Me against the world.

[Metalhead]

You've raised the calibre of both!

I am seriously worried I may be BPD, due to my abandonment issues and my tendency to think of myself of worthy of death over minor disagreements and minor incidents where I rub others the wrong way. Thinking like that is completely abnormal.

 

[Metalhead]

Got home from the office and crawled back into bed. My comfortable bed. My sanctuary. The place I feel I belong. Two and a half days of this until I return to the office on Monday.

 

[Thinx]

BPD bipolar or BPD borderline personality disorder? The latter is a weird catch-all diagnosis that's just plain vague and starting to be seen as unhelpful. Bipolar is quite treatable, but honestly I think someone would have noticed by now, you have seen some therapists and services.

You should probably talk with your therapist about this. I think the way you were treated as a child is in itself enough to undermine and scare a child into this kind of thinking, and when stressed we often go to the vulnerable places in us.

I guess normal is just the way a majority are. It's not always better than not normal... For a child to make sense of abuse, they will have had to take some strange paths. Usually children conclude that they are wrong and bad in various ways, because the idea that the abuser is the bad one is hard to understand and if the person or people are family members, it's usually too frightening and upsetting.

The way you feel made a kind of sense of something impossible for a child to make sense of. I expect you have discussed this already in therapy, but it's pretty difficult stuff. Children survive through making sense of things and finding ways to cope. This isn't madness, it's all they can do. But afterwards it's confusing.

The way your ex has acted and the way it's hard to keep in touch at this time with friends , has triggered your abandonment issues, understandably. At such times any of us go to our most insecure thoughts, it's too hard not to. But it's ok to be angry with him, and not yourself. He let you down.

I hope you have some plans for the weekend? A stroll out, or time with an absorbing interest, or something you enjoy? Every day feels similar at present I think, it's an odd time.

 

[Metalhead]

BPD bipolar or BPD borderline personality disorder? The latter is a weird catch-all diagnosis that's just plain vague and starting to be seen as unhelpful. Bipolar is quite treatable, but honestly I think someone would have noticed by now, you have seen some therapists and services.

You should probably talk with your therapist about this. I think the way you were treated as a child is in itself enough to undermine and scare a child into this kind of thinking, and when stressed we often go to the vulnerable places in us.

I guess normal is just the way a majority are. It's not always better than not normal... For a child to make sense of abuse, they will have had to take some strange paths. Usually children conclude that they are wrong and bad in various ways, because the idea that the abuser is the bad one is hard to understand and if the person or people are family members, it's usually too frightening and upsetting.

The way you feel made a kind of sense of something impossible for a child to make sense of. I expect you have discussed this already in therapy, but it's pretty difficult stuff. Children survive through making sense of things and finding ways to cope. This isn't madness, it's all they can do. But afterwards it's confusing.

The way your ex has acted and the way it's hard to keep in touch at this time with friends , has triggered your abandonment issues, understandably. At such times any of us go to our most insecure thoughts, it's too hard not to. But it's ok to be angry with him, and not yourself. He let you down.

I hope you have some plans for the weekend? A stroll out, or time with an absorbing interest, or something you enjoy? Every day feels similar at present I think, it's an odd time.

I am worried I might have borderline personality disorder.

I also have no plans this weekend. I have no cash, I have no car, everything is closed anyway, and my only local friend has his priorities straight with his wife.

 

[Thinx]

Yes everything is pretty much closed here too. I ve been walking in the nearest National trust park and surrounding area, that and food shopping is about all there is to do, I read, write and Google stuff too.

What does your therapist think about BPD? Do you already have a PTSD diagnosis? Or any diagnosis?

I guess resting and sleeping can be great at the weekend, if it feels right to you. Maybe try some relaxation hypnosis sessions, plenty on the Internet? Some of them are great. I hope you feel a bit better tomorrow, it's a difficult time, but it will pass.

 

[Metalhead]

Yes everything is pretty much closed here too. I ve been walking in the nearest National trust park and surrounding area, that and food shopping is about all there is to do, I read, write and Google stuff too.

What does your therapist think about BPD? Do you already have a PTSD diagnosis? Or any diagnosis?

I guess resting and sleeping can be great at the weekend, if it feels right to you. Maybe try some relaxation hypnosis sessions, plenty on the Internet? Some of them are great. I hope you feel a bit better tomorrow, it's a difficult time, but it will pass.

I have a Asperger diagnosis and a Major Depressive Disorder diagnosis. Two things that do not go well together right there.

I probably should work on packing this weekend, I move in two weeks from now.

 

[Metalhead]

I suppose the best way to put things right now is that even though I know the pandemic is temporary, I am pretty much tired of life under these circumstances right now. I am tired of living without having a life. Which I suppose has a lot to do with me putting way too much importance into things whenever some stranger decides to insult me on the Internet these days. TV, the Internet and my job are my only life these days.

 

[Fino]

God uses pain to draw us to Him because the most important thing in ours live is our relationship with God. I used to struggle with similar issues, with being suicidal for every little thing. I hated myself, thought I didn't deserve to be alive, and constantly said things just as you said about how if God were merciful then I would never have been born. The only thing that changed this, the only factor, is God, because He is a healer.

