Married Autistics, Where Did You Meet Your Spouse...?

[Tiffany Kate]

Is he NT or neuro-diverse?*

*Neur-D includes ADHD & giftedness.

Nope. He's about as neurotypical as it's possible to get. He likes people. He gets on with pretty much everybody. He's one of those nice people that, if you don't like him, it says more about you than about him.

We're opposites in a lot of ways, but it works for us because we fill in each other's gaps. What really does help, though, is that he's learned that A) I say what I mean, and mean what I say; and B) Life is simpler all round if he does the same. He finds it restful, because he never has to spend time figuring out what I mean. It's right there, in words.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Interesting experience today sIsters birthday, My Aspie Nephew sisters son's girlfriend arranged a birthday party to meet the family for first time well attended chatted with her, asked her do you know he is on spectrum She said yes I knew when I meet him on dating site, She of looks India ethnicity, so I asked and she said I'm not Indian I'M French Guianese, They connected because both her and my nephew, speak fluent French. I filled her in on him Steven Hawking mixed with Wayne Gretzky. Welcome to family. Yes some women like us Aspies, just need to go outside the box to find them. Our family is not typical lots of eccentric members. the more you know about us the more you will like us.

 

[Brian39WV]

When I was younger, I could have meet a spouse in a wide variety of ways. But I am old older now and more set in my ways. I have isolated a bit since my diagnosis a couple of years ago. But I am realizing that getting into a romantic relationship is my biggest goal in life. So I am going to start posting a lot more online in order to achieve that.

Now I am quite certain if I ever do have a girlfriend or a wife someday I will have met her online first. And that is totally fine. I just need to find her now.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

When I was younger, I could have meet a spouse in a wide variety of ways. But I am old older now and more set in my ways. I have isolated a bit since my diagnosis a couple of years ago. But I am realizing that getting into a romantic relationship is my biggest goal in life. So I am going to start posting a lot more online in order to achieve that.

Now I am quite certain if I ever do have a girlfriend or a wife someday I will have met her online first. And that is totally fine. I just need to find her now.

Good luck with dating, usually does not work out well for us. My wifes buddy lost her husband a couple of years ago, he was on the spectrum. She has since joined a dating site, meet another Aspie Meet him a couple of times, noticed his masking was like watching bad method acting. After a year the relationship fell apart. From What I can make out he was unable read her when she was having some emotional issue. Seen this before my older brother destroyed his relationship in a similar fashion. Us undiagnosed have to be careful about this. Perceived lack of empathy. Yes some ladies do have a preference for us. Have to be careful. My wife knows I can very direct if I see a flaw I do not bear around the bush. No happy wife happy life for me.

 

[Brian39WV]

Good luck with dating, usually does not work out well for us. My wifes buddy lost her husband a couple of years ago, he was on the spectrum. She has since joined a dating site, meet another Aspie Meet him a couple of times, noticed his masking was like watching bad method acting. After a year the relationship fell apart. From What I can make out he was unable read her when she was having some emotional issue. Seen this before my older brother destroyed his relationship in a similar fashion. Us undiagnosed have to be careful about this. Perceived lack of empathy. Yes some ladies do have a preference for us. Have to be careful. My wife knows I can very direct if I see a flaw I do not bear around the bush. No happy wife happy life for me.

Thanks, I would kill for a relationship that lasts a year. I have still never had a relationship that lasts even a week. So I get why people get upset that they don't last forever. But right now I think I would accept a nice six month long relationship and go from there.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Some of us here have significant relationships, to a degree not knowing we were on the spectrum. until much later.
Watching my wifes buddy screw up predictable, did not surprise me after seeing my brother lose his marriage, I am currently helping two NT's meet each other for companionship as they are both older. Either way us Aspies are different. Seeing some clues in my DNA stuff how does a couple years ago have only one or two kids prior to birth control. Noticed in Myheritage five significant families related to me, however not my sons or brother. So now need to get another brother to do test. as he is also on spectrum married many years. He married outside his culture. What is the trick Like likes like.I wish I knew.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

When I was younger, I could have meet a spouse in a wide variety of ways. But I am old older now and more set in my ways. I have isolated a bit since my diagnosis a couple of years ago. But I am realizing that getting into a romantic relationship is my biggest goal in life. So I am going to start posting a lot more online in order to achieve that.

