wishIUnderstood
New Member
I've been married for many years and I was always convinced my wife had BPD and that was the source of our relationship problems. The last year has taken a nosedive and revealed that whatever her problems I'm afraid I may have the bigger one. I'm pretty sure I have Alexithymia and I say that as a person who normally doesn't trust any type of self-diagnosis.
I've been seeing a therapist who's not familiar with it and struggling to find one who is. Most information I find on it is general or academic research and I can't even find a therapist who claims to have expertise in it.
I realize I have no friends, can't communicate with hardly anyone and when I do I have no interest in anything. I see myself not even realizing I don't have food preferences. I've met a lot of people, rich, poor, young, old, religious, secular, intelligent, stupid, kind, mean, etc and no matter who they are there's always something they love, practice, embrace, study, hang out with, attend. There's something and I realize I don't have anything. My wife has said I'm practically mute at times and when I talk a lot it's never emotional, deep, or meaningful but surface level, smalltalk. I realize I talk to myself, a lot.
I didn't get along with my mom as a kid, but as an adult I kept inventing reasons to not interact with her. My other family I've pushed away and am completely alienated from. They didn't abuse me or mistreat me, I just didn't even know how to keep a semi-relationship going.
I'm calm and collected around people, sometimes I even like making smalltalk with strangers but realize I'm not doing much of anything. My wife says I've robbed her of her happiness. I feel like I do love her and have told her constantly I do but when she has pressed me to put it into words the best I can do is I get a warm feeling that I can't put into words.
I would die for my wife to protect her and have told her but she doesn't even think I'm interested in her as a man. She's told my affection, is rare, robotic, or just lustful. I want desperately to make her happy and I can't seem to even be a person who's enjoyable to be around
I thought I could describe my emotions, sad is sad, angry is angry, it sounds silly for someone with an education but I couldn't really do it more justice.
I've suffered from a vagal response where I faint if I'm in a lot of pain or see blood or am having blood taken. I can't help but think I'm actually experiencing fear and because it's so rare I feel anything my body just collapses. I'm a cancer survivor who realized he wasn't that scared or even grateful when he got better and people around me were more emotional about it than I was.
I'm even a Catholic which means I'm obligated to love others and serve others and I'm embarrassed of how I have not.
I'm a grown mature adult who knows how to work, pay bills, drive, discuss political issues, vote, etc. But I can't seem to understand why I should just hang out on somebody's couch, drink beer, and maybe tell them I love them and I'm here for them. I'm lacking something fundamental in my head where it connects to my heart. I wish I knew what to do.
I've been seeing a therapist who's not familiar with it and struggling to find one who is. Most information I find on it is general or academic research and I can't even find a therapist who claims to have expertise in it.
I realize I have no friends, can't communicate with hardly anyone and when I do I have no interest in anything. I see myself not even realizing I don't have food preferences. I've met a lot of people, rich, poor, young, old, religious, secular, intelligent, stupid, kind, mean, etc and no matter who they are there's always something they love, practice, embrace, study, hang out with, attend. There's something and I realize I don't have anything. My wife has said I'm practically mute at times and when I talk a lot it's never emotional, deep, or meaningful but surface level, smalltalk. I realize I talk to myself, a lot.
I didn't get along with my mom as a kid, but as an adult I kept inventing reasons to not interact with her. My other family I've pushed away and am completely alienated from. They didn't abuse me or mistreat me, I just didn't even know how to keep a semi-relationship going.
I'm calm and collected around people, sometimes I even like making smalltalk with strangers but realize I'm not doing much of anything. My wife says I've robbed her of her happiness. I feel like I do love her and have told her constantly I do but when she has pressed me to put it into words the best I can do is I get a warm feeling that I can't put into words.
I would die for my wife to protect her and have told her but she doesn't even think I'm interested in her as a man. She's told my affection, is rare, robotic, or just lustful. I want desperately to make her happy and I can't seem to even be a person who's enjoyable to be around
I thought I could describe my emotions, sad is sad, angry is angry, it sounds silly for someone with an education but I couldn't really do it more justice.
I've suffered from a vagal response where I faint if I'm in a lot of pain or see blood or am having blood taken. I can't help but think I'm actually experiencing fear and because it's so rare I feel anything my body just collapses. I'm a cancer survivor who realized he wasn't that scared or even grateful when he got better and people around me were more emotional about it than I was.
I'm even a Catholic which means I'm obligated to love others and serve others and I'm embarrassed of how I have not.
I'm a grown mature adult who knows how to work, pay bills, drive, discuss political issues, vote, etc. But I can't seem to understand why I should just hang out on somebody's couch, drink beer, and maybe tell them I love them and I'm here for them. I'm lacking something fundamental in my head where it connects to my heart. I wish I knew what to do.