Looking for insight

[puzzledbutlearning]

I'm hoping for some insight from those who have been through this and those are AS themselves. I was dating a 31 year old guy for a year. He seemed wonderful. He was affectionate and polite. When we first met, he seemed very interested in me. He suggested we take a weekend away and we did. We had a great time. He asked me to meet his parents about a month into dating, and I did. They seemed lovely. A couple of months into the relationship, his grandmother passed away. Because we hadn't been seeing each other long, I expected that he would attend the funeral alone. Instead, it seemed to be a big deal to him that I attend as well. I went with him and met his extended family. He cried during the funeral. It was the first time I'd seen him express such emotion. He always seemed so even and generally happy. He thanked me for being there for him. I told him that I loved him. I told him I hoped it wouldn't be too much to hear and he said it wasn't and that it didn't freak him out at all. Fast forward to Christmas time and he invited me to spend it with his parents and family. I did. Things seemed fine. I should mention that he has a diagnosed autistic sister and a brother who his mother feels is high functioning but the on the spectrum. His sister experienced a meltdown due to the social stress and I excused myself to go up to my room because I felt it was best. I know I heard him crying downstairs (I can't tell you what was said because he's from another country and they don't speak English). He came up to get me and didn't seem to want to show signs that he had been crying. He just said he didn't know how to help her.

About 2 days after we returned from Christmas he texted me that we needed to talk. I felt in my gut something was wrong. He came over and proceeded to tell me that I needed to understand that he really, really liked me but that when we had discussed having him meet my family and the relationship moving forward over Christmas, it scared him and he didn't think he could go on with things. I started to cry. He started to cry. He said we would take about it more the next day. Something important to mention: He is 31 and I was his first and only girlfriend. I told him I thought he was scared due to inexperience and that most people have some doubts in relationships but you face them together and get stronger. The next day I went to see him and he said he thought I was right and it was just inexperience and doubts and instead he asked me to move in with him. He said "I want to see more of you." So we thought we patched things up. He said he talked to his best friend who reassured him it was normal to have doubts. He said, "I don't want you to think I will ever do that again because I won't. I think this has made us stronger." He even offered to apologize to my parents because I had called them very upset.

So we lived together for several months. He was waiting for news about whether he would get a better job offer or if we would have to move back to the country he is from (I'm not mentioning it to make sure this is a non-identifying post). We were in limbo waiting to hear but in the meantime, he helped me make plans for my business and even said that we might need to renew my visa in his country of origin (I was living abroad during this) because we might be living there. In short, we were planning a future together. I had a relationship with a man who was undiagnosed AS in the past and when he took a new job, he left me. It's just a personal trigger for me and I simply wanted to have a conversation about my anxiety about this topic. I started the discussion by saying I just wanted to express some anxiety i was having. Out of the blue he stared at me and proceeded to dump me. He said, "I Don't love you. I'm not in love with you." It was a gut punch. He had been so affectionate and had told me once that when he saw me so upset and crying the first time he thought about breaking up he thought it meant he knew he loved me. I was devastated and in shock. He went on to say that he didn't see us together in 2 years and was going home to visit his parents and "needed to talk to them." I should also mention that he does nothing without consulting with parents and his best friend. He's incredibly indecisive and seems to need others to instruct as to what to do with decisions like which jobs to take and where to live etc. I find that immature for a 31 year old male. Any time he gets off of work, he spends with his family or going on vacations with them. I thought they were just a close family but I'm starting to think this might have something to do with him being AS.

He went home and apparently told them he didn't love me so of course they told him what he wanted to hear: END IT. His mother always says he bottles up his emotions and doesn't express them. She told him if he had such doubts he shouldn't have asked me to move in but he reasoned that "how would he have known about us if he hadn't had me move in." He was incredibly cold and callous. He said that he could see himself married even in a year but didn't love me so I assume he means to someone else. He said, "I had to work at this." He also asked me how I knew I loved him and said that I was a nice person and he was trying to rationalize why he didn't feel the way he should about me. It was odd and felt robotic. Love is an emotion and rationalizing it seemed odd to me.

He told me I had to leave the apartment and go back to live with my family. So in the span of 2 days I had to leave the country I was living in, leave my job etc. and return to the United States because he couldn't stand the sight of me suddenly.

