Need advice

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

So I posted a few things earlier in the day about obsessing about autism and my wife getting angry or irritated over the obsession. We had just laid in bed and I had posted a status on Facebook about life throwing curveballs, and that you just have to keep swinging, even if you strike out, you will be up to bat again. And I put my feeling as “relieved” since I do believe I have found the cause of my struggles throughout my life. Well my wife disagrees with me, says that a lot of the things my mother told me I did were what any child would do; lining up specific toys(army men, cars) into a perfect line, not one out of place, and that I would get VERY angry if anyone tried to move them. I would not allow them to be put away. Or the fact that I lacked empathy to an extreme extent. Or that when I got agitated I banged my head on the ground. Or that I spun in circles or slapped my thighs constantly(stimming). Also hating toothpaste in or around my mouth, and hating baths and showers and crying when soap was used on me. The fact that I could not go outside without shoes on because the feeling of the grass bothered me, and I hated being dirty at all. I hated sandboxes. The fact that everytime I got yelled at, I had no idea what I did wrong or why they raised their voice at me. The fact that to this day I HATE the way seams and tags feel and have to wear all of my shirts inside out. The fact that I HAVE to eat every meal a certain way and each thing can’t mix with the other ones(vegetables stay on 1/3 of plate, side like rice or potatoes on 1/3 and my meat on 1/3). The fact that I don’t know how to express my feelings to ANYONE and completely shut down when I’m confronted. The fact that I don’t understand sarcasm or other things that are meant to mean something else. For example the song “cake by the ocean”, I said to my wife, “why would anyone eat cake by the ocean, there’s sand everywhere and it’ll melt!” She explained to me that cake means sex. I had no idea!! The fact that I take everything LITERALLY. The fact that I don’t like to cuddle, I’ve never liked it, I only do it for my wife because she likes it. She always asks why I hate kissing. Idk I just don’t like it! The fact that I have a routine for every single thing I do, including getting in and out of my car, or taking the trash out, or even using the bathroom! And when my routine is changed or denied, I get very very angry, and throw something or try to hurt myself by punching something or kicking something. At work it happens to me on a daily basis! Or the fact that i don’t like to smile so I ALWAYS look miserable or zombieish. Or the fact that I need to rub my feet together at night to fall asleep. Or that I bite my nails down until my fingers sting as a calming thing. The fact that I ALWAYS shake my left leg when I’m sitting with anyone or even just my wife because it soothes me. She swears I am exaggerating and thinks I have anxiety, depression, ocd, ADHD, social anxiety disorder, and other things. Antidepressants NEVER worked for me, I’ve never been able to socialize or talk to people about things I’m NOT interested in. I have maybe 2 guy friends that I BARELY talk to, and they are my friends because my wife is good friends with their wives. My wife also thinks I just want this diagnosis so I can use it to not do things! Or blame it on autism!! When all I want is relief! I want to know that I had no control over why I was this way my entire life. Why I struggled in school and relationships. And why I have such a hard time showing my love and affection for my wife. She’s known me 12 years and said i didn’t always act like this. Well it’s because I had to pretend the best I could so that I could stay in a relationship. Am I out of line. Am I to blame. I try so hard to be normal, caring, affectionate....I’m not good at always wanting to be close and cuddly, or showing when I’m happy, or even trying to initiate intimacy. Any time touching or intimacy does occur I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack the entire time. I have ADHD too and my wife hates that they have me on adderall. But that’s the only thing that makes me focus, yet I still get yelled at for focusing on the wrong things, and that I need to focus on the most important things FIRST. Ugh I’m sorry, my rant is over for this evening.

It sounds like your wife does not want to admit she has an Autistic spouse. Her friends, acquaintances and family might think worse of her, if that secret gets out. To her such diagnoses perhaps show weakness. She is putting herself first, and not you. If she cannot support you, believe you, and try to help you, then one day you may have to reconsider things there.

Well, if you show all your posts to any true competent medical professional trained to evaluate Autism, they would agree it is ASD. That is not even a question. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of them out there. Most doctors are rather general, or rather diagnose or treat only what they specialize in, their specialty usually not being much, but to just talk, look at just behaviors in the office, or to look in eyes, up nose, in ears and in the mouth, as that is what they seem trained to do.

