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My boyfriend has outburst and I have never experienced something like this before.

J

jay77

New Member
Hi everyone. My name is jay and I am so new to this all. I started dating someone two months ago. We seen each other on and off for a month and I never once thought he had high functioning autism. He didnt tell me until after we were facebook official and I thought he was just saying silly things to me because sometimes he does that.

There is so many amazing qualities he has but there is just moments where I question if I can manage this long term. In the time we have been together I have only seen him have an outburst twice but it has been recent and close together. I dont want it to continue. On valentines day Feb 14 and last night.

His state turns violent towards himself and I have never seen someone hit themselves and all I can do is cry because it scary. He bruised up his cheekbones and caused one of his eyes to have red blood looking spot. I have read online that it can happen when he feels he has no control over the situation I just dont know what to do.

When it happens I usually dont say anything because I am scared it will be the wrong thing and make it worse. He also saids things that are very hurtful during the episodes like that I make him do this and why do I turn him into this and I am the only person in his life and If I break up with him he will hurt himself..

He is also very obsessed with my phone like he thinks im upto something. I have told him to go through my phone and he has and he saids it because he has been cheated on before but he still continue to ask everytime my phone goes off who it is when it my family normally.

I just feel like I am walking on egg shells sometimes. He is one of the best boyfriends I have ever had he is hands on helps me with anything I need and so loving. Im afraid his controlling habbit's over me and these episodes may be to much for me over time.
 
Your right to think that these tendencies toward self-harm and outbursts in general have become a difficult problem to deal with. This has nothing to do with autism. This is more about paranoia and mistrust and control. The fact that he blames you when he does these things is a red flag. Go with your thoughts on this and act on them and be careful.
 
Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process! :)

As for him going through your phone; that's not ok whatsoever. He's insecure due to his past Relationship and he needs help with that. Red flag all the way.
 
This has to be difficult to deal with especially the self-hurt part. You have my utmost respect. Hoping other posters can help out here. I had a very loud abusive father so l tend to be good at blocking out anger and outbursts. My childhood training prepared me for that. I actually stay very calm and observe how bad is the situtation going to get, and are they dangerous to me. My father was abusive to my mom and l felt helpless with his outbursts. If l care about the person then l want to help them get to a better place. Welcome to the forum, coffee 24/7, open sign always on!
 
Your boyfriend needs to grow up quite a bit before he should be in a serious relationship. And you need to think you deserve a boyfriend that is adult. (A man, in other words.)
 
I think that is a big red flag. To me, that sounds like PTSD. There might be something else that has gone wrong in his life that makes him overly paranoid and easily upset. I would encourage him to go to therapy, one with trained trauma therapy.

I used to have extreme outbursts like that, but the situation was quite a bit different. It was more flipped the other way around, then the outbursts was a reaction to the hurt I was feeling that someone blamed me. Nonetheless, fighting usually doesn't help.
 
Sounds like I'd be running to the hills. I sugggest you do the same.
 
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Maybe you're going to become his enabler. What would possibly motivate him to get serious help if you're always going to be there?
How could he be a best boyfriend??? Sadly this speaks to the kind of boyfriends you might have had in the past.
I would be totally freaked out by someone doing self-harm...it's disturbing and you should tell him that his getting help is the deal-breaker if he wants to continue seeing you.
For your own mental health, you should take a step back anyway. Do you deserve to feel guilty because you can't make him a better person? Do you cringe/cry when you think of him? Do you think that's what a healthy happy relationship is all about?
 
Thank you all for the response. No I dont think it is a healthy pattern or do I put myself in toxic relationships. I am really strong individual. I work 6 days a week and also own a side company that I work on when I am off work so I have always just depended on myself. The issue is when it is good it is amazingly good. He is extremely loving and caring but then when He fixates on a thought or something it hard for him to not think of things constantly until he brings it up and it turns into bickering and begins to start his bad behavior . Because of his issue growing up his mother abandon him and his father wasnt apart of his life he was on his own at 13. he has had no help with his issues in his life and I guess high functioning autism have trouble processing the emotions. I normally dont say anything to trigger anything to cause it to get worse. This weekend was the first time I seen him actually almost self harm but stop himself because he seen my expression. We had a long conversation about it and he told me that he realizes instantly that what he is doing is wrong but he does it because he hates how he thinks and has never had control over it so it almost like a instinct to self punish himself because he hates himself in those moments. I explained to him that it impossible to be able to have a normal relationship when he does that because it hard to watch someone you care about do that and it makes it hard for me to talk to him because im scared it will cause him to do this. His past relationship the person would actually physically hit him when he would get into these episodes. I just dont think he has ever had someone to help him with this problems. He has told me he hates that part of him and want to get help. He is seeing someone next week to help him control his emotions and better understand what may be happening since he has never had anyone to help him through his life. He tells me everyday that he loves me and want to be happy he just fighting daily and will do whatever it takes to try get this sorted since he finally met someone that actually want to help him. Thank you all for the messages there is still alot that I am learning along the way and I realize that even if It doesnt work out with him I wont abandon him even if it means being friends. It hard to see someone want to be better but fights themselves daily. I know he would never hurt me and I have read this is associated with some High functioning autism it just takes a little patience to try and understand.
 
I'm not sure whether I'm on the spectrum yet, but both trying to control someone else's behavior and the paranoia aren't either.

Disregard the self-harm for a moment... Making you the absolute centre of his world is extremely unhealthy, regardless of whether it feels good at the moment. It unfortunately also fits in with the controlling behavior and the jealousy.

Now add in the self harm.
This man has serious problems.
It does not mean he is evil or malicious. But it does mean he cannot in his current state function in a healthy romantic relationship.

I am very glad he is getting help, he sounds much less like an *expletive* than someone who tries his best and seriously needs help.

He. does. need. help. though.

Thanks for being there for him... really.
And take care, that's a place you can easily get hurt.
 
Two things:

1) The other things, blaming YOU for his meltdowns, constantly insinuating that you're cheating/trying to look at your phone, threatening to hurt himself if you leave him: THOSE THINGS ARE NOT OK!!! Those are huge red flags. Those are the sort of things that are the start of something really ugly, and it's only going to get worse.

His autism is not the problem here, those other things are. You say "I can't do this" and you're right. Your gut is telling you to run and that is what you should do.

2) I'm one of those autistic people who hurt themselves. When I have a meltdown (which is thankfully, rare) I punch myself, scream (usually like a pterodactyl lol, not obscenities), throw things (in general, not at people.)

I realize this is really scary to those around me. I don't actually do much damage (a bruise here and there but nothing serious). It looks awful. It's embarrassing. Even though I don't have much control if any in that moment, I still blame myself. I'm ashamed. I've never hurt another person during a meltdown, but that doesn't make it less unpleasant for me personally.

Your BF's meltdowns are something that happens to him, not something he can control. When he's NOT having a meltdown is the time to talk about it - there may be something you two can work together on to decrease the frequency of meltdowns.
 
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