The only contact he has initiated was sending me tracking numbers for my boxes and telling me he was sending me a piece of mail that had come to the apartment for me. Each message started with "HI" and "Hope you had a good flight." How oblivious can you be? You break someone's heart and then send messages with cordial greetings. It's bizarre.

In any case, I came home and had some time to think and realized that this is exactly what happened with my last AS boyfriend. Before anyone says anything, I am in therapy to figure out what attracted me to these guys in the first place so it doesn't happen again. But I am devastated. I'm convinced he's AS and given that his sister and brother are, I feel even more certain. I think his family thinks he's fine...just that "bottles up emotions." He was never emotional accept at his grandmother's funeral and when he talked about his sister. He denies lacking emotional depth but the cold way he discarded me speaks otherwise.

Can anyone shed any light on why these guys just suddenly disappear? The last one I dated freaked and dumped me several times when we were living together and he changed jobs and moved. And this time, we were very close to hearing if he would get an extension on his contract or if we would move to his home country. It's like when things are changing or getting more serious they run. I'm just lost...it happened so suddenly and everything had been fine up until then. We never fought. He just coldly informed me he didn't feel the way "he should" about me. I suspect that's because he can't feel the way he should in a relationship. I should have seen it as a red flag that he's 31 and never had a relationship before me. Apparently his grandmother was worried about why he couldn't meet a nice girl before she died and it was a huge deal with the family that he had a girlfriend. I got quite close to the family as well.

Can anyone help me understand what happens with AS guys? I'm at a total loss. I know I'll never hear from him again. I'll never hear an "I'm so sorry for what I did." And I have to live with that and it's tearing me up.

 

[WittyAspie]

I think you answered your own question. He isn’t capable of feeling the way he thinks he should feel in a relationship. He also clearly has no idea how to express what he is feeling. That combination rarely works well in a relationship.

I’m sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I imagine it would be really hard not to take it personally, but realize that this guy’s actions had nothing to do with you. It’s a product of how his brain works. That being said, allow me to offer a word of advice.

It’s fine that you are in therapy, but the way you worded it makes it sound like dating another aspie would be a terrible thing. That’s not the most pleasant way to introduce yourself on a site full of aspies. Many of the members here have had long, successful relationships. When asking for help its best not to paint those you are requesting help from in a bad light.

 

[sisselcakes]

I think you answered your own question. He isn’t capable of feeling the way he thinks he should feel in a relationship. He also clearly has no idea how to express what he is feeling. That combination rarely works well in a relationship.

I’m sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I imagine it would be really hard not to take it personally, but realize that this guy’s actions had nothing to do with you. It’s a product of how his brain works. That being said, allow me to offer a word of advice.

It’s fine that you are in therapy, but the way you worded it makes it sound like dating another aspie would be a terrible thing. That’s not the most pleasant way to introduce yourself on a site full of aspies. Many of the members here have had long, successful relationships. When asking for help its best not to paint those you are requesting help from in a bad light.

I didn’t take her wording as though she thinks it would be the worst thing to date an Aspie guy. It’s sounded to me like she’s looking for answers because she’s confused.

 

[SusanLR]

I'm not a male Aspie, but, I've been in his position when it came to first dating and thinking I was in love.
It seemed good in a way, yet it IS change and that is something that we find hard.
I ended up feeling my feelings for him were pulling me away from the life I had always known and therefore
changing me somehow.
Also I was so close with my parents that even though I have had some long term relationships,
I never wanted to change my life to leave home and start a life with someone else.
What I had with my family was so trusting and close, I couldn't feel it would ever be that way with someone else.
I can't speak for everyone here, but, not wanting major change and lack of belief in the solidity of the relationships kept me from making the break from the known to the unknown.
Allowing myself to feel close takes a long time. They had always moved on by then.

 

[puzzledbutlearning]

I didn’t take her wording as though she thinks it would be the worst thing to date an Aspie guy. It’s sounded to me like she’s looking for answers because she’s confused.

Yes. I'm just looking for insight. I didn't mean to offend anyone here. I've dated two ASD guys now and both relationships have taken the same course so I'm trying to figure out what happens that makes them run when things are seemingly going well and progressing.

 

[puzzledbutlearning]

I think you answered your own question. He isn’t capable of feeling the way he thinks he should feel in a relationship. He also clearly has no idea how to express what he is feeling. That combination rarely works well in a relationship.