From our numerous experiences with those in the medical field, most just seem to look at the surface what they observe in the tiny exam or therapy room, and cannot analyze anything, or probe further, as pertaining to signs and symptoms that could appear deeper within, or show up at different times, and in different environments. A caring, smart and thorough doctor would ask for or accept witness information and materials, give questionnaires, refer to another appropriate specialist for further testing if need be.

Sorry for my rant, but can we get more training for doctors regarding ASD? Must patients and others always do the work for them?

 

[Bella Pines]

Well then I have the perfect advice for you.

Just keep swinging, even if you strike out, you will be up to bat again.

I've been with my NT husband for 18 years and it was only at the 15 year mark that we really started to get to know each other. Either that or we FINALLY gave up trying to change each other. We have 2 boys and made it through, but it was never easy. And we had all the conversations you quoted at around the 10-12 year mark when our first came along.

So you're most likely an aspie, you will most likely go through the same pattern of relief, shock, depression, confusion, and then eventual comfort as you really start to understand yourself.

But that's YOU. The jd show. The world at large does not necessarily revolve around you. You are observing your wife's behaviour, her reaction to your diagnosis and relating it to you. You want her to listen to you, to understand you and to ride along as a passenger on your journey.

However, I would expect that she has her own problems.

So don't push it, don't rush it, yes you've been hiding who you really are for decades but I'm afraid you'll have to hold out a few more months more. Let her know slowly, drop things into conversation like the way your memory works (awful short term?) and how you don't mind being on your own (want to escape much?). Let her in slowly. and gently. She probably put your aspergers down to you being dark and mysterious. Dark and unavailble is attractive, being classified as mentally disabled is not. Introduce it slowly. And as the kids get older and noisier it will get more difficult, so be aware of your family now so it sets you up for an awesome family life

 

[Jdeisher]

Well then I have the perfect advice for you.

Just keep swinging, even if you strike out, you will be up to bat again.

I've been with my NT husband for 18 years and it was only at the 15 year mark that we really started to get to know each other. Either that or we FINALLY gave up trying to change each other. We have 2 boys and made it through, but it was never easy. And we had all the conversations you quoted at around the 10-12 year mark when our first came along.

So you're most likely an aspie, you will most likely go through the same pattern of relief, shock, depression, confusion, and then eventual comfort as you really start to understand yourself.

But that's YOU. The jd show. The world at large does not necessarily revolve around you. You are observing your wife's behaviour, her reaction to your diagnosis and relating it to you. You want her to listen to you, to understand you and to ride along as a passenger on your journey.

However, I would expect that she has her own problems.

So don't push it, don't rush it, yes you've been hiding who you really are for decades but I'm afraid you'll have to hold out a few more months more. Let her know slowly, drop things into conversation like the way your memory works (awful short term?) and how you don't mind being on your own (want to escape much?). Let her in slowly. and gently. She probably put your aspergers down to you being dark and mysterious. Dark and unavailble is attractive, being classified as mentally disabled is not. Introduce it slowly. And as the kids get older and noisier it will get more difficult, so be aware of your family now so it sets you up for an awesome family life

Thank you for that! I didn’t have an easy childhood at all either so that adds to the concerns, my short term memory is really bad but my long term is insanely good, if I remember something from when I was 4-5 I can still smell what I smelled at that time. But there are also memories that I cannot for the life of me remember, certain things my mom told me I did, I have no recollection of them whatsoever. My wife just believes that maybe my childhood was what ruined me and who I am today, my mom and dad both have issues, drug problems or alcohol. It sometimes makes me think that maybe I overreact, and maybe I just have a bunch of disorders, and I think that’s what my wife is thinking also. I honestly just need a truthful answer to help me understand and know I’m not crazy

 

[Judge]

The same with sarcasm. I literally cannot understand it so I assume that is what you want me to do.

Me too. Long before I even began to understand my own autism, I used to handle sarcasm by simply ignoring it as best I could. Without any obvious response to someone who makes a sarcastic remark, it was like watching a joke fall flat. So whomever said it would just move on.

It's ultimately a way to avoid admitting to much of anyone that I don't understand sarcasm directed towards me. Though I can understand sarcasm aimed elsewhere, as strange as it might sound. Go figure.

Otherwise what happens with me is that when I fail to process sarcasm, I usually default to having a sense of having been insulted, where a conversation can go downhill from there.

 

[Suzanne]

I could honestly say that I could have written virually all that you have typed, accept the roles reversed and it is my husband who is the EXACT same as your wife.

