My son: Aspergers?....School issues

[eris1028]

Hi everyone. This is my first post and I will probably write a small book. I am apologizing in advance for that!

I'm not even sure where to start. I have a bunch of jumbled thoughts that are trying hard to be cohesive.

First let me say that I joined this forum because of my 11 year old. I've been a SAHM since he was born. When he was a baby there were times were I questioned my ability as a mother because he was so VERY difficult. I thought I was doing something wrong. Most nights I went to bed in tears. Fast forward to start of school. Kindergarten was fine, home still hellacious. Teacher noticed nothing but a precocious 5 year old. And he was only there for half a day anyway. First grade was when the real issues started.

He is very bright, been identified as gifted. He is in 6th grade now and been reading at a high school level for almost 2 years now. Setting that aside, he has a million behavioral issues.
I have spent a good portion of his school years in conference after conference with his teachers. We used every avenue we could think of to help control his constant correcting of the teachers, trying to figure out why he couldn't thrive in a social setting, his lack of a filter when he spoke, his frequent in-class meltdowns. (And dear lord are they ever meltdowns.) Even now his meltdowns can rival that of the "terrible twos."
Nothing worked.

Finally, in 3rd grade the school psychologist observed him and did the Conner's scale. (for ADHD)
His initial DX was ADHD. But after a horrific bout with ADHD meds(he became very violent, suicidal, morbid thoughts etc) the psychiatrist pulled him off and DXed him bipolar. We switched to Abilify. That seemed to help mellow out some of the issues. But then he developed a bad facial tic and had to be taken off. We went through several meds after that, but NOTHING helped even a little. Somehow we landed back on a lower dosage of Abilify again. In the process of switching meds, trying to figure out what would work, somewhere the DX changed to Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I had no idea that his DX had changed until I told the school he was bipolar and they corrected me based on info from the good Dr. I was pretty embarrassed.

I have tried telling the psychiatrist that I am not really seeing any improvement at all. But he is simply refusing to make changes. I have tried looking for a new psychiatrist to no avail. Everyone is "not taking new patients" or a waiting list of a year or longer. I have felt like none of these DXS really fit him. His current diagnoses is the worst fit in my head. ODD comes with a person that apparently gets pleasure after having melt downs and angry outbursts. I can assure you there is NOTHING happy about my son after we go through a rough spot.

Fast forward to this week. Someone brought Asperger's to my attention. I have a family member with a pretty severe case of Asperger's. In my head there was no way that could be my son. Until I really started reading about it. And I realized just how much of it fit. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I have been reading a story about my son this week. Like someone stayed with us for a while and wrote a book about him. The outbursts, the hand motions, the shocking things that he says (but when pointed out to him he can't understand why they are so shocking or rude), the obsessions with things, the never fitting in anywhere. The list goes on. And On. And on.(any of this sound familiar?) Needless to say my emotions have rivaled his this week. I have been on a roller coaster.

I know most of you probably have a formal DX for yourself or the loved one in your life. Please don't judge me that he doesn't-yet. I'm working that direction. I found a few dr's that directly deal with Asperger's/Autism Spectrum, and have called and e-mailed. I am waiting for responses from them to hopefully get the ball rolling.

I am also working on a meeting with his teacher and his school counselor. He started a new school this year, a charter school. In some aspects it is going well, in others it is not. He has seemed to finally find a place where he can make friends. At least more than the 1 he had in his old school. The school is Science, Technology, Engineering and Math. There are a lot of kids there that don't fit the mold of an average 11 year old. He seems to be doing much better from a social aspect because he has found kids that share his same obsessions, that will listen to him talk about them day in and day out, because that's what they like too. I am ever so grateful for that. Seeing him so lonely and so outcast as his old school was heartbreaking for me. I watched friends he got very close to pull away from him because of how different he is, and I hated that there was nothing I could do about it.

But his grades are suffering now. And here is where I have a few questions. Because with Asperger's/Autism spectrum being a very real possibility I am feeling a bit lost.

He has always been a straight A student. In his whole elementary life he only brought home 1 B and he was devastated. End of the grading period as his new school was this week. He's bringing home all A's and B's and one C. The C is the problem. The grading scale is much different. There is A,B, C and F. No D because the percentages for each letter grade are so large. His C is 2 points away from an F/ 69%. What the bad grade is coming from: A total inability to organize, he has to assignments that he lost and didn't turn in. Those give him automatic zeros. And one bad grade on a project. I have seen issues that were minor in elementary turn into MAJOR now that he is in middle school. He has a total inability to manage time. With the lacking organizational skills, he is really floundering. I should mention that this isn't the only class he has a missing assignment in. Just the only one where he has 2 plus a bad grade on a big project.

