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My therapist got blunt with me

Markness

Markness

Young God
V.I.P Member
I talked with my therapist today about what I’ve been going through emotionally as well as my fears about volunteering. She got rather blunt with me. She told me that I need to tell myself that I may never have a relationship and just live my life then maybe a relationship could finally happen for me. When I mentioned I still hoped I could tell her I finally got a girlfriend, she replied “I am not going to talk about it anymore. You need to move on from that.”

She thinks I need to volunteer since it will be a new experience for me and could potentially lead to something better in my life.
 
It's reasonable to assume that your therapist knows what she's doing.

How much time have you spent on thinking about never having a relationship as being a possibility in your life? A little? Never?
 
It sounds like your therapist's attention span is shorter than your lifespan.

What I mean by that is that your therapist has decided that the relationship issue is over. However, your life is not over and there's no way to predict how the rest of your life will go. Case in point: someone I knew in high school (now aged 50+) just got into their first romantic relationship. What if someone had told them 20 years ago that it would never happen?

The kindest interpretation I can find for your therapist's statement is that they want to help you with other issues, either because they consider them to be higher priority or because they feel they can make more progress in that direction.
 
She is just going on stats. It is not likely, perhaps, but you never know. I had a therapist did that to me, too. Only she laughed at me when I expressed positivity. The joke, however, is that she was correct.
 
Having relationships is overrated if those relationships all fall apart. Trying to force a relationship is a sure fail. Best to just get on with life and keep an open mind in case one does happen that works out. It is tough to be laissez-faire about it because humans - including folks on the spectrum - are usually wired to need other people. Experience speaking here.
 
You know, you may just meet someone if you do volunteer for something!!! How about that

Maybe your T is just getting to keep your mind on something else and get back to life. Doing for others is the best way to grow in ourselves, I think this is a beautiful idea. Use it to better yourself, if you like it or not. Things that are easy are rarely as useful as the difficult things.

I do wish you the best, and hope things work out great for you!
 
Au Naturel said:
Having relationships is overrated if those relationships all fall apart. Trying to force a relationship is a sure fail. Best to just get on with life and keep an open mind in case one does happen that works out. It is tough to be laissez-faire about it because humans - including folks on the spectrum - are usually wired to need other people. Experience speaking here.
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That is the trouble. If Aspies could all be independent, it would relive loads of pain and suffering and sheer agony. But many of us are not self-sufficient, are not married, and do not have trust funds sitting around. So we get dependent on people who tend to be NTs and it's a lifetime of being around shallowness and pettiness. It's hell.
 
Is it possible you use your focus on getting a girlfriend as a distraction from the more disturbing topic of disability and lifetime victimization? Like, "If only I had a girlfriend, everything would be okay." What if you did get one - but you were still depressed and had difficulty acting purposefully? Do you think this might be the role of your fixation on a girlfriend?
 
GadAbout said:
Is it possible you use your focus on getting a girlfriend as a distraction from the more disturbing topic of disability and lifetime victimization? Like, "If only I had a girlfriend, everything would be okay." What if you did get one - but you were still depressed and had difficulty acting purposefully? Do you think this might be the role of your fixation on a girlfriend?
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Whoa, very analytical. I like this. Having someone l really like is a reason to smile and stay focused on life. It's helped me communicate better. And l seem to take better care of myself. Learning to respect their boundaries , (important lesson), and state my boundaries. So perhaps this helps us grow in other areas of our life.
 
Sounds like she said exactly what we've all be saying. It's a fixation, perhaps an obsession. People on this forum destroy their precious lives and waste their precious time uselessly pining after love. It's like your eyes are stuck on a single object and you're unable to see the world around you.
 
Fino said:
Sounds like she said exactly what we've all be saying. It's a fixation, perhaps an obsession. People on this forum destroy their precious lives and waste their precious time uselessly pining after love. It's like your eyes are stuck on a single object and you're unable to see the world around you.
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Thanks Fino. The problem with being on the spectrum is our amazing ability to hyperconcentrate on totally all the wrong things in life such as having a girlfriend, etc.

If l could just take a healthly obession pill, and the rest just vacuumed out of me, then l could conquer and rule. At least most of the time.
 
