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My 5-Year-Old Son with Autism Speaks in Multiple Languages but Struggles with Conversation

@virtiw, welcome

This back-and-forth communication is referred to as "reciprocity", a common deficit in ASD. I also have this issue, but how it manifests itself is the "inability" to just naturally come up with things to talk about, with the exception of say, a special interest. I can stand up and lecture all day at the head of a classroom of students, but to sit across from someone and simply have a "normal" back-and-forth conversation, I really struggle, and if I try, it feels a bit "forced" and awkward. I simply cannot come up with appropriate "small talk" with anyone. If the other person wants to take the lead, I can respond, but there's another component. That is, I am not interested in people, and a lot of neurotypical conversation is about people. So, I am not interested in it. I, on the other hand, am interested in ideas and things, and most of the people around me are not. So, again, if I bring up a topic, they have nothing to add, and I can end up monologuing when it is not appropriate to do so. Group conversations are pretty much a "no-go" with me. I don't have the skills to know when to jump in and out of the conversation without it being an awkward, embarrassing mess. Sure, I can follow along in my head, but I can't get a word in, at all. The conversation tempo is typically too fast. By the time I do have something to add, the conversation has often moved on to another topic, so I just sit there quietly, smiling and nodding my head, following along, but not participating.

If there is any, one single thing that really stands out in terms of my ASD symptoms, it is the lack of reciprocity. I spend much of my day non-verbal, and not because I do not have a large vocabulary or am lacking in knowledge, it's just that the things I am interested in, others are not, and vice-versa. It is a bit marginalizing.

My wife and I can have great conversations about ideas and things, but she is also interested in people. So, our conversations can be limited. There is a lot of silence in the home and in the car.

You also mentioned the lack of expressive emotions. He may also have alexithymia, as I do. I come off quite Stoic, partly a learned behavior, because there was a time, as a child, I was quite emotional, and unfortunately, I never learned to modulate my emotional states without turning them off completely. If you asked me how I feel at any given moment, I literally couldn't tell you. I might say, I feel "neutral". It's not any identifiable emotion, at all. However, strong emotions, happy, sad, anger, frustration, it's always been a negative experience because it is 100% on or 100% off. It is embarrassing. I don't like it. Emotions cloud my brain, and I cannot think. In order to clear my head, I have to suppress emotion.

I suspect that your son is going through some of the same things I do on a daily basis. That said, I have been married almost 40 years, have held the same full-time job for nearly the same, raised 2 great boys, I am a part-time instructor at a university. I think I've done pretty well for myself.

All I can suggest to parents of young autistic children is to just let them explore and do things by themselves, even if they make mistakes. Do allow him to make mistakes. He might not be a "classroom" learner, but give him something to do, life skills, and he'll likely end up just fine. I think the lessons many of us adult autistics have learned is that trying to "change" who we are by forcing us to act like a neurotypical is a double-edged sword. Learning those skills can help us "mask" when we need to, but those skills must not be internalized as "there is something wrong with me". Self-awareness can be good, if it is presented as an "adapt and overcome" sort of skillset. He has to have those quiet moments, especially in the security of his home, his "safe place", where he can just relax and be himself without people constantly "chewing on his butt" to correct his behaviors.
 
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Thank you everyone for your response. I am from India so we have to speak Hindi. But during screen time my son is mostly interested in videos of animals and rhymes. Even if it's in another language. That's where he picked up those languages. I tried to engage him in interactive education mobile games like kiddopia, he practically destroyed that game and now is bored out of it.

When his therapist suggested to take away his toys, it was because he would make animal noise also after calling out animal name. Animal name can be in any random language, followed by exact sound of animal. That started creating issue in school. One time, in his preschool he started making sound of a wolf, that literally scared some teachers and staff. It's not like they complained, but after a while it became annoying.

He has an excellent memory. Vocabulary probably more than other kids of his age. But stubborn.
Has sensory issues which doesn't let him focus on other task. He gets distracted easily and always wants to grab something and play with it. Just 2-3 weeks before, he started lining up his toys, puzzle and other items.