People will choose not to believe anything I say because they're too comfortable with what they already believe, but having a relationship with God transforms your day-to-day existence in unimaginable ways. Life doesn't have to be a constant struggle. Life can be joyful. I didn't know that for 26 years. Most go their whole life without knowing it. They're too smart for it. I'm so incredibly grateful that I'm not too smart.

 

[Thinx]

Wow 2 weeks to the move! That's getting close. And it will make some changes I guess. Including you being more independent.

However, moving house is often stressful, packing and getting organised certainly aren't my best thing. Do you get time off work for it? Are you near some people you know when you've moved?

 

[Metalhead]

God uses pain to draw us to Him because the most important thing in ours live is our relationship with God. I used to struggle with similar issues, with being suicidal for every little thing. I hated myself, thought I didn't deserve to be alive, and constantly said things just as you said about how if God were merciful then I would never have been born. The only thing that changed this, the only factor, is God, because He is a healer.

People will choose not to believe anything I say because they're too comfortable with what they already believe, but having a relationship with God transforms your day-to-day existence in unimaginable ways. Life doesn't have to be a constant struggle. Life can be joyful. I didn't know that for 26 years. Most go their whole life without knowing it. They're too smart for it. I'm so incredibly grateful that I'm not too smart.

I am feeling like Job, as if God made a bet with Satan to see how much I can suffer.

Wow 2 weeks to the move! That's getting close. And it will make some changes I guess. Including you being more independent.

However, moving house is often stressful, packing and getting organised certainly aren't my best thing. Do you get time off work for it? Are you near some people you know when you've moved?

No time off work for the move, and I am only moving ten miles away. I am moving from a small apartment into a small house. I also made an impulse purchase of a home theater speaker set with a subwoofer since I was unable to have one of those in my apartment.

 

[whalewhalewhale]

I feel this. Recently I've been describing my life as those movies like "Naked" and "Groundhog Day" (or the show "Russian Doll") where everyday I wake up and the entire day feels like the same day and things keep going wrong and I struggle to get through the day just to wake up and start all over. And I have no autistic friends so iI have no one to talke to who can really understand it. My teachers keep getting mad at me because I'm late to class and I can't finish my homework but I don't think they understand that I only have so much energy and a significant amount of it goes into masking and school so my executive functions kind of get left behind. So I feel you with this and I don't know what I can do to help you but if you need someone to rant to. Let me know.

 

[sotto voce]

Thinx, I like and respect many of your comments, i.e., insights. Ditto suggestion about going for AT LEAST an hour-long brisk walk. Come back and describe to us something new you saw or smelled. You ARE depressed; the depression that seems unchanging, both in the past and in the future, coats everything, and distorts reality. You haven't figured out everything yet about your life and you are trapped in the viewfinder focused on the dark side. I 've even gotten up and walked in the middle of the night. Advantage?-No people around; just me and the road and quiet land and oodles of stars.

Moving is among the top three stressful activities of our lives. Lots of details to cope with - packing, mail utility shutoff or turn-ons, new neighbors, new routes, unpacking, different sounds at night, etc. etc.

I'd walk every day too.

My mother tried to throw herself out of the car on a family vacation when she was pregnant with me. That was just the beginning.

Someone wrote (pardon my awkward paraphrasing) that when they feel the worst and that the whole world is against them, they get angry and tell themselves the nasty buggers are not going to get the best of them.
I like that.

My best.

 

[Fino]

I am feeling like Job, as if God made a bet with Satan to see how much I can suffer.

I understand the sentiment, but just want to point out that God didn't exactly make a bet with Satan to see how much Job can suffer. The point was that Job would suffer yet not curse God and renounce his faith. Another point, in the end, was that God's ways are not our ways and God's thoughts are not our thoughts. We are incapable of understanding Him. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways."

 

[Fino]

The world loves it's own, if ye were of the world it would love you.

You seem to be telling him he's a Christian. Is that your intention?

 

[Thinx]

Well the move is probably going to be a helpful change, new house to sort out, new home theatre speaker set with a sub woofer (yeah I sort of know what that is. Except the sub woofer) but it will probably be cool.

I like having a little house, I do prefer it to a flat, there are a lot of small terraced houses in Northern England, brick built from the turn of the century onwards, for the mill workers and factory hands. Modern flats often cost more here, but no garden or outside space.

In UK we often get a day off for moving, apart from annual leave, it's hard work! I hope you have help?

 

[unperson]

You seem to be tell him he's a Christian. Is that your intention?

No, just being sympathetic.

 

[unperson]

You should be packing, labelling, got transport Len. Do you think this is a procrastination thread?

 

[Metalhead]

You should be packing, labelling, got transport Len. Do you think this is a procrastination thread?

The only things I do not have packed now is my home theatre, clothes for two weeks, some dishes, some bedding, some towels and some food. I am mostly packed up now.

 

[unperson]

excellent organisational skills there! is da family helping you carry stuff?

 

[Metalhead]

A good friend is helping me rent a uHaul for a day, since I don’t drive. I have a couple of associates in 12 stepping that agreed to help with the heavy lifting in exchange for pizza.