Men, advice to your autistic childhood self

[Kalinychta]

My 12-year-old autistic nephew is being bullied at school, including by his teachers. No one likes him,…but their aversion to him isn’t exactly unjustified. He’s one of those autistic kids who can’t seem to converse about anything other than his own interests, which turns people off, including me. Autistic people certainly aren’t known for being charming or likable, and it’s so heartbreaking to watch the poor kid’s self-esteem steadily plummet.

My question: if you could board a time machine, travel back to your childhood years, and sit down with yourself as a kid, what would you say to him (you)? What sort of advice would you give?

I’m particularly interested in hearing from the men here, but women please comment as well.

 

[Gerontius]

Hello.
Being 12 isn't easy but it feels like you're all grown up. Just wait until you figure out what comes next.

It's not easy now but in the future, life can be a lot more fun. Few people "get" your interests, because if everyone liked the same things it'd be impossible to find a good specialist in that field. Whether it's gaming or ball or camping out or any of the other things 12-year-old boys like, not everyone's into it. Sometimes, as boys become men & men become wise, they find that the best and most wonderful things in life are better kept to themselves--like something in a treasure chest, set aside out of the way, waiting to be shared with someone who actually appreciates it.

Now it's going to feel like a lot of people don't like you very much, and you may find yourself wishing to spend the rest of your life keeping everything a secret. Try to not do that.

Concentrate on being twelve. Do well in your school, hang out with friends who will be a good influence on you, be happy and get ready for when you are a teenager. It's not too late to begin cultivating the habit of being patient with yourself. You will need it even more in a few years.

Anyway--Keep going. The only person who can be you, is you. Remember that no boy ever becomes a man in isolation; all the old primitive tribes had their communal rite of passage. Keep up with adults, and listen & see what they have to say that's worth learning from.

The curse and blessing of being 12 is that you feel like you're the first boy in the world, to rediscover everything--just like every other boy & every other man out there. It'll work out in the long run. Good luck & take care of yourself--

 

[Markness]

I would tell him to not be afraid of the “goth kids” but befriend them instead because the fundies are wrong about them being “trouble”, don’t let anyone shame you for liking things that aren’t “cool” just because your “friends” think so, and your older brother calling you “dainty” for liking keyboards instead of skateboards is wrong.

 

[Mister Anonymity]

My advice for my bullied childhood self is let the kids have their fun. One day, you will triumph and gain a wealth of success, while all the other popular kids will go on to live uneventful lives as boring adults with horrible personalities. The kids who bullied me were horrible people. They went to sleepovers and fornicated frequently, partaking in alcohol and partying when they reached high school. Some of them got pregnant and had to leave high school and start families earlier. Other times, they sold drugs and ended up in prison and correctional facilities. I, on the other hand, ended up getting through high school properly and graduating. I'm in university and enjoy an extensive support system that helps me succeed in university. All the teachers are nice to me. The teachers when I was 12 were horrible. University professors are mostly nice and accommodating--that is if you want to learn and are enthusiastic. I left my bullies behind. I succeeded and became the best version of myself.

My answer to your question: let the popular kids have their fun. They won't succeed in life.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I never got bullied, but I would say a good part of my life went well decent pay nobody bothered me, minimal supervision. what else could a person want, married, kids. life's good.

 

[Luca]

I’m obviously female. But I have been bullied my whole life and continue to get bullied in some situations.

But I do understand that I’m also one of those who can only talk about a limited range of interests. So I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people on here don’t like me either.
I’m really struggling to maintain friendships irl and I feel bad about it but I’m aware that I’m generally unlikeable. A few people have told me recently that talking about my interests is super annoying. Including other autistic people.

If I could tell my child self anything it would be to literally never open my mouth at all :/

 

[Mister Anonymity]

I’m obviously female. But I have been bullied my whole life and continue to get bullied in some situations.

But I do understand that I’m also one of those who can only talk about a limited range of interests. So I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people on here don’t like me either.
I’m really struggling to maintain friendships irl and I feel bad about it but I’m aware that I’m generally unlikeable. A few people have told me recently that talking about my interests is super annoying. Including other autistic people.

If I could tell my child self anything it would be to literally never open my mouth at all :/

Being ridiculed is a sign that you're a nonconformist who doesn't adhere to the traditional modes of being and existing. Don't worry about being disliked. Be happy to open your mouth at opportune times. What you say is just as valuable as what a neurotypical says. That being said, I would choose carefully the appropriate moments I would say something, and keep silent in the inappropriate moments. Being reserved is a gift that ensures self-preservation.

You cannot force yourself to impress people, because they will never like you even if you dumb yourself down for their sake. Love yourself and don't care what other people think. What you think matters the most to you.

 

[Luca]

Being ridiculed is a sign that you're a nonconformist who doesn't adhere to the traditional modes of being and existing. Don't worry about being disliked. Be happy to open your mouth at opportune times. What you say is just as valuable as what a neurotypical says. That being said, I would choose carefully the appropriate moments I would say something, and keep silent in the inappropriate moments. Being reserved is a gift that ensures self-preservation.

You cannot force yourself to impress people, because they will never like you even if you dumb yourself down for their sake. Love yourself and don't care what other people think. What you think matters the most to you.

