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Married + late ASD1 diagnosis = problems

Grondhammar

Active Member
V.I.P Member
First, thank you for creating and keeping up this space. This forum has quickly become a retreat where I feel like I can read about others who experience the world the same way I do, and be supported/accepted. Thanks everyone.

@Coxhere's thread (What is love?) really triggered a lot of thought. I have typed and retyped below, but wiped it all out several times. I just can't talk about this easily, not yet at least.

Instead I will ask: if you are someone who has entered a "love" relationship without knowing you're autistic, and discovered it later:

1) did you experience labelling/negative namecalling/accusation because of your symptoms? i.e. did the expectation you're NT lead to negativity?

2) how did you resolve this? (if at all)

Thanks in advance for any thoughts. This is a really painful part of my diagnosis -- feeling shame for having hidden under my (unconsciously-created) mask, but having done the best I could the whole time. And it's never been enough.
 
I stumbled into a very nice friendship with a person, who l couldn't quite understand. So l started reading about autism, and later surmised we were both there. Nothing was resolved, l remember l kept asking them if we were the same, but l didn't understand the context l was asking in. We just felt very similar but in a good way. I could just be myself in front of them, and l felt like l understood them, with zero judgment.
 
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Not sure I fully understand your situation. You are in a relationship which you started by masking, and later you stopped masking and now you aren't accepted for who you are? If that won't get resolved, then I'm not sure why are you in that marriage.
Relationship is a thing which both people need to cherish and nourish. If only one person does or no one at all - what is the point?
 
But you have a very valid question, alot of us don't discover this until the relationship has been in place for some time. In my case, the person didn't divulge this info. No shame, no blame, it's just learning to navigate the waters. We can attract others on the spectrum.
 
Thanks to both of you for your thoughts & experience.

@Tired, you make a very, very good point, and I agree. I'm just wondering if there are ideas on how to resolve it, or at least understand what others have done in this situation. I'm asking here because self-help relationship books and blogs have little to do with the reality of an un-masked autistic.

@Aspychata, Your own experience gives me a little glimmer of hope. I think that's the best I could want; to get to a point of understanding where it's not about expectations, but instead re-imagining what a relationship is given new parameters.

...just noticed what an alexithymic way that was say that😅
 
I do not understand why is it important that you are autistic. Like... you are still human with your likes and dislikes, and both NTs and NDs just want to be loved and understood without the need to be someone they are not.
If your SO bullies you because you are autistic and not what they expected (what you presented to them while masking), then I don't see much of a point to try to save that relationship...but let's see.

Normally people talk about problems, communication is the key of any relationship, friendly or romantic one.
Did you explain to your SO that that masking was not something you planned, but something you did without knowing and that you regret it? Did you tell them that you are pained by the way they now behave towards you?
From their side they feel betrayed because they basically married another person and you are a liar and a cheat by behaving one way and now in another way. By that I understand their frustration. What I don't understand is why they themselves just started attacking you and are still married to you, if it is all that bad? And why couldn't they sit down with you and just talk about how both of you are feeling, and what can you and they do to save the relationship.

I am a divorced person myself, so I know what it is to live with a person, who slowly became not what he was once, and who did not want to talk about it or change anything for me to feel better in a relationship.
 

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