Low key rejection

[paloftoon]

Low key rejection hurts. We always want specific answers. Even if maybe it wouldn't make a difference. It's easier to handle low key rejection if someone truly intends to try to be platonic with you if not in a relationship, but this is usually not the case.

I'm really hurting right now, and I have mixed feelings about it all.
Like sadness and anger at myself that there were signs where instead of "trudging" through it and trying to make it work, I could've just moved on sooner.
Well, I was attracted to his physical appearance a lot even though most people thought he was just okay. I liked his kindness demeanor and some of his video game interests, and that we both had jobs and our own places.

I met this date through an app because he has family that lives near me. We connected by playing remote games with each other, and about 4 months later on, we came by my place and we had a little fun.

Then he got sick after staying at his parents for a few days. He ended up being in the hospital for two weeks. I almost brushed him off, but kept reaching out here and there, and eventually we did a video chat and I could see he really was in the hospital. He learned about my "label" then and we talked about our life situations.

We did more remote gaming about 2 more months, then I went to visit him and we agreed I'd stay three nights.
I live about a 4 hr drive away from him. It's about 6-7 if I'm trying to skip a $65 toll (which I did, lol).

During my visit, we enjoyed playing video games together. We always ate separately though and he didn't want to share any food with me except for the individualized drinks and snacks that he bought.

The second night I was there, I expressed my concerns about physicality and he said he wasn't able to be physical because of his condition. This was true basically, but it didn't clique with me entirely at the beginning. Then I asked him if he was interested in me and he said he didn't know. Things got awkward after that.

Right before I left, I asked about being friends and he said he was open to that. But then I told him that I still enjoy doing the remote gaming that we did before and that he was open to visit me to hang even if it's only platonic. His reply was that he was busy. Then I told him that as he already knows, I'm open to planning and that I wouldn't have been able to visit him if we didn't plan. So, of course he can plan with me. Nothing was said after that.

It hurt. Like a ton of bricks.
I didn't have a place I could belong with him despite connecting in a cool way with remote interactive fiction games- date or friendship.

 

[Aspychata]

We don't always read the signs correctly. It's like we are driving on the freeway and the sign says impeding danger, cliff ahead, turn around. But we are busy looking at the sign post, the reflective paint on the sign, and the bird dropping poop on the word danger and just keep driving forward until we hit the brakes.

Sorry you are upset about this.

 

[paloftoon]

We don't always read the signs correctly. It's like we are driving on the freeway and the sign says impeding danger, cliff ahead, turn around. But we are busy looking at the sign post, the reflective paint on the sign, and the bird dropping poop on the word danger and just keep driving forward until we hit the brakes.

Sorry you are upset about this.

I'm glad I wasn't totally off the mark, but it still hurts.

"Danger" isn't the right word in this case.
Like me and him don't feel we would do anything physically bad to each other. We know where each other lives. I trusted him to not damage my computer with allowing remote control when we played games together. If that was about to happen, I could just turn off my computer if I had to.

The "danger" is more like risk of a bird pooping on me or of me not noticing an upcoming prickly bush.

Very basically, he just isn't interested in continuing the connection basically.

 

[OkRad]

Happened to me a lot in life. And wow, it hurts every time.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I did feel rejected when she just quietly stopped contact. But I did not see that this was inevitable since I felt giddy about finally asking somebody out . . . at 27. We lacked many common interests; i.e. she was into commercial team sports, while I was into personal sports, like XC skiing. It hurt, but it taught me lessons that let me recognize the important attributes of the person who is now my spouse when I met her.

 

[paloftoon]

I have an interesting thought after speaking to another friend.

Do you think it would be a good idea to wait some time and then possibly initiate a short convo w former date and mention how it seems hard for both of us to process the temporary physical limitations of what he is going through and then ask about gaming? Or is it just done and over with if he doesn’t initiate ?

I do sense that his past experiences affect him in a way where he might not feel a need to initiate and might just simply be content with what he has.

Although considering my emotional feelings about the situation earlier, I'm not so sure at all. What is your opinion?

 

[paloftoon]

I have realized my expectations have been too high now. I didn’t realize this before. I am not sure what to do. Sigh

 

[Fino]

Dating is one of the incomprehensible madnesses of human behavior.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Sex is not always easy or fun for everyone. Sometimes it hurts because it's like dancing but laying down. If it hurts enough the first time, then I would not want to again. Sometimes I have troubles, but I have to be macho for her. Idk why, it's stuck like that.