I’m sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I imagine it would be really hard not to take it personally, but realize that this guy’s actions had nothing to do with you. It’s a product of how his brain works. That being said, allow me to offer a word of advice.

It’s fine that you are in therapy, but the way you worded it makes it sound like dating another aspie would be a terrible thing. That’s not the most pleasant way to introduce yourself on a site full of aspies. Many of the members here have had long, successful relationships. When asking for help its best not to paint those you are requesting help from in a bad light.

I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm simply searching for insight into what makes someone with ASD run from a seemingly good relationship. Sorry if my post was offensive in any way.

 

[puzzledbutlearning]

I'm not a male Aspie, but, I've been in his position when it came to first dating and thinking I was in love.
It seemed good in a way, yet it IS change and that is something that we find hard.
I ended up feeling my feelings for him were pulling me away from the life I had always known and therefore
changing me somehow.
Also I was so close with my parents that even though I have had some long term relationships,
I never wanted to change my life to leave home and start a life with someone else.
What I had with my family was so trusting and close, I couldn't feel it would ever be that way with someone else.
I can't speak for everyone here, but, not wanting major change and lack of belief in the solidity of the relationships kept me from making the break from the known to the unknown.
Allowing myself to feel close takes a long time. They had always moved on by then.

Thank you very much for sharing. I think you have a point about how your relationship with your family provides trust and is close. I suspect that might be why he is so close to his family. He had lived at home most of his life, even during his college years and master's degree. He only left to live with his best friend only 5 minutes away from his parents. When his best friend got a girlfriend and told him he needed to move out, he moved to an apartment around the block from his parents' home and his mother said he visited her everyday for coffee. He told me that moving to the country we met in was a HUGE deal. He moved there to take a job offer.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Your whole post is you describing a string of red flags, wondering "what went wrong?!".

A weekend away? How long into it was this? Less than a month. Oh boy.
Meeting parents one month in? Oh geez.
Being dragged into a family and a funeral when you knew the dude for a few months?

I mean that 3rd one should have just been a giant siren going off. The "Psycho Yandere Clingy Guy" alarm. Instead you told him you loved him.
Oh and the constant crying. That's a red flag too. The family sounds like the Addams family. Except they cry and throw tantrums instead of torturing each other.

Then he broke up with you. Then he changed his mind. And you decided to move in together with him. In a different country.

The one big crazy foreign family would have sent any normal person running for the hills. You decided it would be a good idea to move to a foreign country and live with him.

What the hell were you thinking?

 

[puzzledbutlearning]

Your whole post is you describing a string of red flags, wondering "what went wrong?!".

A weekend away? How long into it was this? Less than a month. Oh boy.
Meeting parents one month in? Oh geez.
Being dragged into a family and a funeral when you knew the dude for a few months?

I mean that 3rd one should have just been a giant siren going off. The "Psycho Yandere Clingy Guy" alarm. Instead you told him you loved him.
Oh and the constant crying. That's a red flag too. The family sounds like the Addams family. Except they cry and throw tantrums instead of torturing each other.

Then he broke up with you. Then he changed his mind. And you decided to move in together with him. In a different country.

The one big crazy foreign family would have sent any normal person running for the hills. You decided it would be a good idea to move to a foreign country and live with him.

What the hell were you thinking?

Wow. You sound angry. He wasn't clingy...just seemed like he was in love. And please don't call his family the Addams Family. They are nice people who unfortunately have struggles with ASD. They treated me like family so I take offense to you calling them the Addams family. We were dating a couple of months when we went for a weekend to another city together. I think you are being rather harsh. They are kind people. And I met him in the foreign country where we both already living. I didn't move to that country to be with him. We met when we were both living there. He cried when his grandmother died, which is appropriate for anyone who loses a family member and he cried about his sister's extreme struggles with ASD. I do agree that him being 31 and never having had a girlfriend was a red flag that I missed.

 

[kay]

His being 31 and never having a girlfriend wasn't a "red flag" but "He came over and proceeded to tell me that I needed to understand that he really, really liked me but that when we had discussed having him meet my family and the relationship moving forward over Christmas, it scared him and he didn't think he could go on with things", that was a "red flag".

These guys you have dated may freak out and shut down a bit. I can see being in love being too much to handle for some people. It is an intense and scary feeling.

