Marriage and opposite sex single friends

[Christophe]

Hi, I have a dilemma, my wife (NT) has started to visit a single coworker at his apartment alone for a few hours a week. At first I was ok with it because I thought he was married and that his wife was present during these visits. But I later learned that this was not the case... He is single.

Let me start at the beginning, 2 years ago, during the worst period of my depression, my boss (woman, my age) came to my house while my wife was out, to see how I was doing and to get an update on my condition).
My wife flipped out!!! She went crazy!! (Just to be clear... This visit was purely platonic and I've never had any interest in anyone other than my wife).

I have spoken to my wife about the fact that this situation was the same as the one 2 years ago, and that if it wasn't ok for me to be in company of a single woman alone, that it should be the same for her. Her response was that it was not the same, because since I have Aspergers and have difficulty dealing with social situations, that I should spend my time with her (my wife) instead of other women. But that for her, she was meeting with this guy because she needed more social interaction that I could provide her.

To be clear, I'm ok with the meetings... Just not alone at this guys apartment. (I've told her this) But she keeps going back without telling me about it.

What does this mean? Should I be reacting differently? Is she expecting me to react differently?
Is she cheating on me? Should I ask her? Should I be mad? I'm lost with this situation

Please help.
Thanks

P.S. Sorry about the length

 

[Vanilla]

Hmm, that is a tricky situation. I'm not very good at judging a person's intentions, myself, but I suppose, the first question would be, does your wife have any reason for wanting to cheat? Perhaps it would be beneficial to determine whether there are any issues in your relationship, and whether they need to be addressed. Chances are, if she is in fact cheating (and that's obviously uncertain at this stage), then she may not feel like her needs are being met. Perhaps it would be good to bring her attention towards any issues you two could potentially have, and try to see if it's at all possible to fix them. From my understanding, women supposedly cheat for different reasons, to men, generally speaking. It tends to be more for attention (if the woman is feeling starved for love and attention). Again, I'm not an expert. Just a theory. Hope you find a solution.

 

[Suzanne]

She is either cheating or on the brink of cheating and using you being an aspie, as an excuse to get away with it!

It is all so difficult, because I am in a similar, but not the same, situation! Not to do with the opposite sex at all, for he is very faithful, but he does tend to use what is wrong with me, against me! When I have meltdowns, he says: so does being an aspie make you cruel then? I cannot say that he is the one causing the meltdown and I honestly need him to get out of my face, so that I can calm down!

I think you could try saying that you would like to accompany her to this single man's place and perhaps in turn, you can have him over to your place. If she is innocent, she will say that it is a wonderful idea and also prove her integrity, but if she starts getting emotionally aggressive with you, then sadly, it is because she is not innocent.

Actually in a marriage, there should be joint friendships and if not, then female friends with females and guys friends with guys!

 

[Ylva]

Her response was that it was not the same, because since I have Aspergers and have difficulty dealing with social situations, that I should spend my time with her (my wife) instead of other women. But that for her, she was meeting with this guy because she needed more social interaction that I could provide her.

Sounds manipulative.

Also, her conclusion doesn't follow from her premises. She is not to dictate your social life. She is holding herself to a different standard than you. I'd leave someone like her, or better yet, kick her out.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

She is either cheating or on the brink of cheating and using you being an aspie, as an excuse to get away with it!

THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd be coming out with my guns blazing! (Literally!) Or at least my stun gun!!!

It couldn't be any more obvious what is going on to me. I'd be on the horn with a good divorce lawyer. No explanation would be good enough for me unless the guy is her brother! But that's just me.

 

[Suzanne]

THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd be coming out with my guns blazing! (Literally!) Or at least my stun gun!!!

It couldn't be any more obvious what is going on to me. I'd be on the horn with a good divorce lawyer. No explanation would be good enough for me unless the guy is her brother! But that's just me.

I so ditto that! It had me blazing with anger!! How DARE she treat him like this!!!!

 

[Christophe]

Her excuse for spending time with this guy is that I've been depressed for many years (meds are not working) on top of being an Aspie, I'm not able to give her the social attention she needs (every day I spend a couple hours in our room or in the garage alone because I really have difficulty being around other people and I need my alone time).
She said she needs more intellectual stimulation and adult conversation.
But the only time she talks to me is to complain about work or we talk about our 3 year old daughter.
I try to talk about other subjects but it's hard for me to find subjects because I can't concentrate long enough to read newspaper articles (I get lost) and I spend all my time at home (stay at home dad). I have no other contacts (friends - coworkers) to inform me about events or happenings around us.
I can read short articles and try to bring them up but the conversations are usually very short.

I have to say, it must be really hard for her to have to deal with me over the past few years, my depression was very bad.

But I even told her that I was not comfortable with her going to this guys apartment alone and to stop and she went back yesterday without telling me. I found out because I checked (find my IPhone app) to see if she was still at the grocery store and she was at his apartment) I knew she was going for coffee with him but she said they were going out. When I asked her where they went she told me the truth and said they couldn't go out because he had already made food so they stayed in.

I then left the house and went for a drive for a few hours to calm down.

I don't know what to do anymore. We have a 3 year old daughter.

 

[Ylva]

Turn it into an "open" marriage, where you are basically room mates? Don't sleep with her in case of STDs. I'm working on my ability to backtrack on relationships and turn people back into friends, maybe it's easier for you since you are probably older. Her greatest inconsistency is wanting "conversation" but not wanting it with you – I'd call her on it.

None of this can be good for your depression.

 

[Christophe]

Turn it into an "open" marriage, where you are basically room mates? Don't sleep with her in case of STDs. I'm working on my ability to backtrack on relationships and turn people back into friends, maybe it's easier for you since you are probably older. Her greatest inconsistency is wanting "conversation" but not wanting it with you – I'd call her on it.