Going with the current literal diagnoses, I thought his organizational skills were him just being lazy to be honest. I have been pretty hard on him this year because he is not doing as well as he normally does. I told him last week that if he brought home a C he was grounded. Apparently that affected him bad enough to have a pretty intense meltdown in class when he realized he was getting a C.

So my question is this. With the super strong suspicion that he falls somewhere on the spectrum, am I expecting to much currently? He has gone through some pretty overwhelming changes. A city move (for his school) a school change, being with me full time and only seeing his dad every other weekend. I know it's probably a muddled wreck in his head right now. Combining that with the fact that changing from elementary to middle school is hard enough for the NT child, let alone him. I feel like maybe he hasn't been given the proper tools that he needs to succeed here, because I didn't know what I was dealing with. That maybe I am putting to much pressure without understanding that potentially some of the skills that he doesn't have aren't from having a lack of motivation but because his head makes it incredibly difficult for him. Do I stick with the punishment I told him-keeping my expectations high? Or do I explain that with is being first quarter and having issues that need a lot of work (hopefully the right dr can help) that he has the next quarter to make it up? I don't know. I don't even know if I expect an answer from anyone. I just need to let this all out somewhere.

I am feeling really overwhelmed right now by this. (and a lot of other issues with him. I just figured this was already long enough.) I am also feeling major guilt that he potentially hasn't been getting the kind of treatment he needs. Like that is my failing as a parent somehow. And sad. And some relief because finally, in almost 12 years, I feel like I am going in the right direction for him.

Anwho..If you wasted time in your day to read this, I really do appreciate it. If anyone has any suggestions about what I asked, or well, really anything to do with this whole situation, I would really appreciate that also.
( and I am sorry as this is not quite as abridged as I thought it would be)

Thanks!

 

[wyverary]

First off - welcome!

I suffered the same problems your son did when he was at that age...All of a sudden, my organizational skills were zero, I almost completely lacked executive functioning (ability to plan and follow through, for example), and my grades plummeted (I had always been a very smart, straight-A student, also reading well above my grade level). Meltdowns since childhood that didn't stop.

From what you say about his reading skills and his organizational problems, it sounds like he may have what's called Nonverbal Learning Disorder, a common co-morbid condition (or, some say, a slight variant) of Aspergers.

It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to help your son. You've recognized the signs, and you are trying to find a specialist.

As for how to deal with the behavioral problems? I wish I knew how to help you there; perhaps some fellow parents on the site can offer some insight.

Best,
wyv

 

[Ereth]

I really don't think punishments for bad grades are the way to go unless your son is blowing off his schoolwork on purpose. Why increase his anxiety?

I wasn't diagnosed with ASD until the end of college, but my parents always told me to do the best I could in school. Most of the time I did get As, but sometimes I would get Bs, and rarely, Cs or worse. When that happened I didn't get yelled at or grounded---instead, Mom and Dad offered to help me understand what went wrong so I could do better next time.

 

[eris1028]

First off - welcome!

I suffered the same problems your son did when he was at that age...All of a sudden, my organizational skills were zero, I almost completely lacked executive functioning (ability to plan and follow through, for example), and my grades plummeted (I had always been a very smart, straight-A student, also reading well above my grade level). Meltdowns since childhood that didn't stop.

From what you say about his reading skills and his organizational problems, it sounds like he may have what's called Nonverbal Learning Disorder, a common co-morbid condition (or, some say, a slight variant) of Aspergers.

It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to help your son. You've recognized the signs, and you are trying to find a specialist.

As for how to deal with the behavioral problems? I wish I knew how to help you there; perhaps some fellow parents on the site can offer some insight.

Best,
wyv

Wow. The NVLD applies very strongly as well. He is almost 12 and JUST learned to ride a bike last year. Still can't tie his shoe to save his life. Definitely has the advanced vocab. No common sense at all. Coordination is non-existent. On and on. I have been in touch with a dr that does neurophysical testing. But again, waiting on a response. Im praying that one of the two Drs I have emailed are accepting new patients and will schedule him.
I feel like the longer he goes on with this crap ODD diagnoses the worse he is going to get because he is not getting the proper therapy he needs.
He's so bright and witty and I don't want him falling through the cracks because he has been written off as a bad kid. He has issues, that's for sure. But I know him better than anyone and he really isn't a bad kid.

