Looking for dating advice

[Naruto Kurosaki]

Part 1 of 2

Okay, this will be quite long because I am talking about something I feel very strongly about as it involves my emotions. It's about trying to find a girlfriend. Now, first of all, I want to warn those reading this that I am very sensitive; if you have been successful, please don't explain it to me, I carry emotional pain very seriously, and I'm feeling a lot of pain due to a girl I remember from some time ago, .

My questions for help fall in several categories but they all fall under the same issue. This is basically about dating, or more accurately put, trying to work around neurotypicals, >.<;. I live in the UK, and I've seen a lot of meet up groups and such in America from the internet. Now, I don't know what it's like in America, but from the UK, it's not really that easy. To tell the truth, I can't easily travel, my mother's disabled and can't drive, nor can I so we can't get anywhere out of reach.

I have tried various dating websites, but I'm not coming up with any real results, I worry how much I don't 'fit in' with everyone else. I do not wish to be someone I'm not, I am genuine, not false, but I worry some people could be shocked by the more autistic sides of me, >.<;. I wondered if anyone had any advice on writing to someone, or responding to someone on these websites, plus the key thing to note is that I don't feel comfortable meeting people straight away, I'd need to build myself up. I'm also not very confident, not in myself, or in general, therefore, I am less likely to be the person ordering food at a date, etc., >.<;. These are some of the issues that worry me, but I explain about more issues below in greater detail.

The following is where I go into the story that leads to where I am now:

Now, first of all, I bottled up my emotional pain for a long time, I found it really difficult to talk about because I went through a pretty bad experience at school. It happened in the last year of primary school, I was young, but at the same time, the effect can carry more weight. Basically, I trusted in someone too much, told them my crush, they told my crush, and they called me a 'creep', -_-;. Needless to say I was shocked by this, carried it with me ever since, thinking nobody wanted to get to know me, but that's not all. What makes this far worse is what happened to me in secondary school. In the second year, I was confronted by three girls, the girl on my right pointed to the one in the middle and said she had a crush on me. Now, I saw this as two things, one was irony, irony for the fact that I know I'd been through a similar experience before, only one that was far more hostile, . The second was caution, caution for the fact that I was called a 'creep' by a girl before, I chose to be safe and all I told her was, "Oh...okay, thanks". I saw her much later working as a bank clerk, she told me her name, but it completely slipped my mind when I saw her face and the memory just came flooding back. In truth, I was believing that what happened to me in school was just a dream, but her smile in the bank led me to question whether that was true or not. In truth, it's been some time since I last saw her, I have a strong feeling that if I look back and try to find her I may discover something I'd best leave alone, -_-;. I may very well cause myself even more crippling emotional pain than I already have, if it's possible, >.<;.

Now, long story short, I wrote to a friend on Facebook a couple of years back that knew me in the same class that I was called a creep in. Everything went well at first, until I noticed she was friends with a bully that laughed at me after I had been called a creep. Now, I carry emotional pain very seriously, I knew I couldn't forgive nor forget that bully, but I didn't want to cause my friend pain. I knew the only choice I had was to walk away, it wasn't easy and I was aware it could have hurt us both but my issue was that, I couldn't have faced continuing knowing how close they were in friendship, it would have unsettled me and I would have questioned whether our friendship was genuine.

Luckily, I managed to find a friend on a different ASD forum, one that's more UK based. I am in England and she is in Wales. As she lives far away, and I have difficulty travelling, I've never met her before. Now, I met this friend from school before, several times, but I never got the chance to meet this new friend. She has epilepsy so she can't easily travel, though she has been to comic cons from time to time when she's been feeling better.

Whatever the case, when I lost this friend from Facebook, I opened up to my mother about my emotional pain; it affected me so badly I felt too embarrassed to tell her, >.<;. Basically, after I told my mother, I also told this girl from Wales about what happened to me at school and why I left this friend from Facebook. Things got awkward at that and she didn't write to me for some time, but I later discovered it was because her memory was being affected by the medication she was on. Basically, in that time I was feeling worse and worse, I was back to square one where I was alone at school. I wanted to find a way to break out of that cycle so eventually I decided to try dating websites.

