Near the end of my efforts, about to just give up

[Joshua the Writer]

I'm not sure what to say but to wish you the best of luck. I hope you find the help you need soon.

 

[100skerls]

I can relate so much. But I want to preface by saying I am not compare the severity of your experiences to mine, only want to make you feel less alone. Also I am not professionally diagnosed with ASD (but I strongly believe that I have it, and I’m on a waiting list to be tested). But I have a professionally diagnosed narcissistic dad and my mom goes from being loving and supportive to tearing me down worse than my dad can. It can be so disabling to have parents that seem to want to keep you from progressing and it is very confusing (“are they really doing that or am I really as bad as they say?”). Growing up my mom would often say “you are just like your dad” or “you are manipulative” or “I don’t know what it is about you but you always put me in a bad mood” all the time. I have been on and off homeless since my mom kicked me out when I turned 18 but since she kept claiming me on her taxes I can’t get grants and scholarships that I should qualify for which has meant for me that I haven’t been able to continue my education, have a reliable place to live, and cover my basic needs at the same time since high school (though my parents kicked me out in high school too). I have crawled back to my parents over and over and it is really scary to feel unable to be independent but powerless in how negatively their blind-siding ways can affect you. I have very low self esteem which is continually a problem. If you ever want to talk I am here, and if you are lonely know you’re not alone, we can be lonely together

 

[100skerls]

I love life too, life can be so beautiful. Remembering how happy I’ve been from the simplest things is what keeps me going when I’m really low. Meanwhile it is very distressing to exist in society without support and personally I feel like I’m trying to drive somewhere but I have no idea where I’m going - just hoping I end up where I’m trying to go. I am searching for proper support - whatever that means. I hope you find all you need too.

 

[100skerls]

Just read through all your replies, I’m so sorry that your family talked to your girlfriend behind your back and I’m sorry your girlfriend believed them. I’ve had this happen to me before over and over. It is devastating. People who have families that are more stable find it harder to fathom that people would lie about things that they couldn’t imagine people in their family lying about. My boyfriend and his family constantly doubt me. But something I have found is that the people who truly love you and are worth all of the pain and hardship will try to believe you and understand even if they think what you say sounds unlikely. I’ve lost mentors and friends from my family talking behind my back to them. I can’t imagine what you are feeling. But if you can I think you should stay true to yourself and don’t pretend things aren’t how they are to her. Wait to see if your girlfriend comes around, she might need some time. I like to find dimly lit coffee shops and sit in a big comfy chair with earplugs or headphones and read or just decompress. Or just get outside and go for a walk. Or run as fast as you can. You might not think you could enjoy it but it might help to get out and be in a neutral environment for a little while. Eat well and take good care of yourself the best you can.

 

[oskar]

I am about to go to some autism agency, in order to get my life on track. Or are those places bogus?

 

[Gracey]

@novart
How's it going?

 

[novart]

@novart
How's it going?

Thanks for asking. I think my girlfriend sees through the act now, it was actually very helpful to have a third party/mutual friend who experienced the similar thing growing up explain it. So I'm relatively happy right now. Parents are trying to gaslight me fairly intensely but I'm keeping my cool since I feel like I've lucked out a bit.

 

[novart]

I am about to go to some autism agency, in order to get my life on track. Or are those places bogus?

I'm sure that's gotta depend on the place, if you don't mind sharing it's name (not that I'd have the answer)

 

[oskar]

I'm sure that's gotta depend on the place, if you don't mind sharing it's name (not that I'd have the answer)

I went there for ten minutes, and realised they weren't going to get me a job. I am never getting a job.

 

[oregano]

I went there for ten minutes, and realised they weren't going to get me a job. I am never getting a job.

At least it was only 10 minutes. Years ago SSI introduced a "program" called "Ticket To Work" that sounded wonderful...on paper. What it actually consisted of was going to the local "Vocational Rehabilitation" agency, which then shoved me off on their "contractor" who handles the "intellectually disabled". The contractor made me jump through a bunch of hoops for maybe 4 or 5 months, then they told me "sorry, you're not challenged enough to fit in our program", handed me a list of online job search boards, and shoved me out the door. Apparently their clientele consists of people with IQ's that are so low that they cannot care for themselves, but just high enough so that they can do menial work like sorting cardboard and cleaning plastic tote-style shipping containers. So, too smart for assistance, too dumb to NOT need assistance. Thus my life has been one big long stream of "shape up and fly right, dummy, and don't give me your stupid whiny excuses about not being able to do it, you can but you're just lazy, so STOP BEING LAZY BUCKO!" It's along the lines of Michael Savage's famous rant about autistics simply being in need of a good slapping.