Masking for necessity and finding a balance

[AprilR]

So i have been masking for years in order to have friends and a social circle. I have recently realized that the only friend i have and the acquaintances i make do not know me at all.

I have been wanting to stop masking or at least minimize it, to make genuine connection with people as opposed to shallow ones, and really get to know people but i am not sure about it. I am scared i will be left alone if i do that. People dont really know much about autism in my country and they are scared of things they don't understand. Even if i don't disclose autism they will probably find me weird and off putting.

There are no organizations, groups or anything in my country where autistic people can meet, there is basically no support either. I have started to mask bc i was scared i would develop mental illnesses bc of isolation. I am scared of being alone after my parents pass away. That's why i perfected my masking and now can blend in easily.

But it is exhausting to mask all the time just to not be alone. I am not sure what to do with myself. I need some people in my life, but people don't like me if i don't mask.

What would you do in my situation?

 

[Roisin]

I think my mental health wouldn't be good in your situation, reinforcing the idea that my real self was unwanted through empty interactions would bring up difficult emotions.

Easy to type in a post, much more difficult to do... As a start, while I had my parents for companionship I would try outlying groups to see how it feels to be with people who are viewed as 'others', perhaps creative groups, or those that don't comform to stereotypes.

 

[Rodafina]

I can relate to what you describe, @AprilR. I think I spent the first 41 years of life masking trying to please people and feel connected to friends.

I think that the problem for me is that masking with others makes me feel alone. It cannot be a remedy for loneliness because the worst loneliness I can imagine is feeling so alone when there is someone right in front of me.

I think dropping the persistent mask allowed me to get more comfortable with the idea of contentedly living a solitary life. This lead to a feeling of confidence, a desire for authenticity, and an ability to really indulge in things that interested me. Having a beloved animal friend really helped.

And then, what do you know? This new mindset lead to the feeling of friendship and love that I have with some people in my life today. I don't have many friends, but just a couple is all that I can handle anyway and I'm so grateful for the ones I have now because they do see the real me, without the mask and without the fear. Just imperfect, sometimes odd, but totally authentic Rodafina.

So what would I do in your situation? Get comfortable with solitude and then get comfortable with sharing your true self with others. You don't really need a whole group to like you - just one or two people would be nice.

 

[AuAL]

@AprilR, are you masking to us? I know I have disclosed more about myself to people here than to any but my closest friends IRL. We can be your community. Among us you can find friends. Real friends who will care about you.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I understand your fear. I can say that starting to unmask has deepened the relationship both between my partner and me, and between my best friend and me. But, of course, things could have gone differently as well.

Do you have a clear image of what unmasking would involve in your case? I had to slowly find out. There are things that are less "offputting" to non-autists than others (e.g. fidgeting). You could start by those, see how people react, and slowly work your way up.

Also, do your friends know about your autism? If they don't, maybe they could start to educate themselves? I don't know where you live, but even if it's somewhere where people don't know about autism, maybe your closest friends would read through a few websites if you asked them?

 

[AprilR]

@Rodafina That's exactly what happens to me with my friends. I feel alone. Because there are so many things i cannot tell them. Why i don't have a social circle, why i don't click with most people, why i don't drive, why i can't do my job independently.

@AuroraBorealis Telling people about autism is very scary to me, i feel like they will feel burdened by me, and will" put up" with me out of pity. My friend once made a joke about autistic people too, i think she is far too ignorant to ever understand what i understood about autism in years. I never told anyone else about my suspicion about having autism, my parents included. Only my therapist knows.

@AuAL I am not sure if i am masking here or not. I feel like a made up persona became a part of me. But i do talk about a lot of things that i can't irl here, so probably i am more genuine here.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

So i have been masking for years in order to have friends and a social circle. I have recently realized that the only friend i have and the acquaintances i make do not know me at all.

I have been wanting to stop masking or at least minimize it, to make genuine connection with people as opposed to shallow ones, and really get to know people but i am not sure about it. I am scared i will be left alone if i do that. People dont really know much about autism in my country and they are scared of things they don't understand. Even if i don't disclose autism they will probably find me weird and off putting.

