@virtiw, welcome
This back-and-forth communication is referred to as "reciprocity", a common deficit in ASD. I also have this issue, but how it manifests itself is the "inability" to just naturally come up with things to talk about, with the exception of say, a special interest. I can stand up and lecture all day at the head of a classroom of students, but to sit across from someone and simply have a "normal" back-and-forth conversation, I really struggle, and if I try, it feels a bit "forced" and awkward. I simply cannot come up with appropriate "small talk" with anyone. If the other person wants to take the lead, I can respond, but there's another component. That is, I am not interested in people, and a lot of neurotypical conversation is about people. So, I am not interested in it. I, on the other hand, am interested in ideas and things, and most of the people around me are not. So, again, if I bring up a topic, they have nothing to add, and I can end up monologuing when it is not appropriate to do so. Group conversations are pretty much a "no-go" with me. I don't have the skills to know when to jump in and out of the conversation without it being an awkward, embarrassing mess. Sure, I can follow along in my head, but I can't get a word in, at all. The conversation tempo is typically too fast. By the time I do have something to add, the conversation has often moved on to another topic, so I just sit there quietly, smiling and nodding my head, following along, but not participating.
If there is any, one single thing that really stands out in terms of my ASD symptoms, it is the lack of reciprocity. I spend much of my day non-verbal, and not because I do not have a large vocabulary or am lacking in knowledge, it's just that the things I am interested in, others are not, and vice-versa. It is a bit marginalizing.
My wife and I can have great conversations about ideas and things, but she is also interested in people. So, our conversations can be limited. There is a lot of silence in the home and in the car.
You also mentioned the lack of expressive emotions. He may also have alexithymia, as I do. I come off quite Stoic, partly a learned behavior, because there was a time, as a child, I was quite emotional, and unfortunately, I never learned to modulate my emotional states without turning them off completely. If you asked me how I feel at any given moment, I literally couldn't tell you. I might say, I feel "neutral". It's not any identifiable emotion, at all. However, strong emotions, happy, sad, anger, frustration, it's always been a negative experience because it is 100% on or 100% off. It is embarrassing. I don't like it. Emotions cloud my brain, and I cannot think. In order to clear my head, I have to suppress emotion.
I suspect that your son is going through some of the same things I do on a daily basis. That said, I have been married almost 40 years, have held the same full-time job for nearly the same, raised 2 great boys, I am a part-time instructor at a university. I think I've done pretty well for myself.
All I can suggest to parents of young autistic children is to just let them explore and do things by themselves, even if they make mistakes. Do allow him to make mistakes. He might not be a "classroom" learner, but give him something to do, life skills, and he'll likely end up just fine. I think the lessons many of us adult autistics have learned is that trying to "change" who we are by forcing us to act like a neurotypical is a double-edged sword. Learning those skills can help us "mask" when we need to, but those skills must not be internalized as "there is something wrong with me". Self-awareness can be good, if it is presented as an "adapt and overcome" sort of skillset. He has to have those quiet moments, especially in the security of his home, his "safe place", where he can just relax and be himself without people constantly "chewing on his butt" to correct his behaviors.
This back-and-forth communication is referred to as "reciprocity", a common deficit in ASD. I also have this issue, but how it manifests itself is the "inability" to just naturally come up with things to talk about, with the exception of say, a special interest. I can stand up and lecture all day at the head of a classroom of students, but to sit across from someone and simply have a "normal" back-and-forth conversation, I really struggle, and if I try, it feels a bit "forced" and awkward. I simply cannot come up with appropriate "small talk" with anyone. If the other person wants to take the lead, I can respond, but there's another component. That is, I am not interested in people, and a lot of neurotypical conversation is about people. So, I am not interested in it. I, on the other hand, am interested in ideas and things, and most of the people around me are not. So, again, if I bring up a topic, they have nothing to add, and I can end up monologuing when it is not appropriate to do so. Group conversations are pretty much a "no-go" with me. I don't have the skills to know when to jump in and out of the conversation without it being an awkward, embarrassing mess. Sure, I can follow along in my head, but I can't get a word in, at all. The conversation tempo is typically too fast. By the time I do have something to add, the conversation has often moved on to another topic, so I just sit there quietly, smiling and nodding my head, following along, but not participating.
If there is any, one single thing that really stands out in terms of my ASD symptoms, it is the lack of reciprocity. I spend much of my day non-verbal, and not because I do not have a large vocabulary or am lacking in knowledge, it's just that the things I am interested in, others are not, and vice-versa. It is a bit marginalizing.
My wife and I can have great conversations about ideas and things, but she is also interested in people. So, our conversations can be limited. There is a lot of silence in the home and in the car.
You also mentioned the lack of expressive emotions. He may also have alexithymia, as I do. I come off quite Stoic, partly a learned behavior, because there was a time, as a child, I was quite emotional, and unfortunately, I never learned to modulate my emotional states without turning them off completely. If you asked me how I feel at any given moment, I literally couldn't tell you. I might say, I feel "neutral". It's not any identifiable emotion, at all. However, strong emotions, happy, sad, anger, frustration, it's always been a negative experience because it is 100% on or 100% off. It is embarrassing. I don't like it. Emotions cloud my brain, and I cannot think. In order to clear my head, I have to suppress emotion.
I suspect that your son is going through some of the same things I do on a daily basis. That said, I have been married almost 40 years, have held the same full-time job for nearly the same, raised 2 great boys, I am a part-time instructor at a university. I think I've done pretty well for myself.
All I can suggest to parents of young autistic children is to just let them explore and do things by themselves, even if they make mistakes. Do allow him to make mistakes. He might not be a "classroom" learner, but give him something to do, life skills, and he'll likely end up just fine. I think the lessons many of us adult autistics have learned is that trying to "change" who we are by forcing us to act like a neurotypical is a double-edged sword. Learning those skills can help us "mask" when we need to, but those skills must not be internalized as "there is something wrong with me". Self-awareness can be good, if it is presented as an "adapt and overcome" sort of skillset. He has to have those quiet moments, especially in the security of his home, his "safe place", where he can just relax and be himself without people constantly "chewing on his butt" to correct his behaviors.
Last edited:
