Need advice- Aspie roommates obsession taking over help

[sconesail]

Hi All,

I need some help and advice. I don't have Aspergers, but my roommate does. For the past three years, we have been living together and this situation has given both of us a lot more independence. It has helped both of us- I can't drive, she can. For the most part, this situation has worked well

My roommate, whom I'll call K for the purposes of this post, is completely obsessed with her "boyfriend" and it is really taken over her life. K hasn't met him, as he lives in Wisconsin. He has said he will come down numerous times, but never does. This has been going on for two years. He proposed online and then K started planning the wedding. For the past two years, she has been somewhat obsessed, but not like now.

Right now, it is her entire life. It comes before everything. Things have really come to a head over the past few months. Her mother, concerned about the whole situation, called him and informed him that she didn't feel this was good for anyone and asked him to stop all contact with K. During this time, things were getting a little better- K was happier. Until, one night when she had a meltdown and her Mom lifted the ban. The next day, I basically realized that she knew her actions would get her mom to lift the ban.

Since that happened, things have gotten progressively worse. For example, one of her oldest and best friends had a baby recently. She is usually very happy about things like this. We went to visit them last week. Her friend immediately apologized cause she was in sort of pajamas- well long t-shirt and shorts- but she also has a two week old baby and two older children. (Recently, when I found out that company was coming, I asked her to get dressed- in something other than pajamas- which is what she wears all the time unless she is leaving the house.) She immediately told the friend that I felt it was a crime to be in pajamas during the day. She then got mad at friend when the friend got onto one of her older children who was doing something she wasn't supposed to do. She then hid for about thirty minutes. She usually takes a nap during the day. And that is fine. She took a nap while we were there, but slept longer than the baby. This is just one example.

I'm doing what I can to help. I have also spoken to her Mom and we have had a group meeting with her psychologist. In the meeting, it was decided that K and I simply wouldn't talk about the boyfriend. I asked what to do if she did have a meltdown and her psychologist said- you call me. Right now, she is not holding up her end of the bargain here. She is supposed to help with chores around the house, provide transportation, and do a few other things. I've had to do most things lately. I have a fainting disorder and chronic migraines. I also have a service dog. I can do most things, but do need her help.


However, I'm not sure I can do this anymore. Very soon, K will have to make a choice to either correct orr change her behavior or move out. I haven't told her yet, though I think she knows it is coming. Plus, I need time to figure out a plan b. Moving out would also limit her in some ways, as she will no longer have access to a car. The plan is to set up a group meeting with her psychologist and her mother when we present this to her. I don't want it to come down to this, but the current situation isn't helping me or K.

If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. Also, I know that it is not uncommon for Aspies to have obsessions, but does anyone here have any idea how to change one obsession for something else?

I would really appreciate your helpo.

Sincerely,
sconesail

 

[Vanilla]

I've noticed, and read, that some Aspies can make their partner their obsession. This is vital to remember, because an Aspie obsession will generally be their purpose in life. An obsession can be healthy, but it can also be much like a drug. An Aspie can in fact move on from an obsession, but if it is against their will, it will be extremely difficult. Of course, I don't know this guy, but if he is bad for her, she may not care, as the obsession would be that strong. If she does in fact need to be separated from him, it will cause her much emotional pain, and a fairly long grieving process, and so she will need her friends and family to be very strong for her.

I recommend getting your hands on a copy of this book: Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

As for changing an obsession from one to another, it's not that simple. Finding a new obsession, is like falling in love. It can't be forced, and is rather involuntary. You can encourage new things to try, but it will be up to her.

I hope you are able to find a solution for her

 

[Ereth]

You've posted about this issue before, yes?

I think it's time for you to move out. You can still be friends with K, but you both need your space.

 

[alien girl]

when an aspie gets something into his/her head, they just cant get it out. and we arent always realistic about our obsessions. she hasnt even met the guy! she doesnt even know if she'll like him. meeting someone face to face can sober things up.
maybe when she finally will meet him, she'll realize he isnt even her type, and then she can finally move on.
how can you marry someone you havent even met face to face? she has no idea if they're a match.

 

[Ste11aeres]

That guy sounds like a jerk, proposing to a girl but never being willing to visit her. Her mom initially did the right thing by preventing them from having contact.
But I agree with alien girl that if they met face to face, maybe, just maybe it would "sober things up".

 

[Ste11aeres]

Has she ever been obsessed with other things during the time you've known her?
If you know what her past obsessions have been, they could be a clue as to how she could move past this guy.
She does sound lucky (and might not know how lucky she is) to have a roommate who seems to genuinely care about and understand her as much as you seem to. Us Aspies often don't have many friends, and those who are willing to understand and be friends with us should be cherished.
I think her mother is potentially an important person in this situation, seeing as how she (her mother) was able to put some brakes on this thing (until she buckled).
However, when I was in my teens I went through periods of intense obsession over certain individuals. Now, I barely remember those persons. For me, it was a temporary period; maybe it will turn out to be the same for her. The only thing that would have long-lasting effects would probably be if she married him, but if this guy won't actually meet her, I doubt he will actually go forward with a wedding.
Wish I had more actual and specific advice to offer, sorry.