There are no organizations, groups or anything in my country where autistic people can meet, there is basically no support either. I have started to mask bc i was scared i would develop mental illnesses bc of isolation. I am scared of being alone after my parents pass away. That's why i perfected my masking and now can blend in easily.

But it is exhausting to mask all the time just to not be alone. I am not sure what to do with myself. I need some people in my life, but people don't like me if i don't mask.

What would you do in my situation?

I think many of us understand your situation here. Many autistics appear to have this internal desire for truth and honesty, and when it comes to our persona, we want to be truthful and honest with others. However, as you pointed out, there is this human nature aspect (likely going back to our earliest tribal ancestry) that triggers our amygdala's when we are presented with someone who is "different". Many people find safety, security, and companionship in being part of a group. However, because we are "different" we tend to find ourselves out on the periphery and not fully accepted or bonded into the group. As a coping and survival mechanism, we hide our true selves (masking). There is an internal conflict of placing high value upon truth and honesty versus the survival mechanism of masking.

To be clear, even NTs will mask, especially those who work with the public. Whether you are in the military, in sales and marketing, law enforcement and security, healthcare, or answering a phone and greeting people at the front desk, etc., there are certain "standards of behavior", "codes of conduct", and "professional behavior". It's all masking who you really are.

All I can suggest here is that there are times and places to mask, but there are times and places when you can simply relax and be your true self. I suspect that most people, even NTs, flip back and forth with their behavior. I also suspect that even in social situations, because we don't want to be perceived in a negative light, tend to have some restraint in our behaviors, whether it be in front of children or sitting around a table in a restaurant with a group of people. Another example of this sort of thing is that most people will behave differently in person than they do behind a computer screen. My father, for example, could present himself as very professional at work, be a pleasant person to be around in the home, but behind the computer screen, could be a nasty internet troll that even a Batman villain would cringe at. Which begs the question, "Which one is my father?". The answer is, all 3.

@AprilR, I am thinking that as long as you give yourself those moments to just be yourself, even if it is in private, you won't "lose yourself" in some sort of "identity crisis". As long as you know who you are, this is good. However, humans operate on some primitive, instinctual levels and we can trick ourselves into thinking that in 2024, we are somehow "more civilized" and "socially accepting", but all of this is not without some degree of fighting our true selves, consciously fighting those instincts, and masking who we really are, sometimes to the point of being outwardly hypocritical. You certainly are not the only one thinking about these things, as I believe millions, if not billions of people on Earth do. You and I just have the added component of being on the autism spectrum.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

From full masking to full disclosure there are many steps.

What I have done is being more open about stuff that is difficult for me without talking about autism. Things like:

- I dont like places with too much people, I cant concentrate well there.

- When I have to answer a difficult question its easier for me if I dont look to the other person, because I get distracted.

Its more like peeling the mask instead of unmasking.

 

[blue_bird]

This is why I only know people as acquaintances these days. If I try to get to know them any more then it will lead to the inevitable questions and probings about who I really am. I'd rather no one know about my emotional and physical problems. When I did open up to someone many years ago, even though he was supposed to be my best friend, he basically laughed at my problems since he was the complete opposite of me emotionally and socially. I don't trust people anymore and am convinced most will just mock me for who I am.

I'm sorry you are finding it difficult as well.

 

[AprilR]

This is why I only know people as acquaintances these days. If I try to get to know them any more then it will lead to the inevitable questions and probings about who I really am. I'd rather no one know about my emotional and physical problems. When I did open up to someone many years ago, even though he was supposed to be my best friend, he basically laughed at my problems since he was the complete opposite of me emotionally and socially. I don't trust people anymore and am convinced most will just mock me for who I am.

I'm sorry you are finding it difficult as well.

