My 17 yr old son

[Angie Mendel]

My 17 yr old son was diagnosed with stage 1 autism spectrum disorder yesterday so I’m so lost I don’t know what my first step is. I always knew he had a learning disability but I’m confused on why this is coming out now. I haven’t told him yet because I am trying to wrap my own mind around this and I wouldn’t know how or when I should tell him or even do I need a second opinion. Writing this is my first step. I need help. I’m sad I’m scared I actually have no clue what to do or where to go.

 

[the_tortoise]

Welcome to the forum, I'm sure you will find a lot of support here.

Next step maybe is to learn more about autism and about your son's particular needs -- if you know more, it will help you decide whether or not a second opinion is warranted and maybe there will be less for you to fear.

Autism can be diagnosed at any point in life -- it can go unseen if there are comorbid conditions (everything gets attributed to the other condition, or the symptoms look slightly different), if a person is never seen by a clinician with knowledge of autism, or if a person copes with/masks their symptoms of autism very well.

Autistic people can live full and happy lives with the right support (and a lot of us manage pretty well and still find joy in life and accomplish a lot without support).

 

[Angie Mendel]

Thank you replying so quick. I gu

 

[Isadoorian]

This thread and video by a fellow Member (@Autistamatic) may be a good first step

"Newly Diagnosed... What next?" - New Autistamatic Video

 

[Angie Mendel]

That posted way fast. Wasn’t ready to send that. I guess my real question is how and what do I tell him. He already is so overwhelmed in school he will say himself that he feels stupid. His self esteem is so low. My phone is acting up might have to come back.

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi Angie and welcome.
It might help us if you tell us a bit more about him. Is he a bright kid or an average one? What sort of difficulties has he been having? When did you first notice he was a bit different to some of his peers?
You say "autism stage 1" is his diagnosis. If you mean autism 1 as defined by DSM 5 then it means he has either what used to be called Asperger's Syndrome or High Functioning Autism.
By definition it means he has a normal to high IQ and he is autistic. Autism is described as a "developmental disorder" which affects a person's sensory perception and social skills. It is not a learning disability though it often gets treated as one by less enlightened educators and psychologists.
Most of the membership here are either AS (Asperger's) or HFA (high functioning) so we should be able to help you with insight and to help make him feel less of an outsider

P.S. the video below of a talk by Tony Attwood, one of the leading clinical psychologists in this field may answer a lot of your questions. It's very informative and a good starting point. His book "The Complete. guide to Asperger's Syndrome" is a must-read too

 

[Angie Mendel]

I actually have never thought of him as different, shy yes, reserved yes, problems with learning yes. He’s my only child so of course I think he’s perfect in every way. The problem is he doesn’t. He has or actually what we thought for so many years was dyslexia and dysgraphia. He had so many problems in public school so at the end of 7th grade I took him to a private school. He is now in 11th grade and that wasn’t easy getting him here. I thought with private school he would have more one on one. Seeing there is only 6 kids in his grade level. The private school asked me this year to renew his 504 plan. Why I don’t know they weren’t going by it anyway. School has always been a constant struggle literally from day 1 of kindergarten. In my mind why pay attention if you don’t understand. I myself am dyslexic and bipolar, his dad is very quiet and reserved as well so I see what they are saying and how they can come to this diagnosis. I was expecting the same results as before I guess so this threw me for a loop. He scored below average on all test except the part of the brain that deals with coping. His iq test which has been done twice now is an 87. That’s below average but apparently he is very high functioning because he has made it through school so far. I’m not 100% sure why he has the diagnosis of autism I’m trying to figure that out as well. Yes now that I’ve been doing some research he does have some of the things listed but like I said he is perfect in my eyes. This was literally thrown in my lap yesterday so that’s why I’m trying to figure out what is my first step. What do I do? How do I help him? When he got home from school today I did tell him what was going on. He said so that means I’m not smart! I told oh no!! That’s actually not true at all!! He said he didn’t want to tell his friends that I also told him he doesn’t have to say anything to anyone if he doesn’t want to. I’ve always been very honest with him even tho I’m not 100 % sure of anything I feel he should know. Even tho everyone told me not to tell him until I was armed with facts. I hope I didn’t do wrong by him.