Now I am quite certain if I ever do have a girlfriend or a wife someday I will have met her online first. And that is totally fine. I just need to find her now.

My wife and I met at the university... freshman year... a few weeks into the semester. We had a few classes together, but these were in the huge lecture halls... a few hundred students. I had no idea she even existed. It was totally on her and her initial pursuit of me to make the introduction.

She and her group of pre-nursing classmates... it's funny how they just clicked as a group so quickly... would sit themselves a few seats away from my roommate and I. The first thing I remember was her "dropping" her pen... hoping I would reach down and pick it up for her. Of course, I would pick it up, look back, and make the eye contact she wanted with her girlfriends having a sly, but giggling look on their face. Sneaky, but effective maneuver on her part.

Then, it was the walk across campus back and forth from the freshman dorms and our lectures. She would catch up to me, I would learn her name... just the first name.

Then, it was MY turn. Go to her dorm and call from the lobby phone... all girls dorm. Looked at the directory... found her first name, only to realize there were 3 other girls in the same dorm with her name! Persistent, I called all 3 girls, finally finding her and we were able to meet.

The rest...is nearly 40 years.

 

[Brian39WV]

My wife and I met at the university... freshman year... a few weeks into the semester. We had a few classes together, but these were in the huge lecture halls... a few hundred students. I had no idea she even existed. It was totally on her and her initial pursuit of me to make the introduction.

She and her group of pre-nursing classmates... it's funny how they just clicked as a group so quickly... would sit themselves a few seats away from my roommate and I. The first thing I remember was her "dropping" her pen... hoping I would reach down and pick it up for her. Of course, I would pick it up, look back, and make the eye contact she wanted with her girlfriends having a sly, but giggling look on their face. Sneaky, but effective maneuver on her part.

Then, it was the walk across campus back and forth from the freshman dorms and our lectures. She would catch up to me, I would learn her name... just the first name.

Then, it was MY turn. Go to her dorm and call from the lobby phone... all girls dorm. Looked at the directory... found her first name, only to realize there were 3 other girls in the same dorm with her name! Persistent, I called all 3 girls, finally finding her and we were able to meet.

The rest...is nearly 40 years.

I realize why it is hard for me to keep the confidence that someday someone will like me. To be blunt a woman has never liked me or been attracted to me before. It is ok. I do not compare myself to others. But it is tough when alone at night and trying to have the courage to keep putting yourself out there online when no one has ever liked you before.

I guess the way I look at it is I am not trying to get everybody to like me, I am only trying to get one person to like me. Hopefully she is out there. But I have a tendency to lose courage and to give up all hope. I have gone years in a row in my life where I just figured I would always be single. But I had poor coping mechanisms for my loneliness. Typically I would use weed edibles to be able to handle my loneliness. And they help but I would say my biggest goal in life is to be in a relationship someday.

I guess the good news is I am not demanding that someone spend the rest of their life with me or anything like that. I would be very happy just to have a few months or maybe a little bit more with someone. I could be super satisfied with that. The biggest thing is my biggest goal and dream in life has been to be in a relationship someday. But it is tough keeping that confidence going.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I realize why it is hard for me to keep the confidence that someday someone will like me. To be blunt a woman has never liked me or been attracted to me before. It is ok. I do not compare myself to others. But it is tough when alone at night and trying to have the courage to keep putting yourself out there online when no one has ever liked you before.

I guess the way I look at it is I am not trying to get everybody to like me, I am only trying to get one person to like me. Hopefully she is out there. But I have a tendency to lose courage and to give up all hope. I have gone years in a row in my life where I just figured I would always be single. But I had poor coping mechanisms for my loneliness. Typically I would use weed edibles to be able to handle my loneliness. And they help but I would say my biggest goal in life is to be in a relationship someday.