None of this can be good for your depression.

What do you mean by "call her on it" I don't understand?

BTW I'm 36

 

[Ylva]

Call her on it = point out her story's inconsistencies. If she gets angry instead of giving you a reasonable response, it is a sign she wants to protect her own status quo, and isn't interested in easing your anxiety. You shouldn't feel guilty about being depressed, that would just add to the bad feelings.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

And people think they have to stay together just for the kids, but that is just rubbish. Kids can tell when things aren't normal. Who knows, maybe if you got a divorce and you were on your own to "find yourself" then your depression may just end up leaving. Maybe it is being married that put you in a depression because she's expecting you to be something you are not. You'd have to have a job and all (since you said you are a stay at home dad). If you do choose to end it, make sure you have everything else planned so you can get at least partial custody.

 

[Christophe]

I offered for her to bring him to the house and told her that I would even leave them alone if that is what she preferred, I could work in the garage while he visits. But she said that she preferred meeting him elsewhere because part of it is to get out of the house. So I said ok, we can set aside some money so you guys can meet at coffee shops or something an I told her that I was not comfortable with her meeting with him at his house, and she agreed. But 3 days later (yesterday) I caught her at his place again.

Now she asked me today if I was going to forgive her. I don't know what to say to that since she never apologized or showed any remorse.

Just to be clear, we live in northern Canada and its -49 degrees today, so it's not like they can do anything outside.

I know that it's been really rough to live with me and my depression over these past years, and all of this is most likely my fault. Maybe she deserves someone better, someone more like her. Someone who can give her what she needs. Maybe if I wasn't here, she could move on with this new guy and be happy. I love her (whatever that means) and she has been very patient with me. Maybe she deserves a better chance at a better life.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

It's going to have to be whatever you can live with. I'm just speaking for myself that that kind of arrangement definitely wouldn't work for me. As for the cold they could go to a coffee shop instead of his apartment. She needs to be taking care of her NT needs with girlfriends not single guyfriends for heavens sake. It just sounds like she's playing mind games with you.

 

[Nadador]

Hi, Christophe.

Based on what you've written, I believe she's cheating. They may or may not have had sex, but what's going on that you already do know about for certain is actually worse than a physical fling. She's carrying on an emotional affair, effectively stripping you of your most essential role as her husband. I feel terrible being so blunt. There's no way to make this medicine go down easier.

I felt a genuine stab of heartache for you when you wrote:

"I know that it's been really rough to live with me and my depression over these past years, and all of this is most likely my fault. Maybe she deserves someone better, someone more like her. Someone who can give her what she needs. Maybe if I wasn't here, she could move on with this new guy and be happy. I love her (whatever that means) and she has been very patient with me. Maybe she deserves a better chance at a better life."

No matter how troubled you may be, or what challenges you pose as a partner with depression and AS, it's hard to see you musing on about what she "deserves", and how you've failed her. She knew who you were when she married you. She took a vow, and had your child. What you deserve is fidelity, loyalty, and genuine honesty. And she needs to act responsibly for her commitments. If the marriage isn't meeting her needs, that's what counselling is for...working all that out. Finding a surrogate husband, while stringing along the legal one, is never an acceptable solution. It sounds as though her justifications and manipulations seriously have got you thinking this is somehow your fault. Bullsh*t. It's simply not. Were I you, I'd deliver an ultimatum. She is not to see him again. What she does next will tell you who she is, if you haven't already decided. If she refuses, it may be better for your daughter if the marriage dissolves. She's young yet, but soon enough she will be able to sense the dysfunction in your marriage. What she sees will affect her own relationships later on. You might want to point that out to your wife as well.

You are being abused, my friend. The tactics your wife is using are classic: Turn the blame on the victim. Don't let her take your dignity. And please, get yourself some counselling, so you can have support and a voice of reason through this, no matter what you choose to do. If meds aren't working, talk therapy is essential.

You're a good man, Christophe. I can tell from all you've said here. Good luck to you.

 

[On the Inside]

This sounds a lot like my first marriage, just before she offered to spare me any misery and get a divorce.

I didn't know I was Aspie at the time, but I showed the symptoms. I worked a full time job that sometimes required very long hours during crunch time before opening days. I was kind of obsessed with work. But I thought we were enjoying our pleasant simple life together while we built for the future. We had good friends, a nice apartment, I thought we were becoming a solid couple. She worked part-time at a coffee shop. It was good for her because it was sociable, and she still had time for her freelance side work.

Unfortunately, the "socializing" ended up being pretty much focused on one guy, a guy with a masters degree who delivered pizzas for the restaurant next door while searching for a job in his field.

We didn't have children or any shared property, so our split was pretty easy and amicable. I was surprised at how easily I shrugged it off and moved on.

I do hope you are able to navigate through this tough time.

Edit: I agree with Natador, your situation requires an ultimatum from you, and deserves that she honors and respects the commitment and responsibility of your relationship.

 

[AsheSkyler]

That is definitely a double standard, and rather cruel, insensitive, and outright wrong to say it's okay for her to get alone time with strangers and not you. I don't trust the woman. You don't do one-on-one functions after you get married unless they are of a gender you're not attracted to. You do group functions, meet at public places, but you do not sneak away to some private places where there are no witnesses to what you're doing. (Barring random drop-ins, surprise visits are a bit different than planned ones. I guess you could stand on the porch and chat so it's not as fishy?)

 

[Christophe]

Thank you all for taking time to help me out with all your advice.
I really appreciate it.
I spoke with my wife, and she agreed to stop going to his house. She tells me that she really needs the friendship and I'm reluctant about it but I will keep an eye on it.
At least she won't be going back to his place anymore.

Thanks again.