My therapist got blunt with me

[Fino]

I highly doubt the therapist hasn't already tried all of that and more and more. She didn't open with this. That would be illogical.

 

[Aspychata]

I highly doubt the therapist hasn't already tried all of that and more and more. She didn't open with this. That would be illogical.

l know an MD that said you have to sometimes do the broken record technique with the patient, you say the same thing over and over until a light goes on and they get it.

 

[Shamar]

I can tell you from personal experience (and I suspect that most here can say the same) that the best way to ensure a relationship never happens is to try and have a relationship, and the best way is to not try. For (most) women, desperation is a red flag, to be avoided at all cost. This may be why you are failing. Stop trying to force it and just live life. Relationships will happen.

I suspect this is what your therapist is trying (poorly) to say to you.

 

[Stardust Parade]

She’s right. Everyone on here has been telling you the exact same thing for a long time. There’s a saying that doing the same over and over again and hoping for a different result each time is what crazy is.

 

[Taira]

Volunteering is a way to train your social skills, and better social skills will make you more attractive to a potential love interest. I'm pretty sure your therapist is trying to help you get somewhere, instead of getting nowhere due to refusing to let go of a fixation for even a few moments.

I may also tell you I have some experiemce with trying to fix my life with love. It didn't work. Only changing my own thought patterns about a lot of things actually worked, and I've long since lost interest in the kind of love I used to fantasize about. Fantasies easily become nightmares when trying to make them real. Now I just hope to meet someone I can be around, without us wanting to wring each other's necks every other day. Every other aspect of life has seen great progress though.

 

[Markness]

Is it possible you use your focus on getting a girlfriend as a distraction from the more disturbing topic of disability and lifetime victimization? Like, "If only I had a girlfriend, everything would be okay." What if you did get one - but you were still depressed and had difficulty acting purposefully? Do you think this might be the role of your fixation on a girlfriend?

No, not really. Those things don’t cross my mind. I don’t doubt I would still be depressed but at least I wouldn’t be longing for companionship.

 

[GadAbout]

What I was suggesting is not something that would have crossed your mind. I was offering a trick your mind might be playing on yourself - an unconscioius motivation. But if it doesn't fit for you, that's okay. That's why I posed my suggestion as questions.

 

[Mister Anonymity]

I talked with my therapist today about what I’ve been going through emotionally as well as my fears about volunteering. She got rather blunt with me. She told me that I need to tell myself that I may never have a relationship and just live my life then maybe a relationship could finally happen for me. When I mentioned I still hoped I could tell her I finally got a girlfriend, she replied “I am not going to talk about it anymore. You need to move on from that.”

She thinks I need to volunteer since it will be a new experience for me and could potentially lead to something better in my life.

Believe me, my mother is exactly the same way. If you whine constantly about never having a relationship, you'll never find it. Don't go looking for people to be your friend. They'll notice quickly how out of place you are and desperate you are. Instead, cultivate some hobbies you can vigorously enjoy on your own. If someone comes along, welcome them. Never force them to be what you want them to be. If they come and go, that's okay. If they stay, more power to you. That being said, lay off your therapist. I'm under the assumption that you've repeated this to her multiple times. Eventually, she'll get bored and ignore you or change topics. Let it go. Follow your own path. Enjoy your solitude. Don't be so needy. If love comes, embrace it. If it doesn't, accept it and find something else to occupy your time. For example, take up meditation or read stoic philosophy. Take a class in something or write a blog/diary. Document your life in a journal. That's a form of release. Occupy your time wisely.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe if you understand that sometimes you get in a relationship, and it might be a lot of work for both of you. A healthy relationship can actually push both people along if they really like each other, then it's like they both show up in their best and try their best and try to see each other's view point.

But some relationships don't work this way and they don't last. So just wanting a relationship and having one isn't a guarantee of keeping it. That's why everyone here as kindly suggested that keep doing work on yourself and less on concentrating on what you don't have. There are many woman and men who like you, are also actively searching, if that helps you feel better.