 

[eris1028]

I really don't think punishments for bad grades are the way to go unless your son is blowing off his schoolwork on purpose. Why increase his anxiety?

I wasn't diagnosed with ASD until the end of college, but my parents always told me to do the best I could in school. Most of the time I did get As, but sometimes I would get Bs, and rarely, Cs or worse. When that happened I didn't get yelled at or grounded---instead, Mom and Dad offered to help me understand what went wrong so I could do better next time.

In response to blowing it off... The major project he got a bad grade on was because he decided that he didn't need to bring it home over the weekend and work on it. So, in essence, he kind of is blowing it off. The two missed assignments though, were both lost and thus not turned in. But this applies to his organizational skills. So if he hadnt lost the papers, even with the one bad grade, his grade still would not be so low. This is my issue with not knowing what to do.

And dear lord. Your parents were LUCKY! I wish that going over what to do next time helped improve anything. In the course of the conversation, you feel like you got somewhere or had a breathrough only to see him returning to the exact same behaviors the next week. or sometimes even the next day!

 

[Ereth]

Does your son have a separate folder for his homework? Consider getting several (in the event that one or more are lost or get worn out) and make sure he puts his homework in one of them to take home.

 

[eris1028]

Does your son have a separate folder for his homework? Consider getting several (in the event that one or more are lost or get worn out) and make sure he puts his homework in one of them to take home.

He does. He has binders for each specific class to keep things in. But he wont use them or bring them home. Homework comes home as loose papers that he usually gets done and then manages to lose somewhere between the school bus and school the next day.
We've argued over binder use until Im blue in the face and I get nowhere. He has it stuck in his head that he doesn't need them. Even though there have been very clear consequences from it now obviously. Once he gets an idea stuck in his head there is absolutely no way to change his mind.

 

[Ereth]

He does. He has binders for each specific class to keep things in. But he wont use them or bring them home. Homework comes home as loose papers that he usually gets done and then manages to lose somewhere between the school bus and school the next day.
We've argued over binder use until Im blue in the face and I get nowhere. He has it stuck in his head that he doesn't need them. Even though there have been very clear consequences from it now obviously. Once he gets an idea stuck in his head there is absolutely no way to change his mind.

Then you could take the initiative and put those loose papers in a folder for him. Get him to put it in his bag. Even if he doesn't want to use it himself, he should get used to seeing it. In time, I think, he should be able to do this himself. But for now, he obviously needs a safe place for his homework, and one that you know about so you don't have to go digging through his bag.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I won't be able to attempt a formal diagnosis on myself for another 15 years, I'm the last person who'll judge you. =)

Do they still allow backpacks in schools or have those been outlawed yet from all the shootings? You could get around the binder thing and just store things in his backpack. It'd be kinda cool if they made a 5-part backpack or something, then he could put all his papers for one class in one compartment. If you're good at sewing, you might could make one!

I'd definitely ease up on the grades either way. Anxiety alone can cause worse grades.

There is another friend of mine elsewhere who's son is about 11 and he's non-verbal autistic. He was getting progressively harder to handle and more violent. Homeschooling was the answer for her and let him make a 180 turn, grades improving and all. Admittedly, a rather difficult thing to do if you're a single parent working long hours unless you work from home... I don't know what kind of neighborhood you live in, but my mother was letting me stay home alone for a few hours at a time at that age. If you've got a kind neighbor or somebody, homeschooling might still be an option, and then you could oversee lessons when you come in from work. He could do reading assignments or other easy things while you're gone, and then tests and stuff when you're back. (I was homeschooled, so naturally I'm biased toward it.)

And go buy a nice candle for each of you so you both can have long soaks in the tub. You two are under waaay too much stress. =(

 

[bentHnau]

I say aggressive organizational skills intervention. Even if he doesn't like it, you can sell it as better than being grounded or otherwise punished.

Not quite sure why you are seeking therapy — are the class outbursts and meltdowns that bad? How about working with the teachers on a signal he can use to request to step outside if he feels himself about to explode + a seat near the door? Or headphones to temporarily block out what's happening in the classroom? And writing his corrections down to share with the teacher later rather than during class time? Basically an ad-hoc social skills program until you get the therapy.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

Hi everyone. This is my first post and I will probably write a small book. I am apologizing in advance for that!

I'm not even sure where to start. I have a bunch of jumbled thoughts that are trying hard to be cohesive.

