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Featured Near the end of my efforts, about to just give up

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by novart, Jun 10, 2019.

  1. novart

    novart Active Member

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    Undiagnosed growing up, my parents invalidated my sensory pain so much growing up that by high school I was using what I know now is a very unique ability to intensely daydream in order to dissociate my way out of the pain. My teachers hated my problems so much that they passed me anyway even if I was failing, something I was grateful for but now realized only benefited them. It should have been a problem.

    Failing to do anything successful in my life never brought any negative attention, it was only the rare moments I achieved anything independently that the hammer was brought down on me. I had no understanding of narcassists, or why I never felt like I had achieved anything when I followed my parent's advice (because it wasn't something I could take credit and subsequently be proud of).

    When I ask why they never went to get me diagnosed, it was because I didn't act out like the other kids. When I act out now, it's only because I was always that way. Every memory of the pain I had growing up was a lie when it was something they feel they could be blamed for. The only "signs" they've led me onto were the things I never gave them "Oh, so THAT'S why you wouldn't cuddle with me as an infant, you lacked empathy". The idea of it being sensory pain is enough to make my life a living hell for weeks before anything subsides.

    I lived in that "daydream" world when I had moved out a few years ago - before I had a diagnosis. I was successful in some regards, but living next to an airport actually had a way of forcing me to accept my sensory issues. I lost all use for that daydream world, and I felt real pain. Real pain that I hadn't felt in years but which I could instantly remember so well.

    After much pleading I got to live back in with my parents, although I guess since they take my disability money and don't allow me to question how it's spent that one could say I'm still paying rent. I had a good working relationship with them since then until I started making my own moves. I had a girlfriend for once, I had an education I was working on again. That was when the sensory offensives started - opening all the windows when it was freezing cold, berating for any request to respect or understand my sensory issues.

    One night I was working on a major assignment when this "sensory offensive" happened. I asked very nicely, but I was called a manipulator, liar, and a fraud. When I disputed this my mom started stripping her clothes off while grinning at me and making fun of me for "always waiting until the last minute to do your school work, nothing's changed". From then on I couldn't do my schoolwork without seeing that. Since then my mental health has slipped. I'm not sure if my girlfriend has broken up with me because of it (she is also on the spectrum), but her parents support her. I'm not sure if she could understand, or if i'm just too much of a burden now. I told her I don't blame her whichever way it is.

    It's like I can't keep up. I wish I could move out again, be on my own, go completely no contact. I am past the point of regretting that. The awful fact is I have yet to see any sort of a group home or living situation that would be any better than this. I can't think, I can't eat.

    I've seen too much beauty in this world to consider myself suicidal. Why would I want to leave when there is always the chance of experiencing it, no matter how unlikely?

    But I feel stuck, and as long as I'm this person I will never be believed. Good god, what a nightmare.

    I'd tldr or whatever, but I can barely even feel my fingertrips. I barely know what I'm typing at this point. I apologize for that.
     
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  2. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    I feel so sorry for you, because now you know that living with parents is not, and never will be, a healthy option for you.

    Although you tried living apart from them once and it failed badly, don't see that as the end. Now you know you need to take sensory considerations into account when accepting a living situation. Eventually, it would be a good idea to try again with that in mind. An apartment share might be a possibility, or renting a room in a house. You also might be able to get a support worker to come to your place to see what you need done for you.

    For now, you'll have to do what you can to lessen the burden - put on more clothes or use a space heater, or if too warm, dress lightly and use a fan, and so on.

    I'm not excusing your parents' behavior, but whenever I give my daughter a ride anywhere, she is constantly asking for a different heating or cooling or ventilation situation in the car, often wanting several changes in a single ride. This is distracting when I am driving. And it invalidates my own sensory issues! (We are both autistic, I at a less severe level.) So your polite requests might be more aggravating to others than you are aware. Or perhaps you ask in a way that others perceive as both whiny and demanding at the same time.

    I hope you can get through this and your other ventures all right. Try to hang on to your girlfriend if possible. I don't have to tell you that relationships are not easy to come by, for a person with autism. Good luck. And once again, please don't feel I am blaming you in this post; I'm just offering a different perspective.
     
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  3. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's easy to feel stuck, but you're not. It's hard for you to focus, but try. Look around for options and don't give up - there's one out there somewhere. Even if it's figuring out a way to give yourself a separate living space - like one of those sheds that you can fix into your own home.
     
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  4. shysnail

    shysnail Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like you're in a real low point right now. You're in a really unhealthy, uncomfortable situation with your parents. You're thinking you haven't got any other avenues and that feels bleak.

