My Special interest is a Romantic person and now they are gone

[Miniguns]

Hi All,

This is my first time being here and posting and I have a huge overwhelming issue I cannot get past, I was dating a person for 5 years and because I got myself so focused on her struggles and her mental health I never realized how my autism would affect the relationship and things, we had a lot of outside interference and stresses on our relationship as well as mistakes made on my part but we stuck together,

Recently she reached a mental breaking point due to a lot going on and a protection response Her brain has walled off her attachment to me, effectively ending our relationship abruptly and maybe indefinite,

The problem is my attachment is still there, I realize I was only as functional as I was because she was my goal and my purpose, our future was what I aimed for so it was all I functioned for, now that she is gone I am in a horrendous state and don't know how to carry on,

To me, it feels like I have managed to break a soul bond, an unbreakable fact of life all because I never paid attention to my autism's effect on the relationship,

All I want is a second chance or a last chance to prove that I can change but I hate that it's always after I've broken things that I realize and regret, I am so incredibly proud of her for where she is, she's doing really good on her mental health without the favorite person attachment in her way and I would be a selfish person for stopping her progress, but I want a chance for anything in the future, I don't want this to be a solid end

I really don't know how to proceed without self-destruction, the last 5 days my head has gone in millions of ways, she still has feelings for me and still loves me, but there is a barrier between her attachment, I said I would move away if me and her couldn't be a thing because there's nothing in the area for me, she is my only friend, family and person, but I don't think I can, there is still something keeping me here, pulling me towards her and it doesn't feel like my head or delusions, we've always had this weird bond and connection and every time I go far away I feel cold,

Yesterday I tried to go bury a memory box we have together to force myself to accept the end but I kept having signs of it being a bad idea, I kept feeling something telling me not to do it and in the end I couldn't do it, on the way home I ended up running into her on the road and the odds of that timing is insanely low, I can't help but feel like this is the universe telling me that it's not over,

I want to focus on and be better at understanding my autism for her and for the future, but I have never had any help with it growing up, I have tried reaching out for help but local groups aren't available,

I don't know if I'm here asking for help or just venting either, or laying this out to see if it makes sense to others,

Has anyone else ever experienced this?

 

[Rodafina]

I’m sorry that you are feeling so badly about the end of this relationship. It can be so difficult to move on, but it is possible.

It sounds like what you had was a codependent relationship. I’m not sure that is very sustainable for anybody. As you move forward, I think it might be really important to focus more on yourself and your own desires in this life rather than meeting the needs of another person. This can ultimately be very self-destructive for us.

I don’t bring this up to criticize you, but it might be helpful to you to learn more about this habit as it can be reoccurring for many people.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-s-the-best-codependency-treatment-5070487

 

[Bolletje]

I want to focus on and be better at understanding my autism for her and for the future, but I have never had any help with it growing up, I have tried reaching out for help but local groups aren't available,

I would suggest focusing on being better at understanding your autism for you.
No matter how much this hurts, you need to focus on your wellbeing. Focus on becoming a whole person by yourself, on your own.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Similar to what Rodafina is saying, I was going to mention codependency. You mention all the things you did for your girlfriend, but what did she do for you? Is it possible she liked all the attention and support she got, rather than wanting to change or build a relationship with you. It sounds like you weren't really part of this relationship, since it didn't include many of your needs.

 

[Miniguns]

Similar to what Rodafina is saying, I was going to mention codependency. You mention all the things you did for your girlfriend, but what did she do for you? Is it possible she liked all the attention and support she got, rather than wanting to change or build a relationship with you. It sounds like you weren't really part of this relationship, since it didn't include many of your needs.