It's very difficult to get him do anything. If he is not interested, it's practically impossible.
 
Thank you everyone for your response. I am from India so we have to speak Hindi. But during screen time my son is mostly interested in videos of animals and rhymes. Even if it's in another language. That's where he picked up those languages. I tried to engage him in interactive education mobile games like kiddopia, he practically destroyed that game and now is bored out of it.

When his therapist suggested to take away his toys, it was because he would make animal noise also after calling out animal name. Animal name can be in any random language, followed by exact sound of animal. That started creating issue in school. One time, in his preschool he started making sound of a wolf, that literally scared some teachers and staff. It's not like they complained, but after a while it became annoying.

He has an excellent memory. Vocabulary probably more than other kids of his age. But stubborn.
Has sensory issues which doesn't let him focus on other task. He gets distracted easily and always wants to grab something and play with it. Just 2-3 weeks before, he started lining up his toys, puzzle and other items.

It's very difficult to get him do anything. If he is not interested, it's practically impossible.
Demand avoidance behaviors. Know them well. I am laughing right now because I still do this from time to time. If there is something to be done, it has to be MY idea and not someone else's. I can drive my wife a bit crazy, as she's always got something for me to do around the house.
 
If you feel socially your child isn't ready for school, hold them back one year. It isn't a big deal. They maybe the kid that finishes HS in 2 years. I myself was slow, frustrated that l was unable to understand certain concepts in mathematics. But as l became older, l realized l had other abilities that far exceeded my peers. Have you thought about martial arts, it's very disciplined. My daughter was in Tai Quando at age 6. So cute, l love looking at those photos. Your son would memorize each sequence to get the next belt, and get exercise. You could even take it with him. Next thing she did, piano lessons, then she tried the violin. Music, martial arts, sports, these help ground your budding prodigy, instead of endless therapiststs focused on what he isn't doing.
 
5 years old is still young, my son wasn't ready for first year school as he had speech delay. So conversing was really late....grade 3 or 4
But I always knew he was smart he just never spoke much.

If/when child does go to school, it's most important decision and ABA may seem to give desired results but really messing with inner structure and according to some causes more alexthemia.

Play, um since could sit he bash toy truck over his brothers head, at school he try bite kids came to close, but tried avoiding everyone and made life difficult.
So I left him and he came around when he was ready but we did intervene on forcing him to try go out as it was huge problem.

Have you heard of stimming toys, each child has variant on their interests.
 
@virtiw, does your school (system) offer special education?
There is a shadow teacher who is working on improving his academics. For e.g. he doesn't write or should I say, have no interest in writing. So she is working on that. Apart from that, we got sessions of speech, occupational therapy and ABA therapy for him.
 
But didn't you say he was five? My daughter wrote little books by second grade, but at five, she studied her ABC's on our computer. she spent more time playing at 5 years old. As a tween, she spent every waking hour playing Pokémon. I let her game as much as she wanted.. Now she is a data analyst for a major university. Because her boss took a leave of absence, she is responsible for running some of the dept. Just hope you give him a chance to just be a kkid. You can't expect so much out of a five year old, they want to be silly, they want to play, if you let them enjoy their childhood, they come to adulting in a better state of mind. Don't forget, he will catch up quickly as he hits his middle years, but right now you are going to make him feel less than which means he will rebel, or leave. It's better to foster a place of love and acceptance as your child discovers who they are and what they can accomplish.
 