 

[Nitro]

Hi Angie

 

[Angie Mendel]

Hi Angie

View attachment 49029

Hi!

 

[Angie Mendel]

Hi Angie and welcome.
It might help us if you tell us a bit more about him. Is he a bright kid or an average one? What sort of difficulties has he been having? When did you first notice he was a bit different to some of his peers?
You say "autism stage 1" is his diagnosis. If you mean autism 1 as defined by DSM 5 then it means he has either what used to be called Asperger's Syndrome or High Functioning Autism.
By definition it means he has a normal to high IQ and he is autistic. Autism is described as a "developmental disorder" which affects a person's sensory perception and social skills. It is not a learning disability though it often gets treated as one by less enlightened educators and psychologists.
Most of the membership here are either AS (Asperger's) or HFA (high functioning) so we should be able to help you with insight and to help make him feel less of an outsider

P.S. the video below of a talk by Tony Attwood, one of the leading clinical psychologists in this field may answer a lot of your questions. It's very informative and a good starting point. His book "The Complete. guide to Asperger's Syndrome" is a must-read too

Thank you for this!

 

[Angie Mendel]

I actually have never thought of him as different, shy yes, reserved yes, problems with learning yes. He’s my only child so of course I think he’s perfect in every way. The problem is he doesn’t. He has or actually what we thought for so many years was dyslexia and dysgraphia. He had so many problems in public school so at the end of 7th grade I took him to a private school. He is now in 11th grade and that wasn’t easy getting him here. I thought with private school he would have more one on one. Seeing there is only 6 kids in his grade level. The private school asked me this year to renew his 504 plan. Why I don’t know they weren’t going by it anyway. School has always been a constant struggle literally from day 1 of kindergarten. In my mind why pay attention if you don’t understand. I myself am dyslexic and bipolar, his dad is very quiet and reserved as well so I see what they are saying and how they can come to this diagnosis. I was expecting the same results as before I guess so this threw me for a loop. He scored below average on all test except the part of the brain that deals with coping. His iq test which has been done twice now is an 87. That’s below average but apparently he is very high functioning because he has made it through school so far. I’m not 100% sure why he has the diagnosis of autism I’m trying to figure that out as well. Yes now that I’ve been doing some research he does have some of the things listed but like I said he is perfect in my eyes. This was literally thrown in my lap yesterday so that’s why I’m trying to figure out what is my first step. What do I do? How do I help him? When he got home from school today I did tell him what was going on. He said so that means I’m not smart! I told oh no!! That’s actually not true at all!! He said he didn’t want to tell his friends that I also told him he doesn’t have to say anything to anyone if he doesn’t want to. I’ve always been very honest with him even tho I’m not 100 % sure of anything I feel he should know. Even tho everyone told me not to tell him until I was armed with facts. I hope I didn’t do wrong by him.

Please someone answer me! I keep checking and checking. I feel like the conversation went well but I don’t know what’s going on in his mind. My husband is mad at me that I told him already. I’m stressed and confused

 

[Autistamatic]

You didn't necessarily do the wrong thing Angie. He's 17 so nearly an adult.
As for your next step? Learn about what autism is and how it relates to him so you can support him.
The average IQ is generally regarded as 85 so he's almost bang on average in that respect. That won't disadvantage him, but his social skills, emotional awareness and perception might, as may the dyslexia. At this point nothing is going to be a better ally to you than knowledge. There's plenty of information on the web including thousands of threads on this forum which you can read. YouTube is full of useful videos that could keep you going for days.
Do some reading or viewing and use us to help you relate it to your situation.
It's going to take some time for you to get up to speed Angie, but there's plenty of brains to pick in this community to help make sense of things for you.