 

[sconesail]

Hi All,

Thanks so much for your help and support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Yes, it may be time to move on. She will be the one to move out- as the apartment is mine, as is the car. We recently had a group meeting with her psychologist and her mother. I'm going to set up another one- with K, K's mom, her psychologist and I will be there as well. I'm basically going to say- look this isn't working. You can either stop this behavior or move out. (She would have to move back in with her Mom and in the process, she will loose a lot of freedom.) I think it is probably best to do it in her psychologist office. Regardless, this has to be her choice and she has to learn that actions have consequences. I hate having to do this.

As to past obsessions, she has always been a little bit "boy crazy,' and has almost always had some object of affection. but she has never been in a real relationship. Acording to both my roommate and her family, she has always obsessed about guys, but never to the extent where it has taken over her life like this. When we started living together three years ago, she was infatuated with a guy, but not to this extent. Indeed, after she met hium in person, she realized he wasn't a good guy. She also has a love of the Hispanic/latin culture- and that was one of her obsessions. She used to help out at the ESL program at her church- until I got kicked out for fainting. She is also very interested in religion, so we are doing a small bible study at night and that is good.

As to her family, they have not been much help. When her mother tried to stop contact, she sent a text or email to Craig and basically said, "Leave her alone or you will be hearing from a lawyer." Basically, the way she got her mother to lift the ban is awful. She had a meltdown, felt trapped, and I was basically standing between her and thhe silverware drawer as she was making the usual- everyone hates me statements. So her mom lifted the ban. I felt horrified when I put two and two together. However, her mother has refused to follow through with that. I think her family simply tries to sweep a lot of her Asperger's symptoms under the rug. They do not want to deal with her outburst. Due to this fact, I think she has learned to use her emotions as a way to get what she wants. (This doesn't work on me.)

Anyway, that is about the size of things now. I appreciate your help and advice.

sconesail

 

[Ereth]

I think your friend may need to be hospitalized for a while, if her behavior around the silverware drawer is any indication.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Hi All,

Thanks so much for your help and support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Yes, it may be time to move on. She will be the one to move out- as the apartment is mine, as is the car. We recently had a group meeting with her psychologist and her mother. I'm going to set up another one- with K, K's mom, her psychologist and I will be there as well. I'm basically going to say- look this isn't working. You can either stop this behavior or move out. (She would have to move back in with her Mom and in the process, she will loose a lot of freedom.) I think it is probably best to do it in her psychologist office. Regardless, this has to be her choice and she has to learn that actions have consequences. I hate having to do this.

As to past obsessions, she has always been a little bit "boy crazy,' and has almost always had some object of affection. but she has never been in a real relationship. Acording to both my roommate and her family, she has always obsessed about guys, but never to the extent where it has taken over her life like this. When we started living together three years ago, she was infatuated with a guy, but not to this extent. Indeed, after she met hium in person, she realized he wasn't a good guy. She also has a love of the Hispanic/latin culture- and that was one of her obsessions. She used to help out at the ESL program at her church- until I got kicked out for fainting. She is also very interested in religion, so we are doing a small bible study at night and that is good.

As to her family, they have not been much help. When her mother tried to stop contact, she sent a text or email to Craig and basically said, "Leave her alone or you will be hearing from a lawyer." Basically, the way she got her mother to lift the ban is awful. She had a meltdown, felt trapped, and I was basically standing between her and thhe silverware drawer as she was making the usual- everyone hates me statements. So her mom lifted the ban. I felt horrified when I put two and two together. However, her mother has refused to follow through with that. I think her family simply tries to sweep a lot of her Asperger's symptoms under the rug. They do not want to deal with her outburst. Due to this fact, I think she has learned to use her emotions as a way to get what she wants. (This doesn't work on me.)

Anyway, that is about the size of things now. I appreciate your help and advice.

sconesail

Well, you're probably making the right decision. There comes a point sometimes when we have to accept that someone else's actions are what they are, and we have to make what is the best decision for ourselves.
As for your roommate, perhaps she will do better in these things as she grows older and more mature. Anyway, as for yourself, moving on is probably the right decision. If Ereth is right about a need for hospitalization that will be her family's job to help her with, rather than yours.
I'm sorry this situation has been so troublesome for you, but it sounds like on your part you were probably a good roommate. It is also cool that you wanted to visit our forum in order to search for ways to gain a better understanding of this thing. That's a good indication that you will probably continue to be an intelligent and good friend in your future friendships.

 

[sconesail]

Hi All,

First of all, thanks so much for your advice and support. I've really found this site helpful- particularly because you have been able to educate me and find other ways of coping with this situation.

My room mate, K, and I met with her psychologist last week. We decided to take a break for a while. K will stay at her Mom's house, but will still help with transportation. Her mother could drop her off on her way to work and she can take me where I need to go. We are also going to try and do something fun and interesting every week. This way, I get a break. K will have to deal with this stuff. I hate that it came to this. I don't want to lose her as a friend, and this way, I don't think I will or at least I have hope.

When I talked to K yesterday, she said that everyone was mad at her- her Mom, me, and anyone else who gives her any kind of advice. This obsession is really terrible. However, I hope that with everyone's support, she can get better and be back to the high functioning happy K that I know she is. Still, my stress level has gone down dramatically.

I will keep you updated.

thanks so much,
sconesail

 

[Judge]

That guy sounds like a jerk, proposing to a girl but never being willing to visit her.

Possibly worse than a "jerk". A "catfish".

I'm afraid Aspies may be more susceptible to this sort of thing, although it can happen to anyone- including having gone through that myself.

"K" needs to find out who this person really is.