Neurodivergent: Redefining Self-Worth as Strategic Self-Preservation

[GHA]

Much of what’s written about self-worth for neurodivergent people frames it as an emotional or therapeutic exercise. That has its place, but there’s another layer — one I’ve seen play out in real lives — where self-worth becomes less about affirmations and more about deliberate design.

Many neurodivergent individuals who sustain a fulfilling life treat self-worth as a structural choice. They arrange their lives so that their strengths have room to work, and their challenges are buffered — not through avoidance, but by shaping the environment to match their operating style. It’s not about working harder to fit a neurotypical template; it’s about quietly reshaping the playing field so they are not playing someone else’s game.

Constant adaptation to please others is rarely sustainable. Over time, it drains energy, blurs priorities, and can even distort one’s sense of identity. Those who thrive often adapt selectively — on their own terms, in contexts that don’t consume their core nature.

The reality is, the world’s systems and expectations are largely built for a different wiring. Strategic self-preservation means recognising that truth, then deciding with precision how far to bend — and where to remain immovable.

 

[Outdated]

Much of what’s written about self-worth for neurodivergent people frames it as an emotional or therapeutic exercise. That has its place....

No, that does not have it's place. Properly trained psychologists know this but snake oil salesmen will try any way they can to separate people from their money.

This isn't just for neurodivergent people either, it's for everyone.

Self worth, self respect, has to be earned. You can't get it from a class room, you can't even get to see what it looks like from a class room.

A fake ego will shatter the very first time it's tested and leave it's owner even more psychologically messed up than they were beforehand. Encouraging people to try and get by with a fake ego is setting them up to fail.

Some people develop an ego through sport but for the great majority of people it comes from working where degree of skill is paid for in hard cash - a tangible proof of abilities. Once you start actually believing in yourself through this then your ego starts to expand and it's influence starts affecting your social life and home life as well.

A prospective employer once told me "You have more front than Myers.". I grinned and said Yes! (Myers is a department store) I got the job.

Respect for yourself works exactly the same way as respect for other people. It doesn't just happen by itself, they have to earn it over a period of time, and if they let you down too often you will lose respect for them. This is true with self respect as well, in order for you to be able to have respect for yourself you have to become someone that you believe is worthy of that respect, and you have to continue to be worthy of that respect or you will lose respect for yourself.

One day a woman I was working for was having a bit of a rant about the difficulties of running a business, and during this she said "I would have been better off if I'd bought a flower shop.". My smirk was accidental but she noticed it and asked what was so funny. I said "I'm sorry Judy but that's what everyone says about you behind your back."

She went off her nut and told me that she expects respect from me, that made me angry. "I'm terribly sorry lady but the wage you pay me pays for the work I do, if you want respect from me then you will have to earn it the same way anyone else does.".

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Individuals who are...for whatever the reasons...insecure and/or have low dopamine levels will seek out affirmation, validation, "likes", "hearts"...positive responses from others, even positive responses from video games. They are chasing the dopamine.

This may be more or less a generational perspective...and generalization of life in the Midwest US during the '60's and '70's, but many of us that grew up without computers needed to socially interact face-to-face, we got our dopamine hits from our accomplishments, we earned our own self-worth by doing something meaningful, often challenging, often with some degree of discomfort.

We lived in a world where our feelings never mattered...boys certainly were not allowed to cry...children were often sent to their rooms if we had emotional outbursts...and our parents would not hesitate to give us "something to cry about" in public spaces. We lived in a world of parental absence and "skillful neglect". We were not allowed in the house except to eat meals, do chores, or sleep. We hopped on our bikes and left to God knows where, often before our parents woke up, and our parents just never knew where we were. There was no playing in the house allowed. We didn't have parents spending money on us except for once a year school clothes shopping, birthdays, and holidays like Christmas. If we wanted the cool, trendy clothing...we paid for it with our own money that we earned outside the home...I can remember my parents buying shoes for us out of a bin at the grocery store, asking relatives for hand-me-down clothing, garage sales, etc...they didn't have money. Most families didn't. Small houses, small bedrooms with bunk beds for all your siblings. One car. One wage earner, often moms stayed home. We all worked as children. That meant walking up to a stranger's house, often many, knocking on the door, and asking if we could mow a lawn, rake the leaves, shovel the snow, paint the fence, weed the garden...whatever the case may be. Second place was first loser. No participation awards. One winner and that was it...if winning was important to you...you had to be competitive and make it happen because the other kids were not going to just let you win. Respect was earned, not given.

So, there is a big disconnect between what people are experiencing these days versus what I grew up with. I often struggle to understand the mindset that many have today. Folks like me, the Asperger's/ASD-1s of the world...there was no diagnosis, there was no therapists or psychologists...we went to school, worked long hours and held our jobs because we had no choice in the matter. We didn't complain because it would have fallen upon deaf ears or we would have been punished for it. We just integrated into our world not understanding just how different we were from all the rest. There was no such thing as us living at home beyond the age of 18, it would have been an embarrassment to our parents and they would never have it. This was our life...many Gen X'ers in the US would agree...and laugh hysterically...even now...at what most people now-a-days would consider "trauma".

Even after all these years, I don't understand my children's world. I may have raised them in my home, but they are much more influenced by their world. I think I've officially become the "grumpy old man".