"I talked with my therapist today about what I’ve been going through emotionally as well as my fears about volunteering. She got rather blunt with me. She told me that I need to tell myself that I may never have a relationship and just live my life then maybe a relationship could finally happen for me. When I mentioned I still hoped I could tell her I finally got a girlfriend, she replied “I am not going to talk about it anymore. You need to move on from that.”

She thinks I need to volunteer since it will be a new experience for me and could potentially lead to something better in my life."

I don't want to give you advice, but I have had well meaning counselors give advice based on their perception. It's taken me years to realize they were just plain wrong, although well meaning.
 
Fino said:
Sounds like she said exactly what we've all be saying. It's a fixation, perhaps an obsession. People on this forum destroy their precious lives and waste their precious time uselessly pining after love. It's like your eyes are stuck on a single object and you're unable to see the world around you.
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Aye, this is exactly it.

@Markness As I've said about 5 bazillion times: This obsession is NOT going to get you a relationship in any form. Well... it could get you a TOXIC one, as that's where this type of obsession can go. But it wont get you what you want, and is instead actually very likely to make it dramatically less likely to ever happen.

That's exactly why the therapist would say something like that. It's a forceful way of trying to get someone to think about a particular issue with a different approach, to get them to see a problem that has always been there but they couldnt see, by simply striking the problem with a hammer instead of just sort of gently pushing at it. People often complain about therapists doing this, but a skilled therapist does NOT just sit back and act super agreeable at all times. To do that would be to do their clients a grave disservice. A skilled therapist knows when to step the heck up and give someone the harsh words needed to push them forward. This is part of why many of us have been equally blunt when this subject is brought up. I've had to do it before, myself. In my case it was a frequently drunk family member, and the issue was resolved by me shrieking at them about it in front of the house in full view of the neighbors. Didnt WANT to have to do that. But it was the thing I knew would have a real effect (and it did). Sometimes... ya gotta play hardball, and knowing when to do that is part of a therapist's job. Take her words to heart, because they're darned important.

The volunteering is a good idea if done safely. You NEED things to focus on other than this obsession. You need something that can take you down a GOOD path, instead of a poisonous one.
 
What a jerk! I hate bossy therapists! She's not a psychic. She doesn't know what's in your future! Rather than comforting and encouraging you, she is just speaking all kinds of negativity. I say find another therapist.
 
Your therapist is just a naggy Karen. Just because you got some dumb degree doesn't mean you know jack about someone's life.
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To be honest Markness, I wanted to say something along the lines of what your therapist told you at that session since who knows how many threads you have created about it and you want everyone else to fill that role instead, but it looks like it's already been done.

I think the average person calls it "reverse psychology". I've been a recipient of it and it's surprisingly effective when used properly.
 
Markness said:
I talked with my therapist today about what I’ve been going through emotionally as well as my fears about volunteering. She got rather blunt with me. She told me that I need to tell myself that I may never have a relationship and just live my life then maybe a relationship could finally happen for me. When I mentioned I still hoped I could tell her I finally got a girlfriend, she replied “I am not going to talk about it anymore. You need to move on from that.”

She thinks I need to volunteer since it will be a new experience for me and could potentially lead to something better in my life.
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What she's saying is based on what she believes and is allowed,Christian psychology would be different, she's trying to help you ,in Christian teaching I've heard it's called stinkin thinkin, you spiral lower and lower, but the problem is! if she doesn't have autistic neurology she can't possibly relate to how you learn
 
I'm not sure how I feel about this. In one sense, she's not wrong.

In another sense, I've had similar things said to me and it backfired horribly because not all of us can just change our perspectives like flipping a switch (if I could, I would have done it a LONG time ago). I've spiraled in response to being told things like this.
 
Think it would be better for the t to ask why you want a girlfriend? Are you looking for human companionship, intimacy, or great friendship?

If the t asked you more questions then you can see what you really are striving for. Then t can direct you better. Just giving a blanket statement one size fits all doesn't seem helpful to me. People do obsess about things. l think thats all l did as a teenager. T should give you suggestions to help with ruminating and see if you do a lot of this in general not just with wanting a girlfriend. Maybe the core is overthinking and that needs to be addressed. Wanting a girlfriend or boyfriend is kinda of normal.

Maybe the issue is you don't feel the therapist is really helping you.
 
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