 

[Angie Mendel]

You didn't necessarily do the wrong thing Angie. He's 17 so nearly an adult.
As for your next step? Learn about what autism is and how it relates to him so you can support him.
The average IQ is generally regarded as 85 so he's almost bang on average in that respect. That won't disadvantage him, but his social skills, emotional awareness and perception might, as may the dyslexia. At this point nothing is going to be a better ally to you than knowledge. There's plenty of information on the web including thousands of threads on this forum which you can read. YouTube is full of useful videos that could keep you going for days.
Do some reading or viewing and use us to help you relate it to your situation.
It's going to take some time for you to get up to speed Angie, but there's plenty of brains to pick in this community to help make sense of things for you.

Is there any good advice on how to build up his self esteem? I need the guidance to build him up! I have been really hard on him about his school work and also teachers single him out as I’m sure do kids his age. Even tho he was diagnosed I don’t feel I should necessarily change the way I parent or should I?

 

[TempeFan]

Is there any good advice on how to build up his self esteem? I need the guidance to build him up! I have been really hard on him about his school work and also teachers single him out as I’m sure do kids his age. Even tho he was diagnosed I don’t feel I should necessarily change the way I parent or should I?

Of course, he needs you to continue being an honest supportive parent. Parenting is rare these days but I'm sure he appreciates you have his best interests at heart. Children know when their parents are being tough on them that it's because they care. They don't like it but they know you are in their corner hanging in there with them. Don't change or ever start withholding that. Stay calm. Learn all you can and work together as a family. Start with watching the The Autistamatic YouTube Channel together as a family.

The first piece of info you need to help him understand is that his EQ (being autistic) has nothing to do with his IQ (intelligence). You know he's a great person, not stupid or wrong. He's 17 and he hasn't flunked out of school or life, even though he has had this extra challenge. Society is always cruel to people who are different in some way, neuro diversity, racial diversity, cultural diversity, etc. if it's not that then too tall, too short, too skinny, too fat.,etc.

 

[the_tortoise]

When he got home from school today I did tell him what was going on. He said so that means I’m not smart! I told oh no!! That’s actually not true at all!!

Everyone has a different set of smarts -- there are many different kinds of intelligence.

Being autistic, dyslexic and dysgraphic, he has trouble with certain things but that doesn't mean he doesn't also have strengths -- that he isn't good at anything or smart in however many ways. Point out his strengths to him, encourage him to pursue the things he is good at. Maybe see if you can find a good counsellor who is knowledgeable about autism to help him with his self-esteem.

Emphasize that he is different, he thinks differently -- he is not stupid or broken or sick. He is just different.

Tell him that it's okay to learn things a bit slower or in a different way -- everyone goes at their own pace, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[Ezra]

For many the diagnosis answers many personal questions of why am I like this, what's wrong with me.

Autism can make learning and other things difficult. But it does not on your son's level affect intelligence. Same with dyslexia and dysgraphia, which I have plus dyspraxia and dyscalculia.

Many times I think to myself "you're so stupid" and another voice says "no, you're autistic, there's a difference". Or "no, you have dyslexia, there's a difference".

Telling him was the right thing to do imo. People often say they resented the fact that their diagnosis was hidden from them by their parents.

Autism is serious, I know because I have it, but at the same time it's not something serious like having a brain tumor. You know what I mean? take it easy it's not that big of a deal. He has always had it, it's not like something that just happened to him. Nothing has changed.

 

[Sir Stig]

For many the diagnosis answers many personal questions of why am I like this, what's wrong with me.

*snip*

He has always had it, it's not like something that just happened to him. Nothing has changed.

Yes! Exactly. Getting the diagnosis is a good thing. It helps seeing that the Neurotypical frame does not fit, and gives him a frame with a better fit for him. It can help so much with accepting, and even appreciate the different impression of existence.

