Me against the world.

[Metalhead]

I only have one friend who visits me these days, and he can’t spend much time with me because he has a wife. All of my other local friends decided to drop out of both the 12-step fellowship and my life over the course of the last year.

My life has become nothing more than going through the motions of work, TV and sleep. Not much I can do outside of my place these days.

I am perfectly aware that I rub most people the wrong way. I accept that. My family has made it clear to me that I am nothing but a burden on the world around me.

If I could fall asleep and spend countless hours dreaming the years away, I would do so in an instant.

EDIT - I know that most of the people around me would be much happier if I died. Not going to kill myself, but I do live with that knowledge and I accept that as my reality.

 

[BrokenBoy]

But I don't want ya to die!

 

[Metalhead]

But I don't want ya to die!

I am not going to die anytime soon. I am going to be a thorn in countless sides by merely existing, though.

 

[Markness]

Don’t let those who look down on you celebrate. Even in my lowest times, I don’t ever want the ones who said I was “weird”, a potential school shooter (Yes, someone actually once told me they were surprised I didn’t shoot up a school just for being bullied.), or whatever stupid assumption they have about me to ever rejoice.

Here’s the chorus to the song:
I don’t make sense - I got my pride!
Don’t need no meaning - I feel no shame!
I will not believe - I got no choice!
I am out of control - And I love it!

 

[BrokenBoy]

Don’t let those who look down on you celebrate. Even in my lowest times, I don’t ever want the ones who said I was “weird”, a potential school shooter (Yes, someone actually once told me they were surprised I didn’t shoot up a school just for being bullied.), or whatever stupid assumption they have about me to ever rejoice.

Yeah I received similar treatment.

@KagamineLen you should just ignore them and try to pull off pranks in the shadows. Small stuff like putting laxatives in their food or something. It would probably be really funny to watch their reaction.

 

[Mia]

My life has become nothing more than going through the motions of work, TV and sleep. Not much I can do outside of my place these days.

I am perfectly aware that I rub most people the wrong way. I accept that. My family has made it clear to me that I am nothing but a burden on the world around me.

You don't rub me the wrong way. Your family is wrong, so was mine. You need to stop letting others decide they know who you are. If it means estrangement from their toxicity, then so be it. You've mentioned that you have friends, and they still are. Creating your own life is something you are doing. It's going to take time, even though I know from your posts you want it to happen quickly. Be more patient about this new phase, it will slowly change. The pandemic has made it more difficult for everyone, it's all new to us. Don't lose hope.

 

[Markness]

Yeah I received similar treatment.

@KagamineLen you should just ignore them and try to pull off pranks in the shadows. Small stuff like putting laxatives in their food or something. It would probably be really funny to watch their reaction.

It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? The same person who wondered why I didn’t shoot up a school works at the same library I work at but she doesn’t read any books (She herself told me.) and uses her computer or laptop only for social media despite wondering why so many others around her know more than she does.

Sorry if I derailed your thread, KagamineLen.

 

[Metalhead]

Don’t let those who look down on you celebrate. Even in my lowest times, I don’t ever want the ones who said I was “weird”, a potential school shooter (Yes, someone actually once told me they were surprised I didn’t shoot up a school just for being bullied.), or whatever stupid assumption they have about me to ever rejoice.

Here’s the chorus to the song:
I don’t make sense - I got my pride!
Don’t need no meaning - I feel no shame!
I will not believe - I got no choice!
I am out of control - And I love it!

Yeah, I remember staff at my middle and high school telling me that they were looking for any excuse they could use to send me to juvenile jail because I had an occasional meltdown because I was being bullied nonstop. Those were fun times.

I just want to crawl into bed, fall asleep, have no obligations but to sleep, have dreams where life is generally more interesting than it is now. The loneliness and the pervasive boredom has been killing me. Having a lover leave me for a woman while bragging about the premium kitten he is now banging was not a great experience for me, either. I used to have many RL friends, now I have two, and only one of them is local.

 

[BrokenBoy]

The loneliness and the pervasive boredom has been killing me. Having a lover leave me for a woman while bragging about the premium kitten he is now banging was not a great experience for me, either. I used to have many RL friends, now I have two, and only one of them is local.

This is relatable to very disgusting levels.

 

[Markness]

Yeah, I remember staff at my middle and high school telling me that they were looking for any excuse they could use to send me to juvenile jail because I had an occasional meltdown because I was being bullied nonstop. Those were fun times.