Other possibility is you are a wonderful, nice person that he liked a great deal and logically it seemed he should have been love but then he realized that it wasn't love. Just strong like and admiration, maybe with a dash of lust or excitement at the idea of finally having a girlfriend. It happens to NTs, people sometimes realize it after they marry. I have heard quite a few people say such things about past relationships. Quite a few people of all ages and brain types think they are in love and then come to the conclusion it was merely lust or like or freak out about it at some point. Not just an ASD exclusive.

Sorry things didn't work out, good luck with therapy.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Hmmm... Interesting. I am not angry at all. The primary emotion felt was just pure amazement. I am even more amazed now.

On the clarification of meeting him in the country and not moving to be with him: Then why did you suddenly in the span of 2 days have to move back to the USA? You relied on him (despite all the red flags) and then when he decided he no longer wanted you around you were caught with your pants down. That is the exact consequence I was talking about when I said: What the hell were you thinking?

Him not ever having had a relationship at the age of 31 one is not one of the red flags. It's something that needs a sound explanation, and AS fits that quite well. It simply needs to fit with him as the person he is portraying to be. Only if it doesn't fit, is it a red flag. Implying that not having had a relationship by the age of 31 is a red flag is worse than anything I would dare to say.

You were wondering why you got burned, I explained and you just took offense. Yes I am harsh. The truth can be harsh. I have AS myself so I'm not the kind to go picking on a family because they have AS troubles. You are the one portraying this messed up family dynamic as purely caused by AS. I think that AS is the least of their troubles.

You were oblivious to all of the obvious signs. You blame his AS although most of these red flags are not typical of AS at all. You deny that he was being clingy, but he wasn't in love as evidenced by how he ended it. You think his family is "kind and accepting" when they clearly are not, as kicking you out of his apartment within 2 days was the least of their worries.

I mean really... holy crap... Now that I'm reading your story again a few of the details just make me realize how messed up it was. It totally sounds like they were parading you around like "OMG There is nothing wrong with our son! He has a girlfriend now!". It's just... I don't even have words for it. And you thought that this was not a very messed up relationship? I'm trying to put this in the nicest way possible but I just can't. I feel like a clumsy kid in a shop full of glasses and the more I try to neatly arrange the glasses, the more I knock over and break. I keep trying to find other ways to explain to you... but they are even more offensive than my previous post...

 

[puzzledbutlearning]

Well we all have our points of view. I just don't agree that they are the Addams family. Do I think they are missing the signs that another one of their children has AS? Yes. The reason I had to move out quickly was because I had moved in with him and had rented out my old apartment so I had no choice but to move back home. I was quite devastated and needed to be near family and friends. What I was thinking was that I had moved in with my boyfriend who reassured me that he felt great about us living together. I have learned that if someone leaves me once, the relationship is going to be over. I won't allow someone to come back or say they have changed their mind. No---he wasn't in love. I don't think he has the emotional depth to experience that since he asked me how I knew I loved him and admitted he had never been in love before. I don't think he can love another person in the way necessary to sustain a relationship. Sorry my post has hit a nerve with you.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

It didn't at all. I don't see what part of my post shows frustration or anger. I was just a bit amused at the situation I was in, mainly that I offended you and that any attempt at trying to make you understand was even more offensive.

And again... there was no need for you to "recognize" AS signs. You still don't understand. Read my first post again. It spells everything out. It went wrong from the beginning. A weekend away with someone you barely know is a bad idea. Meeting his parents after a month was a bad idea. Getting dragged to a funeral and into a family in 3 months... bad idea. If you cannot recognize these super obvious signs then you are without a doubt going to end up in a whole bunch of bad situations in the future.

I mean... a weekend away with a guy you pretty much know nothing about is a very dangerous situation. Staying in his apartment, in a strange country while subletting your apartment meaning you end up trapped should things go bad... all this with a guy you knew for less than a year... also very dangerous.

What on earth possessed you to move ahead so quickly with someone who you barely knew, whose family showed various problems (Not talking about AS) and all that in a foreign country with foreigners? Did you have any contact with people there that knew this family or the guy? Could you really not see that everything about this relationship was shouting "Crazy" at the top of it's lungs?

Maybe I'm being even more offensive now than before... but I am truly mystified that you cannot see this. It's right in front of you and you keep pointing at the things that are not problems, while ignoring all the other extremely obvious crazy stuff that was going on.