First let me say that I joined this forum because of my 11 year old. I've been a SAHM since he was born. When he was a baby there were times were I questioned my ability as a mother because he was so VERY difficult. I thought I was doing something wrong. Most nights I went to bed in tears. Fast forward to start of school. Kindergarten was fine, home still hellacious. Teacher noticed nothing but a precocious 5 year old. And he was only there for half a day anyway. First grade was when the real issues started.

He is very bright, been identified as gifted. He is in 6th grade now and been reading at a high school level for almost 2 years now. Setting that aside, he has a million behavioral issues.
I have spent a good portion of his school years in conference after conference with his teachers. We used every avenue we could think of to help control his constant correcting of the teachers, trying to figure out why he couldn't thrive in a social setting, his lack of a filter when he spoke, his frequent in-class meltdowns. (And dear lord are they ever meltdowns.) Even now his meltdowns can rival that of the "terrible twos."
Nothing worked.

Finally, in 3rd grade the school psychologist observed him and did the Conner's scale. (for ADHD)
His initial DX was ADHD. But after a horrific bout with ADHD meds(he became very violent, suicidal, morbid thoughts etc) the psychiatrist pulled him off and DXed him bipolar. We switched to Abilify. That seemed to help mellow out some of the issues. But then he developed a bad facial tic and had to be taken off. We went through several meds after that, but NOTHING helped even a little. Somehow we landed back on a lower dosage of Abilify again. In the process of switching meds, trying to figure out what would work, somewhere the DX changed to Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I had no idea that his DX had changed until I told the school he was bipolar and they corrected me based on info from the good Dr. I was pretty embarrassed.

I have tried telling the psychiatrist that I am not really seeing any improvement at all. But he is simply refusing to make changes. I have tried looking for a new psychiatrist to no avail. Everyone is "not taking new patients" or a waiting list of a year or longer. I have felt like none of these DXS really fit him. His current diagnoses is the worst fit in my head. ODD comes with a person that apparently gets pleasure after having melt downs and angry outbursts. I can assure you there is NOTHING happy about my son after we go through a rough spot.

Fast forward to this week. Someone brought Asperger's to my attention. I have a family member with a pretty severe case of Asperger's. In my head there was no way that could be my son. Until I really started reading about it. And I realized just how much of it fit. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel like I have been reading a story about my son this week. Like someone stayed with us for a while and wrote a book about him. The outbursts, the hand motions, the shocking things that he says (but when pointed out to him he can't understand why they are so shocking or rude), the obsessions with things, the never fitting in anywhere. The list goes on. And On. And on.(any of this sound familiar?) Needless to say my emotions have rivaled his this week. I have been on a roller coaster.

I know most of you probably have a formal DX for yourself or the loved one in your life. Please don't judge me that he doesn't-yet. I'm working that direction. I found a few dr's that directly deal with Asperger's/Autism Spectrum, and have called and e-mailed. I am waiting for responses from them to hopefully get the ball rolling.

I am also working on a meeting with his teacher and his school counselor. He started a new school this year, a charter school. In some aspects it is going well, in others it is not. He has seemed to finally find a place where he can make friends. At least more than the 1 he had in his old school. The school is Science, Technology, Engineering and Math. There are a lot of kids there that don't fit the mold of an average 11 year old. He seems to be doing much better from a social aspect because he has found kids that share his same obsessions, that will listen to him talk about them day in and day out, because that's what they like too. I am ever so grateful for that. Seeing him so lonely and so outcast as his old school was heartbreaking for me. I watched friends he got very close to pull away from him because of how different he is, and I hated that there was nothing I could do about it.

But his grades are suffering now. And here is where I have a few questions. Because with Asperger's/Autism spectrum being a very real possibility I am feeling a bit lost.

He has always been a straight A student. In his whole elementary life he only brought home 1 B and he was devastated. End of the grading period as his new school was this week. He's bringing home all A's and B's and one C. The C is the problem. The grading scale is much different. There is A,B, C and F. No D because the percentages for each letter grade are so large. His C is 2 points away from an F/ 69%. What the bad grade is coming from: A total inability to organize, he has to assignments that he lost and didn't turn in. Those give him automatic zeros. And one bad grade on a project. I have seen issues that were minor in elementary turn into MAJOR now that he is in middle school. He has a total inability to manage time. With the lacking organizational skills, he is really floundering. I should mention that this isn't the only class he has a missing assignment in. Just the only one where he has 2 plus a bad grade on a big project.