There are basic men's health issues, and unpleasant things like IBS, and ED. Those are both stress affected, also hygiene and comfort ability. Like if I'm dirty and so are the sheets. And I don't think there are any towels, and I didn't go shopping, and the house is dirty, and I am scared of her seeing like business records or other personal things or asking me alot of questions, women love doing interviews.
The more I feel I have to protect myself and really reach out to be in the middle for her, the less I want to try.

There can be a lot going on in the noggin. That stuff will sometimes just shut it all off.

It's got nothing to do with you.
Kinda true, kinda a cop out.


I think too that a great friendship can survive a brief affair, but casual lovers don't often become friends. If I really thought highly of her I might want her as a friend that would bird dog for me, and do trips for fun because lovers always leave me, and often RIP me off. They do.

Friends is more special to me, at least I get a return for my investment in the relationship.
It costs me alot in time and trouble to get to where I can trust someone enough to get naked, sex can be rishratha(ringworld)

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Great intimacy involves some exposure and trust and cooperation eventually. As soon as she starts getting involved with my business and offering advice, I start pulling back.

Anyways someone worthy of your love should be able to talk to you about all that,(and all the rest of it) in the nude, while washing your feet, or making you breakfast, or something like that.

I absolutely guarantee that if someone came to see me, I would not be playing video games or drinking too much or doing something selfish like that.

More like cuddle, nap, fork, Spoon, wash, snack, walk , then repeat. ;-)
Maybe some funny movies or some special music. Or like an excursion adventure. To go get more snacks, of course, so one is well enough supplied to
[ see above] repeat the special happy alone time cycle....


If at first you don't succeed, try try again. A liaison should be a lusty affair I think, but supportive. Grab bars in the shower area are most joyous, and the no slip stickers put on for standing up on.

Men are funny though. We can sort of shut that part off. And be body shy but deny it. And be re invited to partake of fleshly pursuits. And then say no because we think we cannot do it any more, or never really knew how to begin with.

Still though he should be able to talk about that too, while washing your hair.

 

[paloftoon]

After thinking about many different opinions from several forums and putting it altogether, I'd say I was at fault. There were some things I didn't realize before:


1. I don't know what he's thinking about overall for everything else, but I experienced enough to know what he is thinking about me basically
(Most people will not want to deal with this kind of emotional baggage.)

2. I caused this situation and I didn't realize it. I got emotional because my feelings felt that he wasn't being affectionate enough.
I think in a situation where distance and health were not factors, my reaction might have been more emotionally acceptable. In this context that I wasn't able to fully process at first (health and distance), I made a big error.

3. He didn't make a bad decision to talk with me or even have me over. That was all built up naturally. He probably and sensibly feels he did make a bad decision at this point.

4. I was somewhat "keeping count" of how many times we were initiating.
"Keeping count" has helped me minimize the past "head games" that others played on me on purpose.
I've had to learn everything socially on my own. When I was a child, I was told I was doing things wrong socially where others were intentionally being manipulative towards me. I had racial barriers, social barriers, and probably implied sexual orientation barriers too. I let my whole life of experiences get in the way of seeing this situation for what it really is.

My mind space of "keeping count" is kind of extreme as I even to do the same with FB. I only keep the friends who communicate with me (I don't block them, but I actually unfriend them. I'd be happy to add them back if they step up their quality of communication with me. Before I add new people now, I let them know this can happen and any problems with disconnecting has been minimal.) This helps me so that I don't keep contacting someone who doesn't want to actually be contacted. For some people who should be professional connections and not personal, I encourage them to add me on LinkedIn or to start a LinkedIn account if they don't have one already.
This guy I'm telling you about, I even told him this aspect of myself with FB.
This kind of rigidity has helped me grow socially in a lot of social situations I might've not known how to deal with originally and has served me well most of the time.

Playing chess is a logical game and Scrabble is a logical game too. I am a "logical" person, Not 100% logical, as I can be creative and take good/bad educated risks, but all these things (naturally) contribute (too much) to the rigidity dynamic in other parts of my life.

(Note: Everything above very aspie like on a deep, social level)

This person had a kindness that I was able to share back in my own way. We made it work before, and I unintentionally made it no longer work because I didn't process this situation well enough.
The way I handled the hospital situation was good by luck because I had an unintended space to discuss with him about my concerns about the gap in communication as I was just getting to know him more. We shared some personal things with each other at that time, and the friendship/connection grew from there. We shared vulnerability.

Simply spending all that time together and enjoying our time together should simply be enough!

5. While I may not seem busy to some people outside of this forum, I actually am busy. This has been an emotional rollercoaster for me and I did what I had to do to keep the rest of my life afloat but still learn from this entire experience. I just try to keep my life enriched and sometimes, I just do "too good of a job" at doing this. Most people probably have no idea because they are usually trying to tell me that "I need to get out and do more." Can other people "get out and do more of the things I want to do too"? What gives that person a right to ask me to do more when they aren't trying to share in my own interests or emotional connections too? Nothing- many of us just naturally say that, lol!
Sometimes I also just need to step back and just take breaks and "do nothing" too.