I went onto Plenty of Fish (PoF), now, first of all, I was tutored at home due to a pretty bad bullying incident at secondary school. I was concerned about the drop down menu about what education I had. I came out of secondary school and was home tutored, there is no place for that on most of the dating websites I looked at. I was puzzled, but I thought I had to be honest, so I put down secondary school. I have had worries ever since that that has been putting people off of me. I don't know if it's true, but I would prefer not to lie. I want to be as honest and open as possible, because I believe that's what partners would do, wouldn't they? I don't know how to get around this issue could anyone provide any advice? This is one question.

Now, I didn't get any real results on PoF, I tried writing to a couple of people, but nothing came of it, plus I'm scared about meeting new people face to face. Good or bad, I'm not exactly what you'd call an independent person, >.<;. It's not easy growing confidence, especially not when there is such a lack of understanding of the autistic spectrum in Britain. Anyway, I decided trying other websites. I went onto aspergersdatingsite.com, but I found that the majority of people on there had no photos and I felt uncomfortable with that as I didn't know if they were genuine or not. It's an unsure world on the spectrum where prejudice could lurk around any corner, >.<;.

After nothing came of aspergersdatingsite.com, I went on OkCupid. Now, this website carried advantages and disadvantages. First of all they had a questions and answers page, with an explanation box. Now, I can understand that an autistic mind can get carried away and write a lot, pretty much like what I'm doing here, >.<;. I know that it's not usually the neurotypical thing to do to write and write in each individual box about subjects, and I've already noticed that. Plus the fact is, I've seen other people's profiles, and they carry several common patterns. One is education, now I already explained my difficulty behind that. People say they've been to university, are still attending, are in college, saving up to go to college...I was home tutored, >.<;, it doesn't have the same effect, does it? I left that field blank, but I wonder whether that's why I'm not getting many people writing to me, >.<;.

Another was the likes/interests people put down look very much alien to me. They like programmes like, The Big Bang Theory, Doctor Who, Harry Potter, etc. I like anime, manga, video games, photography, and a few fantasy novels. My interests fall mainly in Japan, I don't really like that many western interests and certainly not as much as these neurotypicals, but I'd prefer to keep my interests as they are, after all, I don't want to be someone I'm not. I am genuine, not false.

Another issue here is that a lot of these people repeat the same phrases like, You should message me if..."you're interested and want to find out more", but I come out and say, I'd like to find someone genuine, honest, caring, understanding, etc. I also write much more than most in my profile, but I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing, >.<;.

 

[Naruto Kurosaki]

Part 2 of 2

A few people have written to me on there, and two people even rated me highly. However; and this is another issue, though there's nothing wrong with it, but it's kind of moving away from my objective, the only person that had been writing to me for a while on that website lived in India, >.<;. Now, I am aware that there are people on these websites wanting to learn English, and someone from Taiwan wrote to me as well. Firstly I am concerned whether they are exploiting me because of my writing. Secondly, if they had any big ideas of me moving country, it's out of the question, I can't even meet my friend in Wales, >.<;. Thirdly, they don't know I'm on the spectrum straight away, but the girl from India, I did tell, she said she knew people on the spectrum that were far more confident than most. Whether that's true or not I have no idea, but from living in the UK, I could see a parallel opposite, . Nonetheless, if she thinks I'm overly confident and independent she had another thing coming. I hadn't written to her for a while, and I'm unsure what to say to her. There was even a crazy idea that, after her graduation at college, she would go to Romania and she said she'd meet me, >.<;. Now, I didn't know if she meant me travel there, or her travel here, but I felt several things at that, shock, fear, an alien experience, and caution. I even tried to build up the courage and ask her if we could try Skype. I've never used Skype with anyone before, so I wanted to build myself up for it. I stalled for so long, and then we stopped writing, or rather, I didn't know what to say to her, and so Skype was never used, >.<;.

I've even tried eHarmony, but I've seen what they charge and there's no way we could afford that, >.<;.

The point is, I would have tried writing all this on the more UK based forum, however; and this is where attachment issues comes into play, the mother of the girl in Wales knows about this forum and she introduced me to my friend. I could incorporate this with my YouTube videos or Tumblr blog, but my friend in Wales knows about them both. The point is, I haven't told my friend I am going onto dating websites, and telling her worries me. I fear, in the back of my mind, it would be like saying, to put it lightly, that I've found another friend, and she may walk away, -_-;. I think realistically, but I equally have a trauma from emotional pain, can you really blame me for having attachment issues?