Going with the current literal diagnoses, I thought his organizational skills were him just being lazy to be honest. I have been pretty hard on him this year because he is not doing as well as he normally does. I told him last week that if he brought home a C he was grounded. Apparently that affected him bad enough to have a pretty intense meltdown in class when he realized he was getting a C.

So my question is this. With the super strong suspicion that he falls somewhere on the spectrum, am I expecting to much currently? He has gone through some pretty overwhelming changes. A city move (for his school) a school change, being with me full time and only seeing his dad every other weekend. I know it's probably a muddled wreck in his head right now. Combining that with the fact that changing from elementary to middle school is hard enough for the NT child, let alone him. I feel like maybe he hasn't been given the proper tools that he needs to succeed here, because I didn't know what I was dealing with. That maybe I am putting to much pressure without understanding that potentially some of the skills that he doesn't have aren't from having a lack of motivation but because his head makes it incredibly difficult for him. Do I stick with the punishment I told him-keeping my expectations high? Or do I explain that with is being first quarter and having issues that need a lot of work (hopefully the right dr can help) that he has the next quarter to make it up? I don't know. I don't even know if I expect an answer from anyone. I just need to let this all out somewhere.

I am feeling really overwhelmed right now by this. (and a lot of other issues with him. I just figured this was already long enough.) I am also feeling major guilt that he potentially hasn't been getting the kind of treatment he needs. Like that is my failing as a parent somehow. And sad. And some relief because finally, in almost 12 years, I feel like I am going in the right direction for him.

Anwho..If you wasted time in your day to read this, I really do appreciate it. If anyone has any suggestions about what I asked, or well, really anything to do with this whole situation, I would really appreciate that also.
( and I am sorry as this is not quite as abridged as I thought it would be)

Thanks!

Take a deep breath, you will get through this, and find a psychologist that specializes with ASD. Schedule a test, once you have a diagnosis there are resources.

As far as his grades, Independent Study courses did wonders for me.

 

[Peace]

Hi Mom,
If it is not Aspergers, it is likely thew first known case of something that mocks it.
Do NOT feel guilty. You are going above and beyond for your child, It is natural to feel inadequate as it is extremely difficult to deal with when you know what it is, let alone not knowing. It is common for us to be misdiagnosed. ADD, ADHD, and Bi Polar are either common misdiagnoses or common conditions with Aspergers.
I can understand your child's position and frustration wit all that is happening. Change is difficult for us (usually), and some of us (me especially) suffer from an inability to be organized. To this day, If I even attempt to take care of finances, I become paralyzed.
I'm quite sure your son is not lazy as you describe all that he puts into his special interests. It is just that we have an On /Off switch and nothing in between. This, combined with his lack of organizational skills (like his lack of a filter), paint the true picture of a child who is being judged using the wrong scale.
If it were me at this point, I think I would sit down with him (when he is in a good mood), and discuss these things with him. Be open and honest. Tell him that you think you have found some information that will likely help others to understand him better. Tell him that you may have been looking at his grades through your experiences instead of his. You now realize that there may be things that you did not understand and that you should maybe hold off on the punishment as you work with this new information. His meltdown is likely frustration from feeling like he has done nothing wrong, but is being punished anyways.
I would also start taking more of an assertive role with his care. These "Experts" are far from having all of the answers. You live with your son, and you love him. YOU will know more about him than anyone else. That is why Finding out about Aspergers suddenly made you bare to the world. Exposed, observed, even spied on. You immediately recognized the similarities. These others have to study him, and then a guess (called a diagnosis) is the best they will ever be able to do.
His diet is key to helping his behavior. Sugar is your enemy. he may have others like Gluten or dairy. Unprocessed foods such as simple meats, natural eggs, vegetables and nuts should likely comprise most of his diet, although he is likely a picky eater, as well as a picky dresser.
As far as his school work goes, who says that his interpretation of "Good Work" should conform to everyone elses? As for the binders not working, Have you asked him what kind of system he thinks might work? Yoy said he was very intelligent. If he taked responsibility for his behavior he may do a better job with it. He may kenjoy being involved in the decision making and put more of an effort into it's success
There is a lot you do to work on his behavior as well, I just cannot write anymore right now.
Good Luck.

 

[Flinty]

It'd be kinda cool if they made a 5-part backpack or something, then he could put all his papers for one class in one compartment.

If I have a four-parter (and I do), then a five-parter likely exists somewhere. It's a matter of the distribution of the parts; mine is in a kind of a layer system.

Is there some sort of technological solution to keeping track of his work? At his age he is likely able to handle that.