    Now for the uplifting sentiment! This isn't your life forever. It's one piece. An unpleasant piece, but not the whole pie. When you moved out, near the airport, you learned something about yourself. I'm guessing the issue there was noise. I've had this too! I had no idea how much noise would be intolerable for me until I lived somewhere noisy, and felt my quality of life just plummet. It's awful, so you have my complete sympathy.

    Now it's about working out what MIGHT work for you. There are no guarantees in this life (sadly), but there is hope and there is possibility. What kind of living situations are viable for you? What can you afford? Could you live with other (less narcissistic) people? Do you need to be nearby particular things, or would you be willing to move away? Are "alternative" forms of living a possibility for you? Living in a van, in a tiny house community? There's all sorts of ways to live a life out there.

    I know how hard it can be when sensory issues make stuff seem so, so hard and like you just can't exist in the world the way it is. It's awful, but there are options out there so don't give up hope.
     
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  5. Jojo_LB

    Jojo_LB Brilliant Enigma V.I.P Member

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    Wow, great minds.. This is exactly what I thought too the multiple times I got so low to the point of suicidal ideation. It's the thought that kept me in the passive phase of it, never crossing into the active phase. Even when I got very close to starting to cross into the active planning of it a couple of times, that thought usually interrupted and I was able to snap out of feeling suicidal eventually.

    Until you can find a way to leave your parents' house, perhaps you can find comfort in online support groups, communities, etc.? When I felt totally isolated, misunderstood, and abused by the very people who were supposed to support me, I sought out others who understood, empathized, and at least validated me, didn't make me feel like I was worthless, a bad person, or crazy. When you're around people who invalidate you all the time, you're just going to feel worse. But you'll find many others (like us in this awesome community!) who will validate you, who understand what you have gone and continue to go through. Just talking to others in these communities with whom you can commiserate may be really helpful in reducing that feeling of isolation and despair.
     
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  6. H-Kath

    H-Kath Active Member

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    You know your parents are abusing you, right?
     
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  7. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    I wish you all the best at this time. I think you should move out, sounds like your parents are hurting you more than helping you.
     
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  8. novart

    novart Active Member

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    Things have taken a turn for the worse. I expressed to my girlfriend who I believed I mentioned above is on the spectrum how awful I felt. I had given her my aunt's number in case of emergency and she felt that was the time. I didn't express any will to hurt myself, just how hopeless I felt. I had gone to sleep only to awake to two police officers over my bed asking me if I was in any danger of hurting myself. I told them no and they left.

    As it turns out my girlfriend was connected to my parents via my aunt. I always feared what would happen if she talked to them. Apparently they went over everything. I told my girlfriend I am gritting my teeth and placating in every way to my parents on the surface, but that I need her to believe me. She told me she isn't giving up on me, but will be unable to talk to me until I can "stop talking smack about other people". I am devastated. We've never fought or had real disagreements. I am utterly and completely devastated. I am all alone in the world now, there isn't a single person in my life who believes me.

    Is there any hope for me finding a better life outside of this house? What am I to do?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 12, 2019
  9. novart

    novart Active Member

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    Oh god, just the realization that I am probably far past the point of my girlfriend coming back to me unless I pretend what has happened hasn't happened is such an awful feeling. She was the first one I ever had.
     
  10. novart

    novart Active Member

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    What can I do
     
  11. novart

    novart Active Member

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    As an additive, I predicted how they would try to gaslight me as a result of me going to see a trauma therapist. I told myself I wouldn't react to it, but I did. They can play me like a fiddle. I predicted I would be risking everything by seeing this specialist, and I have.
     
  12. H-Kath

    H-Kath Active Member

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    OK, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page with that before suggesting anything. Do you have access to a clinician, social worker, or therapist? I think you need to sit down with someone your parents have no access to, tell them you're being abused, your disability is being taken and spent without consulting you, and that you need to be in a quiet safe environment. They may have resources available to you.

    I'd suggest looking into low-income housing (may or may not be ideal) or roommates that are either studious or spend a lot of time out of the house at work. One thought I have would be to come up with a list of questions that would help you judge whether or not they're going to be too noisy. It might be helpful to talk to potential roommates about your sensory issues to see if they're accommodating. I think the others had some good points. There are alternative ways of living such as RVs, or tiny homes.

    I'm sorry about your girlfriend. I'd be crushed if my partner believed someone that was hurting me over me. I just want you to know that no matter how bad things are right now there is a better living situation for you out there.
     
