Mother or wife?

[Starfire]

I got a letter today confirming my diagnostic assessment, time place etc.
It appears the appointment only lasts 2 hours which seems a rather brief time to examine a lifetime of nearly 50 years, but presumably they know what they are doing.

In the letter I'm being asked to be accompanied by "someone who can tell us about your early childhood" e.g. a parent. Also, someone who can explain "how you manage activities of daily living" meaning I presume a wife, partner etc. The letter goes on to say "although this is not absolutely necessary" My question is that as neither my wife or mother is fully qualified to fit both roles, and as it is "not absolutely necessary" who should I ask to come with me, or should I just go by myself? I'm a bit confused about what to do, or who they would prefer I brought. It would have been more helpful if they could just tell me in order or preference, who would be of more use. I'm also unsure whether the person I bring will sit in on the assessment with me or be interviewed separately. Each way has its advantages and disadvantages. I was hoping this whole process would bring some clarity but I'm only finding more confusion and it hasn't started yet!

I would be greatful to hear any suggestions or thoughts from anyone who has already gone through an assessment, thank you.

 

[LittleLemon]

I'm at the same place you are. They told me my husband (or someone who knows me the best) would be helpful, but he can't take off work. They said that it's very common for people to come alone. They also sent a worksheet for me to give to someone who knew me as a young kid. I sent it to my sister and she filled it out the best she could. They said that again, if there's no one to fill out the worksheet, it's ok. My husband's aunt is accompanying me because I didn't know how to say no. She won't be with me during the interviews and my husband wouldn't be either if he came. I would feel like I couldn't be 100% honest.

 

[Starfire]

Thanks LittleLemon, I've been giving your post lots of thought this afternoon. I wonder if the reason so many people attend by themselves is because of these very issues! I haven't been sent any worksheets they may appear at the assessment.

If your husbands aunt is accompanying you, then I guess that is for support rather than to be involved in the assessment. I noticed you said that you didn't know how to say no. The same has happened to me in that I've just told my mother I had the date and place now, and she said "I'll make a note in my diary". I too didn't know how to say I haven't decided if and who to ask yet if anyone, but she went on to say it made sense for her to go as she could provide the information regarding early childhood, development stages etc. It would be hard to argue with that logic.

My only condition was that she wasn't in my part of the assessment, and I didn't want to be in hers. I agree with you, that it may be very difficult to be completely honest with her, in my case sitting beside me.

 

[Nerdpride20950]

When I got my assessment, I went alone as well. I had already sent a worksheet to my older sister to fill out and my psychiatrist seemed to be alright with that. I know it can seem kind of overwhelming to consider this upcoming appointment, but (in my case at least) it is well worth it! The two hours seemed like a lot of time in my case. You'll be surprised how much information can be gone through in that amount of time! I hope this helps put your mind at ease a little. Good luck!

 

[Mr Allen]

I took both of my Parents as I was still living at Home at the time.

 

[Starfire]

Hi Nerdpride, in some respects I would prefer to go on my own. I get the impression though, that the psychologists are very keen to get info on early childhood and teen years especially. I presume they want to be able to see that what is described was always there. That is where my mother would be very helpful. Worksheets may have been sufficient but I never got any.

You are right about the impending assessment becoming overwhelming. I'm getting increasingly nervous and anxious about it. That doesn't make much sense really, as the sun will still rise on the horizon the next day regardless of their findings, and I will still be the same person. I'm glad you found it well worth it, I hope I will too.

I was thinking about the two hours and I think you're right, that will still be quite a while to go through what they might want to know. I also think I may find it very intense, stressful and draining so that will probably be long enough in one sitting for me.

Thanks for your post and good luck, it's very kind of you, and everyone who took the time to reply.

 

[Starfire]

Hi Rich, my father died a long time ago so that wouldn't be possible for me. I think I would have found it even more stressful having them both there too. Having my mother there should be enough to tell them what they may need to know. Thanks for your post.

 

[LittleLemon]

Thanks LittleLemon, I've been giving your post lots of thought this afternoon. I wonder if the reason so many people attend by themselves is because of these very issues! I haven't been sent any worksheets they may appear at the assessment.

If your husbands aunt is accompanying you, then I guess that is for support rather than to be involved in the assessment. I really wish I was going alone though. I noticed you said that you didn't know how to say no. The same has happened to me in that I've just told my mother I had the date and place now, and she said "I'll make a note in my diary". I too didn't know how to say I haven't decided if and who to ask yet if anyone, but she went on to say it made sense for her to go as she could provide the information regarding early childhood, development stages etc. It would be hard to argue with that logic.

My only condition was that she wasn't in my part of the assessment, and I didn't want to be in hers. I agree with you, that it may be very difficult to be completely honest with her, in my case sitting beside me.

Correct, she's just there for support. She only knows the carefully crafted version of me I present to my husband's family, so she wouldn't be that helpful. I would feel the same way about even being a part of the other person's interview. I get extremely uncomfortable if I hear people talking about me even though it's supposed to be helpful. I wouldn't be able to be honest because some of things I filled out on the questionnaire like 'having a hard time talking about other peoples' interests' sounds so selfish and I don't want the aunt to always feel awkward and wondering if I'm paying attention to her. Plus, there's just way too many things that are so personal to me.

Good luck with your assessment. I am just as nervous as you.

 

[Katherine Rawstron]

I can't get a referral, and my mum's died anyway; my father's still alive, but I don't know how much of my early life he remembers as he was at work, then left when I was 4. However, I have been told things about my early life, e.g. I would sort toys into sets; if I moved away for a minute, somebody would move a toy as a test, and when I got back, I'd put it back where it belonged. So any info like that could be useful. If your mum can't go with you,or you don't want her to go with you, you could ask her what she remembers about your early life that could be significant. Write it down if you're likely to forget. If she's died or won't co-operate, do you have another older relative such as an aunt or uncle, grandparent, or older sibling who could help?

 

[Starfire]

I saw my mother this evening and talked to her about it all in more depth. She's actually very keen on coming and felt that she had a lot to say which may be useful. She mentioned things I didn't know, like I was apparently totally disinterested in learning to walk. I didn't start until very late, and had to be encouraged. It seems I was quite happy crawling or bum shuffling. I also began to learn to talk at a late stage too, however my mother said that may be down to being brought up in a bilingual household where that can be quite common. She also wants to talk to them about the considerable difficulties I had at school.

As for anyone else, my mother was an only child so I don't have aunts uncles cousins etc. My grandparents are dead and my fathers side of the family don't live in the UK or speak English, and my brother lives in Thailand with his family.
However, I think my mother will be a real asset as she will tell them straight and be totally honest. I can't ask for more than that. Thanks for your interest and suggestions Katherine.

 

[Starfire]

Good luck to you too LittleLemon! I'm sure it will be all worth it in the end to get some answers. It is nerve wrecking, but a small price to pay, and hopefully the 2 hours will flyby.

 

[midlife aspie]

I think mom is best qualified. Symptoms are more visible in children. Unfortunately, my mother is mentally ill. (schizophrenia)

 

[Starfire]

Thanks Midlife Aspie, I think you're right. It looks like my mother volunteering her services was meant to be, and is the best solution. I'm sorry to read about your mothers condition, I hope that she still has some quality of life despite having schizophrenia, it's not something I know much about.