 

[puzzledbutlearning]

It didn't at all. I don't see what part of my post shows frustration or anger. I was just a bit amused at the situation I was in, mainly that I offended you and that any attempt at trying to make you understand was even more offensive.

And again... there was no need for you to "recognize" AS signs. You still don't understand. Read my first post again. It spells everything out. It went wrong from the beginning. A weekend away with someone you barely know is a bad idea. Meeting his parents after a month was a bad idea. Getting dragged to a funeral and into a family in 3 months... bad idea. If you cannot recognize these super obvious signs then you are without a doubt going to end up in a whole bunch of bad situations in the future.

I mean... a weekend away with a guy you pretty much know nothing about is a very dangerous situation. Staying in his apartment, in a strange country while subletting your apartment meaning you end up trapped should things go bad... all this with a guy you knew for less than a year... also very dangerous.

What on earth possessed you to move ahead so quickly with someone who you barely knew, whose family showed various problems (Not talking about AS) and all that in a foreign country with foreigners? Did you have any contact with people there that knew this family or the guy? Could you really not see that everything about this relationship was shouting "Crazy" at the top of it's lungs?

Maybe I'm being even more offensive now than before... but I am truly mystified that you cannot see this. It's right in front of you and you keep pointing at the things that are not problems, while ignoring all the other extremely obvious crazy stuff that was going on.

I'm afraid I won't entertain any more replies from you because you have some of the facts just plain incorrect. His family DID talk about AS. His sister has it. Nothing was "crazy" about falling in love. Again, I'm just not going to entertain any more replies from you. I'm sorry, but you keep getting facts wrong.

 

[sisselcakes]

Yes. I'm just looking for insight. I didn't mean to offend anyone here. I've dated two ASD guys now and both relationships have taken the same course so I'm trying to figure out what happens that makes them run when things are seemingly going well and progressing.

Hi there. I would guess your perception is that things were going extremely well, but the guys didn't see it the same way! For whatever reason, it wasn't working for them and I would try not to take it personally, even though I know it's easy to do.

Let's put aside whether or not the guys actually were on the spectrum. The two who didn't work out may have some traits, from what you describe. There must be a reason why you are attracted to them and vice versa. For example, perhaps you give off a nurturing, accepting vibe and maybe you enjoyed their intellectual, logical natures or you shared common interests; but sadly, initial attraction doesn't mean it's going to work out long term.

Maybe it would be good to reflect on what you liked about them and some of the warning signs you didn't pay attention to. You already said there was one you had considered (he hadn't had a relationship before). Looking at the dynamic (your role) will help you to avoid this in the future.

I know it's terribly disappointing. I'm sorry you're struggling.

 

[sisselcakes]

Your whole post is you describing a string of red flags, wondering "what went wrong?!".

A weekend away? How long into it was this? Less than a month. Oh boy.
Meeting parents one month in? Oh geez.
Being dragged into a family and a funeral when you knew the dude for a few months?

I mean that 3rd one should have just been a giant siren going off. The "Psycho Yandere Clingy Guy" alarm. Instead you told him you loved him.
Oh and the constant crying. That's a red flag too. The family sounds like the Addams family. Except they cry and throw tantrums instead of torturing each other.

Then he broke up with you. Then he changed his mind. And you decided to move in together with him. In a different country.

The one big batshit crazy foreign family would have sent any normal person running for the hills. You decided it would be a good idea to move to a foreign country and live with him.

What the hell were you thinking?

We all do foolish, irrational things at one time in our lives, especially when we get emotionally involved; and hopefully we learn from them. I'm a pretty insightful, intelligent person. When I was in my mid-20's I got myself into a hornet's nest, all while the red flags were furiously flying.

There's no reason to be judgmental!

 

[sisselcakes]

It didn't at all. I don't see what part of my post shows frustration or anger. I was just a bit amused at the situation I was in, mainly that I offended you and that any attempt at trying to make you understand was even more offensive.

And again... there was no need for you to "recognize" AS signs. You still don't understand. Read my first post again. It spells everything out. It went wrong from the beginning. A weekend away with someone you barely know is a bad idea. Meeting his parents after a month was a bad idea. Getting dragged to a funeral and into a family in 3 months... bad idea. If you cannot recognize these super obvious signs then you are without a doubt going to end up in a whole bunch of bad situations in the future.