The expectation from society, people and oneself to function in a NT world can really bring you down when you don't work the same way as the norm. As a result it is so easy to start beating yourself with negativity and self blame (it starts small, and gets almost unbearable). Once he realizes that, I hope he will start to explore his strengths and delve into his interest. Getting some counseling/support that help him see the negative patterns that develop in the way one talks to oneself, can really help. Starting to appreciate the positives also starts small.

I am trying to say that it is the discrepancy between autism (or insert anything out of the norm) and established norms of being that leads to self esteem issues. Trying to be something you are not. And not being accepted for the way you are. Starting with accepting and loving oneself. I am, therefore I am worthy.

On this forum I have found out that I am not alone, and that helps with the feeling of always being on the outside of everything. I have started to draw again. I have found something that makes sense to me. And I can appreciate having a different life experience, because I stopped comparing myself to ideals that are not mine. Your son can too.

Other people does not have to understand. You, and he, will probably meet concerns from people stuck that have NT expectations for everyone, because they can not wrap their head around diversity, and have to comfort themselves that their way of life is the only "correct" way. They are afraid of what they can not relate to. Of what they can not translate into their way of understanding. This is the sad part. But that is also a universal issue that relates to just about everything. The antidote is to appreciate life in general.

Or, at least, these are some of my thoughts around it.

 

[Angie Mendel]

Does his IQ mean that he’s not high functioning or have Aspergers? I guess what I’m asking is does his IQ tell what type of autism he has? His memory is terrible. But so is mine. I’m sorry if I’m asking the wrong questions but this is stuff that’s on my mind.

 

[TempeFan]

Yours is not a stupid question, what would be stupid is not asking it. There is a lot of confusion caused by experts who make things very complicated when they are not. You deserve clarification. We on this forum can help restate the information you need in a more usable form, so keep asking.

IQ is a generally accepted clinical measure of inate, inborn, natural intelligence. It has nothing to do with his autism. All people have an IQ, for some it is a high number and for some it is a low number. 60 is low functioning. 85 is average. 150 is genius level. There are as many autistic people in each category as non-autistic people in each category. He lands squarely just on the high side of the middle where most people are.

On TV autistic people are portrayed as being either extremely smart or extremely stupid, because TV executives think extremes are more dramatic. In real life (IRL) most everybody's IQ falls somewhere in the moderate range. There's a saying on this forum. If you've met one autistic person, then you've met one autistic person. Everyone is unique with their own set of strengths and weaknesses.

 

[the_tortoise]

Does his IQ mean that he’s not high functioning or have Aspergers? I guess what I’m asking is does his IQ tell what type of autism he has? His memory is terrible. But so is mine. I’m sorry if I’m asking the wrong questions but this is stuff that’s on my mind.

In autism (at least in research definitions) "high functioning" just means that a person has an IQ score of above 70 or 80 (common cut-off scores for intellectual disability). One of the criteria for Asperger's is an IQ score in the average range or above, and a score of 85 is in the average range. (People with classic autism can have any IQ score -- from scores indicating severe intellectual disability to scores in the genius range; Type of autism doesn't automatically tell you anything about IQ.)

Terrible memory can be part of a lot of conditions, have a lot of causes. I have terrible working/short term memory and in my case it was originally thought to be just ADHD but executive dysfunction can be part of Autism, too so in my case it could be attributed to both diagnoses.

Some of the subtests in IQ tests evaluate visual and auditory memory for different kinds of information, but a person can have isolated low scores on working memory and high scores on everything else. Total IQ score (FSIQ -- full scale IQ) is taken from all the different subtest scores combined -- although when there are dramatic high and low scores FSIQ becomes less reliable as an overall measure of intelligence/ability. (I'm not convinced it's the greatest measure of intelligence/ability to begin with, especially for people who think quite differently and/or have communication difficulties.....but that's just my opinion.)