Anyway, can anyone provide me with any help or advice? I am new to the whole dating thing, I've never done it before, and I've certainly not gone on a date. Plus, when I met my Facebook friend face to face I went with my mother as I felt too uncomfortable otherwise, and my mother knew her anyway. It was my mother that got me to write to my Facebook friend to begin with. When I spoke to my Facebook friend, just about tennis, I was shaking like a leaf, >.<;. I find talking to girls incredibly nerve wracking, but at the same time, I know that the only real way I can get over my emotional pain is if I tackled the problem by finding someone, -_-;.

 

[Ereth]

Honestly, I think dating is the last thing you should worry about right now. You don't need to "find someone" to heal yourself. That can only come from within you, and if you rely on someone as an emotional crutch, the relationship is bound to go south very quickly. I strongly recommend you seek counseling if at all possible.

Once you feel more confident about yourself, you'll be in a more stable place emotionally and will handle dating better, I think.

(A disclaimer: I haven't really had dating experience . . . my situation's a bit different than what most people do. I met my boyfriend thanks to the Internet, and when we went on our first real date, it wasn't really a first date at all since we'd already known each other for over a year.)

 

[nowwhat]

Ereth has told you the truth. Relationships aren't about someone fixing you. It's more like you'll be forever putting up with what's broken about them (everyone has something, trust me). Real world relationships are a trying job that you don't get to get away from. You need to be strong to make it worth it for both of you, and it's still not easy. Sow down and work on the practical aspects of your life. School, work, etc. All these things are necessary for any relationship you find to work out anyway. One poster here said in another thread, money isn't necessary for love, but it is for relationships. Besides, people are drawn to strong independent people who have their crap together. Rough but true. You're so young and no one has any idea what the future holds for you so slow down. So much of life is completely out of our control. Build a life for yourself, and you'll have more opportunities come to you. Cool?

 

[Naruto Kurosaki]

Now, first of all, before I say anything else, I want to thank you both for your responses, , and I can see your responses ring true, but I need to analyse them with what I've seen around me, >.<;.

Okay, this is why I find it awkward writing on forums, it's because I tend to have a bit of a problem with disagreeing with most of what the other person suggests. I have nothing against what they say, I'm sure that it could work for some people, however; I am far too aware of myself. You see, I can see more issues each and every time. I have become so aware of myself, I both know my own limits, and I know what I can and cannot cope with. When I write to someone's opinions that conflicts those feelings, I end up putting up defensive barriers. However; that can be more helpful than you can imagine, because I know what pain feels like, and I believe, and certainly from what I've been seeing up and down the country, that I wouldn't survive out there for more than 5 minutes. That may be an exaggeration, but the direction it's heading is one that is far from wrong. The UK is not like the America, understanding is practically non-existent, especially among the local authorities. Not to mention, I wouldn't trust the authorities for a very good reason, and it all comes down to the government.

Now, for one, counselling, that is not independent I would not trust, two, how can I be sure their version of independence is the same as mine (there are organisations here calling themselves independent but they wouldn't know what the word meant if they tried), three, true independence is more likely to be private, and I can't afford that.

My mother had fought countless times for me to get help for me, but they didn't want to know, she attended many meetings, but they lied on many occasions. Promises were made but never fulfilled. My mother made many complaints, but they were all ignored. My circumstances were in that I was taught behind my bedroom door for about 5 and a half years.

I usually think, couldn't a good friend be a counsellor in some senses? I've often felt happy once I've received new messages from my friend, and it's always made me see that there are at least some people out there that truly care. I am far too aware though that that is not the truth in the country as a whole.
ok_so_now_what, I know what both you and Ereth are saying and I can see they have truth, however; there are certain aspects to this I failed to tell you, but I led to imply. As I said above, the UK is not like the US. Even then, on my previous forum, they failed to see what's lurking around us. Now, I am on benefits, and I know that there is more at work here than simply building the courage to go to college. For one, a lot of young, neurotypical, people in the UK are struggling to find work, the only real jobs available are part time. Unemployment is at an all time high, and it's not only something I can back up by the news, by the way, I trust alternative news, not the mainstream, I just believe it's full of propaganda, it's also because most of them are in part time work. Even if I cope, or indeed afford, to go to a college, how would I be expected to find a job I'd feel comfortable with? This is something, not only I have trouble with, but neurotypicals have as well. I am not alone.