I am sorry about your experience. You did not deserve to be treated like that.
I wish there was more supportive irl communities for people like us (or any at all in my case)

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

The only masking I Do is keep my mouth shut, so my circle of friends is small, over the last few years a few have passed New ones who who take their time to know me are surprised that I am actually quite extraverted. It takes time as I have no interest in small talk, or simplistic opinions.

 

[Judge]

I look at the past and my present and it sometimes makes me ill realizing that I must continue masking my traits and behaviors just to maintain civility with my closest relatives who know I'm on the spectrum. And apparently it doesn't matter to them. That they still expect me to conform to their social protocols and thought processes, even when I can't.

Deeply frustrating indeed. That all many of us can do in such circumstances is to somehow "soldier on". That dropping any semblance of masking will only result in being ostracized.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I look at the past and my present and it sometimes makes me ill realizing that I must continue masking my traits and behaviors just to maintain civility with my closest relatives who know I'm on the spectrum. And apparently it doesn't matter to them. That they still expect me to conform to their social protocols and thought processes, even when I can't.

Deeply frustrating indeed. That all many of us can do in such circumstances is to somehow "soldier on". That dropping any semblance of masking will only result in being ostracized.

I don't have that issue many of my relatives and friends are on the spectrum. Boy do we enjoy each others company.

 

[blue_bird]

I am sorry about your experience. You did not deserve to be treated like that.
I wish there was more supportive irl communities for people like us (or any at all in my case)

Actually, I don't think communities are necessary. Or it shouldn't be necessary. I'm sure a lot of people here will find their emotional support just by having caring, affectionate, considerate people around them. Unfortunately, most family units are devoid of such people. Most families don't go beyond parents and kids anymore. The days of extended families are over. The days of loving, extended family members, are over.

A lot of us would benefit just by having some decent, considerate, affectionate people around us but alas, our society doesn't really value that. We're all so caught up in the rat race that we hardly ever stop to see who needs our help, and a helping hand. Sometimes I think being sensitive to the plight of others is seen as a no-no by most people. It's like it has to be a dog eat dog world out there. Such a pity.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My family including extended like getting together, a lot of us are on the spectrum actually following my DNA to see if their is some correlation with high functioning autism. As an extended family we are not normal. why I started a thread on blood type after all nobody does extensive studies on rare blood types seen that with covid. Anomalies are the key my brother and sister are real anomalies both parents had AB positive blood who would do a genetic study on this. I know enough statistics to know getting a significant sample 100 of more people you would need access
to millions of DNA samples, just to find the few of us.

 

[AprilR]

Actually, I don't think communities are necessary. Or it shouldn't be necessary. I'm sure a lot of people here will find their emotional support just by having caring, affectionate, considerate people around them. Unfortunately, most family units are devoid of such people. Most families don't go beyond parents and kids anymore. The days of extended families are over. The days of loving, extended family members, are over.

A lot of us would benefit just by having some decent, considerate, affectionate people around us but alas, our society doesn't really value that. We're all so caught up in the rat race that we hardly ever stop to see who needs our help, and a helping hand. Sometimes I think being sensitive to the plight of others is seen as a no-no by most people. It's like it has to be a dog eat dog world out there. Such a pity.

I agree with this. Where i live large families who are close with each other still exist but my family is not one of them.

I once heard one of my coworkers talking about her uncle who got Downs syndrome and how protective and helpful the family is to him. They sounded quite close and it seemed like all the family loved him. I don't know why but i felt a bit envious of their family. I feel like in the country i live, people who come from traditional backgrounds are more open and accepting towards disabled people. Ofc this is a generalization, but yeah it made me feel glad that her uncle was loved and accepted despite his disability.

I always envied it tbh, to have a protective, close knit family that takes care of each other. And i agree with the dog eat dog world analogy. I hate it too.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

One my cousins had downs syndrome passed from pneumonia during covid. We are an immigrant family all 2nd and third, and now fourth generation. Even had fun trying to find a possible relative with my first cousin both of use had joined Myheritage. My wife on computer , him in France competing to solve puzzle. Another first cousin a former rock star who changed careers after the industry changed cuts my hair.