The "good" news is that with time, she will come to accept a little and that is with you saying that you are only wanting to find out for personal growth and not as an excuse.

I demonstrate every day, that I do not wish to use aspergers as an excuse to get out of things. For heck sack: I am lonely and NEED human contact, but cannot cope with it!

Just a point on empathy, which I found out myself. It is SYMPATHY we lack. I have to really work hard at sympathy. And NT's are far worse than us anyway. They often lack both; which means they are very good at pretending, but it is more a artificialness, rather than a struggle.

 

[Jdeisher]

Yes, I do not want to use it as an excuse at all. I don’t want people to think I’m just saying I have it to get out of social things or to get away with stuff. I honestly want to be able to improve my marriage, to be able to communicate to my wife, to understand what is expected. For her to understand that I try hard and don’t understand why I mess up so much.

I am looking for the diagnosis to keep my marriage in tact. I sacrifice a lot of things to try to be the best husband I can be, including cuddling, hugging, going to social events with my wife even though in my head I’m going crazy at the thought, and I try to act normal at those events, but she sees through it and always says to me why did you look so depressed or look like you weren’t having fun or you were quiet. It’s because my body couldn’t adjust to all of the noise, and conversations that I had no interest in, and the bumping and touching. I was trying to stay sane so to speak. I sacrifice all of that, everything I can’t deal with, to try to make her happy, and that’s why I tend to stress out so much.

Another example is what literally just happened. I hate bugs with a passion, I freak out when they are on me even if it’s harmless, and my wife just asked me to get rid of a stink bug on a bin in my sons room. I had to put on a fake tough guy act to show manliness I guess you can call it. When inside I’m flipping out and anxious

 

[Bella Pines]

Thank you for that! I didn’t have an easy childhood at all either so that adds to the concerns, my short term memory is really bad but my long term is insanely good

You know what, this is what I LOVE about other aspies. If I give NTs a virtual kick, they would run off crying and accuse me of being mean. But aspies get it. Cold, hard facts. They get it and they learn and they run with it.

I honestly just need a truthful answer to help me understand and know I’m not crazy

You are most definitely not crazy, you are not a sociopath, you are not a narcissist or any of the other things that aspies frequently get accused of being. You do however have amazing talents for mental survival, visualization, information or data processing, possibly pattern recognition and a most likely a dry sense of humour. On the minus side, the shutdowns and sensory overload can be problematic, and there might be a few embarassing incidents... I once worked with a guy called Steve for 3 years. Eventually he ended up in my team and read on his annual review that his name was actually Dave. That was an awkward conversation.

But no matter what, there will be someone here who has suffered and possibly solved everything you are suffering with. Just do leave your poor long-suffering wife out of it until she's ready to deal!

I am looking for the diagnosis to keep my marriage in tact. I sacrifice a lot of things to try to be the best husband I can be, including cuddling, hugging, going to social events with my wife even though in my head I’m going crazy at the thought
...I freak out when they are on me even if it’s harmless, and my wife just asked me to get rid of a stink bug on a bin in my sons room. I had to put on a fake tough guy act to show manliness I guess you can call it. When inside I’m flipping out and anxious

I hate social events. I hate bugs. I don't even know which I hate more. I guess a social event with a bug theme would really finish me off.

But the trouble is, this is the majority, and to have a family and give our children the life we never had, we have to find the balance.

Getting the diagnosis will be fine, but it's not going to solve everything and make your wife go "oooh that explains everything, okay you are excused".

It's life. Not gym class.

I would suggest communication and compromise. SLOWLY. For example, I agree to one social event per month on the condition that I get Saturday mornings off on my own. I agree to vacuum a perfectly clean house every Sunday if he agrees not to whine about me "not pulling my weight" or him having to "do everything". I agree to have 'family time' with the in-laws if he lets me sneak out to a coffee shop for an hour before I come back and smile during dinner.

It's the little compromises that got us to a good place. Eventually...

 

[Judge]

I am looking for the diagnosis to keep my marriage in tact.

Be cautious about that. It's ok to ponder, but I wouldn't necessarily assume a formal diagnosis may suddenly placate your wife into being more understanding.

The truth is, for some they simply reject autism itself out of hand. As if it's somehow some "behavioral myth" more indicative of people only seeking a label to excuse their traits and behaviors. Regardless of having a formal diagnosis. My cousin works in the healthcare insurance industry. She may not be blind to the science of autism, but in her mind it all amounts to just people making excuses to perpetuate bad behavior. Where she won't budge from this mindset. Where they default only to a perspective of you having to adapt to their ways- period.