 

[Outdated]

We lived in a world where our feelings never mattered...boys certainly were not allowed to cry...

This was how it was in my world too and it was hammered home by my grandfather starting to introduce me to "men's business" and the responsibilities that come with being born male. A man is supposed to be a rock that the rest of his family can shelter behind in a storm. Dependable.

The thing is though - in aspiring towards this as I was changing from a teen in to a man gave me reasons to be proud of myself. If I say I'm going to do something then I do it, I don't fail. I like that about me just as much as I admire it in others.

 

[GHA]

No, that does not have it's place. Properly trained psychologists know this but snake oil salesmen will try any way they can to separate people from their money.

This isn't just for neurodivergent people either, it's for everyone.

Self worth, self respect, has to be earned. You can't get it from a class room, you can't even get to see what it looks like from a class room.

A fake ego will shatter the very first time it's tested and leave it's owner even more psychologically messed up than they were beforehand. Encouraging people to try and get by with a fake ego is setting them up to fail.

Some people develop an ego through sport but for the great majority of people it comes from working where degree of skill is paid for in hard cash - a tangible proof of abilities. Once you start actually believing in yourself through this then your ego starts to expand and it's influence starts affecting your social life and home life as well.

A prospective employer once told me "You have more front than Myers.". I grinned and said Yes! (Myers is a department store) I got the job.

Respect for yourself works exactly the same way as respect for other people. It doesn't just happen by itself, they have to earn it over a period of time, and if they let you down too often you will lose respect for them. This is true with self respect as well, in order for you to be able to have respect for yourself you have to become someone that you believe is worthy of that respect, and you have to continue to be worthy of that respect or you will lose respect for yourself.

One day a woman I was working for was having a bit of a rant about the difficulties of running a business, and during this she said "I would have been better off if I'd bought a flower shop.". My smirk was accidental but she noticed it and asked what was so funny. I said "I'm sorry Judy but that's what everyone says about you behind your back."

She went off her nut and told me that she expects respect from me, that made me angry. "I'm terribly sorry lady but the wage you pay me pays for the work I do, if you want respect from me then you will have to earn it the same way anyone else does.".

I get where you’re coming from. I only wrote “has its place” because I don’t have the scientific or clinical grounds to dismiss the therapeutic approach entirely. My personal experience leans heavily toward self-worth being built through tangible achievement and lived proof — and I’ve seen that work far more often. But I also leave space for the idea that, for some, the emotional or therapeutic route might play a role in getting them started.

 

[Rodafina]

I agree, @GHA and appreciate your perspective.

I was struggling mightily for 40 years, but as soon as I learned about autism and totally revamped my “playing field,” I have been doing mostly well and feeling very capable. My new life is one arranged around my strengths and capabilities where I can meet challenges from a position of confidence. And, sometimes, I do remain immovable. It was not until I understood autism that I could hear any internal validation. That voice had been waiting to be heard for a long while, and now she sings.

 

[TBRS1]

I'm gonna take a huge chunk of Nietzsche and paraphrase it by saying this:

You are what you are. It's up to you to make it work - or not.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

Related to this, a study of autistic doctors found that thinking of themselves as an "autistic doctor" rather than "doctor with autism" was linked to thinking of autism as a difference rather than a disability, and to better mental health.

On one hand, this could mean that people who accepted autism as part of themselves that they could work with, were psychologically healthier than those who thought of autism as something outside themselves that was "done to" them.

On the other hand, it could also mean that considering oneself as "autistic" rather than a "person with autism", and viewing it as a disability rather than a difference could be explained by life experiences in which autism has been primarily experienced negatively and as something those people did not wish to consider as part of themselves.

Interesting, though.

 

[JayCee]

Think slot of this type of growth can. depend on role modeling, of whom you might want to be in life . And the ability to have such role models . Then alittle initiative of the person to want to be interested enough to possibly research things that have to pertain to that ideal role model,or job or industry or even a business that you wish to have a interest in.
All the while considering your own health. Quite a handful,unless you turn that into a perseveration.( using Aspie tendencies as a asset .)

 

[Outdated]

Think slot of this type of growth can. depend on role modeling, of whom you might want to be in life . And the ability to have such role models .

This is also very true and some people get more of a head start in this way then others. I didn't have much in the way of role models as a kid, just my grandfather and he went and died on me when I was 11.

Where I got lucky was when I got my first job, and for the first time in my life I was spending all day most days with a bunch of people that I looked up to and admired. It was only then that I started to develop any real social skills too, I was amongst people that were worth trying to emulate.

 

[GHA]

I agree, @GHA and appreciate your perspective.

I was struggling mightily for 40 years, but as soon as I learned about autism and totally revamped my “playing field,” I have been doing mostly well and feeling very capable. My new life is one arranged around my strengths and capabilities where I can meet challenges from a position of confidence. And, sometimes, I do remain immovable. It was not until I understood autism that I could hear any internal validation. That voice had been waiting to be heard for a long while, and now she sings.

That’s such a meaningful change, and you’ve expressed it beautifully.

It’s inspiring to see how arranging life around your strengths has allowed that inner voice to be heard again. So happy for you that it’s singing now.