Thank you for your kind words and advice, that really made me feel better

I’m just dealing with depression and don’t really like myself right now. Sorry everyone for my posts being so negative

 

[Gerontius]

If you're having a rough go of things, nobody's forcing you to be Captain Sunshine of the Bluebird Division. There's no silly law out there Thou Shalt Fake Thy Pleasantries Yea Though Thou Be'est Sad Even Unto Death.

 

[Luca]

If you're having a rough go of things, nobody's forcing you to be Captain Sunshine of the Bluebird Division. There's no silly law out there Thou Shalt Fake Thy Pleasantries Yea Though Thou Be'est Sad Even Unto Death.

Lol. That’s true.
I’m usually very positive but I’ve been pretty sad lately. I just don’t want to drag everyone else down with my negativity.

 

[Gerontius]

This is good self-reflection on your part, and it will eventually help Kalinychta's nephew too--You're showing an open, visible view of how the good old habit of Tact works. Here you are secure enough to be open about everything. You're aware of your own emotional needs (acknowledging that you're depressed, etc.,) and then aware of how it affects other people.

And some folks say we ain't got theory of mind!

Well anyway that's almost like what the nephew's dealing with. He's fascinated by his special interests. Not everyone else is. He's within the rights of good conversation to be interested in his own interests (they're probably pretty cool) but then he also will have to moderate that. I was annoying as a 12-year-old; all I could get into was a strange mix of machines and engines and poultry incubators and cream-separators and steam railroading. I'm still annoying over ten years later.

What helps (in the case of the nephew) is to do a little trick I figured out--See other peoples' interests as they themselves see them. My mother liked nonfiction Catholic literature c. 1300-1800 AD. Fine, I don't care for that. But I had to sit down & ask her: Ma, whatcha readin'? My dad loves classic muzzleloading guns. I cannot remember the difference between a Pennsylvania & a Virginia rifle, a "smooth rifle" and a fowling-piece. I can tell a Hawken or a fusil-de-chasse but I cannot tell a Charleville from a Third Land Pattern (aka the infamous "Brown Bess" English musket.) But I would go hang out next to his bench while he was researching classic blackpowder data & inquire. It helps. And it was fun watching Mom & Dad open up & share their own weird and awesome hobbies.

What you're doing, is adding what a lot of guys could stand--You're adding the emotional balance of the feminine touch. It helps. This is what is going to help get Kalinychta's Nephew all set up. Once he realizes how his dealings make others feel, he'll be in better shape. And then when he gets to where he's sharing his interests & absorbing others' interests to improve everyone's happiness all round (his included) he'll be in really fine shape.

 

[Aspychata]

Thank you for your kind words and advice, that really made me feel better

I’m just dealing with depression and don’t really like myself right now. Sorry everyone for my posts being so negative

PM me. I didn't know you were so down girl.

 

[Richelle-H]

While it is impossible for me to identify with your nephew, I see some patterns.

First off, the pre-teens are absolutely horrible, even before that, it can be somewhat dreadful, especially if you are above average intelligence. I know I was ready to be treated as an adult at a very early age. I found adult conversation much more interesting than what kids my age would talk about.

Unlike your nephew, it was almost impossible to engage me in conversation I did not start, and I started few, but like your nephew the few that I started were about my interests at the time.

He may not be properly aware and may be shutting off what others are saying as attacks. Nothing coming from teachers at that age is of any merit, speaking for my 12 year old self, and parents are not much better.

Does he have a favourite aunt or uncle. I know from my own childhood years that it was easier to listen to someone somewhat distant but admired. That could help get a message of restraint across.

Again, I can't identify with your nephew, but maybe something I have written might be of use.

Anyway:

I’m just dealing with depression and don’t really like myself right now.

I have never liked myself @crewlucaa, for I have a long list of things about my body, my life, etc. which I will never be satisfied with and some that I actually hate. That does not mean I can't be good to myself.

I was deeply depressed long ago, because of the things I did not like about my body. Today, I still have a veritable heap of things I don't like about myself, but I focus on the the positives as much as I can and surprisingly I have not been deeply depressed in several decades. I have found that if you treat yourself well, then how others treat you matters less.

 

[Fino]

"Don't be afraid to punch people in the face."

 

[Aspychata]

"Don't be afraid to punch people in the face."

Or eat a whole bag of mini Halloween chocolates, no jail time for that. Lol.

 

[Crossbreed]

Esoteric interests? That is why God invented the internet!

 

[Bolletje]

My advice would mostly be:
“ Don’t let what other people think of you determine your self-worth”

 

[Kalinychta]

"Don't be afraid to punch people in the face."

Well we have been thinking of signing him up for karate…

 

[Kalinychta]

I would tell him to not be afraid of the “goth kids” but befriend them instead because the fundies are wrong about them being “trouble”, don’t let anyone shame you for liking things that aren’t “cool” just because your “friends” think so, and your older brother calling you “dainty” for liking keyboards instead of skateboards is wrong.

I completely agree. I don’t want him to ever feel like he can’t be himself.

 

[Aspychata]

I would tell myself, it can only get worse. You shouldn't have dated, gotten married. You should have bought a house and skip all the norms. Because being with yourself is all that matters in the end. Coffins come with just one bed. You leave alone. The aftermath is to be alone sans the human race. But a room full of cats and dogs looking for a pal is what l am signed up for.