I'm not saying it reflects your wife as well, but just be on guard that there are those out there who truly think along such lines. Where they'll dismiss out of hand a positive diagnosis from even a board-certified psychiatrist or neurologist specializing in forms of autism.

So now might be a good time to truly listen to what she says about it all, and try to determine how much she may respect or ignore the prospect of a positive diagnosis.

 

[ksheehan88]

Be cautious about that. It's ok to ponder, but I wouldn't necessarily assume a formal diagnosis may suddenly placate your wife into being more understanding.

The truth is, for some they simply reject autism itself out of hand. As if it's somehow some "behavioral myth" more indicative of people only seeking a label to excuse their traits and behaviors. Regardless of having a formal diagnosis. My cousin works in the healthcare insurance industry. She may not be blind to the science of autism, but in her mind it all amounts to just people making excuses to perpetuate bad behavior. Where she won't budge from this mindset. Where they default only to a perspective of you having to adapt to their ways- period.

I'm not saying it reflects your wife as well, but just be on guard that there are those out there who truly think along such lines. Where they'll dismiss out of hand a positive diagnosis from even a board-certified psychiatrist or neurologist specializing in forms of autism.

So now might be a good time to truly listen to what she says about it all, and try to determine how much she may respect or ignore the prospect of a positive diagnosis.

I agree with this 100%. When I had told my Mum I thought I had AS, she dismissed it as depression and anxiety. Now I have a formal diagnosis, although she hasn't said outright that she doesn't believe me, she still chimes off all the same "Well don't expect me to change what I say about when you were little" and "everyone is like that" and "its not an excuse" blah blah. She is less openly dismissive, but that doubt is still there and I don't believe that will change.

 

[Jdeisher]

I agree with this 100%. When I had told my Mum I thought I had AS, she dismissed it as depression and anxiety. Now I have a formal diagnosis, although she hasn't said outright that she doesn't believe me, she still chimes off all the same "Well don't expect me to change what I say about when you were little" and "everyone is like that" and "its not an excuse" blah blah. She is less openly dismissive, but that doubt is still there and I don't believe that will change.

Yes I do agree and I do believe that my wife will be this way, as much as I don’t want it to be true. I do think quite often that maybe I should just be alone, I like being alone, but I like having a partner by my side also. The advantage of being alone though means I can be me, I won’t get yelled at for not doing something, or being on my computer for to long, or being in the bathroom for an hour. The only alone time I get to enjoy now are those times, bathroom, shower, or staying up after everyone is sleeping, which I get yelled at for anyway. I guess I just feel if I was alone it would be easy

 

[ksheehan88]

Yes I do agree and I do believe that my wife will be this way, as much as I don’t want it to be true. I do think quite often that maybe I should just be alone, I like being alone, but I like having a partner by my side also. The advantage of being alone though means I can be me, I won’t get yelled at for not doing something, or being on my computer for to long, or being in the bathroom for an hour. The only alone time I get to enjoy now are those times, bathroom, shower, or staying up after everyone is sleeping, which I get yelled at for anyway. I guess I just feel if I was alone it would be easy

I have a partner who I have been with for 11 years, and three children - I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be alone!

I'm lucky in that my partner gives me all the space I need and just lets me carry on and do my thing and be myself. Kids are such hard work, I'm not maternal at all, but I still try to give them the lovve and whatnot that they deserve.

But yeah... I often wish I was alone, I prefer my own company.

 

[Streetwise]

Alone is not easy it's shattering i'm alone nearly 24 /seven

 

[Jdeisher]

As of right now, I can almost guarantee my wife thinks I’m going for this diagnosis as an excuse. And that does hurt me, especially since I do not know how to act or react to that. Part of the reason I feel like I’m crazy is because I have no one to talk about it to without judging or making me think I’m overreacting or looking for an excuse. I didn’t ask to be this way, I wake up every morning trying to cope with life. I have a good paying job that I absolutely hate because of how I’m treated there, and I’m tested everyday, I have meltdowns every day. People say hurtful things or bully. If I thought normally I would handle it better. Every day at work I get asked why I’m so miserable. I’m not, it’s just how I look, I don’t show emotion at work, or social events, I have to have a fake smile in pictures that makes me look weird. I can literally go on for days about everyday life for me. And as I type it I’m thinking, wow where is this all coming from. I never talk about these things

 

[Judge]

Pretty much all my relationships failed, largely on not understanding my own need for routine solitude.