I hope this guy somehow actually gives me another chance despite all this. It's too easy to flounder in life. It would raise the level of friendship/connection because we resolved a difficult social struggle together.

 

[paloftoon]

Sex is not always easy or fun for everyone. Sometimes it hurts because it's like dancing but laying down. If it hurts enough the first time, then I would not want to again. Sometimes I have troubles, but I have to be macho for her. Idk why, it's stuck like that.

There are basic men's health issues, and unpleasant things like IBS, and ED. Those are both stress affected, also hygiene and comfort ability. Like if I'm dirty and so are the sheets. And I don't think there are any towels, and I didn't go shopping, and the house is dirty, and I am scared of her seeing like business records or other personal things or asking me alot of questions, women love doing interviews.
The more I feel I have to protect myself and really reach out to be in the middle for her, the less I want to try.

There can be a lot going on in the noggin. That stuff will sometimes just shut it all off.

It's got nothing to do with you.
Kinda true, kinda a cop out.


I think too that a great friendship can survive a brief affair, but casual lovers don't often become friends. If I really thought highly of her I might want her as a friend that would bird dog for me, and do trips for fun because lovers always leave me, and often RIP me off. They do.

Friends is more special to me, at least I get a return for my investment in the relationship.
It costs me alot in time and trouble to get to where I can trust someone enough to get naked, sex can be rishratha(ringworld)

The guy and myself did discuss some men's health issues. We seemed okay with dealing with our issues actually. What I needed to realize was that before he was at the hospital, we got affectionate. But afterward his visit, he was still recovering and he was not able to process or feel comfortable to be affectionate. He was trying to go at his pace and his idea of showing connections is through other actions rather than words. I didn't notice all these actions as they aren't always ways to typically connect.

I understand what you're saying. But, in this case, this was all me because I didn't factor in the context of the health nor the distance properly!

 

[paloftoon]

Great intimacy involves some exposure and trust and cooperation eventually. As soon as she starts getting involved with my business and offering advice, I start pulling back.

Anyways someone worthy of your love should be able to talk to you about all that,(and all the rest of it) in the nude, while washing your feet, or making you breakfast, or something like that.

I absolutely guarantee that if someone came to see me, I would not be playing video games or drinking too much or doing something selfish like that.

More like cuddle, nap, fork, Spoon, wash, snack, walk , then repeat. ;-)
Maybe some funny movies or some special music. Or like an excursion adventure. To go get more snacks, of course, so one is well enough supplied to
[ see above] repeat the special happy alone time cycle....


. . .r.

That sounds very sensible for a normal connection. This wasn't a normal connection. Me and the other person bonded over video games. He used to be a video game major. We played interactive fiction games cooperatively where I gave him remote control privileges so that we could play the same game on my computer. This created trust and some teaming. I came up with the idea myself, and I think it's a relatively unusual thing to do with another person in this manner. It works well in a pandemic type situation.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Sounds like a radically different cultural bias than what I know. Best of luck to you.

 

[paloftoon]

On another forum, and with my friends in general, most people seem to agree that it's not worth the effort to even be friends with this guy and that it would be better for my mental health. That makes me think again. . .

 

[paloftoon]

Great intimacy involves some exposure and trust and cooperation eventually. As soon as she starts getting involved with my business and offering advice, I start pulling back.

. . . .

These two statements, I just noticed, kind of contradict.

You start pulling back? Sounds like you need to trust and cooperate with her or at least communicate with her that you don't want her to continue helping or "helping" you out, and that you can trust her to do so once you're clear about that.

Maybe that has already happened, but it just wasn't worded like that in that part of the post. Sorry if I'm picking too much. I have a tendency to do that and some may do so on here particularly.

 

[paloftoon]

Looking at this thread once again, yes, because I'm lamenting over the likelihood that I messed up a good thing here and that I don't have a chance to make up for it. I've done everything I can to make myself a better person and hopefully there will be more connections like this that can solidify and not wilt away.

Basically I waited about 2 weeks and worked on how to properly apologize and see this for how it really is and for how I can improve myself. I was proud of what I came up with. I know that if I heard someone tell me something like the outline I made for myself, it would make me feel good inside and want to be around that person.
2 weeks might seem kind of long, but I definitely needed that time and definitely needed to show that I could provide some space for him and myself.

But now, I feel like it's borderline dragging too long and I can just ask a few more times and then move on.