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But didn't you say he was five? My daughter wrote little books by second grade, but at five, she studied her ABC's on our computer. she spent more time playing at 5 years old. As a tween, she spent every waking hour playing Pokémon. I let her game as much as she wanted.. Now she is a data analyst for a major university. Because her boss took a leave of absence, she is responsible for running some of the dept. Just hope you give him a chance to just be a kkid. You can't expect so much out of a five year old, they want to be silly, they want to play, if you let them enjoy their childhood, they come to adulting in a better state of mind. Don't forget, he will catch up quickly as he hits his middle years, but right now you are going to make him feel less than which means he will rebel, or leave. It's better to foster a place of love and acceptance as your child discovers who they are and what they can accomplish.
Thank you @Aspychata. That's what we are trying. We want him to be a kid and have fun with what he likes. Still want him to be independent so trying to achieve that through therapy. Rest assured he is being loved.
 
I did meet a child that was obsessed with eggs. He had to have a egg in his room. I am pretty sure was on the spectrum, plus my daughter liked him, since she is also the same. It did stress mom out a bit, but she let him have his egg, and she didn't take him to therapy. He probably will outgrow it. I think maybe signing your son up for doulingo which is free. Help him learn his favorite language. I let my daughter pursue all of her special interests because l honestly felt it might turn into a job. She turned gamer in tween age. She gamed day and night. I never said a thing. Pokémon, and so on. Now she is a data analyst. I homeschool her just so she could pursue what she loved. This may not help you, but it may help you decide on your journey in raising him. :)
Wait was the data analysis/IT degree also from homeschooling?
 
Just a thought. Learning multiple languages in terms of only words is one thing. However using them relative to rules of grammar and syntax is quite another. Making me wonder if this may be analogous to the ease- or struggle of an autistic mind to multitask.

That your son's ability to learn to converse with others may rely upon a teaching method that is deliberately narrower in scope and at a slower rate than more conventional methods of teaching remedial English.

I can do a number of eclectic things relatively at the same time. However if any of them require any form of communication with others, my sense of multitasking quickly fails.
 
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Just a thought. Learning multiple languages in terms of only words is one thing. However using them relative to rules of grammar and syntax is quite another. Making me wonder if this may be analogous to the ease- or struggle of an autistic mind to multitask.

That your son's ability to learn to converse with others may rely upon a teaching method that is deliberately narrower in scope and at a slower rate than more conventional methods of teaching remedial English.

I can do a number of eclectic things relatively at the same time. However if any of them require any form of communication with others, my sense of multitasking quickly fails.

can you do voice chat while gaming?
 
can you do voice chat while gaming?

Excellent question!

And I'll give you a highly illuminating answer.

I've never tried, as I have NEVER had any interest in gaming with another human being. I'd rather play the computer, leaving my emotional and mental resources limited to me and me alone.

Though personally I have an acute understanding of how communication requires my utmost attention even in a one-on-one conversation. And that beyond dealing with one person at a time, my attempts to follow a conversation fade.
 
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Excellent question!

And I'll give you a highly illuminating answer.

I've never tried, as I have NEVER had any interest in gaming with another human being. I'd rather play the computer, leaving my emotional and mental resources limited to me and me alone.
What about watching a streamer? Can you listen to someone speak (without talking yourself) while multitasking?
 
What about watching a streamer? Can you listen to someone speak (without talking yourself) while multitasking?

Another good question. A streamer in particular? I would have to give a hard "NO" to that. Especially if I was looking for very specific information. Usually of a technical nature....involving computers.

Conversely I can follow a television show and episode I have seen before (many times) and often be on the computer at the same time. Reminds me of some Star Trek episodes where I can nearly repeat the dialog....lol. I can't explain it beyond that. I use it as ambient sound the way others might use music.
 
Another good question. A streamer in particular? I would have to give a hard "NO" to that. Especially if I was looking for very specific information. Usually of a technical nature....involving computers.

Conversely I can follow a television show and episode I have seen before (many times) and often be on the computer at the same time. Reminds me of some Star Trek episodes where I can nearly repeat the dialog....lol. I can't explain it beyond that.
Do you have Star Trek DVDs?
 
Do you have Star Trek DVDs?

The entire series of TOS. Also have the entire series of Battlestar Gallactica and many others.

Though I can now watch Star Trek with a sharper appearance through streaming media any time I want. (Paramount+ or Pluto)
 

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