In regards to benefits, our particular MP in the UK for the secretary for the Department for Works and Pensions (DWP), Ian Duncan Smith, is draconian to say the least. He has changed the benefit system over here. Now, I could describe to you what they involve. They basically involve these ATOS medicals, now ATOS is a French company brought over here to 'tackle' those that are disabled and are on benefits. Let me just say this, the interviewers rarely have medical knowledge, and yet, despite this they still judge whether you are 'fit for work'. They work under targets, much like a few organisations I know of running in the UK, gaining more money for every disabled person they can deem as 'fit for work', no matter how unlikely it is they could work. I have seen a YouTube video of one of these medicals, one that had a teenage boy on the spectrum, with his mother attending. Let me just say this, even though his mother was there, and he needed his mother to answer for him as he couldn't cope with it, however; the interviewer totally disagreed and only wanted to hear from the boy, like it was an interrogation. To a lesser form, I experienced a form of interrogation when I was at school which in turn led to my breakdown. What do you think a medical like that would do to me? Not only that, but added to that is also, that there are disabled people dying after the stress caused by these ATOS medicals, and even terminally ill people have been deemed 'fit for work'. Now, this particular page gives an example of someone, out of the many, writing into the DWP after someone died, and all that was received was an automated message and a refusal to the person's requests. Here is the link: https://www.whatdotheyknow.com/request/deaths_following_atos_rulings_of?unfold=1#incoming-203849.
Here is what the individual wrote, along with a news article about the poor man's experience:

'Dear Department for Work and Pensions,

Following the case of Larry Newman who after attending a work
capability assessment was awarded zero points by the Atos staff
member who carried out the medical test despite his degenerative
lung condition which was the cause of his death shortly afterwards.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/j...
The report produced by Atos, following the examination, has been
described as "make-believe" due to its endless inaccuracies and
untruths. I understand an official complaint has been lodged
against the assessor due to the inconsistencies in the report.

I would like to request the number of complaints the DWP and/or
Atos have received in the last three years due to an individual
dying, following Atos finding the individual fit for work, due to a
medical condition existing at the time of the examination.

Yours faithfully,'

If you scroll down you can see both the responses given, and the response to that, plus other people's feedback. What I think is most powerful are the words the individual wrote in:
'The cost of my request should not be measured in money, rather in
human life.

I know which is more important to me.'

Now do you see the horrors we, the disabled, are having to face in this country? This is real, it isn't a from a horror or thriller, this is people dying, and the authority turning a blind eye. The DWP, Ian Duncan Smith, whose blood of thousands of the disabled in the UK are on his hands. This is the world we live in, and you think that I could solve my problems by getting a job? For one, where is there a job available that I'd feel comfortable with, that isn't part time, and two, the government would rather see me dead anyway.

 

[Turk]

Naruto,
You are amongst friends here. Draw from our experiences and our willingness to share. Ive read so much about my condition, from text books. Not until, i starting reading personal accounts and suggestions from the people, who live within this site, did I gain perspective. There is a diversity and uniqueness to us ,that u can benefit from. I have no doubt you have suffered, but if anyone understands, it us. We are many, but we are one.


Cheers
Turk

 

[Ereth]

Even if you can't afford to see a professional for whatever reason (especially if you're scared of what will happen due to your country's current situation), I strongly suggest you find someone who can help you---a trusted family member or mentor, perhaps. I still think an actual doctor is the best route. I know what you describe is a frightening thing. I have a friend with AS in the UK who couldn't handle school anymore and recently dropped out. He's currently unemployed and I fear for his future. But don't let fear keep you from getting the best possible help. You'll just have to work harder to advocate for yourself if the system over here is that troubled.

Dating is not a magic pill that fixes everything. Trust me. I know this from experience. I love my boyfriend, but I cannot---and do not---expect him to be medicine for all my problems. He's my boyfriend, not my psychologist. I wish I could take all my boyfriend's pain away. He's been through more than anyone should ever endure. But I know that I can't fill the role of a doctor and a girlfriend for him.

