Looking for perspective in my search for my partner (rambling)

[aspieman2396]

Hey guys,

I recently came back on the forum and I mentioned that I was beginning my search for a partner. I wanted to just talk about it.

I have had a few situationships, I got ghosted before, I went on dates, nothing really led anywhere, I have held hands with a few girls (tldr, i've been around the block without being around the block), but I held off on really pursuing anything because I was stuck in my home with my abusive parents just trying to build my future and survive what they put me through and I had internal things I was battling as well, mainly because of all the years of bullying and exclusion from people at school and even my own family. As I went through my abusive situation at home with my father and his ex wife and witnessing how their relationship deteriorated before my very eyes and how much his ex wife hardcore abused and manipulated me and my father (emotionally, mentally, physically) also dealing with the things my dad did to me in the terms of abuse, nothing has been more important to me in finding a partner who is the right fit for me, this means I will not jump into a relationship in which the girl is immature or flaky or a gold digger (I've seen a lot of girls like that in my old city and the two women who were supposed to be "mom" were the epitome of gold digger). I am REALLY afraid of being abused again, that's why I'm very selective in looking for someone. I love myself and I have parts of myself that I really want to save for the right person and that I know the right person will understand and accept me.

I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic however, I have been getting better in making friends over these past few years. I noticed that people who are single, complain and complain about not having partners, I decided I am NOT going to be in that group of people. I am going to be positive for a change and I am manifesting a really awesome girl who will be my best friend and the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've changed the way I look at myself, I used to think I was ugly, now I think I'm attractive and cute and I think of myself as someone who's made it against all odds and I have true reasons to believe it. I am doing REALLY well for a high functioning Aspie and I'm living my life to the fullest doing things that I really wanted to do as an adult within reason. People have told me that I am funny and sweet and smart and they couldn't even tell that I was autistic. I'm working on myself to make sure I reach my goal even more.

Anyways, it has it's pitfalls, I do get sad whenever I see couples announce their engagement and I get home after a long day and there's nobody there, I just want someone to hold me and tell me that's it's going to be alright, I cried myself to sleep a lot about it, I am also very touchstarved. however, I'm not concerned about my future because I will find someone awesome, I just need to work on myself a tiny bit more. I am trying to remind myself that I will not end up being alone.

Anyways, Anybody here who has a partner already, how did you navigate those times that you hit rock bottom single and how did you navigate the loneliness and the touchstarvedness?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I hit rock bottom socially when I realized that my isolation was not going to change without changing my relationship to the world. I had felt that I shouldn't even try because it would just confirm my feeling of rejection. Only from my current perspective do I recognize that it was self rejection. I started appreciating myself and decided to be my own best friend. I enjoyed my interests and became involved in activity groups, primarily the Sierra Club for its outings. I started asking out women, sometimes with results, sometimes not. but I learned that it was not personal. I had one short term relationship that went nowhere, in part because I did not know how to be more intimate.

But, from all this I learned just what personality I needed to hit it off with and how I needed to act to support a relationship. First, somebody who is accepting. Then, somebody who is interested in the world both with outdoor activities and cultural events. And, finally, somebody who could appreciate my interests and give me adequate freedom for them. I was primed to understand when I met somebody like that. Then it happened in the most unlikely way, contacting her to carpool to a trail maintenance project. She met my criteria and more such that my inhibitions about opening up to another melted away, to the delight of both of us. That was 43 years ago, and while we age I am very happy to show her that my desire remains unabated.

Do not sell yourself short. You do sound that you have desirable qualities. The task, which is a very hard one for us ASD is to be comfortable selling ourselves to potential partners. I had to study body language to understand how to present openly, demonstrate my interest, and understand signals. Hardest part was looking a potential partner in the eyes, but when she would lean in, with dialated pupils, playing with her hair, I knew it was game on. And y'know, I was enjoying that dance.

 

[aspieman2396]

One thing that's REALLY important to me, is trust.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

One thing that's REALLY important to me, is trust.

Intimacy, to be meaningful, requires it.

 

[paloftoon]

Do you live on your own aspieman2396? Since there is undue tension between you and your parents, some potential mates can get turned off and do not want to deal with these kind of situations. This would be a good life goal to have. Wishing you the best here.

 

[aspieman2396]

Do you live on your own aspieman2396? Since there is undue tension between you and your parents, some potential mates can get turned off and do not want to deal with these kind of situations. This would be a good life goal to have. Wishing you the best here.

I live on my own now.