I just want to crawl into bed, fall asleep, have no obligations but to sleep, have dreams where life is generally more interesting than it is now. The loneliness and the pervasive boredom has been killing me. Having a lover leave me for a woman while bragging about the premium kitten he is now banging was not a great experience for me, either. I used to have many RL friends, now I have two, and only one of them is local.

Wow, that was crummy of the school staff. They obviously didn’t do the research that shows that the Columbine shooters were not sweet kids gone bad but were actually bullies themselves.

I felt the same when the lockdowns started. I didn’t think I could feel lower than I did before but I was proven wrong. You aren’t alone in feeling the way you do but it doesn’t invalidate your experiences.

 

[Metalhead]

Thoughts of slipping into an eternal void have been coming to me quite a bit recently. The knowledge that the pandemic is temporary is enough to keep me from acting on those increasingly pleasant thoughts. I am talking to a therapist every week, as well. I just feel an ever increasing sting in my heart.

 

[Wolfsage]

Thoughts of slipping into an eternal void have been coming to me quite a bit recently. The knowledge that the pandemic is temporary is enough to keep me from acting on those increasingly pleasant thoughts. I am talking to a therapist every week, as well. I just feel an ever increasing sting in my heart.

Don't forget. God's got your back.

 

[Metalhead]

Don't forget. God's got your back.

If God were merciful, he would have taken me before I was born.

 

[Misery]

I know that most of the people around me would be much happier if I died.

Those people, then, are frankly worth less than the dirt on your shoes. To have that sort of attitude towards someone else... blech. I've known people like that before. "Scum" would have effectively been a compliment if I'd ever said it to them, when compared to what they were like. Nasty people. As a result, I rather enjoyed being that thorn in their side.

If you're bothering people of that sort, who would think of others like THAT.... you must be doing something right. That's how I've always looked at it.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Do you use Discord much? I know you are a gamer - perhaps you'd find chatting with people or voice chatting on there helpful?

I rarely go out, especially socially. But I find voice chats on Discord can help. So long as it's not big groups - otherwise I tend to be mute. But just being able to chat to people regularly can help mental health. Plus Discord channels tend to be for specific games - so you'll have a better chance of finding some like-minded souls.

Ed

 

[Thinx]

When abusive adults manipulate and groom children from an early age, they seriously affect the child's self development, and this makes it hard for you to get outside of their manipulative descriptions of you.

Remember, they did this to undermine you and make it easier to abuse you. It wasn't ever about you, it was always about them and what they wanted, they actually didn't see you as an individual at all.

That makes it really hard for children and as adults there's such a lot of work to do to achieve your delayed goals of self development. The school system you have been in has also let you down big style, as others here have described too.

However, a lot of the time you do have quite a strong sense of self and of your achievements now, I see from other posts you have made, you have made huge steps forward.

A dissonant phrase that really stands out in your initial post is, 'My family have made it clear to me that I am nothing but a burden on the world around me.' Really?

You are quoting the view of your abusive, selfish, narcissistic, cruel and criminal family, who don't care about you or anyone, as if it means anything except to reflect the vile, uncaring people they are.

I think your low mood and disapointing experience with the ex, is letting the childhood conclusions flood in, but that's not what is true at all, it's not what is relevant or correct. They were vile and wrong, their abusive lies has no relevance to who you are.

Try working on anger about what's recently happened, the year of covid disruption, the shallower than hoped ex. The child you were and the man you are are just fine. You are doing your best at a difficult time, and you could do without covid house arrest and the bad behaviour of a guy who let's you down.

 

[SusanLR]

If God were merciful, he would have taken me before I was born.

True. I've felt that way all my life.

That feeling of wanting to just sleep for the peace of it is how I feel too.
Until a trauma dream hits. Then I have to compose myself.
Sleep without dreams is the peace. I've wondered if you could sleep yourself into oblivion?
Naturally, not as a suicide.

If it weren't for the dreams waking me or my room mate hollering in to get up because he wants to
eat, I might find out. Probably just go into catatonia though and eventually become conscious.
Maybe be like those living Buddha monks that mummify themselves alive?

Never mind... just the ramblings of depression.

 

[BrokenBoy]

If God were merciful, he would have taken me before I was born.

 

[unperson]

The world loves it's own, if ye were of the world it would love you.

 

[AprilR]

I think you're a very cool person from your threads. Also you have great taste in movies/music.
And think of it this way, a lot of horrible people in this world have no self awareness of how the world is better off without them. You should be fair to yourself.