(Sometimes I'm afraid I treat him like a second shrink because I tell him about everything, including stupid problems like my bra getting twisted or not being able to find clean socks. Somehow he has the patience of an angel with me, even if he gets frustrated, but spilling my guts about everything all the time can get in the way of having fun and enjoying his company.)

 

[Naruto Kurosaki]

Thank you again for your reply Ereth, . I hope your friend from the UK is able to find a way to break out of his cycle, . Personally though, I don't think it's as easy as that, >.<;.

I can understand what you're saying entirely, however; it's not only about whether I can afford a service, it's also due to the fact that even my mother has been through experiences that causes me to lose trust in psychiatrists as well.

Now, my mother was emotionally abused by a psychiatrist, and after that, every psychiatrist she had seen since were dismissive of her, didn't believe her, and abused her in their own way, by covering each other's backs. After they hurt my mother, many times, I wouldn't want to head into the same services that caused her to feel pain.

I have also known about school/college and job related issues, as I've gone through them in my head before. I analyse each possible path to take and compare it to what I've seen and heard around me. I try to learn from the past, but the saying I hear a lot is, "It could be different now", though I have heard, from on this alternative news medium, that it is still going on even as we speak. Everything affecting the elderly, disabled, sick, and vulnerable. They are all affected.

I can also understand that putting all my emotions and tensions to whoever I find may very well cause trouble, but I am also aware of my own pain. It is real, but I am equally aware of corruption and I wouldn't trust 'professionals' that can both abuse my mother, and carry such a lack of understanding of individuals on the spectrum, especially in the UK. You'll be lucky to get any counselling on the NHS in this country, and if you do receive it, you are not able to choose which councillor you'd prefer. You're stuck with the person you're given. In fact, someone from my previous forum even stated that they had been told that 'they should be grateful for what was given'. If the individual was given someone without an understanding of the autistic spectrum, why should you feel grateful for that? There are very few 'professionals' in this country that are trained in autism. In fact, I know that many have to save up enough money to go to America to get treated.

I really wish that I could find an answer, I've thought long about all of this, and I'm still in the dark. All the possible doors I have analysed appear to be padlocked, bolted and fastened shut, that includes college, work, partner, and 'professionals'. I can see an issue behind every one of those doors, and yet, I am aware that I still feel alone. I still feel alienated, much like I did at school. I always used to say that I felt like the ghost in the class, and it proves itself every time, -_-;.

See, there is a lot to explain about my current situation, and it's not easy cramming it all into the intro of one thread, >.<;. It already took me two parts. My mother has trouble with this as well, she tends to write a lot when it involves what's happened to us both. It's important that it's told though otherwise I can become misunderstood. I just wish I could find an easier way to explain all of this, -_-;.

I've talked about this sort of thing before, not about dating, but college, work, psychiatrists and psychologists on my previous forum, >.<;. I had a feeling it would be difficult to explain myself, there just so many reasons why I have difficulty, but the only person that understands me that's around at the moment is my mum and my friend from Wales. Now, when you're alone like that, you know who to trust and who not to trust, I would travel to either two routes. One would be trying to find more friends, and that's good in itself, but I am also aware that I have lived with this emotional pain for many years. I want to try to tackle it, but in my own way. You see, the trouble is, my friend from Wales would have to be a girl, wouldn't she? The very person I know I cannot talk about all of this. I've mentioned nearly everything else I'd been feeling to her, apart from that, >.<;.

This is a tricky situation, but at the same time, I am a photographer and I also create abstract designs out of them, so please don't think I'm not trying to find a medium to sell my work. It's not as easy as you think, especially not when I am aware of obstacles at practically every road, -_-;. I have sold my work on greetings cards in craft shops, but it's not easy.

 

[Ereth]

I am so sorry that that happened to your mother. I now understand exactly why you're loath to see a doctor, at least in your country. (If you do decide to come here, I hope you find the kind of support you need from a psychologist. Our healthcare system is far from perfect, but at least we have the ability to choose from multiple doctors.)

I also know how isolation feels. But even if the metaphorical doors around you are shut and locked, you can't let that stop you. When I was very young, I was afraid to kick the doors down, but as I got older I realized that if no one would open them for me, I'd have to break in myself. You can do it too. It's not easy, but you can't give up.

Have you considered using photography as an outlet for your pain? Find things you relate to and take pictures of them.