 

[eris1028]

Then you could take the initiative and put those loose papers in a folder for him. Get him to put it in his bag. Even if he doesn't want to use it himself, he should get used to seeing it. In time, I think, he should be able to do this himself. But for now, he obviously needs a safe place for his homework, and one that you know about so you don't have to go digging through his bag.

He's almost 12, So I have a hard time reconciling with the fact that I STILL have to do this stuff for him. That being said, it doesn't mean I won't and/or haven't done it. That's a method is practice that we have used for the last 3 years. It doesn't stick anymore than him remembering to brush his teeth without being told EVERY SINGLE day.

 

[eris1028]

I won't be able to attempt a formal diagnosis on myself for another 15 years, I'm the last person who'll judge you. =)

Do they still allow backpacks in schools or have those been outlawed yet from all the shootings? You could get around the binder thing and just store things in his backpack. It'd be kinda cool if they made a 5-part backpack or something, then he could put all his papers for one class in one compartment. If you're good at sewing, you might could make one!

I'd definitely ease up on the grades either way. Anxiety alone can cause worse grades.

There is another friend of mine elsewhere who's son is about 11 and he's non-verbal autistic. He was getting progressively harder to handle and more violent. Homeschooling was the answer for her and let him make a 180 turn, grades improving and all. Admittedly, a rather difficult thing to do if you're a single parent working long hours unless you work from home... I don't know what kind of neighborhood you live in, but my mother was letting me stay home alone for a few hours at a time at that age. If you've got a kind neighbor or somebody, homeschooling might still be an option, and then you could oversee lessons when you come in from work. He could do reading assignments or other easy things while you're gone, and then tests and stuff when you're back. (I was homeschooled, so naturally I'm biased toward it.)

And go buy a nice candle for each of you so you both can have long soaks in the tub. You two are under waaay too much stress. =(

Shockingly, they are still allowed. But eventually they probably won't be. He has a nice bookbag. One with several different compartments. Will he use it? HAH. He took it to school the first week and I didn't see it again until 2 weeks ago when I had to be at the school and I picked it up from his cubby.

I briefly debated homeschooling. I was homeschooled for a time myself. But realized that isn't really a good option for him for a few reasons. First and foremost, I know social skills are incredibly difficult for him, and I feel taking him out of the only environment where he can be with kids his own age on a regular basis would be detrimental to that. Second, it's more my own shortcomings than his. As sad as this sounds, some days with him are so difficult and exhausting that school is my respite.

The candle and a bath sound like a PHENOMENAL idea!

 

[eris1028]

I say aggressive organizational skills intervention. Even if he doesn't like it, you can sell it as better than being grounded or otherwise punished.

Not quite sure why you are seeking therapy — are the class outbursts and meltdowns that bad? How about working with the teachers on a signal he can use to request to step outside if he feels himself about to explode + a seat near the door? Or headphones to temporarily block out what's happening in the classroom? And writing his corrections down to share with the teacher later rather than during class time? Basically an ad-hoc social skills program until you get the therapy.

From the start of school until the current, I have been in more parent meetings than I care to count. He has been pulled out of class so frequently for his meltdowns. Not anger, but tears, and LOTS of them. He has to be sent to the hall where it can take him anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour to come back to earth. If you go through the list of things that come along with Autism/Aspergers, I can tic almost every box for him. So academically, until this year, he has been doing well. But behaviorally, he needs a lot of help. The therapy for the bipolar and ODD dx that he has been stuck with for a handful of years now has not been beneficial in any way I feel. We had an appointment today with a psychologist that specialized in Autism Spec disorders and he strongly feels that my son falls under the spectrum. We have an appt scheduled on the 31st for a three hour block of testing. The conventional methods that tend to work for other children don't work for him.

As for working with the teachers. This is his first year in the school he is in. Prior to, I hand held with ALL the teachers. No one was willing to offer any solutions. Rather just send him to the hall or the principal's office. I offered solutions that no one implemented. The school psychologist was involved for almost 3 years and all he EVER said was let's just observe and figure out what to do. Without, of course, figuring out squat. This is the FIRST year that an educator offered any solutions. There is a particular issue that is disruptive to the learning environment that the school counselor offered a solution for. Knowing him, it will probably work. But it's something that I wouldn't have come up with own. I pretty much almost cried with relief. At a meeting I had with 2 days ago, the teacher also brought up, unprompted by me, that she feels he might be on the spectrum. (she used to work in a specialized school for children with autism) Until the therapy starts, I feel like this set of teachers are willing to work with him. I am so grateful for that!

