puzzledbutlearning
Active Member
I'm hoping for some insight from those who have been through this and those are AS themselves. I was dating a 31 year old guy for a year. He seemed wonderful. He was affectionate and polite. When we first met, he seemed very interested in me. He suggested we take a weekend away and we did. We had a great time. He asked me to meet his parents about a month into dating, and I did. They seemed lovely. A couple of months into the relationship, his grandmother passed away. Because we hadn't been seeing each other long, I expected that he would attend the funeral alone. Instead, it seemed to be a big deal to him that I attend as well. I went with him and met his extended family. He cried during the funeral. It was the first time I'd seen him express such emotion. He always seemed so even and generally happy. He thanked me for being there for him. I told him that I loved him. I told him I hoped it wouldn't be too much to hear and he said it wasn't and that it didn't freak him out at all. Fast forward to Christmas time and he invited me to spend it with his parents and family. I did. Things seemed fine. I should mention that he has a diagnosed autistic sister and a brother who his mother feels is high functioning but the on the spectrum. His sister experienced a meltdown due to the social stress and I excused myself to go up to my room because I felt it was best. I know I heard him crying downstairs (I can't tell you what was said because he's from another country and they don't speak English). He came up to get me and didn't seem to want to show signs that he had been crying. He just said he didn't know how to help her.
About 2 days after we returned from Christmas he texted me that we needed to talk. I felt in my gut something was wrong. He came over and proceeded to tell me that I needed to understand that he really, really liked me but that when we had discussed having him meet my family and the relationship moving forward over Christmas, it scared him and he didn't think he could go on with things. I started to cry. He started to cry. He said we would take about it more the next day. Something important to mention: He is 31 and I was his first and only girlfriend. I told him I thought he was scared due to inexperience and that most people have some doubts in relationships but you face them together and get stronger. The next day I went to see him and he said he thought I was right and it was just inexperience and doubts and instead he asked me to move in with him. He said "I want to see more of you." So we thought we patched things up. He said he talked to his best friend who reassured him it was normal to have doubts. He said, "I don't want you to think I will ever do that again because I won't. I think this has made us stronger." He even offered to apologize to my parents because I had called them very upset.
So we lived together for several months. He was waiting for news about whether he would get a better job offer or if we would have to move back to the country he is from (I'm not mentioning it to make sure this is a non-identifying post). We were in limbo waiting to hear but in the meantime, he helped me make plans for my business and even said that we might need to renew my visa in his country of origin (I was living abroad during this) because we might be living there. In short, we were planning a future together. I had a relationship with a man who was undiagnosed AS in the past and when he took a new job, he left me. It's just a personal trigger for me and I simply wanted to have a conversation about my anxiety about this topic. I started the discussion by saying I just wanted to express some anxiety i was having. Out of the blue he stared at me and proceeded to dump me. He said, "I Don't love you. I'm not in love with you." It was a gut punch. He had been so affectionate and had told me once that when he saw me so upset and crying the first time he thought about breaking up he thought it meant he knew he loved me. I was devastated and in shock. He went on to say that he didn't see us together in 2 years and was going home to visit his parents and "needed to talk to them." I should also mention that he does nothing without consulting with parents and his best friend. He's incredibly indecisive and seems to need others to instruct as to what to do with decisions like which jobs to take and where to live etc. I find that immature for a 31 year old male. Any time he gets off of work, he spends with his family or going on vacations with them. I thought they were just a close family but I'm starting to think this might have something to do with him being AS.
He went home and apparently told them he didn't love me so of course they told him what he wanted to hear: END IT. His mother always says he bottles up his emotions and doesn't express them. She told him if he had such doubts he shouldn't have asked me to move in but he reasoned that "how would he have known about us if he hadn't had me move in." He was incredibly cold and callous. He said that he could see himself married even in a year but didn't love me so I assume he means to someone else. He said, "I had to work at this." He also asked me how I knew I loved him and said that I was a nice person and he was trying to rationalize why he didn't feel the way he should about me. It was odd and felt robotic. Love is an emotion and rationalizing it seemed odd to me.
He told me I had to leave the apartment and go back to live with my family. So in the span of 2 days I had to leave the country I was living in, leave my job etc. and return to the United States because he couldn't stand the sight of me suddenly.
The only contact he has initiated was sending me tracking numbers for my boxes and telling me he was sending me a piece of mail that had come to the apartment for me. Each message started with "HI" and "Hope you had a good flight." How oblivious can you be? You break someone's heart and then send messages with cordial greetings. It's bizarre.
In any case, I came home and had some time to think and realized that this is exactly what happened with my last AS boyfriend. Before anyone says anything, I am in therapy to figure out what attracted me to these guys in the first place so it doesn't happen again. But I am devastated. I'm convinced he's AS and given that his sister and brother are, I feel even more certain. I think his family thinks he's fine...just that "bottles up emotions." He was never emotional accept at his grandmother's funeral and when he talked about his sister. He denies lacking emotional depth but the cold way he discarded me speaks otherwise.
