Yes, for me it's more of a trapped feeling...but kind of the same way that one might feel trapped in a great, open expanse. Imagine being stranded at sea, floating in a lifeboat, and the massive space around you closes in on you to where you literally feel trapped by nothingness.
Sometimes my own thoughts are comforting...just the ideas that grab my attention and I go exploring. But it's just ideas. Today...I felt like I had a great insight into what has kept me trapped, and I wrote about it, and sent it to my therapist. I know he doesn't normally respond to emails, just reads them for us to talk about later, so I didn't really expect a response. But I wanted one. I wanted so badly for him just to say...yes, that makes sense, we can work with that, I understand you better now, this will help us in our work. And he might say it at our next session. But the moment will be gone. The window of opportunity for connection...collapsed. I've tried before to keep it open for times like that, and it doesn't work. As I listened today for connection in my revelation, all I heard was my own echo.
What people offer...doesn't work for me. For example, the five love languages: touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service.
Touch...is painful. Sensory overload. Can't handle it. Sometimes I can tolerate it, but there's no connection in it for me...just data to be processed. And sometimes it's very painful data...flashbacks.
Words...are too superficial, too shallow. I don't believe them.
Time...is demanding. To spend time with someone else, means I can't be alone. I know that sounds counter-productive: to annihilate loneliness, spend time with someone. But when I'm with someone, I'm not me. I'm mirroring them, creating the mask I think they want to see. I've tried not to do this, but it's terribly difficult. Working on it, still.
Gifts...what I want can't be bought. Materialistic things...stuff...it just doesn't resonate at the level where this desperation dominates my life.
Acts of service...this comes the closest. My hubby works very hard to take good care of me and the kids. I truly appreciate all that he does. But...I want to connect with him, not take advantage of him. Not sure if that makes sense.
People offer the usual forms of support: a hug (major sensory overload), encouragement (i.e., mostly platitudes), a "shoulder to cry on." If I could cry, that might be useful, but I can't. It sounds so whiny for me to list things people try, and then explain why it doesn't work. Why can't I just be grateful that they care enough to try??? But it doesn't work. It doesn't. It just doesn't. What they do...it invades, it overloads, it hurts.
I feel the most lonely when I'm around people. It's not a fear of rejection, exactly, or the need to be liked. I used to think it was those things, but it's not. In my heart, I give people the freedom to choose to be with me or not, without being bitter towards them if they decide they'd rather spend time with someone else. 'Cause I totally understand how other people would be more enjoyable than me. There are only a few people where I so much want them to like me...most people, it doesn't really matter to me. They can make their own decision on that, and if they like me, that's great, if not, no big deal. But even those few who I really, really want to be friends with them...even when they say they like me and want to have me around...it's not real for me. I don't know how else to explain it. I'm just not there.
Nothing connects the inner world with the outer world. They're in two separate dimensions. There is no crossing over, no bridging the abyss. I'm locked inside the great nothingness, like a black hole...where, if something were to "get in", it becomes nothing before it reaches me. It's neutralized upon entrance. I can recognize and acknowledge other people's efforts to connect, and even appreciate their efforts. But it doesn't actually connect. I'm suffocating in loneliness.