Backing up to what you said at first. You can talk to this child for an hour and at the end of the conversation you feel like you have gotten through to him. But the very next day the same behavior happens again. It's like a reality break sometimes. Some things I feel are totally out of his control, and others I think he just doesn't understand at all.

 

[eris1028]

Take a deep breath, you will get through this, and find a psychologist that specializes with ASD. Schedule a test, once you have a diagnosis there are resources.

As far as his grades, Independent Study courses did wonders for me.

We had an appt with a psychologist today. Finally. He feels like we are on the right track and that the bipolar and ODD dx's he has had don't fit the profile for his issues. We scheduled his testing on the 31st. A three hour block of time. Wish it were sooner. I know we have waited forever to get here, but now that I feel like we are headed the right direction, the waiting is really hard.


I don't think the grades are so much the issue, as getting him organized enough to not lose his work. I have a hard time teaching him that because I am not so organized myself. And as many options as he has been given, none of them seem to stick. I am hoping with the proper diagnoses that the teachers will be able to make more of the accomodations that he needs to succeed. And that the psychologist will be able to teach him ( and show me how to help) better ways to get organized. They do have study table at school. It is an after school program that is probably much like what you mentioned. I thought about it. But since, for the most part, it's not getting the work done that is a problem, it's finding it the next day, I don't know that that will help that issue.

 

[eris1028]

Hi Mom,
If it is not Aspergers, it is likely thew first known case of something that mocks it.
Do NOT feel guilty. You are going above and beyond for your child, It is natural to feel inadequate as it is extremely difficult to deal with when you know what it is, let alone not knowing. It is common for us to be misdiagnosed. ADD, ADHD, and Bi Polar are either common misdiagnoses or common conditions with Aspergers.
I can understand your child's position and frustration wit all that is happening. Change is difficult for us (usually), and some of us (me especially) suffer from an inability to be organized. To this day, If I even attempt to take care of finances, I become paralyzed.
I'm quite sure your son is not lazy as you describe all that he puts into his special interests. It is just that we have an On /Off switch and nothing in between. This, combined with his lack of organizational skills (like his lack of a filter), paint the true picture of a child who is being judged using the wrong scale.
If it were me at this point, I think I would sit down with him (when he is in a good mood), and discuss these things with him. Be open and honest. Tell him that you think you have found some information that will likely help others to understand him better. Tell him that you may have been looking at his grades through your experiences instead of his. You now realize that there may be things that you did not understand and that you should maybe hold off on the punishment as you work with this new information. His meltdown is likely frustration from feeling like he has done nothing wrong, but is being punished anyways.
I would also start taking more of an assertive role with his care. These "Experts" are far from having all of the answers. You live with your son, and you love him. YOU will know more about him than anyone else. That is why Finding out about Aspergers suddenly made you bare to the world. Exposed, observed, even spied on. You immediately recognized the similarities. These others have to study him, and then a guess (called a diagnosis) is the best they will ever be able to do.
His diet is key to helping his behavior. Sugar is your enemy. he may have others like Gluten or dairy. Unprocessed foods such as simple meats, natural eggs, vegetables and nuts should likely comprise most of his diet, although he is likely a picky eater, as well as a picky dresser.
As far as his school work goes, who says that his interpretation of "Good Work" should conform to everyone elses? As for the binders not working, Have you asked him what kind of system he thinks might work? Yoy said he was very intelligent. If he taked responsibility for his behavior he may do a better job with it. He may kenjoy being involved in the decision making and put more of an effort into it's success
There is a lot you do to work on his behavior as well, I just cannot write anymore right now.
Good Luck.

I just had a conversation with him a few nights ago about the possibility of this diagnoses. His response was not positive initially. He says that some kids have said people who are Autistic because they were "dropped on their heads when they were a baby." I corrected that thought process. I explained to him that is he is diagnosed with it, it likely explains some things. And while there are problems he may never be able to get full control over, knowing what his problems are will help people shift their mind sets and be more beneficial to him. That includes myself as I know I have lost my patience a million times because I have had a difficult time understanding some of the things he says and does. I can say, that since finding out all this information, I have definitely made a shift in my attitude. It's easier for me to grasp certain things than it was before. I realize now, that if something comes out of his mouth that shocks me, it doesn't mean he was being rude necessarily, but that he was making an observation. Gently correct, tell him something more proper to say, and move on. Yelling at him or telling him he was being mean simply doesn't and may not ever click for him. By the end of the conversation with him, I feel like he had a more positive attitude towards how this DX will be beneficial towards him.

