

[OkRad]

I would make the time if you know they are sincere and you want to go. I would say, "Let's make a time so I can make sure we are both free!" You can even make a joke about everyone being so busy and all..............

 

[Progster]

I would decide which day I want to go over, then phone or send a text message saying "can I come over at x time?" and arrange it like that. Then you both know what time you are coming over and it's not rude.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

I always suggest a time or date and his family are always like "oh no just come round whenever! no need to arrange it!"

They all go around randomly everyday, they're really not the kind of people to plan things and when I try to they think it's really strange.