I mean... a weekend away with a guy you pretty much know nothing about is a very dangerous situation. Staying in his apartment, in a strange country while subletting your apartment meaning you end up trapped should things go bad... all this with a guy you knew for less than a year... also very dangerous.

What on earth possessed you to move ahead so quickly with someone who you barely knew, whose family showed various problems (Not talking about AS) and all that in a foreign country with foreigners? Did you have any contact with people there that knew this family or the guy? Could you really not see that everything about this relationship was shouting "Crazy" at the top of it's lungs?

Maybe I'm being even more offensive now than before... but I am truly mystified that you cannot see this. It's right in front of you and you keep pointing at the things that are not problems, while ignoring all the other extremely obvious crazy stuff that was going on.

I have to agree that your responses sound angry and you are coming across as judgmental. At the same time, I'm kind of amused because I suspect that isn't your intent. You are probably astonished at how irrational the situation was.

You remind my of my boyfriend who would react the same way to such a story. He looks at the facts, draws a conclusion, makes a decision, and acts on it. We NT's aren't like that. We can be emotional and irrational, thus sometimes we make not-so-good decisions in relationships. That's why it's so challenging to deal with us.

 

[puzzledbutlearning]

Th

Hi there. I would guess your perception is that things were going extremely well, but the guys didn't see it the same way! For whatever reason, it wasn't working for them and I would try not to take it personally, even though I know it's easy to do.

Let's put aside whether or not the guys actually were on the spectrum. The two who didn't work out may have some traits, from what you describe. There must be a reason why you are attracted to them and vice versa. For example, perhaps you give off a nurturing, accepting vibe and maybe you enjoyed their intellectual, logical natures or you shared common interests; but sadly, initial attraction doesn't mean it's going to work out long term.

Maybe it would be good to reflect on what you liked about them and some of the warning signs you didn't pay attention to. You already said there was one you had considered (he hadn't had a relationship before). Looking at the dynamic (your role) will help you to avoid this in the future.

I know it's terribly disappointing. I'm sorry you're struggling.

Thank you. I'm struggling terribly. I am trying to figure out what attracted me to them and why so I can avoid it in the future. Thank you for your kindness.

 

[sisselcakes]

It didn't at all. I don't see what part of my post shows frustration or anger. I was just a bit amused at the situation I was in, mainly that I offended you and that any attempt at trying to make you understand was even more offensive.

And again... there was no need for you to "recognize" AS signs. You still don't understand. Read my first post again. It spells everything out. It went wrong from the beginning. A weekend away with someone you barely know is a bad idea. Meeting his parents after a month was a bad idea. Getting dragged to a funeral and into a family in 3 months... bad idea. If you cannot recognize these super obvious signs then you are without a doubt going to end up in a whole bunch of bad situations in the future.

I mean... a weekend away with a guy you pretty much know nothing about is a very dangerous situation. Staying in his apartment, in a strange country while subletting your apartment meaning you end up trapped should things go bad... all this with a guy you knew for less than a year... also very dangerous.

What on earth possessed you to move ahead so quickly with someone who you barely knew, whose family showed various problems (Not talking about AS) and all that in a foreign country with foreigners? Did you have any contact with people there that knew this family or the guy? Could you really not see that everything about this relationship was shouting "Crazy" at the top of it's lungs?

Maybe I'm being even more offensive now than before... but I am truly mystified that you cannot see this. It's right in front of you and you keep pointing at the things that are not problems, while ignoring all the other extremely obvious crazy stuff that was going on.

Oh, one last comment about that any attempt at trying to make you understand was even more offensive... You are trying to get her to understand with logic. Our brains don't process that way. We get over relationships by wallowing in it, obsessing, and talking about it to friends and family ad nauseum. The logical part comes later, after we've licked our wounds long enough. I know. I know. It sounds pathetic, but it's true.

 

[sisselcakes]

Th

Thank you. I'm struggling terribly. I am trying to figure out what attracted me to them and why so I can avoid it in the future. Thank you for your kindness.

You'll figure it out after obsessing about it for a while. Been there, done that. I truly believe our brains are designed to obsess over a loss as a way of getting desensitized to it so the thoughts don't hurt anymore.

Just give yourself some time and think it over. You may never be able to figure out why the guys bolted but you can figure out your role in it and what mistakes you made. Try to find out what you were attracted to and the things you might have been more cautious about. That will help you in the future. You may consider therapy too!