I know my main question in my post was about his grades and I think I have come to that decision. This year is much different in expectations for organization...much. He hasn't been given PROPER direction that works with his brain, I don't think, EVER. Knowing that, I'm going to give it some time. I feel like it is unfair to ground him without him being taught what works for him. On top of that, there are probably exeptions that can and will be made with the proper DX. His teacher informed me that frequently T forgets things in his cubby (locker) and while she sometimes allows him to go get them, points get docked for not being prepared. Plus he has to use a bathroom pass. I think that being taught proper techniques and having some exceptions made, will help immensely. I understand that the average child should be able to do this, but he isn't average.

His "experts" up until today have sucked, for lack of a better word. You are absolutely 100% right. I SHOULD have been more assertive. It's been the past year that I have really felt like we were going nowhere and that his DX wasn't right. I should have dug in deeper a year ago instead of waiting. I severely regret now that I did not. I am grateful that we found the right path and the right dr who knows what he is talking about and willing to help my kiddo. As much of a handful as he can be, he's my pride and joy. All the crap he's been through in the last several years at school really kills me because had I known better, much of it could have been prevented or at least lessened.

I have been digging into Autism hard the last few days. Looking at some natural remedies. Things I can potentially do at home until therapy is in full effect. or in conjunction with therapy. I have just started reading about the diet issues. My boyfriend is gluten sensitive, so I already watch what I make for him. I just haven't applied it to my son also. It won't be a hard transition to do that for him since I already know how to do that. The pickiness of his eating is absurd. He will eat almost anything I cook, but for the most part, there is always something "wrong" with it, It's too soft, or too hard or needs more _____(fill in the blank) etc. I used to think he was being a butt. But again, now my mindset has changed or is changing.

Picky dresser. Yes. Yes. Yes. No tags, no sweaters of any kind (they are too itchy) no buttons please! Once he settles on clothes he will wear, then getting them on the right way is another battle. One I kind of gave up on fighting a long time ago. If he wants to wear plaid shorts backwards and a polkadot shirt, I honestly don't care anymore. I consider it a success finding things he will wear comfortably without complaint. May I just say THANK YOU to Hanes for the tagless Tees. Now if only ALLLLLL clothing makers would switch to that life would be a little less complicated. LOL

I did ask him a few weeks ago what he thinks would help him. One of his solutions was to have the teachers do something or other. At the time, i told him no way, that it was on his shoulders. This was pre-"maybe autism" i don't remember exactly what his solution was because I shut it down. Now, I will ask him again. If we get the diagnoses, whatever his solution was, if it's a reasonable solution, I will bring it up to the teachers. I actually will sit down tonight with him and have this conversation again and REALLY listen this time instead of thinking what he thinks will work for him is too far out there.

 

[eris1028]

If I have a four-parter (and I do), then a five-parter likely exists somewhere. It's a matter of the distribution of the parts; mine is in a kind of a layer system.

Is there some sort of technological solution to keeping track of his work? At his age he is likely able to handle that.

I'm not sure how that could be implemented for him. It would be nice if his homewor

 

[AsheSkyler]

Shockingly, they are still allowed. But eventually they probably won't be. He has a nice bookbag. One with several different compartments. Will he use it? HAH. He took it to school the first week and I didn't see it again until 2 weeks ago when I had to be at the school and I picked it up from his cubby.

I briefly debated homeschooling. I was homeschooled for a time myself. But realized that isn't really a good option for him for a few reasons. First and foremost, I know social skills are incredibly difficult for him, and I feel taking him out of the only environment where he can be with kids his own age on a regular basis would be detrimental to that. Second, it's more my own shortcomings than his. As sad as this sounds, some days with him are so difficult and exhausting that school is my respite.

The candle and a bath sound like a PHENOMENAL idea!

So much for the back pack... Heck, get some duct tape and just tape his work to him! Heehee.

I understand. Teaching isn't for everybody and right now with a toddler 24/7 I totally understand your desire for a wee break!

Do you have a special needs school close by? Since everybody from parents to teachers to random folks on the internet think he's autistic, and likely he'll test positive at his appointment, maybe you could find a new school for him that's meant to be quieter and accommodating of his needs if his current school doesn't already have a section devoted to it. Never dealt with one myself, but I have a few friends that work as volunteers and subs at special schools, so I assume they're fairly common. One of which was telling about all these cool new apps they had for the non-verbal ones and another few apps break info down more easily in general for autistic kids.