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  13. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    You predicted this. You are in the process of learning to beat it.

    The words you use to describe yourself and events can define you.

    The above description doesn't allow for change.

    Think about the first quote. You predicted it. What else can you predict?

    Lets start a process :

    1. The sentence 'they can play me like a fiddle'
    2. How do I change this?
    3. I can already predict what their reactions will be - what can I do differently?

    Write all these things down. Go back the next day,the next week - then say to yourself 'lets start a process'

    then do a list for it.

    I use the diaro app - syncs across devices,has a password. Creates a body of work (log abuse) gives you strength and power to change.



    read up on the Karpman drama triangle.
    The Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor - What It Is and How to Get Out. - Linda Graham

    Something similar happened to me - 18 years ago. My mother attempted to undermine me by getting my girlfriend to become her confidante.

    Didn't work but it almost did. As the dynamic is difficult for an outsider to understand - as well as it is difficult for an insider to explain.

    Don't just read the link above - find all the links :)
     
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  14. novart

    novart Active Member

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    Thank for you all the advice!

    I have decided to move out (again). My parents have played up these past two days how nice they were getting me started on the first apartment to all of my family, so I've decided to call them on it and find a nice one for myself. It'll be the 4th one I've had (the previous three failed because of noise issues), but then again I wasn't diagnosed at the time. Now that I know, I believe I will have more success with some concerted effort. I'll of course be scouring these forums for that advice.

    Girlfriend may come around, we have a mutual friend who has experienced similar abuse explain it to her, but I'm just going to focus on this effort and see if she comes around with time. I really do still like her, and I don't blame her for being naive. I only wish I couldn't imagine a situation like mine!
     
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  15. novart

    novart Active Member

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    Actually the trauma therapist (I've only been to one session so far - second later today, that's how quickly the hammer came down on me!) when I mentioned it responded "Hmm...that doesn't sound right. We're going to need to look into this." So I believe that will be a big help.
     
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  16. novart

    novart Active Member

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    So glad to know I'm not the only person with that odd sense of hope in the midst of reasonable despair. Somehow I think it's a result of my autism. Just because I don't face this situation with superhuman grit doesn't mean I'm going to do myself in anymore than the world would seem to.
     
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  17. novart

    novart Active Member

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    Such a simple sentence, and yet so profound in it's realism.
     
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  18. Pinkie B

    Pinkie B Just Me

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    Hi novart,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to feel like you have no allies and to struggle with everyone telling you that you're over reacting and need to get a grip... I also know now what it's like to have people that understand and are willing to support and help you.

    I think everyone deserves an ally who will love and believe them no matter what.

    Your last couple of messages look like you are finally finding some strength to get up and make the changes you need to be in a better situation. Good for you! Ride that momentum! We're here cheering you.

    I wish I could help you in some way, but barring that I will just send my good intentions your way.

    ...Oh! And I also have sound issues with where I live (everywhere I've lived). I used to think it was because I wasn't raised in a city and just wasn't used to it but then I realized it was more than that. I suggest really high quality ear plugs. You can also get headphones that are noise-canceling and plug them into your phone so you can hear things like your alarm clock or relaxing music if you need to.
     
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  19. VAW

    VAW Member

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    This is so sad for me to read... I can't Imagine how it is to feel this way. To be a person constantly going up hill while everyone else pays no attention going down the hill easily. I have met so many people on this site and WOW I just have to give them so much credit for trying and keep going. IT has so much helped me in knowing why my son feels the way he does. You at least see beauty in this world and that is so good to hear. MY son says he feels nothing....this world isn't for him! I know it is hard, but I do give you credit to keep going, keep trying. I wish the best of luck to you and all the people on here! Sometimes all you can be is who you are! but then again other people are who they are also. They can easily close their eyes to all your struggle. My heart goes out to you and everyone with this struggle, in the words of Dory just keep swimming......
     
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  20. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like your girlfriend broke up with you because you have unresolved issues, and they must've been affecting her life. No one can expect perfection, but you can't expect a date or significant other to help you solve your problems. You need to solve your problems yourself. Anything more is a bonus. Friends can help a little. If/when you want to date again, go into it with a sense that you and the partner can make each other happy. Not that she can be a support for your issues and vice versa. That could end up happening, but then that's a bonus rather than something that should be expected.

    What will help mitigate your situation is to work on skills that make you as independent as possible- a job(s), ability to move out on your own, college degree(s) or technical school graduation, consider side jobs such as ride sharing, pet setting, child sitting, or (food) delivery possibly.