Long distance relationship NT/AS

[Orangegirl]

Anyone in a NT/AS long distance relationship, or been in one? What worked, what didn't? I'm NT and my boyfriend is AS, and while the distance kinda sucks for a few reasons, it's really put an emphasis on the communication aspect, which since sometimes we confuse one another because of how we think differently, is actually very helpful. Our relationship is still pretty new though, so I'm curious to see how others have fared.

 

[Shalott]

I'm still trying to work on that. But I might help you.
In my case, I don't live very far from him (it's like a 3-hour trip). Still I'm aware I have to go more to his place than he would come to mine. I don't have much problem with that as long as he commits to spend some time with me. And I think that's the key: that both parts find some time to spare together and not to get frustrated if at any given moment he is not in the mood for being with you. And not to mention if he doesn't want physical contact: you may have to wait till he feels like it or directly tell him.
As a long distance relationship we need to emphasise more on verbal communication as you said. I tend to write him everyday just to make sure he's fine and ask him about his day and work. We even communicate through poems sometimes (he writes me and then I write another one back). Or if he needs to go elsewhere to relax I always tell him to have a nice time or even provide him the means to get there. And the reason for that is that I know he needs to feel that support. I don't even know if he considers those actions as displays of affection, but I know that they make him feel comfortable with me.

 

[The Penguin]

I was dating someone in Sweden for 8 years. We only got a chance to meet four times. Things are good at the start. However, it seems during the 6th year of the relationship things started to fall apart. Like with any relationship, long distance or not, some will learn later in life things are not meant to be. Even though this relationship didn't work out, I have no regrets. I would never got a chance to see Europe if I didn't date her and there was some good times too. I know some people have success in long distance relationships. Good luck with yours.

 

[Tom]

I don't have a good feeling about Long Distance relationships in general. The main thing seems to be that relationships grow on shared experiences as much as communication and there is no substitute for face to face. Conversely as each shares experiences with others it can be a separating force.

But I can see it in certain cases. Like if there is no other way, or if a temporary situation. But if you want it to grow into something permanent being close enough to see each other frequently is a major issue. Without it, the odds are bad I am afraid.

 

[Slithytoves]

I've been the AS partner in multiple long-distance partnerships with NTs, though I didn't know I was an Aspie at the time. I'm not saying this will necessarily happen with your new boyfriend, but the interesting thing about my own experience(s) is that the relationships actually fizzled once we started seeing more of each other. Having the benefit of hindsight, I can tell you that this didn't happen because I found things to dislike about my partners once I got to know them better face-to-face; it happened because I'm not designed to be around a person with typical NT emotional and psychological needs on a full-time basis. I mention this so you can evaluate your new partner's relationship history for signs this may be a potential problem with him as well. It's certainly something to investigate before either of you considers a possible relocation. You will want to factor in how many of his friends are long-distance, too. Almost all of mine are. That should tell you something.

Despite my history, I am actually a fan of long-distance relationships. Contrary to Tom's view, I have personally found that my relationships grew less through shared experiences than they did through the kind of deep conversation a couple can have in writing or by voice only. The face-to-face was helpful in keeping the relationship going, but the intellectual interaction wasn't as satisfying in person. The more time a couple spends together, the less they really talk. Some Aspies are sapiosexual -- most turned on by a person's mind. If your partner is one of those, you may have to work pretty hard to stay interesting if you ever share the same geographical location.

I'm not trying to be a bummer. These are just some things to think about that may not occur to you naturally if you don't have a lot of experience with Aspies. Your new partner may not have these traits at all, but if he does, it would be wise to discover them now before you're in very deep.

 

[TeriM]

[QUOTE="Slithytoves, post: 208039, member: 12313"is. I mention this so you can evaluate your new partner's relationship history for signs this may be a potential problem with him as well.[/QUOTE]

I can really relate to this, I am rhe NT partner of a guy with HFA, his past relationships have not worked, including a marriage, because he felt that he could not have the space he needed. We live the opposite sides of a bit city so not long distance as only about an hour away. We maintain daily contact via text .. talking on the phone is hard for him ... But we sometimes dont see each other for a couple of weeks. We have been together just over ten months and to be honest I think we last because he still has space. The chances of us living together are slim, but that is ok, I am a grown woman with my own home and a family. If we ever did decide to move in together it would have to be big enough for him to have a space he could call his own, but I think we have a better chance of survival if we have our own places, at least for now x

 

[HisShadowX]

Before I started dating in my area I did a lot of dating online. Now I wouldn't see the point since I need a companion near by.