Need practical tips for a first intense date (meeting).... Let me explain!

[Persephone_]

Hello! Thank you for you time, and I apologize in advance I am not a native English speaker!

I am a NT woman, that is going to finally meet a Guy (Aspie) that I been talking since forever.

The reason I am here asking for practical advice is that, he knew very recently he is an Aspie, and he told me. I could understand some of his "extravagant" behavior after I read about his condition.

So, the crazy thing is, we don't live in the same country, we are both adults, and I will travel to meet him in a few months. (I will stay in a hotel, to keep his privacy and also mine).

He already told me he can be cold and extremely shy in my presence in the beginning. And I am also asking him all I can, and trying to learn more how I should behave also.

Do you have any tips to tell me how to behave, cause, I am aware I will need to go slowly, but if I really like him, I also want to show him that.

I am also really aware this all can go really wrong, but, I would like to try. We have so many things in common, and he is also very excited (and frightened) about the possibility.

again, thank you!

 

[Beverly]

Most important things, do not expect a lot of direct eye contact from him and, don't be insulted or assume he's not honest because of the lack of eye contact. That is difficult and, often unsettling for us to do and, we are, as a rule of thumb, honest to a fault, often bluntly so.

That is the second point, do not mistake his blunt honesty for rudeness or being intentionally hurtful, it isn't, that's just how we generally are.

Choose the less crowded, quitter locations for outings, he will appreciate your efforts to limit sensory input. Every bit of input is more for us to process and, meeting and learning about you in p0erson is going to be a lot for him already, don't add any more than cannot be avoided to that.

Don't engage in idle banter, stick to exchanging information about yourself, your work, interests, hobbies, etc... Idle banter is tiring and pointless to us, we need an exchange of information to make a conversation valuable.

Listen to his interests, learn about them even if they don't seem like your thing. You may learn something fascinating or interesting and, at the least, you will learn what he is into and why he is so into it.

You staying in a hotel is good, that affords him the privacy he will need to process each day with you. If a meltdown happens to him don't mistake it for anger toward you. I know it looks and feels that way, but really it's nothing more that an involuntary release of tension and anxiety due to input overload and, our inability to process all of the information fast enough.

Don't try to hurry him through conversational pauses, let him think and process what he wants to say at his own pace. it's worth waiting for.

There, now you will be fine with this first date, well first few dates since I assume you will spend more than one day with him.

 

[LoveDream]

Hello! Thank you for you time, and I apologize in advance I am not a native English speaker!

I am a NT woman, that is going to finally meet a Guy (Aspie) that I been talking since forever.

The reason I am here asking for practical advice is that, he knew very recently he is an Aspie, and he told me. I could understand some of his "extravagant" behavior after I read about his condition.

So, the crazy thing is, we don't live in the same country, we are both adults, and I will travel to meet him in a few months. (I will stay in a hotel, to keep his privacy and also mine).

He already told me he can be cold and extremely shy in my presence in the beginning. And I am also asking him all I can, and trying to learn more how I should behave also.

Do you have any tips to tell me how to behave, cause, I am aware I will need to go slowly, but if I really like him, I also want to show him that.

I am also really aware this all can go really wrong, but, I would like to try. We have so many things in common, and he is also very excited (and frightened) about the possibility.

again, thank you!

Hi! I'm an NT woman who has been with my Aspie boyfriend for 8 years.

Aw, it's cute to be nervous and he will be nervous too. Just be yourself. He obviously likes you for you. Be your warm, happy, friendly self and he will start to 'come out of his shell'.

●This is the hardest to do but most important advice I can give you: DO NOT RELY ON BODY LANGUAGE/NON-VERBAL CLUES. FOCUS ON HIS EXACT WORDS.

Also, make sure to be very specific and intentional with your words. He will process what you say, literally. So, do not be vague or sarcastic, the meaning will be lost.

Tell him that you are having a good time. Tell him, you love the restaurant he chose. Tell him, he is making you blush and happy.

As for being adults, If you want to hold his hand, tell him, you'd love to feel his hand in yours or whatever you are comfortable with. Then, continue with whatever you were doing. This will take the pressure off and allows him to make a move when he is comfortable. Plus, you told him exactly what you would like, so that takes the guess work out of it. It will feel weird, but over communicate.

Good luck!! I'm send well wishes your way!¡ ♡☆☆♡☆☆♡☆☆♡☆☆♡

 

[Persephone_]

Thank you Girls for your sweet answers! Is nice to hear the point of view of both sides..... I already understood he is not good with signs or non verbal communication, and he told me directly not to worry, just be assertive and tender. Also, good to already ask him to take us always to more reserved places, where he doenst need to deal with lots of people....

I guess whatever I want would be better to ask directly. That is not a problem at all... I guess, even for me would be good to be in a date where things have to be said, not guessed!

Beverly, what would be the signs of a meltdown? If I may ask...

Again, thank you!

 

[Beverly]

Thank you Girls for your sweet answers! Is nice to hear the point of view of both sides..... I already understood he is not good with signs or non verbal communication, and he told me directly not to worry, just be assertive and tender. Also, good to already ask him to take us always to more reserved places, where he doenst need to deal with lots of people....

I guess whatever I want would be better to ask directly. That is not a problem at all... I guess, even for me would be good to be in a date where things have to be said, not guessed!

Beverly, what would be the signs of a meltdown? If I may ask...

Again, thank you!

It's a bit different for everyone when we have a meltdown so, all I can do is tell you what it's like for me. I know it's going to happen when I feel hyped up, full of energy, raring to go after it's already been a long day of dealing with people, conversations, negotiation, smells, sounds and textures and, maybe a meal I don't like but had to endure. Logically I should be exhausted but, if I feel energized instead, that's my warning that it's anxious energy and, that only ends one way if I keep pushing myself, keep interacting and doing things I think need to be done rather than taking personal time and allowing my mind to process everything while my body can relax.

For me either cooking while listening to music I like or, a hot bath brings me off the pre meltdown high calmly, with out an explosion but, everyone is different as to what works for them.

If I don't, or can't do one of those things a meltdown will happen, for me that involves a lot of yelling, cursing and throwing things. An unaware onlooker would think it was a major adult temper tantrum and, may assume I am a violent natured person. That isn't true at all but, it does look that way if you don't know what is actually happening in my head to make me act like that.

it's an overload of too much that I need to process and, more things which are difficult, unpleasant or, upsetting being added before I have time to process what I had, which was already at or, a little bit beyond my limits to process in the time I have had to do so through the day.

Rarely if a situation is really bad for me, it can lead to almost instant overload - like expecting to go in to negotiate my contract for the coming year and, finding, after I am already in the conference room, that I also have to agree to or deny tour dates, negotiate a change in my royalties form already released albums, hear the auditions of two potential new band members and, advise out talent scout on two other musicians all in the space for four hours before lunch. Here I was expecting my manage and his lawyer so, came with only my lawyer. Now I need the rest of my band, an earpiece, copies of my bank statements and budget and, I've got to pass as NT the whole time because there are people there who don't know I'm an Aspie and, whom I can't let know that per my manager's instructions.

Needless to say, I'm making a mad dash for my car with some excuse that I forgot something at home and, we will have to delay the negotiations until after lunch but, I'll be back in an hour to hear the new talent. In reality, my mind just hit instant overload and, I'm hiding in the parking garage to have a meltdown and praying no one sees me for the next ten minutes.

 

[Persephone_]

Ok, Beverly, I got it...... Thank you again!

 

[tree]

How to date an aspie.
yipes

http://www.wikihow.com/Date-an-Aspie