I guess the good news is I am not demanding that someone spend the rest of their life with me or anything like that. I would be very happy just to have a few months or maybe a little bit more with someone. I could be super satisfied with that. The biggest thing is my biggest goal and dream in life has been to be in a relationship someday. But it is tough keeping that confidence going.

Understood.

I don't want to minimize your situation. A lot of us are in that situation. Everyone should love and be loved. That said, at least in my experience... I have been, and still am, totally oblivious to the sometimes-subtle language that others have, especially with women. In college, a handful of girls flat out told me I was oblivious to advances. Even with my own wife... totally clueless. This is a woman I have known for nearly 40 years... and still clueless.

The point I am trying to make is that... it just might be that women have made some advances, but you too were oblivious to those signals. She might be out there, but if she is being subtle and quick, just to see your reaction or to get a look her way... and you don't... she might just move on and not pursue.

For context, my wife and I met when we were 18 years old... and if you remember 18, you remember all those hormones raging, so there was some "motivation" there. If I was 40 and she was 40... it is likely that neither of us would be pursuing anything... but who knows.

It might simply come down to our ability to perceive these things. Throw in a dose of depression. Throw in the fact that your "default mode" might be to focus upon other things. Women can come and go and you might not be receiving any signals... even though they might have been sent.

Just a thought given my own situation.

 

[Brian39WV]

Understood.

I don't want to minimize your situation. A lot of us are in that situation. Everyone should love and be loved. That said, at least in my experience... I have been, and still am, totally oblivious to the sometimes-subtle language that others have, especially with women. In college, a handful of girls flat out told me I was oblivious to advances. Even with my own wife... totally clueless. This is a woman I have known for nearly 40 years... and still clueless.

The point I am trying to make is that... it just might be that women have made some advances, but you too were oblivious to those signals. She might be out there, but if she is being subtle and quick, just to see your reaction or to get a look her way... and you don't... she might just move on and not pursue.

For context, my wife and I met when we were 18 years old... and if you remember 18, you remember all those hormones raging, so there was some "motivation" there. If I was 40 and she was 40... it is likely that neither of us would be pursuing anything... but who knows.

It might simply come down to our ability to perceive these things. Throw in a dose of depression. Throw in the fact that your "default mode" might be to focus upon other things. Women can come and go and you might not be receiving any signals... even though they might have been sent.

Just a thought given my own situation.

That may be so. I have never worried about such things as body signals or something like that. I just ask women out that I know. I am not shy about asking women out. I have been rejected a ton. When you just ask everyone, you are attracted to out, you do not really need to worry about signals or anything like that. I am giving them the opportunity.

Obviously, I have been on some dates. But I am not afraid to admit I have probably been rejected about as much as anybody ever has lol. I figure I might as well give them a chance if they are interested in me. If not, no hard feelings, but they will then play no further role in my life.

 

[Nervous Rex]

The point I am trying to make is that... it just might be that women have made some advances, but you too were oblivious to those signals.

That happened to me a few times. One time my father and step-mother told me about the dental hygienist at the dental office we were at. "She likes, you." they said, "You should ask her out!" I'd ask, "How could you tell?" And they'd say, "We just know." I wasn't just missing the cues; I didn't even know that such cues existed, so their word alone wasn't enough evidence for me.

Another time, my mother was reading a book of remembrance I'd had several people sign that I worked a volunteer position with and said, "If you asked this girl out, she'd say yes." Again, I asked how she could tell and she just said, "I know."

Now, knowing that social cues exist - even though I don't immediately catch them - I would be more inclined to believe someone that told me about them.

I've also learned that I can pick up on some social cues - not immediately, but later - by wondering why someone acted differently or said something out of place, and by trying to think through why they would do that. Overanalysis is a poor substitute for social intuition, but it'll get the job done eventually.