During our relationship a lot of whom I thought were my friends turned out to have alternative motives and didn't care about my happiness because I made them happy, I was a people pleaser, and once I found happiness in someone else they belittled me for it, they kept saying how I wasn't doing things for them anymore and I realized how much I was going out of my way for them all the time, I traveled further, spent more money, sacrificed more time

When I had someone giving me the time in return they turned on me, my family members always were untrustworthy but I never realized how deep that went, my girlfriend noticed controlling elements my mum was doing and once they were brought up it unwebbed a huge amount of lies and deceit by her, she had been controlling my life for a long time and not in good ways,

My girlfriend stood by me during all of this and she never let me down through any of it, she tried her hardest every single day and we do have some incredible and amazing memories together, moments of pure happiness, I did some reading up on codependency and I completely agree that is the state that I am in,

However, our relationship was not a bad one, we made each other better and struggled with each others worse sides, she made her mistakes too we both agree this was a 50/50 for blame and mistakes, she always felt like a burden with the attention I gave her and regretted needing support, she was always there for me as much as I was there for her, but her mental health was always a huge wall and aspect, it was always in the way and a incredibly huge hurdle,

I am going to improve myself and read more about codependency and whats best for me and I want to continue a friendship with her, as healthy as it would be removing her from my life completely I cannot shake this bond, and I know in my heart it is not a dependency thing, we have always had this weird connection to each other even before we dated, even before we knew each other

She's grown up with abusive parents and is an expert in hiding her feelings and her struggles, one of the first times we met she was on the back of my motorbike and I could just tell something was wrong, there were no signs in her face, or her words or her actions, she got on the back and I made it just down the road before my heart felt weird, we made it not much further and I felt there was something seriously wrong and pulled over, she broke down in my arms and I have never been able to explain it, I didn't see signs or spot things, I felt her connection and her pain and we didn't even know each other more than a week,

Our relationship wasn't bad, we have just been through so much together and we have struggled to move past mistakes on both sides

 

[Judge]

There's nothing unusual about feeling an intense sense of loss over a long-term relationship, particularly when you are the one who has been "dumped".

Though the one "red flag" I see right off, is the title of this thread. I presume you are the one on the spectrum given your use of the term "special interest", and that your former partner who left you was likely Neurotypical. "Mixed" relationships are usually quite an uphill battle to maintain for so many reasons. (All my relationships as an autistic man with NT women failed. Though it would only be decades later when I discovered I was autistic.)

Ever so often in this community we get people who post about a living person who remains their most primary special interest. Something that in general makes me cringe, as it has too many negative connotations, starting first and foremost with being "clingy" towards a significant other. Which can often repel people over time. Prominently making much of anyone "the center of your universe" is simply a destructive notion. That in as much as you can care for someone, you still have to give them their sense of space, as well as your own.

Noone can ever truly "complete you". That's something you have to do for yourself, not others. No matter how affectionate you feel about them. Whether Neurotypical or Neurodiverse, people need their sense of personal space. Otherwise I believe it can smother a relationship even with the best of intentions.

And the fact that your relationship lasted five years with lots of understandable "ups and downs", though I can't help but ask why it did not progress to something beyond someone you simply dated. No thought of marriage for either of you? Of course if there were "outside forces" pulling your relationship apart, such as meddling parents or friends, that's another matter. That can happen, especially if and when such bonds are stronger than that of your relationship to a significant other.

One thing for sure, if this breakup has happened only recently, it's completely understandable to have a deep sense of personal loss. In that respect you need to cut yourself some slack. Hopefully in time you will recover at least enough to start looking forward more than you are looking behind at the moment.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Welcome. I am sad that things did not work out, however, no other person should ever be your goal and purpose. Expecting validation and happiness from another is a good way to get neither. In one way or another we all have been there and you will see people here struggling with relationships. They require friendship, communication, compromise, and work, as partners. Leave something out and relationships fall apart. I had one fail but that provided a good lesson on what I needed. When things worked out my spouse and I have been together for 45 years and it took A LOT OF WORK BY BOTH OF US.

Learn from your experience and as @Judge said, look forward, not back. I have been told here that one cannot relitigate the past.

 

[Tom]

If I have this right, you'd respect this lady's right to end the relationship except that Fate and 'The Universe' have told you to persist?

I'm fairly sure the judge won't be buying it when they are giving you a Restraint Order.