Can anyone shed any light on why these guys just suddenly disappear? The last one I dated freaked and dumped me several times when we were living together and he changed jobs and moved. And this time, we were very close to hearing if he would get an extension on his contract or if we would move to his home country. It's like when things are changing or getting more serious they run. I'm just lost...it happened so suddenly and everything had been fine up until then. We never fought. He just coldly informed me he didn't feel the way "he should" about me. I suspect that's because he can't feel the way he should in a relationship. I should have seen it as a red flag that he's 31 and never had a relationship before me. Apparently his grandmother was worried about why he couldn't meet a nice girl before she died and it was a huge deal with the family that he had a girlfriend. I got quite close to the family as well.
Can anyone help me understand what happens with AS guys? I'm at a total loss. I know I'll never hear from him again. I'll never hear an "I'm so sorry for what I did." And I have to live with that and it's tearing me up.
About 2 days after we returned from Christmas he texted me that we needed to talk. I felt in my gut something was wrong. He came over and proceeded to tell me that I needed to understand that he really, really liked me but that when we had discussed having him meet my family and the relationship moving forward over Christmas, it scared him and he didn't think he could go on with things. I started to cry. He started to cry. He said we would take about it more the next day. Something important to mention: He is 31 and I was his first and only girlfriend. I told him I thought he was scared due to inexperience and that most people have some doubts in relationships but you face them together and get stronger. The next day I went to see him and he said he thought I was right and it was just inexperience and doubts and instead he asked me to move in with him. He said "I want to see more of you." So we thought we patched things up. He said he talked to his best friend who reassured him it was normal to have doubts. He said, "I don't want you to think I will ever do that again because I won't. I think this has made us stronger." He even offered to apologize to my parents because I had called them very upset.
So we lived together for several months. He was waiting for news about whether he would get a better job offer or if we would have to move back to the country he is from (I'm not mentioning it to make sure this is a non-identifying post). We were in limbo waiting to hear but in the meantime, he helped me make plans for my business and even said that we might need to renew my visa in his country of origin (I was living abroad during this) because we might be living there. In short, we were planning a future together. I had a relationship with a man who was undiagnosed AS in the past and when he took a new job, he left me. It's just a personal trigger for me and I simply wanted to have a conversation about my anxiety about this topic. I started the discussion by saying I just wanted to express some anxiety i was having. Out of the blue he stared at me and proceeded to dump me. He said, "I Don't love you. I'm not in love with you." It was a gut punch. He had been so affectionate and had told me once that when he saw me so upset and crying the first time he thought about breaking up he thought it meant he knew he loved me. I was devastated and in shock. He went on to say that he didn't see us together in 2 years and was going home to visit his parents and "needed to talk to them." I should also mention that he does nothing without consulting with parents and his best friend. He's incredibly indecisive and seems to need others to instruct as to what to do with decisions like which jobs to take and where to live etc. I find that immature for a 31 year old male. Any time he gets off of work, he spends with his family or going on vacations with them. I thought they were just a close family but I'm starting to think this might have something to do with him being AS.
He went home and apparently told them he didn't love me so of course they told him what he wanted to hear: END IT. His mother always says he bottles up his emotions and doesn't express them. She told him if he had such doubts he shouldn't have asked me to move in but he reasoned that "how would he have known about us if he hadn't had me move in." He was incredibly cold and callous. He said that he could see himself married even in a year but didn't love me so I assume he means to someone else. He said, "I had to work at this." He also asked me how I knew I loved him and said that I was a nice person and he was trying to rationalize why he didn't feel the way he should about me. It was odd and felt robotic. Love is an emotion and rationalizing it seemed odd to me.
He told me I had to leave the apartment and go back to live with my family. So in the span of 2 days I had to leave the country I was living in, leave my job etc. and return to the United States because he couldn't stand the sight of me suddenly.
The only contact he has initiated was sending me tracking numbers for my boxes and telling me he was sending me a piece of mail that had come to the apartment for me. Each message started with "HI" and "Hope you had a good flight." How oblivious can you be? You break someone's heart and then send messages with cordial greetings. It's bizarre.
In any case, I came home and had some time to think and realized that this is exactly what happened with my last AS boyfriend. Before anyone says anything, I am in therapy to figure out what attracted me to these guys in the first place so it doesn't happen again. But I am devastated. I'm convinced he's AS and given that his sister and brother are, I feel even more certain. I think his family thinks he's fine...just that "bottles up emotions." He was never emotional accept at his grandmother's funeral and when he talked about his sister. He denies lacking emotional depth but the cold way he discarded me speaks otherwise.
Can anyone shed any light on why these guys just suddenly disappear? The last one I dated freaked and dumped me several times when we were living together and he changed jobs and moved. And this time, we were very close to hearing if he would get an extension on his contract or if we would move to his home country. It's like when things are changing or getting more serious they run. I'm just lost...it happened so suddenly and everything had been fine up until then. We never fought. He just coldly informed me he didn't feel the way "he should" about me. I suspect that's because he can't feel the way he should in a relationship. I should have seen it as a red flag that he's 31 and never had a relationship before me. Apparently his grandmother was worried about why he couldn't meet a nice girl before she died and it was a huge deal with the family that he had a girlfriend. I got quite close to the family as well.
Can anyone help me understand what happens with AS guys? I'm at a total loss. I know I'll never hear from him again. I'll never hear an "I'm so sorry for what I did." And I have to live with that and it's tearing me up.