I'd be with my significant-others until I couldn't stand it any longer. But instead of seeking solitude I didn't know I fundamentally required, I would simply break up the relationship. Tragically I never knew at the time (neither did they) that it was never about them at all.

It's haunting to me to be able to look back and see it all so clearly- NOW.

But it doesn't make any of us evil. We just have limits to how much we can socialize. It isn't a crime. It's just who- and what we are. And that those around us must learn not to take this personally!

 

[ksheehan88]

As of right now, I can almost guarantee my wife thinks I’m going for this diagnosis as an excuse. And that does hurt me, especially since I do not know how to act or react to that. Part of the reason I feel like I’m crazy is because I have no one to talk about it to without judging or making me think I’m overreacting or looking for an excuse. I didn’t ask to be this way, I wake up every morning trying to cope with life. I have a good paying job that I absolutely hate because of how I’m treated there, and I’m tested everyday, I have meltdowns every day. People say hurtful things or bully. If I thought normally I would handle it better. Every day at work I get asked why I’m so miserable. I’m not, it’s just how I look, I don’t show emotion at work, or social events, I have to have a fake smile in pictures that makes me look weird. I can literally go on for days about everyday life for me. And as I type it I’m thinking, wow where is this all coming from. I never talk about these things

Feels good to be able to let it all out without fear of judgement, huh?

 

[ksheehan88]

Pretty much all my relationships failed, largely on not understanding my own need for routine solitude.

I'd be with my significant-others until I couldn't stand it any longer. But instead of seeking solitude I didn't know I fundamentally required, I would simply break up the relationship. Tragically I never knew at the time (neither did they) that it was never about them at all.

I've said often, if my current relationship failed, and I found someone else, I would never, ever, EVER co-habit again.

 

[Streetwise]

As of right now, I can almost guarantee my wife thinks I’m going for this diagnosis as an excuse. And that does hurt me, especially since I do not know how to act or react to that. Part of the reason I feel like I’m crazy is because I have no one to talk about it to without judging or making me think I’m overreacting or looking for an excuse. I didn’t ask to be this way, I wake up every morning trying to cope with life. I have a good paying job that I absolutely hate because of how I’m treated there, and I’m tested everyday, I have meltdowns every day. People say hurtful things or bully. If I thought normally I would handle it better. Every day at work I get asked why I’m so miserable. I’m not, it’s just how I look, I don’t show emotion at work, or social events, I have to have a fake smile in pictures that makes me look weird. I can literally go on for days about everyday life for me. And as I type it I’m thinking, wow where is this all coming from. I never talk about these things

One thing I learned from watching the dog whisperer yesterday is how much I like being calm

 

[Judge]

I've said often, if my current relationship failed, and I found someone else, I would never, ever, EVER co-habit again.

Indeed, if I ever had the prospects of another relationship this would weigh heavily on my mind as well.

Living with another in the most fundamental ways was always fundamentally stressful to me, one way or another.

I just feel sad that I was unable to put it all together until so many years later.

 

[Jdeisher]

Feels good to be able to let it all out without fear of judgement, huh?

It does! So much!!! I have never done this! Getting these things off my chest is so relieving. I would never have talked about these thing to my therapist, I wouldn’t know where to begin, or feel comfortable considering they are trying to make it out to be something else, like they always have.

I guess now that I have gotten a lot out, I can explain to them a little better, I got detailed info from my mom on exactly how I behaved, I didn’t know the things I do now. My mom told me I was angry and that’s all, and that’s what my therapists went off, there was no head banging or lining things up or meltdowns or not expressing feelings or any type of empathy. They assumed from the anger statement. And I believed them because I didn’t know better myself

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

And I believed them because I didn’t know better myself

That's the trick - learning and being confident within yourself first. I guess you could say that's what the forum is for.

When we ask questions of people (we trust and love often) it can become a negative pattern. Ie asking approval of others to help explain our existence at worst and can often result in a defensive reaction from whoever we asked.

This is an easy pattern to fall into/rely upon especially as ASD questioning our own reality kind of goes with it.

Give it time and build that confidence - from the inside out.

Find your strength.